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gela1212

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May 11, 2008
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INTRODUCTION

Hello! Fancy seeing you again, reader. Unfortunately, our last endeavor, as you may recall, ended in failure when my highly valued Bohemia savegame was stolen by thieves, salted, and thoroughly destroyed. These thieves, of course, were entirely, most assuredly, extremely real. And through no fault of my own was said savegame lost, certainly not due to forgetfulness or the lack of simple measures like making backups.

I refuse to let the secret society that opposes me go unpunished. As such, I have decided to write a new AAR so that I may continue subjecting them to the force of poor game-related comedy. They may send thieves, but this time I will be prepared for their dastardly ways!

This AAR is a little different than most of my others. It's not a serious narrative, nor a comedic gameplay. I thought it would be fun to mix the two. However, considering that a serious gameplay AAR is about as fun to read as the letters your grandmother sent you when you were five, I decided it would be considerably more appropriate to craft a comedic narrative instead. Or a narrative comedy. However you prefer to term it works for me, as long as you read it.

Writing in this style is completely new for me. I have actually never done it at all, because practicing is for sissies. Real men just sit down and say "I want to be able to do this" and do it. Or fail and burn, but I think in its own way that is rather amusing, so it should all work out quite well.

For this, I have decided to ruler design a Duke of Athens, returning to the setting of one of my favorite AARs that I've ever written, Republic of the Blue Lion. It wasn't very good, but it was the transition from my old style (serious narrative/history-book mixes) to my new one (either fully in-depth narratives or comedies), so it holds a rather special place in my heart.

All DLC that aren't songs (my apologies, reader, for not playing the correct music at the time of my screenshots) have been enabled, and this game is played on the latest patch. Some things I won't be doing include and are limited to playing optimally. Because where would the comedy be if the main character wasn't occasionally a complete idiot? Basically everything else is off limits. You may (will) even get to see a great saga involving the mass murder of an entire family! Because this is CK2, that's generally the equivalent on the pleasantness-scale of going to the candy store, right?

First update sometime tonight or tomorrow.
 
Say what you will about Republic of the Blue Lion, but it nevertheless had an awesome banner. :D

Subbed.
 
Subbin! I love Gela AARs!
 
Chapter I - Meet And Greet

ONE
MEET AND GREET​

“Once upon a time, in a land far, far away (assuming you aren't Greek), there lived a man. This man ruled over the vast Duchy of Athens. He had many neighbors, and together they served under the Byzantine Emperor, a most awful, wretched person. This man was known as Raphail, or, if you were being particularly formal, Doux Raphail. And the good Doux was one of the greatest men to ever live, indeed. An honorable person with many friends, intelligent, manly, and--”

“I think story very boring,” said Vagharshak.

“Why do you always have to interrupt me?” Raphail replied.

“Because story very boring. You tell me there be very fun story. But story very boring. Was lie.”

“It's the story of my life, you Armenian scum!”

“Explains why so boring.”

***​

Apologies, reader. I showed you a scene from a little too far forward. As it happens, the only things that were actually true in Raphail's story are that he was the Doux of Athens and that his name was Raphail. The Byzantine Emperor was actually a rather pleasant fellow, and Raphail was certainly not the greatest man to ever live. He was not the worst either. All the same, the Duchy of Athens wasn't the biggest or wealthiest piece of land, nor was it the smallest or poorest. A life of mediocrity was what Raphail had been condemned to, and with it he was given the worst possible traits with which to enjoy such a life, or trait, anyway. He was an ambitious man, and he would lie to your face about the color of your shoes. Or sandals. Did shoes exist yet? These are the hard-hitting questions I forgot to find the answers to during my research.

BIDbRyj.png


Raphail's friend, enemy, tag-along and various other titles was an Armenian refugee named Vagharshak. He wasn't very good at many things (or anything really, including speaking Greek) liked to eat quite a bit, enjoyed extorting money from small children, and failed to understand basic concepts of morality. And, last but not least, he was a heretic. To the Orthodox that lived in Greece, anyway. To him, everyone there was a heretic, explaining his generally universally poor attitude. In a way, however, the two became close not because of any form of synergy but because they both were bitter and sarcastic with warm, loving interiors that simply had to be dug through to. Or something. Honestly, I'm not really sure if they were even friends in the first place. Raphail was probably just pretty lonely, because I can't really seem to understand why anyone would be friends with this guy. Even his dynasty's coat of arms is pretty stupid. I mean, seriously, who thought of those colors? I would advocate their punishment by blinding, but it appears they're already blind in the first place.

nc3ITsg.png


According to Vagharshak, he had fled from Armenia after being attacked by Muslim invaders. However, further investigation known as “asking the ruler of Armenia” revealed that over the last few years it had yet to face its regular invasion by the neighboring Muslims. The man had actually been exiled for running a protection racket, as it turned out. Naturally, the nobles who ran other protection rackets were not very pleased, realizing that their people didn't actually have any money in the first place, let alone enough to split between two Armenian mobsters. Each one felt that the peasants were his own sole right to exploit, but they couldn't really act on it due to the fear of being beaten by their fellows in intrigue. Fortunately, it just so happens that the chances of Vagharshak beating anyone at anything are relatively non-existent. And so it came about that due to being just as corrupt but not quite as clever as his countrymen, Vagharshak had ended up here, in the court of Doux Raphail.

Oh, right, and Raphail had a wife, though he often forgot about it considering he wasn't particularly interested in her. Because he wasn't a big fan of women. Their appearances, that is. He found their personalities to generally be just as disagreeable as those of everyone else. In fact, because he wasn't attracted to them in the slightest, he was able to judge them more accurately. Do you get what I'm trying to say? No? Alright, well, subtlety is something that I have yet to master. What I'm trying to say is that Raphail was incredibly homosexual. And every morning, he woke up and realized that he was, in fact, still married to a woman. At that point, his natural reaction was, of course, to sob quietly. Or loudly, since I heard it, but quietly paints a better narrative I think, so we'll stick with that.

Still, his wife was actually a rather pleasant woman. Her only flaw being that she had an affection for being honest. Honesty, of course, not being a particularly enjoyed quality at the time, especially by someone like Raphail who, as mentioned, was a better liar than your cousin Euphemios. You know the one, we all have that one Euphemios. She was also the subject of a quizzical paradox involving being a moderately adept diplomat whilst also being deathly shy. She was also not very attractive, but, fortunately, she had one of the few husbands at the time that didn't particularly care.

dAmbtaT.png


There are, of course, just a few more people living in the Duchy of Athens. It's good for us, then, that none of them actually matter. Well, they matter, in their own special ways, but I don't actually care about them. So in that way they don't matter, and what I think is the only thing that truly matters, right? Matter matter matter. Anyway, I'm skipping over the lovely painstaking descriptions of the entire population in the interests of actually getting to what's in my journal. In it, I have recorded some of the deepest, most important, and world-changing conversations that have ever happened in Athens. Some of those, anyway, but mostly it's full of Vagharshak being an idiot.
 
Why is a picture of Princess Ximena of Navarra at the end? But a great narrative, Gela. Especially the Armenian mobster.
 
He was an ambitious man, and he would lie to your face about the color of your shoes. Or sandals. Did shoes exist yet? These are the hard-hitting questions I forgot to find the answers to during my research.

They did exist - shoes.
311px-Chalcolithic_leather_shoe_from_Areni-1_cave.jpg Armenian shoes, about 5500 years old. Greek preferred to go barefoot, as it was more practical on boats


By the way, interesting AAR, I'll follow it!
 
small question: was vagharshak just a random courtier who you decided would make a good foil for Raphail, or did you create him your self? Looking forward to the rest of this aar, by the way.

He randomly fled to my court from Armenia and I was like "Thanks for handing me my character on a silver platter, Paradox!"
 
They did exist - shoes.

Armenian shoes, about 5500 years old. Greek preferred to go barefoot, as it was more practical on boats

So Vagharshak, despite the fact that he's an Armenian mobster (and a poor one, at that) in exile in Athens, has more advanced footwear than Doux Raphail. A man noted solely for his burning ambition (coupled with being a closeted homosexual and a study in mediocrity). This is perhaps not the most auspicious start to a friendship... ;)

Nice start. I can't see where this is going, but considering Athens' low starting point, the only way surely must be up (oh, and Rafe seems to be handy with a knife, too. That could come in handy)!
 
I'm glad to follow along on your new AAR here.
 
Chapter two is coming soon, probably before you read this post! Just now getting to the feedback that I didn't have an immediate answer for, sorry for the delay.

In other news, (since I figure it's okay to talk about basically anything in the feedback section) I've decided to start doing cardio because it's rather embarrassing to be a fencer and run out of breath. I'm starting on an elliptical, twenty minutes a night, hopefully I'll be able to start actually going running before winter is over. Spring isn't my favorite thing (ha ha rhymes are funny right guys?!), at least outdoors.

Looks interesting.

Say what you will about Republic of the Blue Lion, but it nevertheless had an awesome banner. :D

Subbed.

subbinag!

Subbin! I love Gela AARs!

I too will follow.

I'm glad to follow along on your new AAR here.

You're all awesome! Tanzhang, it's apparently rather easy to get an awesome banner when you leave big red text asking for one on your AAR for like two months. :D

They did exist - shoes.
View attachment 95872 Armenian shoes, about 5500 years old. Greek preferred to go barefoot, as it was more practical on boats


By the way, interesting AAR, I'll follow it!

So Vagharshak, despite the fact that he's an Armenian mobster (and a poor one, at that) in exile in Athens, has more advanced footwear than Doux Raphail. A man noted solely for his burning ambition (coupled with being a closeted homosexual and a study in mediocrity). This is perhaps not the most auspicious start to a friendship... ;)

Nice start. I can't see where this is going, but considering Athens' low starting point, the only way surely must be up (oh, and Rafe seems to be handy with a knife, too. That could come in handy)!

Naturally, Vagharshak is a truly sophisticated fellow, complete with a lack of splinters on his feet.

You never know about going up. Especially starting in the Byzantine Empire with medium crown authority makes things hard.
 
Good start, I always enjoy a good comedy. I also enjoy cake, but I don't have any of that right now. I look forward to the second chapter that is, apparently, supposed to be here quite soon. :)

Yeah, it's taking longer than planned since I thought what I had written was unacceptable and threw it out.
 
Chapter II - Best Day Ever

My sincerest apologies for the delay. I threw the first draft of this out, then I got sick, then I had to take exams. But I am finally back and still alive, so here we are! Apologies for the quality of this one since I haven't had time to warm up after I not being able to write for a week.

TWO
BEST DAY EVER

“Sometimes, I wonder...” Raphail said aloud to no in particular. Unfortunately, Ximena happened to be in the room and thought he was talking to her.

“You wonder about what?” Her face had lit up, excited to actually talk to her husband for once. Ever since she had left Navarra to come to Athens about a year ago, she had very rarely even held conversation with the man who brought her there in the first place. She had figured out his queer tendencies within a week or so, and she was only looking for friendship. She had been lonely in the palace, primarily because there was a rather surprising lack of almost any noblewomen at all besides the older, married ones. Raphail sighed.

“Well, if you must know, I'm wondering how to get Vagharshak to stop bothering me all the time.” Ximena saw an opportunity.

“I'm sure he's just very lonely. I bet if you get him a wife, she'll keep him occupied at least some of the time!”

He laughed, then his face slowly became more serious. “Incredible. Something useful actually came out of your mouth!” She pouted, and he laughed again. “I will arrange for some lowborn girl to come to the palace.”

“He needs a strong woman, not some weak-willed peasant. You know how those mobster types are. Even I do, and I'm from Navarra where there is a distinct lack of Armenian nobles.”

“You see, there is a slight problem. A strong woman is usually a smart woman. And any woman who had an actual brain would never agree to marry Vagharshak.”

“Surely there must be a smart woman with a stupid father somewhere in the world!” Ximena exclaimed. Raphail stared and then slowly nodded. Indeed, even though it was hard to find a genius without genius parents, perhaps he could find a woman who was at least of moderate intelligence who was born to an idiot. An idiot stupid enough to marry his daughter to Vagharshak. Where would he find one...?



Raphail walked throughout the manor, trying to find his pseudo-friend. He wasn't in any of his usual spots, like the kitchen, the armory, or the small dark corner near the dungeon that he liked to wait in to jump out at people. He tried thinking where he hadn't been. Then, he realized there was one room he hadn't yet paid a visit to. “It can't be,” he said, running down the hallway.

He turned and opened the door. Indeed, as he had expected, Vagharshak was sitting inside. Reading. In the library. Raphail's mouth hung open. “Why the hell do you know how to read?” he asked accusingly. Perhaps it wasn't a book with words so much as one with pictures. But Raphail didn't think he owned one of those, books with pictures were very expensive and, despite being the glorious duke of Athens, he lacked the necessary funds. It was unlikely there was one in the whole ducal library.

“Raphail, my friend!” Vagharshak exclaimed as he looked up from the book. Raphail caught a glance at one of the pages. He could hear his world view shattering as his brain deciphered the images to mean that yes, the Armenian man actually was reading words.

“I know how read because father taught me. He was very interested in books, and in write them. He actually make machine that could print pages of a book very quick, no need for write,” Vagharshak said.

“I've never heard of such a machine.”

“It was very interesting. But no one really wanted read books, and then machine get lost after house fire. He not remember how make. Is very sad.”

“What did he call this machine?”

“I think he call press of some kind. Print press. That what it is.”

“Oh, I see. Well it sounds rather silly, your father should have put his time into something that would actually change the world. Like a new kind of weapon.”

“I agree. Is actually funny how ridiculous idea was, now that I think about it. This why I become mafia, to show father that hurting people make you much more successful than word. But I also like reading.”

Raphail nodded. It was strange how suddenly he could feel himself empathizing with Vagharshak. That was a bad sign, he needed to stop immediately. What had he come here for?

“Ah, yes, I remember why I'm even here in the first place. Congratulations, friend, you're getting married!”

“What? I not find wife.”

“I know, I find – er, found, one for you. Or at least I will, I haven't yet. But it's time for you to be married, then hopefully you will stop trying to extort money from my captain of the guard since you'll actually have something to do.”

Vagharshak smiled and tried to run over to give him a hug, but Raphail closed the door and went back to his chambers.



As Raphail walked back into his room and prepared to lie down, already exhausted from the very surreal conversation he had just had, his wife was waiting with a smile on her face. “I have some great news, darling!”

“Please don't call me that. Also, what is it?”

“I'm pregnant!” she exclaimed. They had already worked out a deal where she could sleep with anyone she wanted and Raphail wouldn't care, as long as the child was said to belong to him. That took away his need to complete his most awful duty as her husband.

“Fantastic. That means you'll be busy too, and soon no one will be able to disturb me! Things are great for you Raphail, you're really on top!” he said, genuinely smiling. Ximena pouted again.