Episode 41- All is Fair in Love and Naples
Also features a long- overdue pants joke.
Naples, 14 April 1526
Four years has passed since the almost disastrous war between Naples and Pisa and things were getting back to normal. Most of Europe didn’t even notice the conflict- money was still flowing as usual- in fact, a new Center of Trade was established in December of 1525, in Lotharingian province of Metz. Will it last longer than Reykjavik? It still remains to be seen.
EUIII Nostalgia Snippet #2453: Small countries with relatively big incomes making Centers of Trade everywhere.
“Why should I care about some center of trade, Captain? We don’t even have any active merchants!”
Captain Ignatio sighed. King Cezare was itching to go to another war for a long time. He tried his best to dissuade him out of the idea, instead trying to steer him mind towards domestic policies. It was like trying to redirect a river, though Ignatio wasn’t easily discouraged.
“My King, I think we should pay more attention to our income. The last war really strained our budget…”
“Yeah, I know….. The thing is, though, the trade competition is so high our merchants don’t have a chance on the markets! I wish we were living in simpler times, when you could just send merchants to trade and not worry about a thing….”
Ignatio laughed. “That would be quite something, your Majesty….. Though, if trading is out of the question, we can always invest in the provinces…. Firenze is long due for a Counting House….”
“Very well…” Cezare said, disinterested, and waved his hand in a similarly bored fashion. “Now, my Captain, I believe there were talks about Castile in today’s Council meeting?”
Ignatio sighed yet again. He was hoping that one day Cezare will stop sleeping throughout the meetings, though this hope was waning with each passing day.
“Yes, my King. Castile has won wars against Tunisia and Morocco. They gained substantial territories in the area.”
The King looked at the map attached to the report and Shrugged. “Uhg… These borders are dreadful! These Spaniards really need to hire some strategists with aesthetic sense! But I guess we have a competitor in the area now. Keep me updated on the information, Ignatio!”
“Yes, I will. Good day, my Liege, I must excuse myself.” The Captain left.
“If only you paid more attention to things your advisors say you’d me more informed…” He looked towards the ceiling and sighed heavily.
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It’s been over 30 years since Filippo Savaranola and his brave foot have taken the first steps on the shores of the New World. Since then, Neapolitan colonial possessions were only growing. In fact, the influx of citizens was so large, a new settlement site was needed. Thus, a new colony was established in June of 1526, in the region of Pernambuco.
It seemed that King Cezare’s concerns about Castile weren’t entirely baseless. The former allies of Naples were starting to expand not only through warfare, but also peaceful expansion. In July, they decided to lay claims on the inheritance in Sweden. Were they to succeed, Castile would become a formidable foe indeed.
However in Naples, everything was going all right so far….
25 September 1526
“My King, I present to you a matter of utmost importance…”
An envoy entered the Royal Chamber, where King Cezare was sitting on his throne, surrounded by the council members.
“Very well, let’s hear it!”
The messenger stepped forward.
“My Liege, I’m sure you’re aware of the terrible event that was the murder of Count Spantania that happened a few days ago.”
“Hmmm…. Indeed I have, though you’re more than welcome to share some details if you know some.”
“All right…. So, the guards found a body in the ditch, with an arrow stuck in its knee…”
“A knee, huh? What a terrible way to go for a Count….” Crowley said, looking morbidly curious.
“What? No, dear Councilor, that was not the Count who was laying down there, just some nondescript city dweller. Don Spantania found the body and made fun of the arrow placement. His companions whacked him because, frankly, they were tired of that old joke. Count Spantania died of his wounds in bed three days ago.”
Captain Ignatio rolled his eyes. The squabbles between nobles aren’t something he’s unfamiliar with, though this one looked more serious, as there was already blood spilled. Angry nobles can be very vengeful, as he could testify.
“So, the count’s dead…. I’m sad to hear that but why is it such an important matter?” Cezare queried.
“My King, the murder of Count Spantania was but a catalyst for an uproar in Neapolitan nobility. Some of the noblemen demand execution of the perpetrators, others are siding with them. I’m afraid that if the Crown doesn’t take action, me might have a civil war on hand…”
Cezare pondered. “What do you think, Councilors?”
“My King, I believe we should intervene in this matter. Tensions between nobles can turn into really nasty wars, especially with recent religious conflicts. There won’t be any winners here.” Ignatio decided to say. Other councilors agreed with him.
“Very well. I will condone a official trial and the perpetrators will be judged according to the law. You are now free, dear Sir, have a pleasant day.”
“Thank you for your attention, your Majesty.” The envoy bowed and left the room.
King Cezare smiled. “See? It’s not so hard to govern a country!”
Ignatio sighed. “My King, I’m glad that you’re so enthusiastic about it but I really think you should concentrate more on the matters of the state…”
Cezare frowned. “Your lack of faith in me fills me with sadness, Captain. But, you shall see soon that I have the good of Naples in my best interest!” The King stood up from his throne and started circling the room. “I’ll give you an example, my Captain! Our possessions in Italy are divided and it hurts our economy…”
“That’s right, my King, but what can we possibly do about it….”
“Well, my Captain, I have the perfect solution!”
Ignatio turned pale. “You Majesty….. You’re surely not thinking about declaring war on the Pope!”
“No, Ignatio, That’s not at all what I had in mind….”
“Aww, too bad…” Crowley expressed his disappointment.
“….I was referring to the Duke of Urbino. The little state was our faithful vassal for a very long time. I think it’s time to strengthen our bond!”
“That’s great, your Majesty, but what makes you think that the Duke of Urbino will agree to our proposal?”
“Well, Captain, I can’t tell you, but trust me, he will!”
Ignatio decided to give up on rational arguments and instead shook his shoulders. “All right, my King, we can try…”
Cezare smiled broadly. “See? That’s way better! Now, I think we can all call it a day, then?”
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Despite Captain Ignatio’s skepticism, King Cezare turned out to be right- Duke Urbino agreed to the proposal of incorporation into Naples.
The diplomatic aggression of Castile continued, though this time they decided to target a nation much closer to Naples. By including Byzantium in their Sphere of Influence they made new wars against the Byzantines difficult.
Because the war to conquest was closed on the east for a time being, King Cezare decided to try a different angle of approach. Portugal’s occupation of Ferrara had been an eyesore for Naples for quite some time and Cezare decided to do something about it. While outright declaration of war was out of the question for now, Naples decided to issue a warning to the King of Portugal- had they go to war with any neighbors of Naples, King Cezare would have a perfect opportunity.
Speaking of opportunities, the colonial possessions of Naples continued to grow still. In fact one of the villages has grown enough to become a full- fledged city, just in the beginning of 1527.
In 1527, it was apparent that the star of England was waning rapidly. After yet another humiliating defeat at the hands of Scotland, England was reduced to the provinces of London, Kent and Glamorgan.
October saw yet another war in the East, this time between Muscowy and Lithuania. Will it be the war that decides the balance of power in Russia?
Meanwhile, Naples was enjoying a period of relative peace. However, this was bound to change soon…
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Naples, 19 August 1528
The Council of Naples was just finishing the routine report on the state of the country. The King and most of the councilors already left, leaving Captain Ignatio, Aziraphale and Crowley to finish the paperwork.
“Thank God it’s finally done!” Ignatio shouted while throwing his hands in the air. He promptly stood out and left the council chamber, without saying goodbye to the rest.
“You know, Crowley, I’m starting to worry about the Captain. He seems really stressed out.” Aziraphale said when he observed the scene.
Crowley scoffed. “Bah! If I was spending all the time with our King, I’d be stressed out as well.”
“You know, I doubt it’s the King’s fault. He’s gotten better since the war with Pisa. He even offered to help the natives in the colonies when a disease struck them down!”
“Yeah, but Ignatio practically begged him to spare the money. He was desperately trying to repair the Royal Family’s reputation after that stunt with Ferrante…”
Aziraphale nodded. The accident involving the royal cousin and heir apparent and a cabbage cart, which didn’t involve pants, was infamous in the city. Captain Ignatio went out of his way to try to repair the King’s image.
“…On top of that…” Crowley continued. “Genoa has just annexed Milan. Some people are worried that a new enemy is growing at our northern border and the King is doing nothing about it.”
“Yeah, but see, Crowley….. King Cezare did a lot to improve the country’s economic stability…”
They both looked at each other and sighed heavily.
“I suppose you might be right after all…” Aziraphale said. “I just hope that the Captain will be all right…”
Meanwhile, in the other part of the Palace, Captain Ignatio returned to his room and landed heavily on the bed. His thoughts were full of bitterness and accusations. Even though he and Cezare knew each other for a long time and trusted each other, he was growing more and more disillusioned about his ability at running the country.
“Why can’t he just listen to the sound advice of the Council?” We wondered to himself.
Suddenly he heard a suspicious sound coming from behind him. He got out of bed- there was rummaging coming from the cupboard.
“What the…” He said as he slowly approached the source of the noise.
As we came closer, he recognized some sort of voice spewing out curses and enmities towards various inanimate objects. Ignatio gripped the handle of his sword, which he always carried with him, and slowly opened the cupboard.
It was filled with pots and plates, as was expected. However, one of the pots was vibrating slightly.
“…Ugh….. finally I managed to get in…. I swear, pots these days…… Ahem…. I’ve noticed that you’ve been listening to me….”
Ignatio’s body tensed as he heard the sound of a seemingly disembodied voice. “Who are you and what do you want from me?”
The voice laughed. It wasn’t a pleasant laugh, but I wasn’t annoying either- there was something otherworldly and sinister about it. “I want only one thing, dear Captain, though, I dare to say I’m more interested in what you want…”
Ignatio’s grip on the weapon tightened. “Explain yourself immediately.”
“Oh, but of course…. See, I’ve noticed that you’ve been having trouble with your dear King….. You think the country should fall into better hands?”
“That’s nonsense. I wouldn’t even dare to stand against Cezare!” He shouted out.
“Oh, I’m not insinuating such a thing, though maybe I can provide help in, hmmmm, convincing dear Cezare towards the matters of the state….”
Ignatio stood before the cupboard dumbfounded. “Why should I even listen to you?! It might be a Devil’s trickery!” He was more and more convinced that he should report that to the Bishop immediately.
“Now, my Boy, don’t be too hasty in accusations. I’m sure the King wouldn’t like if the Captain of the Guard went telling everyone that his palace is haunted…”
Captain sighed heavily. “All right…. I don’t like this, but the matters of the state are more important to me…. More to the point, though: What are you proposing and what do you want from me in return?”
The creepy voice laughed yet again. “Ah, straight to business. I like it! Very well…. I will help you deal with our dear King, though I want one very peculiar thing in return….” The air suddenly became very cold and Ignatio was visibly shivering.
The voice coming from the cupboard roared out two simple words.
“YOUR SOUL.”
Ignatio gasped in horror. He knew exactly what was happening and he wanted nothing to do with it.
“Leave me alone, Demon! I won’t take part in your scheme!”
“But, don’t leave so early, my Captain! We can have a little party together!”
The world became spinning and Ignatio was soon losing his grip on reality. The cupboard was jiggling violently and the Captain saw a dark, tall figure slowly emerging from the shadows.
As he lost consciousness, a grim figure was standing above him, visibly satisfied.
“Yep, I still got it…..”
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Captain Ignatio woke up the following day with a giant headache and only very vague recollection of what has happened. The rest of the world moved on as if nothing has happened.
In October of 1528, Lithuania made peace in which it ceded large swaths of land to Muscowy, assuring the Russian dominance in the region.
Meanwhile back at home, breakthroughs in statesmanship made a new type of government possible- a monarchy with administrators instead of vassal lords. While the idea seemed interesting, it didn’t get a whole lot of approval in Naples just yet.
The Neapolitan colonial empire was growing with each passing year. The beginning of 1529 marked the foundation of a new settlement in Ceara, expanding the Neapolitan presence in the New World.
However, the truly groundbreaking news came later that year.
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Naples, 20 September 1529
The news of the war between Portugal and Castile spread pretty fast and caused quite the stir in Naples. It was surely an interesting development- the two countries were usually friendly with each other.
But it was also an opportunity. With Castile at war, their declaration of support for Portugal was rendered null. Thus, Naples had the perfect opportunity to declare war on them and retake Ferrara.
“So, my dear Councilors, we are moving out tomorrow to wage war upon Portugal! This will be a glorious campaign that will surely bring us triumph.”
“Yes, my Liege, this is a great opportunity for us.” Captain Ignatio agreed.
“I’m curious, Captain…. You agreed pretty fast to my proposal…. Usually you are opposed to my propositions of glorious warfare. What changed your mind?”
“Does it matter, my Kink? This was is surely a righteous cause. We should take back Italian land from foreign aggressors!”
“That we’ll do, my Captain! Now, my Councilors, I wish you all well. I will write as soon as we’ll arrive in Ferrara.”
As they were leaving, Aziraphale and Crowley were observing them curiously, Ignatio in particular.
“Didn’t you notice that Captain Ignatio is acting weird recently?” Aziraphale asked.
“Yeah, I did… He was always agreeing with the King and his ideas….. He even kept bringing this dirty rodent of his with his to the Council meetings….”
“Wait, a rodent? I didn’t know Ignatio had a pet…”
“It’s hard to notice but indeed he has….. A hamster, I presume. I didn’t notice it until about a year ago, actually, he might’ve gotten it recently…”
Aziraphale looked at the King and his friend riding off. “You know, Crowley, I have a bad feeling about this….”
At least I don't have to westernize....
