There's nowt as queer as Norfolk... - A Norfolk AAR
- Thread starter DensleyBlair
- Start date
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I would just like to issue an apology to any French speakers who may have the misfortune to read this and be offended. And to anyone else - the French was meant to be bad at best, I'm not just demonstrating my as-yet incomplete education (that wasn't a quip about the education system in the UK, by the way, I'm 14)
Rather brilliant to my mind, particular highlights 'Oh, le sod est' and '**le laughter**'.
Good to see Sherwyn inspiring the usual great loyalty in his aides!
Good stuff all round, looking forward to the next update.
5 - Some Celebrations
"Oh the j-j-joy! My wife h-has r-recently-"
"Left me?"
"No, Ecgbert, m-my w-wife has recently g-g-gi... had a s-son:
I have n-named him Osræd, and I h-hope he will do g-great things one day."
"Don't put too much pressure on him."
"Ecgbert, go away. And anyway, w-why aren't y-you addressing m-me as my lord... Actually, d-don't: I p-prefer it when you don't."
"Ceratinly, my lord."
"D-Does he n-not listen? N-Never mind, s-some p-people just aren't as c-clever as m-me, and b-besides, I'm f-feeling t-too fulfilled n-now to care. Oh the w-wonders of the w-world w-when you're happy. I th-think I might write a s-song:
It's g-good isn't it? I w-wonder how it would g-go down at the Jester's Ch-Choice..."
"It's crap* and you're infringing copyright."
"I d-don't know wh-who you are, or wh-what c-copyright is, but I b-beg to d-differ-"
"No, I beg to differ: for a start, there are 'g's missing on 'shining' and 'raining', and that's before we get to the fact that you have had to make up words to make it flow - what does 'ain't' even mean? And even then it blatantly disregards the song performed by Geoffrey de King's Lynn at the Jester's Choice last week, which sounds very similar-"
"Sorry, who a-are y-you?"
"Oh, sorry, my name is John le Yeux, and I represent a group of travelling performers known as 'the Candle Light Group', of which Mr. Geoffrey de King's Lynn is a member-"
"Hang on, y-you s-said the s-song was c-crap-"
"What can I say? I'm shallow"
"..."
"I'll go shall I?"
"Oh, th-thank g-goodness, he's gone. There r-really is no integrity in the p-performing industry n-nowadays...
"..."
"Anyway, th-this is Osræd:
As y-you c-can see, he has a s-s-st... he s-speaks like me."
"Great"
"Um, y-yes, anyway, I d-decided t-to hold a fair in c-celebration:
Hopefully it'll g-give the peasants s-something to b-be happy about-"
"You didn't give the order for a fair when Eadgyth was born..."
"Um, n-n-"
"Do you not care for your daughter, Sherwyn?"
"Um, um, m–my d-daughter, Eadgyth w-was b-born last M-March, and is l-lovely."
"Hmmph"
"Oh, th-thank God, she's g-gone. I th-think it w-would be best if y-you l-left now..."
"Oh the j-j-joy! My wife h-has r-recently-"
"Left me?"
"No, Ecgbert, m-my w-wife has recently g-g-gi... had a s-son:
I have n-named him Osræd, and I h-hope he will do g-great things one day."
"Don't put too much pressure on him."
"Ecgbert, go away. And anyway, w-why aren't y-you addressing m-me as my lord... Actually, d-don't: I p-prefer it when you don't."
"Ceratinly, my lord."
"D-Does he n-not listen? N-Never mind, s-some p-people just aren't as c-clever as m-me, and b-besides, I'm f-feeling t-too fulfilled n-now to care. Oh the w-wonders of the w-world w-when you're happy. I th-think I might write a s-song:
Sun is shinin' in the sky
There ain't a cloud in sight
It's stopped rainin' ev'rybody's in a play
And don't you know
It's a beautiful new day hey,hey
There ain't a cloud in sight
It's stopped rainin' ev'rybody's in a play
And don't you know
It's a beautiful new day hey,hey
It's g-good isn't it? I w-wonder how it would g-go down at the Jester's Ch-Choice..."
"It's crap* and you're infringing copyright."
"I d-don't know wh-who you are, or wh-what c-copyright is, but I b-beg to d-differ-"
"No, I beg to differ: for a start, there are 'g's missing on 'shining' and 'raining', and that's before we get to the fact that you have had to make up words to make it flow - what does 'ain't' even mean? And even then it blatantly disregards the song performed by Geoffrey de King's Lynn at the Jester's Choice last week, which sounds very similar-"
"Sorry, who a-are y-you?"
"Oh, sorry, my name is John le Yeux, and I represent a group of travelling performers known as 'the Candle Light Group', of which Mr. Geoffrey de King's Lynn is a member-"
"Hang on, y-you s-said the s-song was c-crap-"
"What can I say? I'm shallow"
"..."
"I'll go shall I?"
"Oh, th-thank g-goodness, he's gone. There r-really is no integrity in the p-performing industry n-nowadays...
"..."
"Anyway, th-this is Osræd:
As y-you c-can see, he has a s-s-st... he s-speaks like me."
"Great"
"Um, y-yes, anyway, I d-decided t-to hold a fair in c-celebration:
Hopefully it'll g-give the peasants s-something to b-be happy about-"
"You didn't give the order for a fair when Eadgyth was born..."
"Um, n-n-"
"Do you not care for your daughter, Sherwyn?"
"Um, um, m–my d-daughter, Eadgyth w-was b-born last M-March, and is l-lovely."
"Hmmph"
"Oh, th-thank God, she's g-gone. I th-think it w-would be best if y-you l-left now..."
--
To be continued...
--
*views reflected in this AAR do not necessarily reflect those of the author.To be continued...
--
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A suitable son I think
He shall live up to the of Nordfolc family values regarding eloquence methinks
A new update four minutes after my comment, nicely timed! Good to see Sherwyn well on his way to winning a father of the year award, if perhaps not quite the Jester's Choice, Osræd already a most promising heir.
I'm so sorry, I didn't even see your previous comment, probably due to the fact it took me two episodes of Blackadder to write that last part - nicely timed indeed
Thanks for your comments (and it's good to know that my French wasn't in vain - en ce qui me concerne, you can't beat a bon bit of Franglais )
6 - More than the Fare Suggested.
"R-Ruuuunnnnnn!!!!!! Hurry up Th-Thurcytel, I want to c-close the b-bloody door!"
"*slam*"
"Oh, um, h-hello... Sorry, I've j-just h-had to run from an angry p-peasant who w-wanted to k-kill me-"
"He wasn't a peasant sir."
"Oh, b-but, the smell, and the r-ragged clothes, and-"
"He was your vassal, milord. Mayor Marzhin, milord."
"Oh, h-has he n-not had h-hot water plumbing installed yet? I'd th-that why he w-was a bit p-pungent? Is it because of th-those F-French w-workers who c-came along with the N-Normans...?"
"Milord-"
"...Because th-they r-really are a b-bad influence on our honest, h-hard w-working Saxon tradespeople, wh-what with all their strikes and d-d-demands f-for shorter w-working hours and p-pension..."
"Sir-"
"N-now, if th-they w-were Norweigians, th-they would be efficient, l-like those workers f-from the Empire. And h-here's another th-thing - why d-do they get p-preferential t-treatment as far as j-jobs are concerned? It seems every plumber or b-builder I see n-nowadays is f-foreign! I mean, I kn-know the k-king is foreign- Actually, that's a g-good point, wh-why isn't the k-king Saxon? Has h-his job been taken by s-someone 'higher up the l-list at the J-Jobcentre'? I m-mean, I kn-know that there was a w-war, but that doesn't give him any right to..."
"Actually, it does-"
"But, anyway, all these f-foreigners seem to have c-come to England f-for a b-better life - because their Uncle B-Bill has t-told them that they can g-get a quick job d-down the town and retire at f-fifty five in b-bloody B-Benidorm! I mean, s-some of them are even b-barons!-"
"MY LORD!"
"*stunned silence*"
"Um, s-sorry, milord, but you were waffling again..."
"Oh, um, th-thank y-you, Th-Thurcytel..."
"Anyway, the Mayor's appearance was not down to his plumbing, or lack thereof. It was because of the fact that he had just been drawn across the square in a barrel-"
"Why on earth w-was he d-drawn in a b-barrel? I kn-know some of these ch-chariacaturists aren't v-very g-good, b-but they sh-should be able to see that he wasn't in a barrel, or w-was it s-some of this post-m-modernist crap?*-"
"Um, no, milord. Drawn, not drawn. And, besides, he was in a barrel:"
"Oh, um, w-well... Wh-what do you want me t-to d-do about it?"
"Well, how about a strongly worded letter chastising their actions?"
"G-Good God, Th-Thurcytel, you are w-weak, aren't you-"
"So are you."
"Shut up, Riaged... Sorry, um, c-can't we g-go and beat the l-living c-crap out of th-them?"
"Um, do you w-want a rebellion?"
"Does it come with gravy? Good, them that's a yes-"
"Go away, Ecgbert, you-you-you... git."
"Real mature, my lord, really mature..."
"Um, anyway, um, no, um, g-good p-point, Thurcytel, I d-don't w-want a rebellion. Especially if they t-targeted the J-Jester's Choice-"
"Oh, by the way, how did your song go down?"
"Like B-Barbarossa in the S-Saleph... No, m-make that a l-lead Barbarossa."
"Oh... Shall we send the letter, then?"
"I th-think we s-should..."
The following was found pinned to the Jester's Choice the next morning:
"Th-this isn't g-going well is it?"
"What, milord?"
"The f-fayre[/PSUEDOARCHAISM]... First the b-burning-"
"Burning, milord?"
"Oh, y-yes, um, Bishop K-Konan d-didn't ap-p-prove of th-the d-diviners, so he b-burnt them. I guess "Allow th-them t-to stay m-means something d-different in B-Breton..."
"I guess it m-must..."
"Th-then there was the t-time the n-nobles c-complained about all the p-peasants, and I c-couldn't exactly go against them-"
"Well..."
"I c-couldn't have g-gone against them, c-could I?"
"Um, n-no..."
"Now the p-peasants are arming th-themselves... J-Just the other d-day I w-walked past one of them h-holding a p-pitchfork, and he l-looked like he w-was p-practising his s-stabbing skills-"
"He was a farmer, milord..."
"Um, yes, quite... But, anyway, the r-risk is th-there:
**
When will it every end?"
"I don't know, milord, you're the earl..."
"Oh, um, w-well... Th-That was a c-coincidence. Maybe there is s-someone who c-can h-hear my thoughts and controls everything do-"
"Careful, milord, you don't want Bishop Konan to hear you!"
*Just like with ELO, the views reflected by characters in this AAR do not reflect the views of the author.
**Note that it says 'Suffolk' - I've got no idea why, but Sherwyn definately controls NORfolk.
"R-Ruuuunnnnnn!!!!!! Hurry up Th-Thurcytel, I want to c-close the b-bloody door!"
"*slam*"
"Oh, um, h-hello... Sorry, I've j-just h-had to run from an angry p-peasant who w-wanted to k-kill me-"
"He wasn't a peasant sir."
"Oh, b-but, the smell, and the r-ragged clothes, and-"
"He was your vassal, milord. Mayor Marzhin, milord."
"Oh, h-has he n-not had h-hot water plumbing installed yet? I'd th-that why he w-was a bit p-pungent? Is it because of th-those F-French w-workers who c-came along with the N-Normans...?"
"Milord-"
"...Because th-they r-really are a b-bad influence on our honest, h-hard w-working Saxon tradespeople, wh-what with all their strikes and d-d-demands f-for shorter w-working hours and p-pension..."
"Sir-"
"N-now, if th-they w-were Norweigians, th-they would be efficient, l-like those workers f-from the Empire. And h-here's another th-thing - why d-do they get p-preferential t-treatment as far as j-jobs are concerned? It seems every plumber or b-builder I see n-nowadays is f-foreign! I mean, I kn-know the k-king is foreign- Actually, that's a g-good point, wh-why isn't the k-king Saxon? Has h-his job been taken by s-someone 'higher up the l-list at the J-Jobcentre'? I m-mean, I kn-know that there was a w-war, but that doesn't give him any right to..."
"Actually, it does-"
"But, anyway, all these f-foreigners seem to have c-come to England f-for a b-better life - because their Uncle B-Bill has t-told them that they can g-get a quick job d-down the town and retire at f-fifty five in b-bloody B-Benidorm! I mean, s-some of them are even b-barons!-"
"MY LORD!"
"*stunned silence*"
"Um, s-sorry, milord, but you were waffling again..."
"Oh, um, th-thank y-you, Th-Thurcytel..."
"Anyway, the Mayor's appearance was not down to his plumbing, or lack thereof. It was because of the fact that he had just been drawn across the square in a barrel-"
"Why on earth w-was he d-drawn in a b-barrel? I kn-know some of these ch-chariacaturists aren't v-very g-good, b-but they sh-should be able to see that he wasn't in a barrel, or w-was it s-some of this post-m-modernist crap?*-"
"Um, no, milord. Drawn, not drawn. And, besides, he was in a barrel:"
"Oh, um, w-well... Wh-what do you want me t-to d-do about it?"
"Well, how about a strongly worded letter chastising their actions?"
"G-Good God, Th-Thurcytel, you are w-weak, aren't you-"
"So are you."
"Shut up, Riaged... Sorry, um, c-can't we g-go and beat the l-living c-crap out of th-them?"
"Um, do you w-want a rebellion?"
"Does it come with gravy? Good, them that's a yes-"
"Go away, Ecgbert, you-you-you... git."
"Real mature, my lord, really mature..."
"Um, anyway, um, no, um, g-good p-point, Thurcytel, I d-don't w-want a rebellion. Especially if they t-targeted the J-Jester's Choice-"
"Oh, by the way, how did your song go down?"
"Like B-Barbarossa in the S-Saleph... No, m-make that a l-lead Barbarossa."
"Oh... Shall we send the letter, then?"
"I th-think we s-should..."
The following was found pinned to the Jester's Choice the next morning:
"D-Dear p-peasants, stop your imp-prudence at once or else.
Signed,
Earl Sh-Sh-Sh-Sher... Oh, s-sod it, y-you know wh-what to put... of Norfolk"
--
Signed,
Earl Sh-Sh-Sh-Sher... Oh, s-sod it, y-you know wh-what to put... of Norfolk"
--
"Th-this isn't g-going well is it?"
"What, milord?"
"The f-fayre[/PSUEDOARCHAISM]... First the b-burning-"
"Burning, milord?"
"Oh, y-yes, um, Bishop K-Konan d-didn't ap-p-prove of th-the d-diviners, so he b-burnt them. I guess "Allow th-them t-to stay m-means something d-different in B-Breton..."
"I guess it m-must..."
"Th-then there was the t-time the n-nobles c-complained about all the p-peasants, and I c-couldn't exactly go against them-"
"Well..."
"I c-couldn't have g-gone against them, c-could I?"
"Um, n-no..."
"Now the p-peasants are arming th-themselves... J-Just the other d-day I w-walked past one of them h-holding a p-pitchfork, and he l-looked like he w-was p-practising his s-stabbing skills-"
"He was a farmer, milord..."
"Um, yes, quite... But, anyway, the r-risk is th-there:
When will it every end?"
"I don't know, milord, you're the earl..."
"Oh, um, w-well... Th-That was a c-coincidence. Maybe there is s-someone who c-can h-hear my thoughts and controls everything do-"
"Careful, milord, you don't want Bishop Konan to hear you!"
--
*Just like with ELO, the views reflected by characters in this AAR do not reflect the views of the author.
**Note that it says 'Suffolk' - I've got no idea why, but Sherwyn definately controls NORfolk.
The previous earl (as you have probably guessed, Sherwyn is Ruler Designer-ed) was Breton - Radulf de Gael, I believe. He's the same one mentioned in your AAR. His vassals are left behind,and they're Breton, which is a bit of a pain...
Thanks for stopping by
Feast? Sorry, I'm not sure what you are referencing. Although, the fair was rather eventful - each one of those events popped up at least twice
Nicely done, my favourite part of this update.
Good stuff as ever, quite why such an able and excellent ruler such as Sherwyn is experiencing any trouble his peasants and vassals I don't know!
I absolutely love the stutter here. Makes the story that much more fun to read. Fantastic AAR so far.
Cheers! I'm glad that the stutter has been well-received, actually - I didn't know if it would add to the story or just make it really hard to read
Thanks for having a look
7 - In which not much happens...
"After Æthelwine t-told me all about th-those S-Scots with their g-golf, I decided that a b-bit of p-protection was needed:
"When I said 'protection', my lord, I didn't envisage a bunch of short, pointy sticks wrapped around the castle... Maybe something more like, now stop me if this is ludicrous, but, I don't know, a stone wall?"
"Good God, Æthelwine! A s-stone w-wall? Have you any id-d-dea h-how much they cost nowadays?"
"Oh, sorry, I forgot that you weren't stupid when numbers were involved-"
"Well, n-next ti- Hey! D-Did you just ins-s-sult me?"
"Insult is such an ugly word, my lord. I prefer 'back-handed compliment.'"
"I'll b-back-handed compliment you if y-you don't shut up..."
"Oh dear - you've been talking to those Italians haven't you? I knew it was a bad idea to invite a-Roger's a-Rollicking a-Rogues for the week, especially considering the fact the brought their Mafiosi friends along..."
"I'll have you know a-D-Don Luigi is a v-very nice man. A man of honour, in fact. He s-said so him-s-self."
"You really have no clue, do you?"
"Actually, I th-think th-the Italians have h-had a p-positive impact on Ælaf."
"Oh really?"
"Y-Yes, he's b-been doing a good job lately."
"And you think that's down to the Italians?"
"Well, what else would it b-be? I m-mean, it's n-not as if I would insp-p-pire him to g-great things."
"Granted."
"And h-he's not exactly the b-best diplomat-"
"Oi!"
"Oh, um, s-sorry. Actually, Ælaf, I n-need you to d-do a job for me, s-seeing as you've been so effective l-lately."
"Oh?"
"Um, y-yes. C-Could you g-go to the t-town-"
"Thetford, my lord?"
"Yes, the one t-town around h-here..."
"Could you spell that out for me? I feeler I'll get lost in the darkness of winter..."
"J-Jesus Christ! Th-Th-Th... T-Tee-Aitch, Eee, t-t-t... Thetf-... Thet-"
"Nevermind, I've remembered how to get their now."
"..."
"I'm joking, of course. That was actually just an excuse to make you look lik an absolute idiot."
"..."
"So, the town?"
"Yes, Th-... The town. I need you to go and c-calm the p-people down. I've seen a lot of them w-with pitchforks l-lately."
"Um, quite... You do know they're farmers, my lord?"
"A p-pitchfork is a p-pitchfork, Ælaf."
"Yes... It is... I'll be off then."
"..."
"What an odd man..."
"I couldn't agree more."
"What? Oh, h-hello Thurcytel."
"Hello, milord. You really are right about Ælaf, he is very odd. You are so good at judging people, you know, milord."
"Bloody hell Thurcytel, what are you on about?"
"Very wise, milord. Always wanting to know what's going on-"
"What in the b-bloody name of Ecgbert are you on ab-b-bout, Thurcytel?"
"Oh, yes, quite. It's this new book, y-you see: Sycophancy For the Weak-Willed and Eager to Please. I thought it would suit us perfectly-"
"Us?"
"Um, yes, us, milord - you're the Weak-Willed, and I'm Eager to Please."
"Of c-course. Would you excuse me, Th-Thurcytel? I just n-need to pop out into the vestibule..."
"..."
"OH GOD! WHY HAVE YOU SURROUNDED ME WITH THESE IMBECILES?"
"..."
"There, all b-better."
"After Æthelwine t-told me all about th-those S-Scots with their g-golf, I decided that a b-bit of p-protection was needed:
"When I said 'protection', my lord, I didn't envisage a bunch of short, pointy sticks wrapped around the castle... Maybe something more like, now stop me if this is ludicrous, but, I don't know, a stone wall?"
"Good God, Æthelwine! A s-stone w-wall? Have you any id-d-dea h-how much they cost nowadays?"
"Oh, sorry, I forgot that you weren't stupid when numbers were involved-"
"Well, n-next ti- Hey! D-Did you just ins-s-sult me?"
"Insult is such an ugly word, my lord. I prefer 'back-handed compliment.'"
"I'll b-back-handed compliment you if y-you don't shut up..."
"Oh dear - you've been talking to those Italians haven't you? I knew it was a bad idea to invite a-Roger's a-Rollicking a-Rogues for the week, especially considering the fact the brought their Mafiosi friends along..."
"I'll have you know a-D-Don Luigi is a v-very nice man. A man of honour, in fact. He s-said so him-s-self."
"You really have no clue, do you?"
"Actually, I th-think th-the Italians have h-had a p-positive impact on Ælaf."
"Oh really?"
"Y-Yes, he's b-been doing a good job lately."
"And you think that's down to the Italians?"
"Well, what else would it b-be? I m-mean, it's n-not as if I would insp-p-pire him to g-great things."
"Granted."
"And h-he's not exactly the b-best diplomat-"
"Oi!"
"Oh, um, s-sorry. Actually, Ælaf, I n-need you to d-do a job for me, s-seeing as you've been so effective l-lately."
"Oh?"
"Um, y-yes. C-Could you g-go to the t-town-"
"Thetford, my lord?"
"Yes, the one t-town around h-here..."
"Could you spell that out for me? I feeler I'll get lost in the darkness of winter..."
"J-Jesus Christ! Th-Th-Th... T-Tee-Aitch, Eee, t-t-t... Thetf-... Thet-"
"Nevermind, I've remembered how to get their now."
"..."
"I'm joking, of course. That was actually just an excuse to make you look lik an absolute idiot."
"..."
"So, the town?"
"Yes, Th-... The town. I need you to go and c-calm the p-people down. I've seen a lot of them w-with pitchforks l-lately."
"Um, quite... You do know they're farmers, my lord?"
"A p-pitchfork is a p-pitchfork, Ælaf."
"Yes... It is... I'll be off then."
"..."
"What an odd man..."
"I couldn't agree more."
"What? Oh, h-hello Thurcytel."
"Hello, milord. You really are right about Ælaf, he is very odd. You are so good at judging people, you know, milord."
"Bloody hell Thurcytel, what are you on about?"
"Very wise, milord. Always wanting to know what's going on-"
"What in the b-bloody name of Ecgbert are you on ab-b-bout, Thurcytel?"
"Oh, yes, quite. It's this new book, y-you see: Sycophancy For the Weak-Willed and Eager to Please. I thought it would suit us perfectly-"
"Us?"
"Um, yes, us, milord - you're the Weak-Willed, and I'm Eager to Please."
"Of c-course. Would you excuse me, Th-Thurcytel? I just n-need to pop out into the vestibule..."
"..."
"OH GOD! WHY HAVE YOU SURROUNDED ME WITH THESE IMBECILES?"
"..."
"There, all b-better."
--
To be continued...
To be continued...
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