Noobunga's Ambition: A Sengoku Experiment

Prologue: 日本へようこそ



Welcome to Feudal Japan! This will be an attempt to demonstrate the game Sengoku in what is known as "After Action Report" (AAR) format. It's a 'grand strategy' game about managing a samurai dynasty. However, I know almost nothing about Japanese history, geography, or samurai culture, so I'm going to fill in the blanks with stuff I've learned from Wu-Tang Clan albums, Ninja Turtle cartoons, and badly-dubbed episodes of Kung-fu Theatre. Apologies in advance if I offend any people, cultures, or mutants.



Our story begins in 1467, at the start of the Onion War. Oops, wait, that's Ōnin War. It's probably just the Japanese word for Onion anyhow. It is the dawn of a new era, when warlords clash for power and honor -- In EPIC RAP BATTLES (of History). To the east, the fighting style of choice consists of complicated lyrical patterns over minimalist beats, with much focus on scratching, as exemplified by the Uesugi clan, among others. In the west, the style revolves around heavily melodic beats and samples, with frequent boasting and calling out of one's opponents. The Ouchi clan is said to get their name from their particularly stinging 'dis' tracks (Ouchy!)



Japan is engulfed in civil war. The center of the country is a boiling cauldron of conflict, as east battles west. After Bruce Leeroy beat Shogun Sho'nuff, the samurai became splintered, the feudal contracts shredded. Splinter escaped to the sewers of New York, later followed by the Shredder. Meanwhile, Katsumoto, leader of Clan Hosokawa, publishes a scathing haiku-rap in the Eastern style. The track is titled Yamana's Mamma, and it severely disrespects the maternal parentage of Mochitoyo, leader of the Yamana clan. Mochitoyo can not idly stand by and allow his clan's honor to be tarnished, so he begins to rally his west coast homies to strike back at clan Hosokawa.




Hosokawa Katsumoto's poem is so vile & upsetting, it turns the ground red in the lands of Yamana and their allies. This does not bode well for the star of our story, Ohira Kunio, a minor vassal of clan Hosokawa. Kunio is Kokujin (Japanese title meaning "He who mixes the Gin & Cokes") of Hata. Hata is a small province on the island of Shikoku, notable only for a few small fishing villages and numerous farmsteads. Clan Ohira's symbol appears to be a green cherry blossom set upon a larger green cherry blossom (or some other five-petaled flower, a geranium maybe? I don't know, I'm a samurai, not a botanist.) The Ohira house words are "We be Hata, they be hatin'."



In the next episode: Kunio: his family, his friends, and his depressing relationship with his liege.

Bonus Rap Battle (explicit lyrics):
[video=youtube;eHCyaJS4Cbs]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eHCyaJS4Cbs[/video]

Chapter 1: Ohira today, goner tomorrow.



This is the Ohira family. Do they look to you like a happy family? To me they look like people who are sad, yet trying to retain their dignity. Then again, to me, their son looks like a crude shadow puppet. Perhaps we should allow Kunio to speak for himself.

Konnichiwa. That means 'Sup, Dawg' in my language. I am not sure if you have noticed this, but The Narrator is not always entirely correct about things, or speaks in strange ways. For example, the leader of the Yamana clan has not been called Mochitoyo for more than thirty years. He is called Sozen, although his famous temper has also earned him the nickname 'Red Monk'. But, let us speak of my enemies some other time.

I am called Kunio, though my friends tend to use the nickname 'Koolio'. They tell me it is because I am a cool leader, but I suspect otherwise. You see here my wife, Ago. I would let her talk to you, but she speaks with an embarrassing lisp. We have a son named Motokuni, but he has not yet demonstrated enough honor to deserve a true portrait.

I am 27 years old. My wife is 20. My son is 9. Please do not think about that too much... {I have a feeling the developers didn't.} I am known as something of a rogue and a poet. I consider myself a capable diplomat, but I am not skilled in battle or deception. My wife dishonors me with her reputation for being greedy and naive, and she can't even pronounce our son's name properly, but we get along fine.

These are my three most trusted advisors, Moritaka, Masakuni, and Yoritsugu. They may also be my uncles, or cousins. Most people don't even want to mention parentage since the Onion War broke out, for good reason.

Moritaka-san is my Master of Ceremonies, or as we say in the samurai game, MC. He is very wise, and is even better at working the crowd than I am. For that, I hold him in much higher regard than the other two. I send him as ambassador to other courts, or to raise money if we need it. If all samurai were like him, we could put away our katanas and fight all battles with lyrics alone.

Masakuni-san is Master of Arms. If all samurai were like him, we would only use words for trickery, and our swords would never again be put away. For this reason, I do not hold him in high esteem, but he has his uses. He can keep the peasants in line, train new soldiers, and slaughter my enemies. He's also good at lifting heavy things, so I put him on the turntables.

Yoritsugu-san is Master of the Guard. Some might call him a Spymaster, Bodyguard, or Master of Whisperers. If I want to plot against someone, I will send this man. If I want to learn someone's secrets, I will send this man. And if I want to hire some ninjas to get all sinister on someone, he knows who to call. I do not trust him, but I also know one of his secrets, should I ever need any leverage. He would tell you that he always wears silk gloves in order to leave behind no finger oils. He would not tell you that he is a leper.

And this little jerk is my next-door neighbor, Kinsue-kun. Somehow, this fifteen year-old is leader of clan Saionji, and kokujin of Uwa. He isn't even old enough to mix the drinks, he has to have a regent do it! For some stupid reason, our castles were built right next to each other on opposite sides of the border, the Narrator calls this 'sitcom logic'. This brat is always leaving his toys in my driveway, stealing my mail, or sending his dogs under the fence to empty their bowels upon my lawn.

His liege Norimichi is the master of clan Kono, who is at war with my liege. Therefore, I am now at war with Kinsue. I am hopeful that my boss will send my levies to invade Uwa. Before we were at war, I would let my son play with this kid. After the war is over, maybe I will give his castle to my son. I shall have to think about what to do with Kinsue's toys... and his hounds.

Speaking of war...

Here is my boss, Katsumoto-sama. He is shogun of clan Hosokawa, and the combined levies of his vassals give him command of thousands of soldiers. Which he will need, as he is at war with at least nine other clans; this is the aftermath of his insult to clan Yamana.

I am obliged to provide 750 men from Hata, if called upon by the shogun. 500 of these are ashigaru, peasant footsoldiers. They may or may not have their own armor, but they are required to bring a sword, yumi (bow), and some kind of spear or pike, such as the naginata for fighting against cavalry. The remaining 250 men are proper bushi, with katana & wakizashi, yumi, suit of armor, and horse. Only the top liege may call for the levies or send them home again, a rule that causes me great dismay. Hosokawa Katsumoto has not called for Hata's levies, and I am beginning to wonder if my boss even knows I exist.

Fortunately, I command enough honor to raise a personal retinue. Unfortunately, I do not currently command enough wealth to afford this. This gives me my first goal: lucre. Cash rules everything around me. My second goal, unless the situation changes significantly, will be to raise a retinue strong enough to crush the little punk next door.

If you will excuse me, I must meet with my advisors... we have much to discuss.

Domo arigato, Mr. Ohira. In the next episode, we tackle the question: War, what is it good for?

DKM said:

subbed. If this is meant to be one of those comedy AAR's, then you're doing a good job so far!

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Thanks for the support! And congrats on your recent award, I see it is well-deserved.

Specialist290 said:

Looking forward to the next chapter. Hope your clan gets some pretty epic loot.

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I'll try to get another chapter up sometime this week, and I did start trying to pick up where I left off, so hopefully I'll be able to continue the crazy adventures of this ridiculous premise.

Chapter 2: Bushido Buddies



In 1467, war was beginning. All across Japan, warriors are coming out to play. Kyoto, seat of the imperial palace, looks like a red mess. Our hero Koolio is still waiting to hear from his boss. In neighboring Uwa, the leader of Kono clan has raised a posse of 750 troops. Samurai always try to go war in exact multiples of 250 because it's a lucky number.

In Hata, Ohira's small council has convened. They have to meet in the garage, because it's the only place Kunio's wife Ago will let them smoke. Seated around a folding card table, they discuss the plans for fighting their rivals. Kunio, as usual, does most of the talking.




Help yourself to some pot stickers boys, but pay attention. Messages from high command may be delayed or intercepted, so here's what we're gonna do in the meantime. The goal is to take over a fifteen year-old kid's castle and acquire the land which has probably been held by his family for generations. This should be as easy as taking territory from an adolescent landowner.

First thing: Yuri-, Yogi-... Yoritsugu? Dude, I'ma just call you Yoshi from now on. Right. So Yoshi, I need you to sneak into Uwa and prank the neighbor kid. Smash his mailbox, throw eggs at his carriage, paint some graffiti on his castle walls. Stuff like that. And be sure to take the dogs for a walk, if you know what I mean. Now go.

Whew, does that guy go heavy on the cologne, or what? Anyway... Masakuni, I need you to look for some new blood. If we can't call for the levy, we'll just get our own entourage. Go out there and market our brand, if there are any ronin warriors looking for a clan, we'll try to work out a deal. Your job is simply to find them, I will do the negotiating. Take a pot sticker for the road and depart at once, this task cannot wait.

Now, Moritaka, Soon I will send you to collect the loot we will need. But first I want you to check with the leader of Tosa province. We serve the same liege, maybe he knows Hosokawa's plan. Also, my friend... there is another matter. Motokuni will soon reach manhood. I would be honored if you would tutor my son in the rhyming arts. If he is to inherit my lands and my name, he must learn to represent.


Just then, a messenger fox burst in to the garage, jumped up on the table, scarfed down the last pot sticker, and delivered a scroll with the wax seal of the liege lord. What does the fox say?




Well now, Mario, wouldn't want to disappoint the boss man. Get over there, have your "tea", and make us look good. And tell him I thought that nickname thing was great, he's already gonna think I copied him when he hears about Yoshi.


You know... all things considered, it's probably a good thing Mario was able to avoid the friendly neighboring province of Tosa. Within a year, it had been invaded by the forces of Kono Norimichi. Something which made Kunio very, very nervous.



Next time: Conquest and Concubines!

DarthShizNit said:

I approve of this immensely.

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I'm happy to see a response like this, I honestly wasn't sure how this would be received. It's full of inside jokes and at times it gets downright stupid for a cheap laugh, but the whole idea of hip-hop samurai just tickled me so much I wanted to share it with a wider audience.

DKM said:

Hey X, how did you edit that message to say those modern and un-Japanese words?

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MS Paint magic :laugh:

Belgiumruler said:

YAY! Bring Sengoku back to live!

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That's the plan. Let's get some more folks in here, maybe management will turn the electricity back on!

Interlude: Ma Ke Kahakai



Regrettably, the part of Kono will be not be played by Grace Park. More like that dude from the '70s show. Shaka? Zulu? No, I was talking about Red Foreman. And Kono Norimichi is attempting to lodge his foot in the ass of the province of Tosa. Clan Kono's symbol is three white horizontal bars inside a white octagon, on a blue-grey background. Their house words are: "Ohno, Kono, Nono."

Clan Kono is small by samurai standards, but Norimichi makes up for it with ambition, paranoia, military skill, and the kind of diplomacy that secures alliances through an exchange of "Honored Guests", or as normal people call them, "Hostages." Fortunately for his Honored Guests, the leader of Clan Kono is known as a just ruler. Unfortunately for his enemies, he is not necessarily known as merciful.




By the end of 1469, Clan Hosokawa is losing ground on the island of Shikoku. Not only did Kono eventually conquer Tosa, but another coastal province was captured by Clan Takeda. Ohira Kunio is now isolated in Hata, surrounded by Kono territory and the uncaring ocean. He takes stock of his resources, knowing that the only honorable way out of this is warfare. Surrendering to clan Kono is not an option, no way is Koolio going to trade Hosokawa's verdant green for that dirt-brown map color.

With 35 coins in his petty cash, Kunio can afford to hire 500 soldiers, a regiment of cavalry and a regiment of infantry. Until he expands his holdings he is limited to a retinue cap of 2 regiments, to recruit more than that would increase the logistical costs severely. Hopefully, 500 men will be enough to capture Uwa... if the enemy armies in Tosa don't stop by for a visit first. Hata's levies represent less than 2% of the clan's total forces, without reinforcements there would be no hope to repel a siege of Koolio's castle.

Ohira Kunio sets his plans in motion and retires to his study with parchment and quill. He knows that soon, the first battle of a very long war will begin, and the victor will need the strongest steel, the bravest troops, and the wittiest snaps. Kunio smiled as he wrote a verse that rhymed nunchucks with dumbfucks. He was really going to enjoy serving up defeat to the neighbor kid, even if the good parts got bleeped out by the radio edit.

Bonus Kono:
[video=youtube;doEiip26fLU]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=doEiip26fLU[/video]

Updates will be a bit slower now, real life and all that, but I've started playing the game again in order to continue the AAR. I'll have to figure out a creative way to get everything caught up from where I left off, but I should be able to put out another chapter today or tomorrow. Maybe nobody on the mainland has heard of Kunio, but they better have bomb shelters because he plans on blowin' up.

Player with big dreams
jackin' mad stacks of cheddar
2 legit 2 quit

Chapter 3: Bad Fences

Espionage Report:


Saionji Kinsue of Uwa is all grown up. Now that he is 18, he got his portrait painted, he can mix the Gin & Cokes himself, he has two wives, and has already fathered two babies. This is no longer a kid; he has built a reputation as a tough soldier, and a capable hunter. His symbol is pretty badass actually, it's like one of those Cyclone Glaive throwing blades, encircled on a purple background. Apparently, his clan motto is "Get Krunk". Correspondingly, he favors a new style popular in the south, with a heavy j-pop influence and lots of synthesized effects. Expect some auto-tune if you go up against him in battle. Dissent has been sown in Uwa, Boss Kono dislikes Kinsue, and Kinsue in turn is beginning to distrust his own court. This would be an ideal time to strike at his kori, whatever that means.

Military Report:


Assembling an army of 500 men and getting them to the border will take some time. Like, enough time to find a few more mistresses to marry, maybe even have some more kids. Can't let that neighbor punk's pimp hand outgrow your own. Fortunately the Kono armies have moved east to besiege Miyoshi, so there is no immediate threat to Castle Hata. Clan Takeda captured Toyota (oh what a feeling), moving forward to then take Utari, and is now laying siege to Kagawa (who could ask for anything more?) Hosokawa forces are severely outnumbered on this little island.

...

Diplomacy Report? Gotta tell you, no lie, the diplomacy report was incredibly boring. Stick with me here, let's try something a little different. I need to advance the clock a few years, cover a whole bunch of events in a short amount of time, remind everybody what's going on, and then kinda fade out. I think you know what this means. I need a MontAARge. Now would be a good time to fire up Eye of the Tiger or The Touch, or if you want to keep with the theme, Lose Yourself.