A Bolivian Luau
While the official battle uniform of the Naval Infantry was relatively elaborate, in practice many infantrymen were poorly equipped.
December 2, 1839; Naval Headquarters at Antofagasta, Bolivia
"Excellent, excellent, everything is finally coming together!" You beam as you watch your newly formed Naval Infantry, numbering approximately five thousand conscripts, parade through the streets. The men are unaccustomed to military bearing and often bump into one another, but you can afford to be patient.
"Lieutenant, come here. Tell me, what do you see marching before you?"
Your loyal assistant grimaces as several infantrymen collide into one another and collapse--somewhat comically--into a nearby pile of manure. "Sir, may I be frank with you? I see nothing more than a few thousand undisciplined teenagers masquerading as sailors. Why, if I may be so bold as to ask, do we need our own Marine Corps when we have only two ships?"
You laugh patronizingly "My dear Lieutenant, why only last month we had no ships at all! These proud sailors you see before you will soon constitute a rapid response force that will allow us to quickly seize enemy assets from the sea. They may not be quite ready yet, but I have hired seasoned NCOs from the English Royal Marines to help train them! So again Lieutenant, have faith in--"
You are interrupted by a loud bang. A group of Naval infantrymen somehow managed to fire a cannonball into a nearby barn, killing several farm animals and drawing the ire of the farmer's wife. Bemused, your assistant retorts:
"God help the Anglos if this is what their 'seasoned NCOs' will have to deal with!"
"A minor hiccup. In any case, we have business to attend to. Naval Intelligence will be arriving shortly for a briefing."
"But sir, I thought we didn't have an actual Naval Intelligence branch?"
As you and your assistant are speaking, a mysterious Arab-looking man suddenly appears--seemingly out of nowhere.
"How may I be of assistance, Admiral?"
Mysterious Arab man
"Ah yes, the Lieutenant and I were just talking about you. Lieutenant, this is our new Naval Intelligence Chief,
Pablo el Musulmán. He is from....I believe Morocco? Algeria?"
Pablo smiles pleasantly "Something like that, my Admiral."
"Anyway" you continue "Pablo has a great deal of experience with Naval affairs from his time in his country's navy, and he has a plan that will restore glory to the Navy and finally give us the advantage over Pertinente and his Army thugs. Now as you know, we have for a long time been interested in colonizing the Sandwich Islands. This would not only establish Bolivia as an imperial power, but also make our Navy's relevance very clear to El Presidente."
"Unfortunately my Admiral" begins Pablo "Naval Intelligence has established that there definitely are natives already residing on the islands. We will need a valid, internationally recognized excuse to invade and that is where my plan comes in. Listen closely gentlemen...."
Several weeks later, on board the Bolivian naval vessel BAB Bolivia en route to Hawaii
The entire Bolivian Navy (consisting of two transport vessels, a few hundred regular sailors and about five thousand Naval infantrymen) is sailing towards Hawaii. Having spent your childhood in Bolivia's boring mountain provinces, you marvel at the endless blue carpet stretching before your eyes. If only every Bolivian could witness a sight so beautiful, you think. You begin to daydream about the mermaids you had always been told danced deep below the surface, upon the seabed. Not being a man of superstition, you had always dismissed the rumors; but as the majestic beauty of the ocean, in all her glory, stretches before you, you begin to wonder: If this is merely the surface, what unimaginable beauty must lie beneath the waves?
Sadly, your brief moment of artistic contemplation is brought to an end by your assistant:
"Sir, I have bad news. Unfortunately, our attempt to justify our war with the Sandwich Islands has backfired!"
"What!? How could this have happened? The plan was very straightforward, our spies were to dress as native warriors and harass Bolivian merchants, thus creating the perfect
casus belli!"
"Well Admiral, when our men landed on the islands and attempted to impersonate native warriors, it seems they were detected immediately. Not to mention that we conduct very little trade with the Sandwich Islands and that there were, therefore, no Bolivian merchants to harass."
"I still don't understand how they detected our men."
"Well sir, you did insist on hiring German immigrants as spies."
"Because they're sneaky! Haven't you ever heard of the surprise anschluss? Anyway it doesn't matter, we've come this far; we may as well finish the job."
German-Bolivian spies attempting to impersonate Hawaiian warriors
June 13, 1840; Port Diminuto, Bolivian Hawaii
After landing and easily defeating the insubstantial Hawaiian armies, your men celebrate in the streets of the newly-renamed Hawaiian capital as you give a speech:
"Sailors! Due to your valiant efforts, we have crushed the native army and we are now in control of most of the island. We have suffered only sixty casualties while they have lost thousands! I am proud of you, your officers are all proud of you, and your country will never cease to be proud of you! Our friends and fellow patriotic Bolivians in the Army have long cast aspersions upon us. They sneer and say that we are not true Bolivians, that we do not fight for our country as they do, that we have no honor. Now, sailors, now they have their answer!
¡Viva la marina! ¡Viva Bolivia!"
As your sailors cheer, your assistant approaches with a grim look on his face.
"Sir, I have very distressing news for you: the United States of North America has declared war! They are demanding that we withdraw from the Sandwich Islands immediately!"
"You can't be serious?"
"I'm afraid that's not all. El Presidente has ordered that you return to Bolivia as soon as possible to justify this invasion--sir, the Army is claiming that the war with the United States is entirely our fault! General Pertinente has proposed that you be tried for treason!"
You begin to shake in anger. "Very well. We will deal with the Army, and then we will deal with the North Americans. But first Lieutenant, hand me my sword. There are many rebellious natives on these islands who need quelling--and I suddenly feel very inclined to hit something."
*I apologize for the Polandball reference.