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Venezuela: In which Chaos flees most unceremoniously
So, robot, let's get this show on the road!
Rob, unlike a human, had no problem with scanning for and addressing Chaos, despite Chaos's presence inside his own body. If anybody's head exploded from the prequel, I assure you, your head will not explode this time. Keep telling yourself, it's a robot this time." To which show do you refer?"
The show... of... this AAR! Yeah!
"Very well. I am projecting a map of this human grouping for your perusal."
Venezuela? NOOOO!!! I thought those damned things were gone forever!
"Scanning memory banks... file not found. Venezuela has existed since 1821."
The noise... the noise!
"Altering logical algorithm. You refer to vuvuzela, not Venezuela."
Chaos audibly sighed in relief. Whew!
"Do you wish to examine the economy?"
Economy?! Hell no! What do I look like, some nerdy human who got possessed for 421 years?
"I do not know. All meatbags look the same to me."
Chaos laughed uproariously at that. Good one!
"I did not tell a joke. I merely spoke fact."
Well, it's funny anyway.
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Chaos and Rob argued, briefly, about which technology to research. Chaos wanted to research Atomic Bombs; when he was told this was not a possibility, he threw a temper tantrum that killed no fewer than six dozen humans. With the scent of blood in his robotic nostrils, Rob entered "indiscriminate killing mode", eliminating four entire villages before he remembered that he wasn't supposed to engage "indiscriminate killing mode," that it was a supposed flaw in his programming, and that, most importantly, that it would dull his finish.
You are way more fun than the last jerk.
"Thank you, although I must control myself in the future. Paint is expensive, especially in the nineteenth century."
I guess. Anyhow, since we can't research Atomic Bombs or even a simple Cruise Missile, what do you recommend?
"Analyzing Venezuela... Freedom of Trade recommended."
You promised me no boring numbers!
"More production = more money = more soldiers = more killing of humans without disturbing my carefully designed chassis."
Chaos whistled in appreciation. You speak my language, ro-butt! Then Chaos got on one of his laughing jaunts that lasted for two hours. When the laughing was finished, Chaos found that Rob had assigned the National Focus to the largest Venezuelan state for Clergymen. He'd also discovered that Venezuela had a free CB on the United Kingdom.
What are we waiting for?! Let's get those limey bastards!
"Analysis suggests chance of victory at less than 1%."
1% eh? I like those odds! What do we need for victory?
"Several small meteors that strike only the United Kingdom and its possessions without causing a new Ice Age."
Can you help with that?
"It is not permitted by the rules of our contest."
Spoilsport. Fine. Uh... let's build boats! Boats are fun, right?
"Building this many ships will almost certainly lead to bankruptcy."
Your face is going to be bankrupt if you don't do what I say!
"Logical contradiction... faces cannot be bankrupt... paradox inhibitor engaged... shutting down..."
Well, that's just great. Oh well. I'll use mind control to force my shiny boats into construction.
"Wood... doesn't.... shine..."
I thought you were shutting down?!?
A few moments later, Rob exploded.
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By August 6, 1836, nothing interesting had happened, mostly because Chaos couldn't move. He was currently possessing a single screw that had flown from the exploding body of Rob. A few moments later, a new version of Rob materialized. Chaos quickly jumped in.
"I am Robo-Explorer 1001 beta. I have been equipped with stronger paradox inhibitors."
Weakling. A little paradox is good for the soul! Plus, we don't really want to INHIBIT PARADOX, do we?
"Fourth wall destroyed... shutting down..."
Wait! Before you explode again, let's justify a war with Ecuador!
"Justification... initiated... self-destruct engaged."
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It took almost another year before Robo-Explorer 1002 beta materialized. "Greetings, Chaos. My snark shields have been raised by 50%, and I am now aware of the format in which our adventures are being captured. I have adjusted."
About time. Let's kill some humans!
"Command initiated... warning! Decision to fund Brazilian war against Paraguay extremely unwise."
Not again... look, you metal jerk, you do what I say, and you'll like it! If I want your stupid opinion, I'll ask for it.
"Reduced income may prevent us from adding flame decals to your ships."
Chaos grumbled. Fine. Cancel it as soon as we can.
"Internal clock reads August 8, 1837. Strike on Ecuador authorized."
Now you're talking! Although, you mean calendar, not clock. Clocks only tell time.
"What?! Error... error... unable to correct database.... shutting down...."
Chaos's swear was so vile, so horrible, that it destroyed an entire planetary system.
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This time, the new Rob returned much more quickly. It was only March 28, 1838 before Chaos could move again. In the meantime, Chaos, furiously angry and not caring about the consequences, joined Bolivia in two wars; one against Brazil and one against Argentina. He also finished Freedom of Trade; he chose Practical Steam Engine because, well, he was pretty steamed. (Sorry about that one. It's puns like that that make me glad we use anonymous handles on this forum.)
"I am Robo-Explorer 1003 final. I am now capable of upgrading my database as necessary."
Who designed you? An illiterate monkey?!
"All monkeys are, by definition, illiterate."
Humans are literate.
"Humans are not monkeys."
You're a monkey!
"Command accepted."
Instead of a robotic killing machine with a cloaking device (so the locals wouldn't go crazy), Chaos now found himself in a monkey. A robotic monkey, but one indistinguishable from an actual monkey without opening it up.
I give up. Can we kill some humans now?
"Weapons engaged."
Now THAT'S what I call entertainment! Is Ecuador ready to surrender to my awesomeness yet?
"Momentarily. Accelerating time... Calendar reads December 28, 1838... Ecuador is surrendering."
Hot damn!
"How, exactly, can a damn be hot?"
Don't worry about it.
"The meatbags in charge of the new provinces wish to know whether you will enslave them?"
Uh... I dunno. What do you think?
"All humans are doomed to enslavement under the Robot Empire."
Good enough for me!
"I have adjusted our budget so that only the humans who carry weapons are paid or get any services."
Well done! The rest of the slackers can go jump off a cliff.
Let's invade Peru! Add a wargoal to take the rest of my land!
"It is unlikely that Argentina will lose this war, and Peru is the junior member."
Who cares? DO IT!
"I have received a notification... the United Kingdom is attempting to generate a casus belli against us."
Uh oh. Er... what day is it?
"December 6, 1839."
Excellent! Do nothing until January 1, then get us out of here.
"Are you certain? Is it not inefficient to leave before the war against Argentina is finished? The war with Brazil ended in defeat for Bolivia."
Efficiency is not my concern. Scoring points is. Get us back to the bar.
"As you wish."
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Back at the bar, Order was busy trying to put out a fire. Robo-Bartender (now called Bart to avoid confusion) had decided to use his flamethrower to light a B-52. Six patrons were killed. Hey, Chaos. How did the mission go?
Pretty good, I guess.
My turn now.
Yep. Where are you going?
Bremen.
I hope you don't get annexed! Oh wait. Yes I do!
Shut up, Chaos.
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Total points in this session: 11 points (1 war goal [5], 1 technology [3], three provinces [3].)
Chaos: 11
Order: 0
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No problem. I'm glad you're so eager!
BTW, I've added the points to the OP, and added a couple more categories. If there's something you think I've missed, let me know!
Nice update. Though I do feel like the AAR is going to be pretty short if they keep racking up points like that.
Got a feeling that we'll be seeing a lot of Robots if Chaos continues this way....
Good Start!
And perhaps Chaos have stacked the odds a bit against Bremen for the coming few years...
Good Start!
And perhaps Chaos have stacked the odds a bit against Bremen for the coming few years...
Don't worry... Something horrible will happen. Something always does...
"improvement from 140 to 221 in total score"
221 is what you get when you add up the 3 ranks of each of your component scores...so if you're worse than everyone else, you get more points?
221 is what you get when you add up the 3 ranks of each of your component scores...so if you're worse than everyone else, you get more points?
That's the game for you; AHD lets you take a specific loan amount, but the source is determined by the AI.
This AAR is destined to be, at present, 20 updates, although it's certainly possible that there could be a thrilling war or two in there.
You're forgiven... this once.
Got a feeling that we'll be seeing a lot of Robots if Chaos continues this way....
Good Start!
And perhaps Chaos have stacked the odds a bit against Bremen for the coming few years...
I have a feeling Bremen won't make it the full five years, but who can say?
Yes. Yes it does.
D'oh! Shame on me. I did indeed get the wrong number there. I started with four points, ended with eight, so Chaos gets no points for that. I'll adjust the totals as appropriate.
One of my all time favorite books by one of my all time favorite authors.
What a shame, I missed the world premiere ! Nevertheless, you were off to a great start as Venezuela. I'll be following.
! Nevertheless, you were off to a great start as Venezuela. I'll be following.
I'm just posting to have the other icon next to my subscription.
That said, nice way to start it up, eagerly awaiting updates.
Good work, Sir.
That said, nice way to start it up, eagerly awaiting updates.
Good work, Sir.
This rate the neverending supply of robo-adventurers is going to run out!
At least we have some Order now.
also, good one with the inhibit paradox
At least we have some Order now.
also, good one with the inhibit paradox
What a shame, I missed the world premiere
Glad to have you aboard!
Thanks!
This rate the neverending supply of robo-adventurers is going to run out!
At least we have some Order now.
also, good one with the inhibit paradox
I'm glad you liked it
Aw chucks I missed the premiere. At least I'll be able to follow this one -almost- from the beginning