THE LIFE AND DEEDS OF ANTIMACHUS:
EPISODE II: (...) THE ELOHIM WARS (part III)
Tatatataaaat...tatataatatata...taatatatatataaaaa.. . (EPIC MUSIC score here and opening crawl ETERNALLY MISSING - not to be implemented in a future version EVER)
A long time ago...In a Kingdom FAR, FAR, away...
And somewhere deep within that beloved fluffy place miscalled the "Star of the Dead":
"This is starting to get serious now..." an oversized Antiochus mutters. "He's not only Proclaimed himself Most Demokratic Elohimite Basileus of Amman...but he keeps on rambling about this rather unfortunate Eloooooooohim bussiness..."
"And it'sssss all your damned fault!" the Pschent Crowned Divine Ptolemy hissess, while he becomes a bit bluer than usual.
"And behold...yet another Holy Elohimite war for Demokracy..." Philippa mutters ignoring Ptolemy completely. "I'll grant him the fact that's perfect timing right there... those poor bastards in Baghdad are collapsing already..."
"Wait! Messsa! Meessaa! Baghdad? Meessa! Baghdad!!!" Antiochus chockes, suddenly having problems speaking. "But that's.... a Holy War for Seleukeia on the Tigris... OUR Sacred Capital!"
"And your point isssssssss?" Ptolemy asks while adjusting his Pschent Crown.(for some reason or other his two sekhem-scepters are missing)
"But he is only.....a short victorious campaign away from reforging Arche Seleukeia!!!" Antiochus blurts rather stupefied - it has to be said.
"And look at that army!" Philippa mutters enviously. "I wish I had this "Grand Army of the Demokratic Basileia of Syria and the people-of-the-Elohimite-Faith-in-arms" to command... I would have marched with it all the way to Bactria!"
"I dare say " Ptolemy interjects "given that's before hiring any mercenaries... this war is pretty much won already."
"My Divine Blood boils!" Antiochus proclaims. "Did you see the Commander of that Army? Did you?"
"Some Azzzzizzzz, fellow." Ptolemy answers feigning ignorance.
"Precisssssely... An Azzzizzzz leading the Ever Victorioussssss Armiesssss of Hellenisssssm in an Elohimite Demokratic Jihad... soon to conquer Ssssseleukeia on the Tigrisssss... do you sssssee nothing wrong with all of thissssss?" Antiochus mutters now visibly agrieved, but in spite of it all still managing to do a passing impersonation of Ptolemy.
The Divine Ptolemy says nothing for he is more intent on watching the Grand Army of the Demokratic Basileia of Syria and the people-of-the-Elohimite-Faith-in-arms, led by Aziz the Nabatean, this most Unhellenic Commander of the said Most Holy Elohimite Army meet the enemy on the field of battle:
then proceed to trounce it utterly (in the name of this Elohim bussiness).
"And itssss all your fault" Ptolemy says looking slightly smug in the processssss.
"Oh yessssss? " Antiochus suddenly cackles. "Take this Ptolemy!"
"I see Cleopatra XXX is coming home to daddy! She might have very well chocked on a natural kontos!" Antiochus proclaims maniacally, although it has to be said he does not look quite that happy.
"Noooooooooooooooooooooo! My bloodline!" Ptolemy suddenly vanishes. No wings of falcons are heard... at all - which is rather distressing.
"Now, that was slightly mean." Philippa tells her father.
"I know, but he was getting on my nervessssss and he wasn't helping." Antiochus mutters.
"Now, I'm all for Holy Wars, and we did engineer this whole bussiness... but there's one little glitch in the system." he says in a sad voice and looking rather diminshed.
"
The fact that we can't quite get to him?" Antialcidas asks suddenly making his appearence - and not breathing heavily.
"Precisely." Antiochus mutters. "There is a strong Force with that one...stronger than all of us combined...and that... that does not bode well..."
"I feel like we are being played..." the now forlorn looking Antiochus says. "Just look! Look at this!"
"What? What's wrong with him making himself Demokratic Basileus of Palmyra?" Antialcidas wonders aloud.
He shouldn't have, because Antiochus viciously kicks him in his exposed ethereal groin, before proceeding to answer:
"Fool! Look at that!" he points at the map -although Antialcidas can't look because he is in agony. "That Elohimite Holy War bussiness ended and he took Karbala and Deir BUT NOT Baghdad! Those Muslim Allies of his took it!"
"Most strange." Philippa agrees. "Some greater Force must surely be at play here... We ARE being played!" she concludes looking slightly horrified.
"Mosssssst asssuredly!" Ptolemy cackless as he reappears, in his Pschent crowned falcon guise and proceeds to dump what any compiler of mythology would surely consider to be a titanic amount of Deus-Excrement on Antiochus's oversized head.
While a completely surprised Antiochus is chocking on this most foul and dastardly of unprovoked attacks, Ptolemy cacklesssss:
"I had forgotten ssssssssssomething, but now it all makessssss perfect senssssse."
"What does?" Philippa asks not quite sure what to make of this whole surreal episode.
"You will ssssssssssseeee!" Ptolemy proclaims.
"You WILL ssssssseee!"