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Thread: MakassAAR!

  1. #1
    Captain Zaldax's Avatar
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    A Comedy AAR Across the Seven Seas

    Welcome, folks, to my first AAR, "MakassAAR" ("Because a good pun is too hard to find!") I've toyed with the idea of an AAR for some time now, but have never had enough motivation to go through with it or the time to actually put one together. (Actually, I still don't have that...)

    I've played a few games with Makassar before, and they're quite difficult, to say the least. You start as a Chinese tech OPM, and are almost always DOW'd on day one by Mahajapit (and annexed on day 12 or whatever.) If you manage to survive, though, it makes for a fun challenge.

    SO, what's the aim of the game, you ask? Well, in case you're wondering, I'm NOT going for the simple, "Create Malaya" route that you might expect. Oh no, that's too boring, too pedestrian, too predictable...(and Malaya's flag and color are nowhere near as pretty as Makassar's...)

    Instead, I am to create a GREAT PACIFIC EMPIRE! Colonization and the like, the aim being to eventually reach the Pacific shore of the Americas. Naturally, I'll need to westernize at some point, as well. In any case, this always makes for quite the interesting game.

    Assuming I don't get annexed, or lose interest, I plan on converting the game to Vicky 2. That's a loooong way off, though, so let's just concentrate on EU3 for now.

    As the title says, this is gonna be a comedy AAR (so sorry to disappoint any of you coming here looking for the finest in gameplay tips -- although there will be some of that.) I've done a good bit of comedy writing in the past, and am the author of a satire column in a local newspaper, so hopefully I don't suck. That being said, I apologize in advance for any terrible puns, awful sarcasm, pitiful attempts at wit, and so on and so forth.

    RIGHT, I've blabbered on for long enough, let's get this train wreck a-rolling! Next stop, the Pacific Ocean!

    "Prologue: Breakfast at Tunitangkalopi's"

    "Chapter One: No Man's (an) Island" -- 1399-1401
    Last edited by Zaldax; 28-03-2012 at 22:58.
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  2. #2
    Captain Zaldax's Avatar
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    "Prologue: Breakfast at Tunitangkalopi's"

    Makassar, our mighty island home
    So grand, you are
    as far as we know!

    --Makassari National Anthem, as of the Year 1399

    As the morning of October 14th, 1399 (National Ignorance Day in Makassar, one of the most (or perhaps least?) celebrated holidays in the nation), Sultan Tunitangkalopi (popularly known as Sultan T-Kai(n) by his many admirers) could look upon his tiny, insignificant nation with pride. Under his delightfully pig-headed reign, his nation had done absolutely nothing of note: no wars had been fought, the national debt remained at a reasonable level, the military idly lounged about its barracks, and the navy had not been lost at sea more than a couple of times. It seemed as if even Allah had lost interest in him; there had not been a single event of note for decades, aside from the usual flood or twelve. Yes, his record was only rivaled by that of his great-grandfather, the legendary Sultan "Batara the Nimble*," the only man who could ever claim to have left Makassar as good as his found it.

    *At his coronation ceremony, he broke his neck approximately 12.5 seconds after being crowned. Sultan Batara I remains the Makassari Book of RecordsTM record holder for both shortest reign and Best Sultan to date

    Sultan T-Kai(n) began this morning as he did every morning; namely, by waking up. Groggily throwing on his robe and slippers, the Sultan dragged himself out of his bed.

    "What a wonderful morning!" he didn't say. "A beautiful day for Makassar." he failed to add, not noting "A perfect day for a perfect people."

    "I love life" he omitted, for emphasis.

    Grumbling incomprehensibly, the Sultan stumbled onto the veranda, his eyes blinking furiously in protest at the hot tropical sun. Still half-asleep, he made his way over to a small table, where his loyal Butler, Tuni Parsi Nazmizan (or, "Naz", as everyone called him), was patiently waiting with breakfast and the Sultan's daily report.

    "Hello, sire. Having a pleasant morning, I see?" said Naz.

    "Grughmubreblefan" said the Sultan.

    Having completed breakfast's formalities, he then sat down, picked up the report, and began flipping through it. The Sultan was pleased to note that the artists had followed his "recommendations" and increased the number of pictures included in the daily briefings. After all, he was paid to lead, not to read. Not that he could read, though -- such a task was reserved strictly for Makassar's Intelligentsia**.

    **Defined in Makassari law as those who can define "Intelligentsia." At present, 3 such men exist; Naz (who can't actually spell the word), the ambassador from Brunei, and Siraj (who can define, spell, and read "Intelligentsia" -- naturally, the man was regarded as a dangerous subversive, and is currently in Malaccan exile as Makassar's sole merchant.)

    The finances of the state were in decent condition. Makassar was making a few gold a year, but nothing special really.

    The artists had taken the time to summarize the Sultan's policies into a nice little bar. A bit abstract, perhaps, but that suited T-Kai(n) just fine. With a curt little grunt that barely qualified as language, he ordered a nearby servant to have the "Centralization" bar increased by 1, whatever that meant. People would be upset for a while, but it wouldn't matter much. It was still National Ignorance Day, so with any luck they'd forget soon enough.

    Having finished with the morning report, the Sultan turned what little attention he had to the stack of mail that had been slowly growing over the past week. As gingerly as a gorilla, the Sultan grabbed a fistful of papers and began shifting through them.

    "Have him killed."
    "Junk...NO WAIT! Bill."
    "Have her killed."

    "But sire, that's your mother-in-law"
    "Oh. In that case, have her killed with fire. Bill."

    "Actually, m'lord, that letter is from the Ambassador of Brunei -- he wishes to know if you still desire an alliance?"
    "OF COURSE WE DO, SEND IT SEND IT SEND IT! Nice catch, Naz; I'm doubling your salary this week."

    "Actually, sire, you don't pay me at all. You mentioned something about it being 'my duty to serve.' Been meaning to talk to you about that for some time, really."

    The Sultan spun round to face Naz, his face burning a red brighter than the finest Makassari brick.

    "I thought you knew, sire. Spices, sire. It's all we produce."
    "Well, surely that's a bit of an exaggeration..."
    "No, sire, I mean that's literally all we produce. Been meaning to ask you about that as well, actually."

    As the Sultan attempted to put out the inferno raging through his tastebuds, a lone thought drifted through his brain: Something big was about to happen...

    That something big? ME UN-PAUSING THE GAME! Stay tuned, as there will hopefully be an update tomorrow!
    (and this time, I'll actually edit it before I post it, which I swear I'll do to this one soon...)
    Last edited by Zaldax; 28-03-2012 at 20:45.
    "I am a dummy-file.
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    I have done my task, yay me!"

  3. #3
    Captain Zaldax's Avatar
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    "Chapter One: No Man's (an) Island"

    --Traditional Makassari War Cry, circa 1399 AD

    The Sultan was right -- big changes were on the horizon indeed.

    For reasons which baffled the mind of even Makassar's finest thinker*, Brunei had inexplicably agreed to an alliance! No longer would Makassar have to fuss over its own defense; now protected by its much larger and wealthier neighbor, the Makassari "army" (actually a few hundred peasants with sticks who get together on weekends to hit things with sticks and drink "Spiced Water.") was promptly disbanded.**

    *Actually a hobo living outside the palace, named Imad Mukhtar. No one understands anything he says, so he's either a genius, crazy, or both.
    **Makassar being a Muslim country, alcohol is technically illegal. "Spiced Water" consists of water, flavored with hot peppers. It tends to ferment fairly quickly, but either way the mixture tastes so revolting that no one can tell the difference. In any case, the army reacted to their disbanding the same way they did everything else...drinking.

    The formation of what the Sultan had eloquently deemed the "Axis of Apathy" was well-received, to say the least. Within hours of the announcement, spontaneous traditional Makassari celebrations erupted across the country, and dirt roads all across the nation were quickly filled with people causing as little fuss as they could.

    Malacca had evidently heard of the formation of the pact, for they quickly sent an emissary requesting an alliance. The Sultan wisely accepted...

    ...and then promptly forgot that Malacca had ever existed. For the next few days, whenever the word "Malacca" was mentioned near the Sultan the sound of innocent whistling could be heard.

    Things were relatively uneventful for the remainder of the year. Mahajapit was angry as ever, and the receipt of a Mahajapiti insult*** was almost a weekly occurrence. And then...

    ***Usually the Mahajapiti Ambassador tossing a chunk of driftwood with the words "You Suck" carved into it at someone important's head.

    A Traditional Makassari Winter Poem
    Twas the night before December 25th, when all through the Palace,
    Not a treasure was missing, not even a chalice;
    Bathrobes were hung by the front door with care,
    in hopes that the dry cleaner soon would be there;
    The sultan was nestled all snug in his bed,
    While visions of sugar peppers danced in his head;
    His slippers on the floor, having donned his cap,
    he'd settled in for an unpleasant jungle nap;
    When into the room with a crash came a clatter,
    T-Kai(n) sprang from his bed to see what was the matter;
    As he grabbed for a candle, and was turning round,
    Through the front door came Naz with a bound;
    His face ashen and pale, his eyes wide with fright,
    "Mahajapit," he cried, "They've declared war tonight!"

    (I was so surprised that they went through with it, I actually forgot to take a Screenshot. -- Zaldax)

    Mercifully, Brunei answered the call! Nonetheless, the Sultan sprang to action, and fearlessly began directing his nation's war policies.

    "Listen very carefully Naz. I want you to raise War Taxes, and start minting!"
    "Yes sire, at once. And the troops?"
    "We have troops?"

    The 1st war of Mahajapiti aggression saw the premiere of Makassar's now-legendary military strategy; doing nothing. Nonetheless, to prevent the enemy from sneaking past Brunei, 1,000 of Makassar's finest fighting men were drawn up.

    "Sire, if I may be so bold as to point this out, there are a few flaws in our monetary policy."
    "Such as.....?"
    The sultan was less than pleased at being disturbed -- the ongoing war was stressful enough, without having to be constantly interrupted by his Butler. Weren't butler's supposed to be seen, not heard? He thought he'd read somewhere that servants were traditionally required to be so unobtrusive that they would literally blend in with the rest of the palace when not needed...A rule worth bringing back, he mused.
    "Well, sire, we might find other nations more willing to accept our currency if we switched to something more recognizable as cash."
    "What's wrong with the money we've got?"
    "Forgive my impudence, sire, but my idea of 'legal tender' is not the word 'Money' scrawled across a Banana leaf."

    "Might I suggest we use coins instead?"

    "...won't the leaves tear then?"
    "Metal coins, sire."
    "Oh...well then see that it's done. While you're at it, could you buy more paint for the palace?"

    "Redecorating, sire?"
    "...you could say that."

    Naz hurriedly left the room; the Sultan only had that look on his face when it was time for dinner, the circus was in town, or when he had come up with some new method of tormenting the servants. And since it was only noon, and Makassar hadn't discovered the circus yet, it had to be the latter.

    Imad raced through the jungle, in hot pursuit of his pet dog, Bark.**** His world was a green blur, with and occasional tan smear signifying it was time to dodge. If video games had been invented yet, Imad would have been a "Frogger" king. Instead, he'd just have to satisfy himself with being "In the Zone."

    The sounds of feet crashing along the jungle floor came to an abrupt halt, as Imad came face-to-face with a terrible sight. Before him stood a small, bamboo guard shack, a checkpoint separating Makassar from the untamed wilds beyond. And a mere 5 steps beyond the line...

    happily lay Bark, gnawing contently on a chunk of his namesake. Life existed on the rest of the island, after all!
    (So...Bone was discovered. Yeah, I forgot to take a screenshot of this, too, but I'm already way too far gone in game to fix it, so oh well...)

    A few days after the discovery of Bone (****which, on the death of Imad some 70 years later would be renamed "Bark" in honor of its discoverer), most glorious news arrived at the palace; Mahajapit had surrendered! The war was over!

    Makassar's brave fighting men had done their duty. Raising their weapons for the first time since the war began, they let out a hearty cheer, so loud as to shake the Sultan's very bones.

    "You don't have to shout, you know. You're literally standing all of 20 feet away from me..." grumbled T-Kai(n), as he stared down from the veranda upon the dozen or so men assembled in the courtyard below. "I can hear you just fine, thanks."

    The Sultan cleared his throat, and began to address the men.

    "Well men, the war is over, and I suppose you all are expecting some sort of reward now, for all the hard work you've done."

    "During the war, you caused approximately (and this is just a rough estimate) zero casualties amongst the enemy forces. However, you yourselves lost somehow lost twelve men, at least eight of whom I'm informed later turned up off the coast of Malacca in a dingy made of bamboo and hot peppers, and wearing their slippers on their heads. Regardless of the no-doubt vile and debaucherous circumstances that led to this mess, I would remind you all that drinking is strictly prohibited while on duty. Or at any time, really...I mean, seriously, what kind of Muslim country is this?

    The men looked at one another and shrugged. One scratched his nose. Somewhere, a dog barked.

    T-Kai(n) sighed. "Whatever, I give up. You all get double rations, as usual. Dismissed."

    Last edited by Zaldax; 29-03-2012 at 08:06.
    "I am a dummy-file.
    I'm here to ensure that the mod directory is created.

    I have done my task, yay me!"

  4. #4
    National Ignorance Day, haha!

  5. #5
    People's Commissar of the Navy Demi Moderator Avindian's Avatar
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  6. #6
    What a lovely poem you wrote. Excellent work, and good luck in the future . However, where are you going to find metal coins on a banana tree?...
    How many boards would the Mongols hoard if the Mongol hordes got bored?

  7. #7
    Field Marshal blsteen's Avatar
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    Ah Makassar. I like Makassar, little out of the way doesn't ususally get bothered much in my experience...especially after I spiff them up.
    I was Sir blsteen, Knight of the Eastern West... in :One Last HurRAAh: A Milanese Empire Interactive AAR:

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  8. #8
    Lt. General homy_dog34's Avatar
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    Great job! Hope to see more...
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  9. #9
    Captain Zaldax's Avatar
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    All over the place.
    lazyguy: Fantastic holiday, no? Kind of wish they'd celebrate it here...although no one would know when it was.

    Avindian: Thanks for your kind words!

    MrQwerty: Why thank you! Not many people are familiar with the work that the modern Christmas poem is based on, so I figured I'd show you all the original Makassari version.

    That's funny; the Sultan asked the exact same question!

    blsteen: I'm quite fond of them, too -- it's always nice to see them survive as AI.

    homy_dog34: Your wish is granted! UPDATE SOON.

    (Actually, slight problem...I've got enough material and screenshots to update for a loooooooong time. )
    "I am a dummy-file.
    I'm here to ensure that the mod directory is created.

    I have done my task, yay me!"

  10. #10
    English Lit Major generalolaf's Avatar
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  11. #11
    Colonel vasziljevics's Avatar
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    surely I am not the only one confused by the... er... "rich collection of fonts" used in the posts

    might as well this made me smile here and there so consider me interested

  12. #12
    Sergeant SiikFajitas's Avatar
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    This is great! Keep up the good work, maybe one day Makassar will have TWO provinces.
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  13. #13
    Captain theconfusedone's Avatar
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    Makassar sure is an awesome country to play
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  14. #14
    Lt. General Andrzej I's Avatar
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    National Ignorance Day and victory over Majapahit! Break out the spiced water!
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