Yes, yes, I know. Spain is a Great power, we kick ass, blablabla, blebleble. Matter of fact, it is bloody hard to play Spain, because everybody hates your guts, plus you have to divide your attention between Europe and America, etc, etc. Plus I¡¯m a Spaniard!! Anyway, I¡¯m playing Hard/Aggressive ver.1.08. No missions, random events on.
I placed a previous AAR but never finished it since the patch came down, and I began anew. I, once again, hope that you all enjoy it as much as I have enjoyed readying other AARs.
It is the year of the Lord 1492, and Their royal highnesses the Catholic Majesties rule glorious Spain. Recently joined Castille and Aragon have created the first truly nation-state in Europe. I¡¯m have been recently introduced in court in the role of advisor, but events have trust me into the forefront of my nation¡¯s decision making process. Due to the death of my predecessor, Don Pedro Mier de Burgos, I¡¯m to take the role of First Royal Advisor to the Catholic Majesties.
700 years of Reconquista are coming to an end with our 40k army poised to conquer Granada. We have possessions in France and in the Low Countries and Naples is our, oh so faithful, vassal.
Looking at our situation, France appears to be the greatest threat to our possessions. We are allied to England, and Milan, so we hurriedly invited Lorraine into the alliance, in order to surround France
January- The 17k Granada army goes to Andalucia, so we order our 40k army to march on the infidels and squash them like bugs.
In other parts of our possessions, and knowing the French trait of avarice, we fortify the Franche-Comte (since many nations, especially France, believe we store our treasures there- fools, little do they know that we have planted that rumor ourselves-jejeje).
A crazy Italian explorer by the name of Columbus comes to court with stories of nonsense, saying that he can find the Indies by going west, but¡¦. Doesn¡¯t he know he¡¯ll fall off Earth if he sails that way? Anyway their Catholic Majesties give him a 3-ship expedition so that he would shut up and send him on his way.
Andalucia is besieged by the Moorish horde, but our army arrives shortly. I start reading the battle dispatches, ¡° Our army meets the Grenada rabble and a fierce battle is fought¡±. Ok, so far so good. ¡°We dwindle their numbers to 7k¡±, great, now I¡¯m ready to celebrate. ¡°but our troops are fought to a stand still and have to retreat¡±, What!? I immediately recall the commanding General to Madrid for ¡°Consultations¡±, and I select him to clean latrines in the Canaries Islands, as his excuse for defeat was a lame ¡°the moors had wicked looking swords¡¦ (humph)¡±.
Our army, now down to 31k, retreats to Toledo, while the moors continue their siege of Andalucia. Once our army reaches Toledo, they are sent packing to Sierra Nevada, to see if they can do something worthwhile, like a siege, or an assault.
March- The change of commanding General seemed to have had a rather refreshing impact on the army, as they disbanded 7k newly recruited Grenada troops. The remains flee to Andalucia, where their 7k is trying, ineffectively, to siege Seville. This victory seemed to be it, as our army immediately storm the fortress in Sierra Nevada and conquer it. With a smile in my face, I ride to the Grenadine king and offer him Annexation, or eternal bliss rowing in one of our galleys. He selects annexation, of course.
Cologne offers us a royal marriage, we accept as we hope to cover our Low Countries provinces with German allies. The princess of Cologne is reputed to be ¡°strong and willed as a mule¡±, and she looks like one too, so our nobles aren¡¯t anxious to meet this fine woman. Since nobody volunteered to marry the daughter of the King of Cologne, I make various nobles to draw the shortest straws to select the happy groom, and the son of the Duke of Medina is ¡°selected¡± to marry Elsa, who looks as if she lifts wheelbarrows for fun. It took 5 royal guards to place him tied and gagged in a carriage and send him to Madrid for the happy ceremony.
In April, we send merchants, in hopes to increase our income. To further strengthen our alliance, we invite The Palatinate into our alliance, giving us another 20k friends near the French border. Why do the French give me such funny feeling! Every time I see a Frenchman, I want to reach for my sword!
Austria asks us to accept one of their royal sons into marriage, so we accepted, as we feel we might need all the friends we can get! Since it is a Prince, The Catholic Majesties marry their daughter of to Phillip (The birth of a future Hapsburg dynasty!)
In December Columbus, that good for nothing, discovers a new route to the Indies, discovering Tortuga?! Funny name for the Indies, but we still rejoice and I¡¯m forced to reevaluate my opinion about Columbus, so I named him Admiral of the fleet to show him there are no hard feeling.
In Feb. we build up the fortress at Artois, since the French might start feeling playful, and we don¡¯t want to play with them¡¦..yet
Their Catholic Majesties decide to honor me by giving me a bodyguard, Don Axel de La Patada. He seems to be very fond of his war ax, and has all the brainpower of one too! I decide he might be good to impress foreign ambassadors or rebellious nobles and nothing much else.
In July, Columbus returns from the Indies, but he only has two ships left. He is sent back to the Indies to discover some more, and a trading post is established in Tortuga.
Feb- I was waking up, feeling very peaceful when a persistent knock on the door forced me to stand up and open the door. A royal messenger said ¡°quick my lord, their majesties want a meeting with you¡±. Feeling very grumpy, and braving the early morning cold temperature, I visit their Majesties. When I reached the conference room, I almost choked on the news!!! England has declared war on France!!! All of our ¡°allies¡±
have declined the honor to accompany England down suicide lane, and who can blame them! What lunatic is sitting in the English throne? But after much thought we go to war too, as this is a great opportunity to cut France to a much more manageable size. The whole French gang has joined the fun, Savoy and Papal States. We have a 30k army in Girona and a 14k in the Portuguese border, while the French have two separate armies numbering at least 60k between them, plus God knows how many in the interior of the country. As the balance of force was not great, I took a loan of 200 ducats to build up an army in the Low Countries.
Believing our stories about gold in the Franche-Comte, the French armies do a conga line to siege that province, together with help from Savoy. Pretty soon there are 51k French- savoyans troops besieging Franche-Comte in the middle of winter. I hope the French think that snow has a nutritional value, since they see a lot of it.
March- Meanwhile our army in Spain starts to rip France¡¯s southern frontiers by assaulting Bearn. Our army is victorious and it is immediately sent to Gascogne. Meanwhile the French are still impersonating popsicles in front of the Franche-Comte, but apparently are not good at it, as their numbers drop to 42k.
June- Our southern army goes then to Languedoc which is laid to siege. Our Northern Army has been finally been recruited and after a period of training it is sent to Paris.
July- The Franche-Comte finally falls but it cost the French at least 30k troops to do it. The French then turned their attention to Luxembourg.
August- Luxembourg falls after a quick assault. We decided that this war might be a little bit out of hand and decide to offer France a white peace, but they refuse!
September- Paris falls! Our troops caught the French defenders with their breeches down, and before they could say ¡°nous somme merde¡±, the city is ours. I have a special suite laid for me at the Ritz, while our horses piss on the Seine. Our northern army then defeats a 17k French army and sends them packing to collect baguettes in heaven. Our northern army, now controlled by the great general Colonna, goes to Orleannais and starts a siege. In the south the Papal lackeys interrupt our siege of Gascogne, but our field Marshall Cordoba cuts them in half and only 5k papalists are left to go back to the Pope. Suddenly we get an offer for peace with France, they pay us 8 ducats and give us Bearn and Gascogne!! We gracefully accept it and Peace is signed.
We rebuild our alliance with Lorraine, Palatinate and Hessen. England is still fighting the French, Savoyans, Papalists and Scotland! Well, I can only wish them well, but they brought it upon themselves.
March- The Scots sign a peace with the English. The Marches and Lancashire goes to the highlanders. In the southern part of England, the French siege Kent and Wessex.
April- We build a colony in Tortuga, and expand a Trading post in Cayes.
1496 France gets Kent and Wessex in exchange of peace. In a sly move from their part, French ambassador Pomme du Terre does not request Calais, which gives them a CB against England.
1497-1499 These are peaceful years. Bavaria is invited and England is readmitted into our alliance, and is given a state gift of 100 ducats so they can rebuild their armed forces. France is also rebuilding their strength and I fear that a new war will be close by.
Columbus continues to explore the Indies, and we now have explored most of a place called Gulf of Mexico (funny Chinese name).
In 1499 we also get a brave lad by the name of Ojeda, who is given 4k and 10 cannon to bring civilization to the pagans in the west.
1500- Ojeda lands in Tampioco, and discovers some funny oriental tribe named Aztecs!? We can see that they have a 36k army, so we decide to send Ojeda reinforcements. BTW, they also have a pile of gold, so we will DOW them ASAP, as we could use the gold better than they could.
1501- more peaceful development. Now we have a trading Post in Nicaragua.
Feb. The general peace is cut by the moors when Persia, Mameluks and Georgia decide to gang on Iraq.
We send colonists to the Indies, to places like Moron, Jamaica and Cayes.
April. England is wisening up and upgrades a lot of their province fortresses.
June. We send lots of royal cousins to Parma, Tuscany and Genoa for marriages. We do want to keep our Italian friends close by. In the great Italian marriage sweepstakes I decide to get married to the daughter of the Duce of Genoa, as she is a widely admired beautiful woman. I pulled rank with their majesties and get their approval. In the wedding day, I get lots of black looks from other nobles, specially the son of the Duke of Medina, who, as you all probably recall, was forced to marry Elsa, the human wheelbarrow. Thankfully, Don Axel is playing with his axe, so no one gets ideas when the priest cries out the part about speak now, or hush forever¡¦¡¦
Our loyal vassal, Naples have decided to strike it on their own, damn them!!! The French poodles immediately offer them an alliance, brrrrr! There will be a day in which they will suffer beneath our boots for this outrage.
August. We finally reinforced Ojeda, with another lad named Balboa. Both of them have close to 5k inf. 2k horse Plus 10 cannon.
Oct. Poland and France together with their lapdogs Savoy, Papal States, Scotland, Naples and Helvetia declare war on Russia. Strangely enough, the Danish honor their alliance (strange due to they size of the French- Polish alliance)
Feb.- Huge armies are seen trampling through the Russian Steppe. 130k poles invade Novgorod, while 6k Russian invade Tula.
15k French invade Jylland, near Copenhagen.
The harsh Russian winter has swallowed more than 2/3 of the Polish armies. The Russians, wiser to the weather, have lost almost no troops.
March. The pitiful remains of the once formidable Polish army, now numbering 20k are going reeling back to Poland. In other news, Iraq pays 147 gold ones to Persia in order to keep their necks attached to their heads.
Dec. 15k savoyans show up in Copenhagen and lay it to siege.
Feb. Their majesties promote me to count, which goes along nicely with my new bride. Along with the title I get two new bodyguards, Don Mortadelo and Don Filemon.
April. We declare war on the Aztecs. Their Majesties are not impressed and demote me!!!! What in #%@?
I also seem to notice 63k French troops in Picardie, trying to look innocent, but of course they fool no one. My army in Artois is increased to 45k souls.
May. We conquer Zacatecas, which is the Aztec capital. When we get their maps, we see a new sea to the west. Everybody at court were scratching their head, mulling over that, when another crazy Italian guy named Americo Vesomething, says that we have discovered a new continent. What?! Anyway, I was happily going to request to their Majesties about naming it after me, but that dastardly Italian had gone ahead, and they name the new continent America. However, on a twist, the people there are still called Indians (go figure!).
June. Jylland falls to France, and the French move to Copenhagen with their Savoyans brethen to continue the siege. May they all drop to the sea.
July. I¡¯m a count again. Apparently it was all a mistake, and the clerk responsible is volunteered to America, rowing all the way, of course.
Sept. Another Aztec province falls, this one called Michoagan. BTW, it is placed on a mountain of Gold.
Oct. Atlixco falls. Ojeda is doing a magnificent job of merry go around with the Aztecs. Only one more province to go!
Nov. Tuxpan falls!! We annex the Aztecs. Gold, Gold, Gold. Now we can really start building up armies and kicking ass We even have the Pope give us holy permission, with that treaty Tordesillas.
Dec. Denmark signs peace with France, giving up Jylland to France, plus 250 ducats. Shame on the French!
1504. A new explorer crops up, but he is sent to Holland with our northern fleet, aswe have no leaders worth talking about.
May. The Polish-Russian war goes to round 2. Tula falls to Russia and then goes to Poland. Tver falls to Poland and the falls to Russia. The Russians have 31k players and the Poles have 46k. Looks like they are racing each other on the steppes!
Aug. In another Muslim war, Turkey gets Armenia plus 13 ducats from Persia. I don¡¯t give a weeks old urinal content about it.
Tortuga becomes a city (Tortuga City!!), so we have a base of expansion in the Caribbean.
Nov. denmark pays 250 to Savoy for peace. That was really a costly war for those poor Danish guys!
Dec. We place a trading post in Roanoke, while in the east, Russia wins back Tver. The score is Russia 3- Poland 2.
1505. The Russians get Walikia. Russia 4- Poland 2.
Feb. Tula falls to Poland. Russia 4- Poland 3.
April. Vitebsk falls to Russia. Score, 5-3
May. In a brilliant diplomatic move Hungary in annexed by our good friends the Austrians. Shame that their alliance expires in 1530, as we could really use them against France.
July. Balboa discovers a place called California. What a place!! The native women are all blonde, and for some reason, they are all big breasted (some do look fake, humph) Ojeda discovers the Inca.
Aug. War is declared against the Inca. Ojeda has 8k troops that should make short work of those Incas.
Oct. Walikia falls to Poland, and Tula falls to Russia. Score, 6-4. I am sure the inhabitants in those provinces have 2 sets of national flags, one for one year and the other for next year. What I¡¯m really curious about is what language they teach those kids in school, Russian or Polish?
Columbus dies! Shame, as he really was the one that got us into America. He is place in Andalucia for all generations to see a great person and a superb explorer. Ojeda is stuck in Guayaquil, were he is constantly attack by the Incas.
April. Polotsk falls to Russia and Belarus is sieged. Russia 7- Poland 4.
May. In the annual province turnover, the people in Walikia welcome their Russian oppressors again. 8-4, advantage Russia.
Sept. For all my hard job, I get the title of Marquis.
Dec. In the final chapter of the Danish debacle, Scotland gets¡¦¡¦.What? no, I can¡¯t be true, how in the world? The Scots get Iceland! What the hell!! I don¡¯t know what surprises me the most, how the Scots go there, or why would they want that floating piece of ice. I¡¯m sure the Danes get some comfort from watching the Scots freeze to death in Iceland.Denmark pays 228 to the polish and all is quiet for the Danes.
1507. The Kazanist decided that it would be a good time to start a war, so they pick Russia. Supporting Kazan is the Golden Horde, and Denmark (?), supports Russia.
1509. Denmark gets 229 from Kazan. I hope they get confort from those.
1510-1516. Peaceful years, I get to expand our army and colonies. Ojeda gets wiped out by the Incas, and we get a white peace. We will avenge him. Balboa discovers Iroquois, and after heavy reinforcements from Mexico, we finally conquer them. I also establish a TP in Manhattan.
In 1512, I¡¯m named Duke.
1516. We get a new king, Phillip I. He is an indifferent king, and the realm is still run by me. However there is Cardinal Mendoza, who is pushing for my post. We¡¯ll see about that!
1517. A guy named Martin Luther pins some essay condemning church practices. After making Cardinal Mendoza aquientance, I agree with most of them, but not enough to change our state religion.
1519. Carlos I is crowned king of Spain. After almost 28 years, I finally get a worthy king. Spain is poised for expansion, and a new era has begun!