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[taoye185]

Stalin was driving on the high way when he saw two exits ahead - One marked "Socialism", the other marked "Capitalism". He drove down the exit marked as "Socialism" without hesitation.
Then in a few minutes, G.W.Bush came over. He drove down the exit marked as "Capitalism" without hesitation.
Then in a few minutes, Deng Xiaoping came over. He stopped the car momentarily, got out of the car and switched the signs of the two exits. He then drove down the exit now marked as "Socialism".
Then in a few minutes, Obama came over. He drove down the exit marked as "Capitalism" without hesitation.

[taoye185]

The US army and PLA were preparing themselves for possible conflicts before the Korean war.

Chinese soldiers: Troops armed with US armories? Not a big deal, we just defeated one such in 1949!
US soldiers: Chinese troops? We know how imcompetent they are through all these years of being an ally!

After the PLA and US troops met on the battle ground:

Chinese & US soldiers: @#%$@! What a misleading comparison...

[Aquila SPQR]

Soviet officer asks recruit:
- Who is your father?
- Joseph Stalin! - replies recruit.
- What? How? - asks officer.
- Because Joseph Stalin is a father of us all!
- Well, thats true. But who is your mother?
- Soviet Union!
- What?
- Because Soviet Union is a mother of all nations.
Officer was glad that he has such good recruit, so he asked one final question:
- And who would you like to be?
- An oprhan...




Polish delegation was sent to Moscow. Khrushchev asks member of this delegation:
- I've heard that there's this anti-russian poet in your country, Mickiewicz... (he was a romantic poet, died in first half of XIXth century).
- But comrade Khrushchev... he's already dead. - Polish delegate replied.
- You see? That's why I like you! - said happy Khrushchev.

Man entered local police station and said:
- Someone stole my watch. He was a foreigner.
- Foreigner you say? - policeman asked - maybe an American?
- No, not an American. - replied man.
- Maybe British then?
- No, I don't think he was British.
- So who then?
- Well... I think he might've been from Finland.
- What are you saying? - asked policeman - there are no Finns in Poland! Maybe he was a Russian?
- Yes, but you said it, officer.


A dirty and poor man entered a shop:
- I'd like to buy 10 portraits of Stalin and Lenin.
He bought them and left. Few days later he entered it again, but was shaved and clean.
- I'd like to buy 20 portraits of Lenin and Stalin.
He bought them and left. Few days later he came again, this time wearing nice clothes.
- I'd like to buy 50 portraits of Lenin and Stalin.
He bought them and left. Few days lated he parked his car on the parking and entered shop:
- I'd like to buy 100 portraits of Lenin and Stalin.
Shopkeeper sold them but had to ask:
- What's the story with all those portraits? How you were able to buy car so quickly? You were just a poor man few weeks ago? What happened?
- I opened a shooting range outside town.

Two men are sitting in a pub, drinking vodka. One of them said:
- I'd prefer to work in Moscow for free 24/7 than in New York for hundreds dollars.
Russian officer sitting at next table cheered and shouted:
- That's good! We need such faithful allies! And what do you do?
- I'm a gravedigger.


Wife of a high ranking communist party official went with kids to ZOO. Near monkey's cage her son started to shout:
- Holy mother of God! Look! Monkeys are f*cking!
When they returned home wife said to her husband:
- You know what? You have to talk to our older son. Together in ZOO he started shouting "Holy mother of God, monkeys are f*cking".
Father called his son and said:
- Your mother told me everything. You know who I am. I am a high ranking party official and I have to care about my position - and you are shouting in public places "holy mother of God"!?


Polish officer is asking his soldiers:
- There are two soldiers ahead of you - Russian and American. Who would you kill?
- Russian!
Outraged officer sentenced his solder for week in prison. After that he asked him again:
- Soldier, you had some time to rethink your answer. So - who would you kill?
- And who would you kill, sir? - asked soldier.
- American, of course!
- You see, sir? So still there's Russian left for me.


A teacher asks young students:
- Who is your idol?
Little Joe stands up and says:
- Wladimir Lenin!
- Perfect answer! Sit down, you have 5 (highest grade).
Joe sat down and whispered:
- Sorry, Winnetou, but business is business.


Chinese leader send a message to Stalin:
- We desperately need 1 000 000 000 dollars, 100 000 000 tons of coal and 50 000 000 tons of rice.
Stalin read it and thought:
- Well... dollars... it can be done, coal... easily done, but where Poland will find 50 000 000 tons of rice?


What are basics of Polish-Russian trade?
It's simple. We're giving them steel and they are taking coal from us.


Early '50s, Poland. A man is looking everyday at various newspapers laying on the table but do not buy anything.
- What are you looking for then? - Asks shopkeeper.
- An obituary.
- But obituaries are on next pages, you should read all of them.
- No. The one I'm looking for will be on the first page.


How in one sentence describe Polish economy under communism?
"We'd make more canned meat if we had more meat, but we don't have steel."


Communist party announced a contest - because Lenin spent some time in Polish village of Poronin in Tatra mountains - to paint best painting titled "Lenin in Poronin". After some time painters presented their work. Most of them were showing Lenin sitting and admiring mountain view or hiking, but there was one painting totally different. It showed a naked wh*re laying on bed and an obscure naked man sitting next to her. Surprised jury asked:
- What is it? Who is that woman?
- It's Nadezhda Krupskaya.
- And this man?
- Felix Dzerzhinsky.
- But... where's Lenin!?
- In Poronin...

Reporters are asking native inhabitants of Kamchatka:
- Russians good?
- Good, good. Give oil, give tobacco, give potatoes.
- And Americans?
- Bad! Very bad!
Happy reporters asked:
- Why bad?
- Because they bought Alaska, but did not buy Kamchatka!

Two soldiers - Russian and American are talking. Russian asks:
- What about food? Do they feed you well?
- Of course, I can go to cantina and eat what I want, up to 6000 calories.
Later that day Russian HQ stated:
- It is an obvious capitalist propaganda that American soldiers can eat up to 6000 calories each day. All of us know that it is impossible to eat in one day 20 kilograms of potatoes and 16 kilograms of sauerkraut.


Teachers in school organized a fund raising for poor and starving citizens of some african country, so little Joe asked his dad to give him 10 dollars, because all kids had to bring 10 dollars. Next day all kids except Joe had 10 dollars with them.
- Joe, why your dad did not give you money?
- Because he said that he's not sure what will happen with all this money.
Next week there was new fund raising - this time for communist party in the same african country. This time Joe gave 20 dollars.
- Joe, last time you had no money, this time you gave us twice we asked for. Why?
- Because my dad said that if there's communist party in this country, then there are certainly poor and starving people there.


Granny wants to join communist party. Officials asked her:
- What you were doing during war?
- I've been helping armed soldiers.
- Good, good, and what you were doing exactly?
- I was giving them food, and milk. They were very happy, always saying "danke, danke".
- So they were Germans!
- Yes, but from DDR.


Can we try to impose comminism in Switzerland?
No, it's much too small country to endure such disaster.

[Meglok]

Karl Marx was resurrected and came to the USSR. He was shown factories, hospitals, cities and villages, etc. Finally, he requested to be allowed to make a speech on TV. The Politburo hesitated as they were afraid he might say something they wouldn't approve. Marx promised he would say only one sentence. Under this condition, the Politburo agreed. Karl Marx uttered the following sentence: "Workers of all countries, forgive me."

A judge walks out of the courtroom, laughing loudly. A colleague asks, "What is it you laugh about?"
"Ah, I just heard an excellent anecdote," the judge says, sweeping tears of laughter.
"An anecdote? Tell me!"
"Are you crazy? I just sentenced a man to ten years for that anecdote."

Seven paradoxes of the socialist state:
Nobody works, but the plan is always fulfilled. The plan is fulfilled, but the shelves in the stores are empty. The shelves are empty, but nobody starves; nobody starves, but everybody is unhappy; everybody is unhappy, but nobody complains; nobody complains, but the jails are full.

There was an international competition for the best book about elephants.

France submitted a lavishly illustrated volume titled "Love triangles in the elephants' families."
England presented a treatise "Elephants and the World Trade."
Germany submitted 24 volume set under the title "Introduction into elephantology."
The USA furnished one million copies of a leaflet announcing a sweepstakes, "Win an Elephant. No purchase necessary."
The USSR sent three volumes, with the following titles,
Vol. 1. Role of elephants in the Great October Socialist Revolution.
Vol. 2. The happy life of elephants under the sun of the most progressive in the world Soviet Constitution.
Vol. 3. Russia - the Motherland of elephants.

What occupies the last 6 pages of the Lada User's Manual?
The bus and train timetables

[kunadam]

What occupies the last 6 pages of the Lada User's Manual?
The bus and train timetables

In my experience, Ladas were quite reliable.

[sjord1]

Soviet officer asks recruit:
Chinese leader send a message to Stalin:
- We desperately need 1 000 000 000 dollars, 100 000 000 tons of coal and 50 000 000 tons of rice.
Stalin read it and thought:
- Well... dollars... it can be done, coal... easily done, but where Poland will find 50 000 000 tons of rice?

guess they have to call the USA to make a piece of official paper saying: 50 000 000 tons of rice.
problem solved

[BoleslavLev]

A nephew from DDR visits his uncle who lives in France. Nephew asks the uncle:
"Tell me, can you travel wherewer you want to?" "Of course," answeres his uncle.
"But you have to have approval, don´t you?" "Nonsense, I can travel without anny permition."
"But you have to go to work to the specific factory." "No, I can quit my job and move somewhere else."
"And what if you want to buy a car, you have to fill the note and then wait for some time, don´t you? "No, I can just go to the shop and by any car there."
Nephew can´t resist any longer and says: "So tell me, how can you live in such chaos."

[VampiRos]

In my experience, Ladas were quite reliable.

On this i know a little joke:

+2°C
Italian cars dont start

-15°C
American Cars dont start

-22°C
French Cars dont start

-24°C
German Cars dont start

-30°C
No proper Car starts... only the Russians curse, kick the wheel of their Lada and the Car starts

[dskod1]

A frightened man came to the KGB "My talking parrot disappeared."
KGB: "This is not our case. Go to the criminal police."
Frightened man: "Excuse me. Of course I know that I have to go to them. I am here just to tell you officially that I disagree with that parrot."



The newly arrived Russian immigrant tried his best to answer the questions posed by the journalist:
Q. "How was life for you in Russia?"
A. "Couldn't complain".
Q. "Did you like your job there?"
A. "Couldn't complain".
Q. "And how was the schooling for your children?"
A. "Couldn't complain".
Q. "So, you were happy in Russia?"
A. "Couldn't complain".
Q. "Well, then," the journalist continued, "if you couldn't complain why have you come to Israel/USA?"
A. "Because here I can complain!"



We pretend to work and they pretend to pay us!



Husband: "My wife has been going to cooking school for three years."
Friend: "She must really cook well by now!"
husband: "No, they've only reached the part about the Twentieth CPSU Congress so far."


A Soviet man is waiting in line to purchase vodka from a liquor store, however due to restrictions imposed by Gorbachev, the line is excessively long, the man loses his nerve and screams "I can't take this waiting in line anymore, I HATE Gorbachev, I am going to the Kremlin right now and I am going to kill him!" After 40 minutes the man returns, and begins elbowing his way back to his place in the vodka queue as the crowd looks on. They begin to ask if he succeeded in killing Gorbachev, to which the man replies: "No, I got to the Kremlin, but the line to kill Gorbachev was far too long, so I decided to come back and wait for my vodka".



An artist is commissioned to create a painting celebrating Soviet-Polish friendship, to be called "Lenin in Poland." When the painting is unveiled at the Kremlin, there is a gasp from the invited guests; the painting depicts Nadezhda Krupskaya (Lenin's wife) naked in bed with Leon Trotsky. One guest asks, "But this is a travesty! Where is Lenin?" To which the painter replies, "Lenin's in Poland."



Stalin reads his report to the Party Congress. Suddenly someone sneezes. "Who sneezed?" Silence. "First row! On your feet! Shoot them!" They are shot, and he asks again, "Who sneezed, Comrades?" No answer. "Second row! On your feet! Shoot them!" They are shot too. "Well, who sneezed?" At last a sobbing cry resounds in the Congress Hall, "It was me! Me!" Stalin says, "Bless you, Comrade!"



An American man and a Soviet man died on the same day and went to Hell together. The Devil told them: "You may choose to enter two different types of Hells: the first is the American-style, where you may do anything you like, but at the condition of eating a bucketful of manure everyday; the second is the Soviet-style, where you may ALSO do anything you like, but at the condition of eating TWO bucketfuls of manure a day." The American man chose the American-style Hell, and the Soviet man chose the Soviet-style one. A few months later, they met again. The Soviet man asked the American man: "Hi, how are you going?" The American man said:＂I'm fine, but I can't stand the bucketful of manure everyday. How about you?" Answered the Soviet man: "Well, I'm fine, too; except I don't know whether we had a shortage of manure or if somebody stole all the buckets away."

[BoleslavLev]

Early 50s in Czechoslovakia. The chairman of the communist party in some small village hosts a meeting of the local people. He is talking about bright future, work for everybody, stuff for everybody etc. Then, an old man raises his hand and wants to ask him for something.
Old man: "Mr. chairman, when that communism arrives, would there be also breather pipes for tile stove?"
Chairman: "Of course there will. Let me just finnish my speech."
Then the situation repeates in a slightly different way.
Old man: "Mr. chairman, that pipes - would they be both 5 inches wide and 6 inches wide?"
Chairman: "Of course. Those are ridiculous questions you ask. There will be communism, see? Everything would be ok. Now, let my finnish my speech."
Old man asks for the third time.
Old man: "And, I am sorry, but, ehm, mr. chairman, would there, I mean when that communism arrives, also knee pipes?"
Chairman: "Oh my... Yes, yes! There will. Don´t you understand it, oldster? There will be communism. There will be all sizes of pipes, all types of pipes, there will be pipes made from silver and gold, everything, EVERYTHING will be all right."
Old man smiles and says: "Well, that sounds good, that would be almost as good as in the times of the Austrian empire."

[Buladelu]

It's supposed to be a shot at the wasteful spending habits of Americans, but I always thought it was more of a shot at the Soviet economy. If NASA really were able to spend that much on developing, of all things, a pen, it's only because the United States had that kind of money to spend in the first place.

It's more of a usual Russian joke trope. We have many jokes like "French, American and British enter the bar..." (I think it's the popular start for a joke in USA, right?) but it's mostly about some competition, guys in falling airplane or guys on a hostile island (you'd be surprised how often the last one is used). In those type of jokes British is usually polite and diplomatic, French is a passionate womanizer, German is lawful, honest and pedantic, Jew is greedy, crafty and smart. American is trigger-happy rich guy with advanced technology. Russian is obviously complex: he's poor so he has to come up with something to compensate, he's strong, hardy, persistent. He's not very bright, he's pessimistic and fatalistic. It goes all the way to old Russian fairy tales where you either have classic European hero (brave prince or knight) or sympathetic poor and dumb guy. The classic character is Ivan the Fool who is usually third son (so he's poor) but is kind, persistent and crafty - not the smart type of crafty but more like a lucky dumb guy from modern comedies who can somehow outsmart others with his dumbness.

So pencil joke is more of "Russians are poor and not very smart but somehow they achieve great things".

Here are some jokes that explain it. Probably've been there but anyway.

American, French and Russian end up captured by cannibals tribe. Tribe chief says:
- We'll eat you but you may have your last wish.
French says:
- I want a night with every woman of your tribe.
His wish is granted and he's eaten at the morning.
Russian says:
- I want the strongest guy of your tribe kick me in the ass.
Tribe is puzzled but Russian insists on being kicked. Biggest cannibal kicks Russian with all his strength. Russian flies in the air, stands up, get AK-47 from his backpack and shoots every last cannibal. American is shocked:
- Why haven't you killed them before?! The French would survived than!
Russian (pathetic): We, Russians, are peaceful nation. We never strike first.


German, American and Russian argue who has better medicine.
- We have a guy who lost his leg in an accident, so he sewed her. Now he is a champion of athletics.
- We have a guy who lost his manhood, doctors sewed it in place. Now this guy is our sex symbol.
- We have a boy who stepped on a mine. After explosion only the boy's ass remained. Now this ass is our leader in Kremlin.


Cannibals capture American, Japanese and Russian. Their chief says:
- We will eat you and make boats from you skin and bones. You can chose the death you want.
American asks for gun and shoots himself.
Japanese asks for sword and does harakiri.
Russian asks for fork, starts stabbing himself with it and shouts: "Let's see how good will your boat swim, suckers!"


One Frenchman - a womanizer, two - a duel, three - a revolution.
One German - a pedant, two - a factory, three - a war.
One Jew - a shopkeeper, two - international chess tournament, three - Russian National Bank.
One Russian - a drunkard, two - a fight, three - the administration.
One Hungarian - just a Hungarian, two - a political party, three - does not happen, one of them is either a Jew or a German.


The scientists researched the degree of secrecy in the global industry. In France, one factory does not know what they do on the other. In England, one laboratory does not know what their colleagues are doing in the next lab. In America, the employee does not know what happens at the next table. In Russia, the employee does not even know what he's doing himself.

[Dadarian]

Stalin reads his report to the Party Congress. Suddenly someone sneezes. "Who sneezed?" Silence. "First row! On your feet! Shoot them!" They are shot, and he asks again, "Who sneezed, Comrades?" No answer. "Second row! On your feet! Shoot them!" They are shot too. "Well, who sneezed?" At last a sobbing cry resounds in the Congress Hall, "It was me! Me!" Stalin says, "Bless you, Comrade!"

This is a good one

[T.R.]

It's more of a usual Russian joke trope. We have many jokes like "French, American and British enter the bar..." (I think it's the popular start for a joke in USA, right?) but it's mostly about some competition, guys in falling airplane or guys on a hostile island (you'd be surprised how often the last one is used). In those type of jokes British is usually polite and diplomatic, French is a passionate womanizer, German is lawful, honest and pedantic, Jew is greedy, crafty and smart. American is trigger-happy rich guy with advanced technology. Russian is obviously complex: he's poor so he has to come up with something to compensate, he's strong, hardy, persistent. He's not very bright, he's pessimistic and fatalistic. It goes all the way to old Russian fairy tales where you either have classic European hero (brave prince or knight) or sympathetic poor and dumb guy. The classic character is Ivan the Fool who is usually third son (so he's poor) but is kind, persistent and crafty - not the smart type of crafty but more like a lucky dumb guy from modern comedies who can somehow outsmart others with his dumbness.

Very interesting, thank you for this. It's nice to be able to put it in context.

Here are some jokes that I don't think have been posted yet.


A Russian trade delegation was visiting the United States to gather information about American working conditions. At a factory in Newark, they were given a tour of an assembly line. After watching the American workers toil away, one of the Soviets asked, "How many hours per week must your people work?"
"Up to forty," the manager replied.
The Russian shook his head. "In my country, we sometimes must work eighty hours per week for the same pay."
"You'd never get these bums to work that hard," the American said. "They're a bunch of commies."


During the Spanish Civil War, the Russians were recruiting volunteers to fight alongside the loyalists against Franco. A group of fifty men had just arrived in Madrid direct from the Soviet Union. Their leader handed a note to the commanding general:
"Dear Comrade: The bearer of this note will have the honor to turn over to you fifty volunteers for service in the glorious cause. Please return the ropes."


A CPUSA member was writing his superiors in the Kremlin. "It's becoming increasingly difficult to reach the proletariat in America," he said. "In the spring, they're always fiddling with their cars. In the summer, they take vacations. In the fall, they go to baseball games. In the winter, you cannot drag them away from their television sets. Please give suggestions on how to let them know how oppressed they are."


A Soviet biologist was giving a lecture at Moscow State University. "I have here a flea," he told his students. "I order him to jump from my right hand to my left hand, and he obeys, as you see. Now I repeat the experiment, ordering him to jump back to my right hand, and he obeys again. Now I remove the legs of the flea and order him to jump. You see that he doesn't jump. Therefore, gentlemen, we have conclusive scientific proof that a flea whose legs are removed becomes instantly deaf."

[EasternBloc]

Three Europeans decide to move to Berlin.

The first one is a German capitalist and goes to West Berlin.

The second is a German communist and goes to East Berlin.

The third goes to West Berlin, but climbs up the Berlin Wall and sits on it between East and West Berlin.

The German in West Berlin looks up to him and asks, "Why do you not want to stay in either East or West Berlin?"

The man looks down and replies, "I am Swiss."

[Gorkan]

Eastern Block: its allusion on swiss neutrality ?

[Warbie]

a polish a czech and their dogs meet on the border, each one was passing to the other side,

polish dog asked to the czech dog; I am going to your country because i spent the last week hungry, eating patatoes, why do you want to go there?

the czech dog responds; I want to be able to bark out loud

[Warbie]

Boris Yeltsin dies of alcohol poisoning and the cabinet leaders are trying to convince the people that he is assassinated. On the newspaper the next day, the suspects are

-Jack Daniels
-JB
-Johnnie Walker

[Warbie]

This one is about Bulent Ecevit (Prime minister of turkey during 70s and most of the late cold war, and again in 1999)

Bush, Putin and Ecevit die, and they alltogether go to heaven.
Before the gates of heaven, there is an angel, who wants a question from them before letting them in.
Bush asks : "When USA will rule the world?"
The angel replies: "In 50 years." Bush starts cry; "i won't be able to see it!!"
Putin asks the angel; "When the communism will be revived in Russia?"
The angel replies: "in 55 years" Putin also starts to cry saying the same things as Bush: "i won't be able to see it!!"
At last, Ecevit asks; "when the economic crisis in turkey will end?"
This time, the angel starts to cry "i won't be able to see it!!"

[Warbie]

In a joint space program, Nasa plans to send an american, an englishman and a russian on a space station for three years. They are only allowed to bring 200 kg with them to space. American decides to bring his wife. The englishman decides that he can learn german in the meantime and takes lots of books about german language and litterature, and the russian decides to bring 200 kg of cigarettes. After 3 years, they come back to earth, the american now has a child, the englishmans is a fluent speaker and the russian is still looking for a lighter.

[BoleslavLev]

Two man are walking during the late 40s spring in the USSR. "Thank God the winter is over," says one of them.
A policeman hears it, go to them and says: "Don´t you know here in the USSR we say Thank to comrade Stalin?"
"I am terribly sorry for that, next time I would say it correctly. Bu let me just ask you one thing. Even the great comrade Stalin is a mortal man, what should we say when he would die?"
"Than you can say Thank God."