Just a Little Bit Loony

[Rotergeist]

Hoi!

Here you’ll find the tale of the charming van Loon dynasty. The world of 1066 does not favor us van Loons; we have but a single county to our name. In fact, that single county is our name.



From these humble beginnings (ooh, about an 80% on the skull-o-meter...I'm shivering in my boots!), we intend to occupy the heights of power and intrigue throughout the known world. You might say our ambitions are a little bit loony, but we say you need to be a little crazy to make it in this mixed-up medieval world!

I’ve never done an AAR before but I’ve enjoyed several over the years from other Paradox titles. I’m loving CK2 and think it lends itself well to the AAR style. So why not?

My goals:

1. Spread the van Loon dynasty as far and wide as possible. Our genes are too good to keep to ourselves - we must spread the Looniness to the unfortunate masses of royalty throughout Europe!
2. Uh, maybe become Emperor of the HRE? Yeah, that would be awesome!
3. …
4. Profit!

House rules: just one – no reloading!

Difficulty: normal

Patch: CK2 vanilla v1.05g

And now we join our program, already in progress…

[Rotergeist]

Here I am, Count Emmo van Loon of Loon. (Yes, I know that translates to "Emmo of Loon of Loon" which is a little crazy; please refer to the title of this AAR!)
You'll see I have solid Diplomacy skills and ... not a lot more to say about stats. No terrible traits; that's good. Three sons, also good. Unmarried ... we'll have to fix that momentarily!

Let's check out the extended family.


Hmmm... not much more that what you can see on my individual character screen! Only 6 living members of our puny dynasty...me, my 4 kids, and my little bro, Otto. We need some new blood in the family, pronto!

What kind of Laws do we have here in Loon? Well, besides the requirement to pluck ducks only on Tuesdays, here they are:


Gavelkind…why does it always have to be gavelkind. Although I don’t really care right now as I just have one county. But as soon as I get another one, I’m switching to Elective … we’ll see which son is most worthy for nomination once they are edjumacated real nice!


Let's check out the mighty Loonish (Loonite?) army!

Awesome, over 200 generals! How many troops do each of you guys command? Wait, what? You are the whole army? Eeek....
At least I have good relations with my two vassals. Filips even likes me more than the Pope, so I’ll get a little $$ from him in taxes. Ka-ching!!

Here's where we are in the world:

First step on the path to world domination is to secure our de jure Duchy of Koln. (Uh, how do I type am umlautted (sp?) letter on this forum??) The Duchy doesn't exist right now; I'm actually a vassal of Duke Gottfried of Lower Lorraine.

My first target: Julich! It’s in the same de jure duchy as me and is also a vassal of my liege, so I can go to war with it. Let's begin by fabricating a claim...oh, Dietmar!

I think the Chancellor is by far the most useful Council member. Here are my Principles of Good Council Usage (tm):

• Chancellor: Use to Fabricate Claims, mainly. Sabotage Relations with someone you are about to go to war with so they lose allies. Build Relations with your liege or allies of someone you are about to go to war with so they’ll not join up against you.

• Marshal: Research Tech in capital unless there’s a war on, then switch to Training Troops.

• Steward: Collect Taxes in capital. Always. I need the money!

• Spymaster: Uncover Plots in my capital, unless I’m plotting against a county. Then build a Spy Network in that county.

• Chaplain: Research Tech unless I have a bishop vassal who likes the Pope more than me – then Improve Religious Relations. Inquisition as heresy dictates.

As for who to appoint to each position, I just pick whoever has the best stats, unless I need a vassal relation boost – then might “forgive” a bit of stat-weakness.

Ok, let's get married!


PROTIP – set Ambition to “Get Married” before selecting a spouse. Easy +10 Piety.

(Ya know, I wish I had a little pair of gold rings next to my portrait back when I was dating…)

My focus on breeding and education this game will be Diplomacy, Diplomacy, Diplomacy. Agnes is a Grey Eminence, excellent! And she’ll get me some allies. Ka-ching! Helloooooo, Agnes!

Once she arrives, I set her up as a tutor for my eldest son, Arnold. When son #2, Diederik, turns 6 then he’ll be sent off to step-mother as well. Hopefully some of her diplomatic juiciness rubs off on these two. It would be best if Agnes were Dutch, in order to avoid a possible culture switch on my heir and a “Foreigner” -20 relations penalty for the kid. The van Loons are Dutch but we’ll end up ruling a lot of German provinces, so I guess that’s an ok culture too for now.

Diplomacy is great for rulers – can generate a major opinion boost. Plus you get a fertility boost along with Grey Eminence or Charismatic Negotiator. My second stat focus is Stewardship, but I'll only really care about that later when I start bumping up against my demesne limit.

Ok, time to unpause the game! Drumroll please ... although don't expect anything too exciting to happen for a few years!

Oh wait, I suppose Otto doesn’t want to stay single, either.

I find him a suitably charming lass. Welcome to the family! We are really quite normal, honest. Watch out for that whoopie cushion!


Waiting ... waiting....

It’s taken us eight months, but we finally have enough gold for a Wooden Palisade in Loon! Woo-hoo. My build policy for now is to remedy my pathetic income situation. The Palisade gives a bit of a tax income boost, plus some minor military benefits. Might be smarter to hold out for a Castle Village as the first build if you need greater cash flow, but I go with the Palisade for now.



The dynasty experiences an immediate 33% increase in membership with the birth of twins to my brother Otto. Congrats!



When your liege (or higher) wants to increase CA, I don’t ever see a point of clicking Approve. There’s no diplomatic penalty if you Ignore (right??) and higher CA means a greater portion of your military can be used without your consent. Plus high enough CA and you can’t even wage wars anymore (I think!) So we want to keep things Autonomous … but my fellow vassals don’t feel this way and the law passes. Oh well, no biggie for now.

Things are pretty quiet for the next year or so.

The biggest news was Duke Gottfried’s feast. He obviously skimped a bit on the trimmings, but I gobble it up like it’s caviar. I want to be on Dukey’s good side when I start pounding on one of my fellow vassals….



Tuesday, many weeks later:
"Oh my liege?"

"Yes, Chancellor? What is so important as to disrupt my duck plucking??"

"Forgive me, sire, but it is urgent..."

Excellent, Dietmar, excellent. Of course we will use this claim! But we won’t press it just yet … the time isn’t quite right. Duke Gottfried is involved in some meaningless (to me) war and has a lot of our troops tied up – yours truly included! Julich’s levies are similarly depleted, but in any case Loon and Julich are more or less evenly matched. I’m not sure I have a big enough army to even successfully siege their province!

But, still … your days are numbered, Count Gerhard! Bwahahahaha!

[tnick0225]

Looking nice so far, enjoy taking a lowly Count from some backwater family and making them rival in strength with the Empires. So I will definitely follow this and see how loony things get

[Rotergeist]

@ tnick0225 - Who you callin' a "backwater family"? Them's fighting words back in Loon country.... (seriously though thanks for the comment!)

[tnick0225]

Not a problem, I look forward to seeing the next update and what the Looniest family in Europe does!

Its always fun and entertaining starting as a count especially in the HRE.

[Rotergeist]

Well, Count Emmo now has a claim on neighboring Julich. We could declare war now, but my army is about as powerful as a bowl of noodles. Julich is pretty weak too and doesn't have any allies; but I doubt I could win a siege after taking losses fighting their army ... presuming I could win said battle. If the armies don't meet and just siege each other, then we would probably besiege each other at about the same rate, getting us nowhere fast.

I could gamble on one of my allies jumping in...but I'm not really sure I want to risk everything on that uncertainty.

So, my course of action will be to wait until we have the funds to pay off a friendly group of thugs to do the dirty work for us!

Meanwhile, we have a new little addition to the family!

Awww, what a little cutie-pie. Cootchy cootchy coo, little Liedwinnie-poo!


Shortly afterwards, my Court Chaplain comes to me in my chambers. He has an odd, zealous look in his eyes...

Hmm. As cool as “Fraticelli” sounds, I think imma say no to this one. Guards! Arrest this heretic!

A few weeks in prison change his tune.


Actually, I think I could have demanded conversion on day 1 and would have gotten it (do my diplo skills help?). I didn’t think to try until I went to fill the vacant seat on my council … and wouldn't you know it, I have no Scholars besides this guy!

Back on the Council he goes, thoroughly chastened.

I send him to Rome to have a little chat with the Pope about what he's done.

In the end, this whole sequence of events turned out well. With releasing him from prison and reinstating him to the Council, Filips' opinion of me went 60-something all the way to 100. And I think all my other vassals get a +10 opinion “Released Prisoner” bonus!



Zzzzz....



Zzzzzzzz.....



*snort* Oh, sorry. Several years pass waiting for my treasury to accumulate.


This might as well be a Loon-specific event. Neighbor problems? Roses or nails, man, no other options. Nope. Gotta pick one. I'm not insane or anything, really.


More time passes....



"Father?"

"Yes, Arnold, my eldest son?"

"Father, it's my birthday today. I'm a Grey Eminence!"



"Ah, well done, my boy! Will you look at that, 21 Diplomacy! You do your father proud!"

"Aw shucks, dad, it was nothing."

"Nonsense! We need a celebration! Guards - any annoying courtiers with hats we can nail at the moment?"

"Er, no sire, I don't believe so."

"Hmm... wait, I know! Sound the dogs of war! I mean, release the horns of battle! Wait, that's not it either..."

"Sire?"

"Oh, blast it all. Just send this little note to Count Gerhard...hehe. And tell him he smells of swamp gas and pig manure!"



The War for Julich commences! As I suspected, none of my allies are Call-able to the war. Not quite sure on who can join my wars and who can’t; something about being in the HRE or maybe being on the lower end of the Emperor-Duke-Count totem pole means I can’t get allies in most cases. I’ll have to figure that out for the future.

The Loonish army cleverly sidesteps through Liege on their way to Julich, narrowing avoiding the Julich-ian army, which took a more direct route to Loon.



As predicted, our sieges are neck and neck. Maybe I could corner him and win the battle (I do have a slight troop number advantage) but probably couldn't continue the siege with whatever troops I would have left.

(Coincidentally, the date of this screenshot is September 15, 1076 … my tenth anniversary since the start of the game! Just about to double my realm size … sweet!)

It's time to bring in the big guns!


That's more like it! I can only afford these guys for a few months, so once the Julichian army is wiped out, I judiciously use the "Assault" button with my hired goons. Sure, they take horrendous losses, but ... well, I paid for these guys, dang it!



Ahhh...sweet, sweet victory.

[Veldmaarschalk]

Very nice AAR so far, keep it up !

[Rotergeist]

Fresh from victory over the vile Count Gerhard, I take a look at my new vassals in Julich.



They kinda like me, great! I make the Bishop of Prum my new Cupbearer, which bumps his opinion of me just a bit higher than the Pope … ka-ching!

Whew! After all that excitement, we need some nice, relaxing auto-pilot. Ahhh... (time passes)



Don’t mess with Loons, bro. Glad I never sent those roses.

And more time passes....

Hey, my third son, Reinoud, has come of age! (Kind of funny how all 3 of my sons share a January 1st birthday … is that the default for all characters existing at game start?)



"Reinoud...you disappoint me son. Only a 16 Diplo skill?? What do you think this is, some backwater barony?"

"But, father, 16 is very respectable. I'm considered quite a competent -"

"Silence! Leave me now. I just hope the van Loonish blood flowing through your veins redeems your posterity. Begone!"

"*whimper*"


If you remember back a few years ago, my first son, Arnold, is a Grey Eminence with 21 Diplo.

What about son #2, Diederik? Well, he came of age during the excitement of the Julich War...



Sorry, Arnold … it’s time to nominate my heir, and it ain’t you. Diederik is my man. He’s a Charismatic Negotiator; with Diplo skill 23! And he stayed true to his Dutch heritage! (Arnie went German.)

(Although I got to admit, my Diplo-focus for my family education has worked out marvelously so far.)


Alright, now we have the succession straightened out. Shall we marry off these fine strapping young sons of mine?



You'll notice something in common with all these beauties. (Hint: look for a brain lodged in a green heart. [Ewww...]) These lovelies are all certified Geniuses, giving a +5 boost to every skill! Hopefully this trait migrates it’s way into the van Loon genepool!

The girls are a bit on the young side, so my boys will have to wait a bit to, er… consummate these unions. Patience, my sons, patience. Quality, quality. Diederik gets the oldest brainiac since he’s the heir and we want him to start pumping out offspring ASAP.

Speaking of...



Hey, I thought I was done with these… another one?! We’ll call him Lil’ Emmo. Ahh, look, he has my profile.



Sometime later, a pop-up asks me to nominate a heir for the Duchy of Koln. Hey wait a sec, that’s Loon’s de jure Duchy, and I thought it didn’t exist?? Turns out my liege Duke Gottfried created the title not too long ago. This is not a terribly bad thing, as I would need to overthrow him at some point anyway to declare my independence. Usurping the Duchy of Koln will give me a good reason to do so. Duke Gottfried has just spared me the expense of creating the title myself.

Meanwhile, I nominate myself as the heir.



Everyone else picks Gottfried’s daughter. Harumph.

[01spearingw]

Loving the start of this, keep the updates coming thick and fast, and here's hoping for a Loony Europe

[Rotergeist]

The van Loon lack of elective success, while unsurprising, propels us along another, more familiar path.

"Oh, Diederik! Time to earn your keep! Take this Chancellor Rod of Power and go whack people in Koln until they want us to be their ruler."






We'll just sit back and wait for you to finish. You know, it's been a while since I've spent time with your step-mother. Maybe I'll go take her out to a nice restaurant or something.


"Oh Agnes, my Grey Eminence. You’ve done so much for the family. Have some ruby earrings, baby. You are my density. We’ll love each other til the end of time."

"Emmo! You shouldn't have! I love them! *smooch*"

"Anything for you, babe. Come on, the carriage is waiting."


We have a nice, quiet, romantic dinner. For the most part.



Too bad Agnes is in love with a monster.

(Apparently you get all wrinkly and gray-haired the moment you turn 50. Gotta watch out for that one.)




A few months later...

"Father? Are you doing laundry?"

"Hmm? Oh, Diederik. I just can't seem to get this red stain out of my doublet... Anyway, what's up?"




Wonderful... Koln happens to have no allies. And I have two counties now. What would you do?



I didn't even need to hire mercs this time. Woot!



We have a little bit of a problem with our new county:


This “Wrong Holding Type” deal gives me a drastically reduced tax income from the new county. Which is not good. But I don’t have anything better to stick in my demesne, so I’ll keep Koln County for myself for now.

Incidentally, now I have a de jure majority of the Duchy of Koln...bwahahaha! Oh sorry, did I manically laugh out loud again?




Diederik did a pretty quick number on that claim. He deserves a little reward.


Just so happens that his little girlfriend just turned 16 … congrats, you two lovebirds! Hey, she’s turned out quite nicely! Look at those stats – 31 Intrigue! Can you guess who my Spymaster is going to be when Diederik ascends to the throne of Loon?

The happy couple wastes no time in doing what young couples do best.


My heir got an heir. And they named him after me! Awwwww…






Old Duke Gottfried finally kicked the bucket. His daughter Wiltrudis (“Trudy” to her friends) is now my liege Duchess.

Hopefully she gets weakened by a bunch of succession related rebellions. I’ll bide my time until she is weak … then strike! Bwahahaha!

(You know, we van Loons are very diplomatic and proper ............ at least on the outside.)

[LordCowles]

I'm loving this! You're doing very well with that insignificant parcel of land you started with. Great job!

And I'd just like to comment on the servant problem: Why is it every time you find one who seems perfect, he always screws up and makes you cut his throat? And then you have to wash the stains out of your clothes yourself. Humph.

[Murmurandus]

Very Loony indeed. Keep them coming.

[Rotergeist]

I'm loving this! You're doing very well with that insignificant parcel of land you started with. Great job!

And I'd just like to comment on the servant problem: Why is it every time you find one who seems perfect, he always screws up and makes you cut his throat? And then you have to wash the stains out of your clothes yourself. Humph.

"Insignificant parcel of land"?! I don't know how you could be so foolhardy to utter such things in my presence, but I do believe you are referring to the glorious homeland of Loon!

Guards! Throw him into the Oubliette!!

Wait ... send him to the Royal Laundry and chain him to the washing tubs.

You'll spend the rest of your days scrubbing my dirty undies, fiend!

[Rotergeist]

Meanwhile, back at home in Glorious Loon, cultural capital of the known world and in no way insignificant, Emmo has some family matters to attend to.

My little Liedwin wants to get married! And wowee, is she quite a looker. 25 Diplo, way to go darling!



Surprisingly, I have a wide variety of suitors willing to enter a matrilineal marriage. Guess she’s quite a charmer! Let’s see, let’s see … oooh, this might be interesting:



Excellent…the Prince of Norway with an inheritable claim. Be fruitful, and multiple, kids! Who knows, maybe we’ll see a van Loon on the throne of Norway one of these days.




But for now, more pressing matters!


My fellow vassal, Count Gerhard of Santois, agrees that it is high time for our Duchess Trudy to be on her way.




Let’s take a gander at our Liege’s finances, shall we? I find this is a useful comparison of how powerful a person really is.



Trudy has a balance of over 20 doubloons per year. Not too shabby.




Whoa, we’re up to almost 60! Excellent…when I’m not saving up for mercs, I sink pretty much all my spare cash into castle upgrades which provide a greater income. It’s now paying off handsomely.


But is it time to pull the trigger? Well, not quite yet. Trudy actually has another vassal already vying for her title. Don’t worry; she’s winning, but let’s wait it out and let her get softened up a bit.







One day in the Loonish throne room:

"Sire, a traveler has come to see you. His calls himself, um, ‘Rotergeist’, and he speaks of strange things; 'AAR' and 'The Internet.' The Court Chaplain fears he may be possessed with a devil...”



“Oh, um, well. Greetings and all that. So, you like what we’ve done here, eh? You know I’m about to become a Duke too, isn’t that grand? Sure, you can write your little story, er, ‘AAR’, as you call it.”

“Thanks, Emmo. It’s gonna be the bestest, I promise!”

“Excellent. Wait, are you going to write about everything?”

“Well, most things. I think I’ll skip most of the monotony of you sitting around watching the game tick by at the highest possible speed setting. But the interesting things, yes.”

“Ok … just don’t mention anything about that little, um, incident at dinner the other day. Don’t want anyone to think I’m some evil old monster. I was just having a bout of indigestion, you know. Just sort of snapped. Really could have happened to anyone.”



“Right-o, Emmo. Don’t worry, I’ll put you in the best light possible.”

“Excellent. I’ll just be in here scrubbing my socks if you need me. A Count’s work is never done! *good-natured chuckle*”






Finally, the time is ripe. Trudy’s war ends in her victory, hopefully in a weakened state. Our uber-liege, the Holy Roman Emperor, has unfortunately picked a fight with France and called up some of our levies, but that’s none of our concern. Trudy’s forces have similarly been depleted.


“Dear Trudy,

We regret to inform you that your end is nigh. Drop the Duchy, put your hands up, slowly back away and no one will get hurt.

Your timely reply will be appreciated.

Best regards,
Count Emmo van Loon”





Well, I didn’t think that would go over too well, but can’t fault me for trying.

Loons! Prepare for battle!

Thugs! Here’s some gold, come win our war! No, I won’t wantonly assault keeps with you this time, I promise! (fingers-crossed…)



Things go swimmingly at first. Trudy raises a pitifully small army which we wipe out post-haste. She’s completely out of troops. Mwahahaha. This should be a quick and easy victory.

The Loonish forces begin to siege Trudy’s capital in Breda.



At the siege:

“Excellent, men. Won’t be long now. Get ready to call me Duke! Maybe I should see about printing up some new letterhead … hmm….”

“Sire! The lookout on yonder hilltop! It’s urgent!”

“Oh, what is it, you scaredy-cats. We already wiped out Trudy’s armies; what’s out there to get so wound up about? A herd of cows ambling this way? *chuckle* Well, ok, I’ll trudge up there and take a look. It’s sure a nice day, lovely weather…”



“AIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!! HOLY SWEET MOTHER OF DOG! WE GONNA DIE WE GONNA DIE WE GONNA DIE!”

Oh dear, this is concerning. It appears that a hostile Danish army, more than twice the size of Loonish forces, is headed for our siege at Breda. Yikes.

They aren’t one of Trudy’s allies, though. I’m still a part of my Liege Emperor’s war on France. Denmark has just come into the battle on France’s side.

We can only hope that they are just passing through on the way to the front lines in France. Still, even if a steamroller is just passing through, you get out of the way.

The Loonish army quickly abandons the siege of Breda and side steps down to Brabant, praying that the Danish army isn’t hungry for a snack of Loons.



Whew! They ARE heading for France. Looks like they will let us live.

Should be smooth sailing from here on out! Duchy of Koln, here I come!



Wait, what?


Emmo?




Emmo!





Oh.



Poor guy…the sight of the Danish steamroller was just too much for the old ticker.



RIP, Count Emmo, RIP. You done good.

[Prince of Savoy]

I will be watching.

[LordCowles]

Hey, scrubbing socks is supposed to be my job! Stupid Count; but he got his...

Other than that, things look like they're only going to get better and better for the "glorious Loonish homeland".

[Murmurandus]

Ok. Timing isn't Emmo's strong point. Let's hope Diederik inherited his ambition only...

[Sleight of Hand]

Nice start. Never played as a Dutch guy before.

[Rotergeist]

Hoi, guys. It’s me, Diederik. I’m the Count now. My father’s war against Duchess Trudy for Koln ended a bit prematurely, but fret not. We can (re)heat things up right away, hold on a sec….just let me Choose my Ambition and – wait, wha-?




Hmmm. Ok, I guess I want a daughter. More than anything. Yes. Two+ years of changing dirty diapers and no sleep. Very fun stuff. Indeed. Much more desirable than a Duchy. Quite. Will you please excuse me for a moment? brb ……………
(%&$*#@! That girl had better be made out of solid gold or something because I so don’t approve of this! I am not a happy Count!)


Well, the Loonish army is all dressed up with nowhere to go. One of my buddies evidently realizes this.
“Say, uh, you gonna use that army, man? I’m kinda short a bit right now; can ya spot me a few?”



Oh, sure, dude. Take em. Whatevs. All I want in life is a little baby.

“Sweet dude! You da bomb! I’ll bring em right back!”

Ew, used troops? Just keep em.

“Ok, thanks, man! Later skater!”





I’ll just go check the mail. Let’s see… bill … bill … bill … what’s this? Trudy?



Um, you know my father just tried to steal your crown, right? You’re cool with that? Well, ok.
(Hehehe. My revenge will be much more the sweeter now…)


At the next Loonish Bowling Night:
“Hey dude! You can have your army back now. Thanks!”



No problem. Hey, do you know that slightly sinister-looking fellow over by lane 13?

“Who, the Count of Santois? Yeah, man, we go way back! Hey, I think he was your dad’s good buddy. Let me introduce you!”

Excellent. I just have a bit of a … proposition that I want to ask him about…



Hehehe, your days are numbered, Trudy!

Oh, wait a sec.

Duchess Trudy must have known the hurt was coming, because she up and died just to get away from the Loonish doom. Her successor is some guy with a neck-beard.

If there is one thing I cannot stand, it’s neck-beards.

This guy’s going down.

Now.





Ready, fight!





BAM!





POW!





BIFF!


He’s down for the count, folks! One, two, three ………… ding, ding, ding, ding, ding!





Ladies and gentlemen, we have a new champion!!

And the crowd goes wild.

(Check out the date ... Santa was good to the van Loons this year!)

[Murmurandus]

Take that Gotzelo the Pathetic! Loony Rules!