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Thread: Murphy's Law of CKII

  1. #1

    Murphy's Law of CKII

    1) The probability of your heir being a useless wastrel, is inversely propotionate to the greatness of your current ruler.

    2) When you are down to the member of your ruling dynasty, he will miraculously survive plauges, assasination attempts, sieges, assaults and old age, but will die on the next stag hunt.

    3) Your best heir will often die, in favour of the bumbling fool you've been trying to marry off. Especially to syphillis.

    4) Your vassals find it most amusing frustrate you. Often when you revoke their titles at 95% success rate.

    5) Your liege will conveniently strip your demense of troops just when 5000+ enemy soldiers are headed towards your county/duchy in the next month.

    6) Wars of succesion tend to drag on for 30 years, when you just happen to be occupied, and there's no ne to relieve you.

    7) You will find that your character has claims to half the Royal crowns in Europe, but lacks the claim to the neighbouring county you've been eyeing since 1066.

    8) Your best character, dies exactly at the same timing when your dynasty needs him most.

    9) The pathetic county you've been ignoring for most of the war, will siege your duchy with 50 troops when you have just lost an immense battle.

    10) Despite your most ardent resentment. Your fellow Dukes and Counts will always vote for higher authority for the king. Even if the king is an idiot.

    11) Your liege will always betray you, when you're one heir tier away from the best ruler your duchy/county has ever produced.

    12) Your allies are always have pressing engagements elsewhere when you're fighting for your life, but always there for you when you're fighting a 50 men county...

    13) As a King, whenever you're off to war in some distant place, your ally will find it most apt to betray you.

    Here's some I've come up with so far...Feel free to add!

  2. #2
    14) With free investiture: Making one of the sons a successor for a 70 year old bishop will grant the said bishop a boon of health and longevity. The bishop will try his best to outlive you.

  3. #3
    Good one Merdaci.

    15) Kings are a frisky lot, especially with their son's wives, especially if the wife is of a great house. (No kidding, in 3 games I had at least 1 Count who COULDN'T resist the charms of his own son's wife, once an English princess, another time a Swedish princess, an then the freaking daughter of the Byzantine Empire. I was so bloody worried that some message would pop up saying that she has to be punished for adultery or something and have their angry fathers/brothers/uncles avenging their daughters' honour...Luckily I was never caught...Hehe...)

  4. #4
    16) When you finally get one of your house onto a neighbouring throne, they invariably make terrible marriage decisions and end up putting another house on the throne instead. (happened to me twice, with the queen of Brittany and Aragon (regular marriage to King of Castile) and king of Sweden (matrilinial marriage to some random countess))

  5. #5
    17) When you find an opportune moment to jump in with a Holy War, taking advantage of your neighbors wars and depleted garrisons, your neighbors *will* end their wars, leaving you hanging, and your Liege will declare a Holy War for the same territory *after* the big bad ally comes in with a doomstack to take away everything you sieged, peacing out with most of the territory as you are stuck losing prestige desperately trying for a white peace over one scrawny province you can never retake.

  6. #6
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mercadi View Post
    14) With free investiture: Making one of the sons a successor for a 70 year old bishop will grant the said bishop a boon of health and longevity. The bishop will try his best to outlive you.
    Easy solution: Make the son successor to ALL your bishoprics. Better safe than sorry!

  7. #7
    18) On the odd occasion when your heir isn't a blithering incompetent, he'll die before you leaving his own son who IS a blithering incompetent.

  8. #8
    Corporal Marcbeller's Avatar
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    19) Your 85% chance success, 12% discovery assassination that will inherit you a good chunk of land will always fail and be exposed. And you still pay the bumbling assassin his 350 gold even though he failed, was tortured, and executed.
    20) Even with De Jure claims on the remains of your almost complete empire that single ruler left with 5 counties will take over 60 years to acquire because you can't press all the claims at once, and truces last 10 years.
    21) Your available plots are almost always random and non-beneficial due to your demesne size restrictions. And your wife is always on the top of the list.
    22) Crusades will end within a few years of starting win or lose, yet Jihads will go on for decades. (I have actually had a crusade start and end within a week. No the pope did not die and the target hadn't changed ownership)
    "There is no problem that can withstand the assault of sustained thinking" - Voltaire

  9. #9
    23) You marry your heir off to a powerful duchess, who dies before giving him any children. He then marries a random courtier.
    (Example: Tyrconnell --> Ireland game, married my heir to the Duchess of Brabant.)

  10. #10
    24) If you are ever foolish enough to choose Elective succession, the lords will deliberately pick the only available candidate who isn't a member of your house.

    25)Seniority doesn't choose in order of age, but in reverse order of competence. Remember that inbred you married off to a courtier four generations ago? You'll soon be playing as his grandson.

    26) If you choose Primogeniture, all your vassals will too and then they'll combine all their lands until they're bigger than you.

    27) If you choose Gavelkind, have fun with that succession crisis.

  11. #11
    Quote Originally Posted by enf91 View Post
    23) You marry your heir off to a powerful duchess, who dies before giving him any children. He then marries a random courtier.
    Or, for extra points, he does have children with her. But they're all daughters, and she marries them all off in regular marriages.

  12. #12
    Colonel Valentinan's Avatar
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    28) Attempting to break siege of your capitol, your well-led force flush with mercs will lose to a smaller army.
    Last edited by Valentinan; 19-07-2012 at 16:44.
    "You cannot have good laws without good arms." (Niccolo Machiavelli)

  13. #13
    28) You think you have found the perfect patsy to hold a few of those extra counties over your demense limit because he's a very loyal, content, 75 year old celibate man with no living relatives, no heirs, and a 39 year old gay wife, but they will produce a child who will grow up to be a power-hungry ambitious countess who makes your life heck. (true story)

  14. #14
    29) The HREmperor decides to press his obscure third-generation claim on you while asking your ally to go to war against you
    Death is lighter than a feather, duty heavier than a mountain.

    “How do you fight someone smarter than yourself?" Rand whispered. "The answer is simple. You make her think that you are sitting down across the table from her, ready to play her game. Then you punch her in the face as hard as you can.”


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  15. #15
    Crusader for True Inflation Emre Yigit's Avatar
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    30) When you've laboriously become a heretic so that you can start holy wars against your "co"-religionists, and survived the first dangerous three decades, your opponents will switch religion in the middle of your successful conquest, thereby leading to automatic, inconclusive peace.
    To every man upon this earth / Death cometh soon or late. / And how can man die better / Than facing fearful odds, / For the ashes of his fathers / And the temples of his gods...?

  16. #16
    Quote Originally Posted by enf91 View Post
    23) You marry your heir off to a powerful duchess, who dies before giving him any children. He then marries a random courtier.
    (Example: Tyrconnell --> Ireland game, married my heir to the Duchess of Brabant.)
    Think that's bad? I had a prince of Wales patrilineally marry the Byzantine Empress. He was dead within a year, no kids.

  17. #17
    Captain JMensch's Avatar
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    31) If you win the first Crusade for the Holy Land, both Shia and Sunni will declare Jihad against you at the sametime. If you successfully CoA the HRE into your defense, he will decide to take the land route.

  18. #18
    32) Successfully crush your opponents army in their county, only to have that county have a peasant revolt which then crushes YOUR army.

  19. #19
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    33) You ready your 10k mercenaries and let that one pesky duke in a remote province revolt to get an excuse to revoke his title, and lo, all you have in a week is your capital as everyone joined in an alliance clusterf**k to save the poor duke.
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  20. #20
    34) Peasants will always revolt at exactly the wrong time. (I actually had one pop up as my army was walking through the province)

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