Hi everyone and welcome to my kingdom! The greatest place to hang about north of Rome, if you ask me.
Yes, I know it's raining.
When is it going to stop? Stop raining?
You say there's a great ball of fire up there in the sky somewhere, warming the earth? Ha! Begone with you, pagan scum. Such tales are for fisherwives and fools.
*Kicks the audience down from the stage*
Get the next group in!
So, where was I? Ah, yes. The greatest place north of Rome, and I'm the greatest king up here!
No, that's not me. Yes I know he's "the last viking", but screw that. I've got the charm and male vigor of a great king!
*Sigh* No, that's not me either.
Yes, I know Svend can field about as large an army from his own family as I can from my entire kingdom. So what? He's an old fart ruled by his women.
King Erik the Awesome, ruler of All Sweden!
History-buff Narrator: Ah, yes. The tale of Erik Stenkilsson is one faded nearly into entire obscurity...
Hang on there! Obscurity? Me? I'm Erik the Awesome!
History-buff Narrator: Aye, obscurity. Little is known of this man beyond his first name and his war upon Erik the Pagan, but alas, romantic winds have twisted their true origins and in truth we know neither if one was the son of Stenkil nor if the other was pagan...
Oh come on! Insulting my father before he's even cold, are ye? Isn't that a bit under the belt?
History-buff Narrator: Even to name him king of Sweden, a kingdom not yet in existance by his death, is but a lie told centuries after his demise...
And now stealing away my kingliness? Hey mate, it's about the only thing I've got going for me up here. Oh bugger this!
*Erik stomps out of the room*
History-buff Narrator: He left did he? Insolent young man... who was he anyway? No matter. No, it seems clear to us that king Erik was not quite the man the later kings of what became Sweden was, the utter lack of reliable sources more lends to viewing him as a dwarf walking with the giants of his age. Nor was he to be long in this world for he fell in the...
*The narrator suddenly gasps and spits blood*
Ah, good. That shut him up. Maybe I should have waited until he told of where and how I was to die, though?
No... he was clearly a lying pagan! And about pagans, have you met...
Knut the Guard: My king! Your uncle, Erik the Pagan has declared war and comes to take your head? My king? Erik? Hey, did you guys see where he went? Hello? Is this thing even on?
King Erik, King Erik, he's not very good
King Erik, King Erik, he's not where he should
He rules over rocks
But to his uncle they flock
King Erik, King Erik, is he hiding underground?
King Erik, King Erik, will he ever be found?
His dad is just dead
Maybe he wasn't fed
But Erik he is gone