Out Of Taurica - a Rurikovich AAR

[0Emmanuel]

@Fookison: I suppose, crying would be more than appropriate for that.

@Kazmir: You give Rostislav too much credit, I'm afraid. The civil war was already in full swing. He just managed to convince one more guy to join it.

@morningSIDEr: Fate is a fickle mistress indeed. As Rostislav will find out.


I apologize for the slow updating, but I have trouble finding the time to write at the moment. It will get better eventually, though, so follow me through this desert and we shall see the promised land.

---

Episode 9 - The Fickleness Of Fate And Jesus' Mom
as told by Rostislav I Vladimirovich, Duke of Taurica






Behold my realm!

Isn't it glorious?

This calls for some kind of ode or hymn or other poetical stuff.

Iakov! Has anyone seen Iakov?




"I believe you thend him to the edthe of the world, mylowd."

Oh, yeah.

"I could try..."

No, that's alright.

Anyway, have you seen my snazzy new get-up?





Pretty cool, eh?

The headband is made from gold we took from a church in Theodosia.

...

It was a Greek church, so it's alright.

I mean, I know we're Greeks religiously speaking, but...

youknowwhatimean

Let's take a look through the infirmary, shall we?





Because war brings with it some casualties, too.

How are you doin', son?

"I had some Greek try to stick a sword in my eye and he almost succeeded! How do you think I feel?! And all just because you wanted to rule some town filled with even more Greeks!"

Well, granted, but it's gonna make a cool scar once it heals.

"A cool scar? But my face was so beautiful!"

...

"I suppose, I should count myself lucky, though, considering what happened to Volodar."





Well, I'm not sure falling off a horse during the parade counts as a war injury.

But you're right. He doesn't speak, wanders around aimlessly, looks at you with empty eyes devoid of any sign of sentience...

You know, if I were a callous man I would say that it's not much different from before.

Teehee.

"..."

...

If I were a callous man.

Besides, don't just blame me. I specifically asked the Virgin Mary beforehand to protect my sons. Apparently, that was just too much work for her.




"Ath the gothpel thayth:
'And the holy mother wath a fickle bitchth.
One night shthe ith totally fine with JC goin' out,
the nektht shthe ith like 'no way'
without any reathon.
I mean, like, what'th up with that?'"

...

Um, what?

"It'th the gothpel of Kimantha. You guyth shthould read more."

...

Let's go find something to cheer me up.





What?

Oh.

No, you see, this is just a misunderstanding...





No, really! I can explain!

There were some Cumans besieging that province and Kirill was supposed to create discord among them.

He must have mistaken your vassals for Cumans.

Not that one would normally confuse the two, of course.

...

Oh, Kirill, you idiot.




"If I could offer my thervitheth, mylowd?"

No.

"But..."

No.

"..."






Finally! Some good news!

How about a baby party?
Everyone brings a present for the little one, we can have cake, there'll be music and dancing...






Or we could go to a funeral.

Fickle bitch.

Is it blasphemy if nobody says 'Jehova'? Where has Viacheslav been hiding all this time? Is he still drunk all the time? Is he still looking for a job? Didn't he become enlightened or something? And will the juxtaposition of a life given just as another one is taken lead to a deep philosophical examination of the cycle of life and death? Haha, no. But there will be other stuff happening in the next episode of Out Of Taurica!

[Fookison]

Life and death! Blessings and cursings! Sounds about right!!!

[Donye]

Such a good read 10/10. you make such tiny aspects of the game (marriages, spy missions etc) so funny and rewarding to read. I wish our favourite Duke all the best in the next installment- can't wait!

[0Emmanuel]

@Fookison: The whole spectrum of human existence! You get it here.

@Donye: Glad to hear you enjoy it! The small scale of this is mostly necessity. With few opportunities for adventures on the international scene the focus has to be more domestic. Again, I'm glad to hear that I apparently manage to make these things somewhat interesting.

The next update should go up sometime this weekend. If Mary wills it!

[0Emmanuel]

---

Episode 10 - Of Saints And Goddesses
as told by Rostislav I Vladimirovich, Duke of Taurica




Today is gonna be a good day.

I can feel it.

All the clouds that lowered upon our house
into the deep bosom of the ocean buried.






Well, alright, Kirill, my former chancellor, died in a prison cell far away from home.
Because of that unfortunate misunderstanding with my uncle.

So, that's not great.

But as to Korchev, harmony rules again.





...

I think, you are mistaken, Yeremey.

"Pretty sure I'm not..."

Yes, you are. Nobody is trying to kill anyone.
Everything's fine in the state of Taurica.

"If you say so..."

Yes, and tell that stupid girl as well.
This never happened.

"Okey-dokey, boss."

As I was saying,
all is love and harmony in...





Fine!

I just wanted to enjoy life a little after all the fighting over the last years.

But if all I get at home is dead sons, scheming daughters-in-law and nagging... other sons, I might as well go back to war.





Looks like my archnemesis is dead.

Well, his son will do just fine.

Of course, since asking the holy mother for protection didn't really work last time, I'll turn to some other higher power this time.

But which one.

Hm, just when one has need of a bishop none is around.




Ah, Mitrofan, my second-favorite... ahem... how are you?

"I'm well, my lord."

I need a new patron saint. Any ideas?

"Um, Saints Cyril and Methodius?"

The 'Apostles of the Slavs'? How very original...

"Well, then how about... Saint Theodoros?"

Bah, a Greek.

"Saint Andrew?"

A fool.

"Saint Symeon?"

The Stylite? Weirdo.

"Saint Hilarius?"

...

"..."

Teeheeheehee.

"Hahahahaha."

That always cracks me up.

"Yeah. Oh, I know. Saint Boris!"

Hm. Military leader. Powerful king. I kinda like that idea.





Or, wait...
Hello there, Miss Artemis.

Here's a fun fact: As Proclus tells us, Iphigenia, daughter of Agamemnon, was taken away by Artemis when her father tried to sacrifice her, and brought here, to Taurica, where she was from then on in charge of sacrificing Greeks.

So, she has a local connection and doesn't like Greeks. Perfect!

"But she is a heathen goddess..."

That'll be all, Mitrofan.

In the name of the mighty Artemis!






Just to be on the safe side, though, I let mercenaries do all the fighting.

I wanted to employ the cheap peasant rabble from last time again, but they weren't available.

Well, these guys are led by some bloke named Boris, so I actually incorporated Mitrofan's suggestion, too.

He didn't seem to appreciate it all that much.

Ah well.






Can't argue with success!

This is how wars ought to be fought. Sitting in my palace and letting others do the work.






To arms! The Greeks are before the city... wait.

Are those all of them?

Teehee.

But let's not take any chances.




Hey, you! Who are you?

"My name is Svetozar of Taman, mylord. I have come to your court in search of my brother Iakov. He hasn't written in quite a while."

Oh.

...

Yeah, anyway, take the city guard and lead them against those Greeks outside the walls.

"..."

...

"Okay..."





Teehee. I can make random people off the street generals of my armies and they still win. How awesome is that?

Keep it up, wonderful Artemis.






Hello, my darling Bastardirina.

"Thas not my name."

...

"I'm Atemis!"

Awww, aren't you a cutie?
Um, I mean, you know, for a bastard.

...

And also... ticklish!

"Hihihihi."





"Dad! What about my geometry lessons?"

Not now, Vasilko.

"But..."

Can't you see I'm busy?

"..."

With the war and all?

"She isn't even yours..."

What was that?





"Nothing."



Come on, little 'Artemis', let's go to Marshal Gavriil and see how the war is going.





Looks like Damianos took a break from rebelling against the emperor to fight me.

And my newest go-to general defeats him posthaste.

Okay, some bishop died. But I don't think I ever met the guy.
He's Greek, as well, so I can only assume that Artemis takes her sacrifices herself.

Good. Less work for me.






And Damianos submits.

It's alright, vassalizing him means less administrative work for me in the future.

...

Wow, I'm getting kinda lazy, don't I?






And my son aces his exams without my help.

It seems that laziness really pays off!

Will Rostislav stop his descent into laziness? Will the author stop his descent into plagiarism? And will Mitrofan stop the realm's descent into heathen worship? How devious must little Bastardirina be if she has her (step)father wrapped around her finger like that? And will all these obscure references to saints and Greek mythology ever be explained? Not when Wikipedia is just one click away from Out Of Taurica!

[morningSIDEr]

Good that turning to heathen deities is proving successful thus far! More importantly though, it is clear the education system in Korchev is second to none. Don't bother doing any revision or work and you'll still pass exams with flying colours. Impressive stuff!

[Kazmir]

Ah, too bad for Volodar, but at least things are going swimmingly for Rostislav.

[Saithis]

Looks like the heathens grant more luck than the Christians do. Have you stumbled on a clever trick here?

[0Emmanuel]

@morningSIDEr: Maybe those heathen gods improve the education of their worshippers? It seems to have worked for the ancient Greeks.

@Kazmir: The Lord giveth, the Lord taketh away. Artemis doesn't do that, though. She's cool.

@Saithis: So far it works. We'll see how long the luck lasts.


The following update is low on pictures, because my current internet connection is crap. It's high on words, because I had a long train ride to fill. Finally, it doesn't really concern any action from the game, because I didn't find time to play. So, take it as a weird interlude to tide you over till the regular schedule resumes sometime next week.

---

Interlude - Poetry Slam
as told by Rostislav I Vladimirovich, Duke of Taurica





We have now had two victorious wars without proper commemoration in verse. This cannot stand.
Mainly, because opportunities for victories are scarce in this neighborhood.
And so I have decided to hold a competition to find a replacement for the currently absent poet laureate.




"Speaking of which, where exactly is my brother?"

He...

I...

...

Would the first contestant please step forward?




"Mylowd."

...

Let's get this over with.

"There wath a young maiden of Kipchak
who thought courtly love wath a big drag.
Tho shthe went around
to all men in town
thaying, 'Honey, won't you rub my... back.'"

Teehee.

How rude.

I liked it. Next!




"Mine is a song, so I have brought this children's choir to perform it with me."

Nice. Bonus points for effort and creativity.

"Thank you, mylord.
Alright, kids!
And a-one and a-two and..."




"Hail to thee, Taurica,
by the shores of the Black Sea.
And though others may snicker
we know our heart's with thee.
From your gleaming temples
to your hallowed cricket ground,
your real expensive library
where Old Ones can be found.
Hail to thee, Taurica,
below Mount Artemis.
We will always love Taurica!
And the really cool guy who is currently in charge here,
named Rostislaaaaaaav!"

Bravo! Bravo!

Ha, I doubt anyone can top that.
Does anybody wanna try?




"Yeah. Me."

Very well, Yeremey.

"Somebody drop a beat.

Oh, yeah.

Uh-huh.

Yo, I don't have to tell you who I'm rapping this for,
Rostislav Rurikovich the Conqueror.
He ain't no push-over when he goes to war,
against heathen hordes or homies of the Czar.
When he comes into town with his mercenaries
you better believe how little mercy there is.
He takes all you've got,
now, that's quite a lot,
and to hide somethin' from him you better try not.
His name carries terror from here to Moldova,
if you hear it you might as well just roll over,
'cause Ros' is a-coming and, no, he ain't stoppin',
so better submit, before your friends start droppin'
dead."

That was... nice.

Maybe you should stick to spymastering.
No offense.

"Nah, it's cool. I guess you just don't get it, man. I'm too fly for y'all old folks. But that's alright."

I'm pretty sure you're older than me.

"Nah, I'm 29 and have been for the last 20 years."

Right.

Do we have anyone else?




"Mylord, if I may be so bold."

Sure, I'm all for equality in the arts. But first, tell me who you are.

"I'm Sophia."

...

"Your daughter-in-law?"

...

"I'm married to your son Rurik?"

...

"Your oldest?"

I know that my oldest son is named Rurik, woman!

"..."

Just begin.

"I am the air
that is not seen,
yet everywhere.
I am the earth
that quietly bears
to be trod upon.
I am water
that flows around rock
and never ceases
its path.
I am the fire
that cleanses the world
of all that corrupts
its beauty."

...

Too bad psychoanalysis hasn't been invented yet, am I right?
Teehee.

"..."

Right, um, that was a very fine poem, Sonya.

"Sophia."

Right... Sonya is just my pet name for you, you see?
It's a Russian thing.

Anyone else?

No?

Very well then, I shall give my verdict...

...after this message from our sponsor.

CUT TO Commercial.

TWO KNIGHTS are seen fighting in a field, one wears a RED LION on his shield, the other a GREEN SNAKE.

The red lion manages to disarm and trip the green snake. He stands over his opponent, his sword held to the snake's throat.

ANNOUNCER
(Voice Over)
Wait!

The two knights freeze and look at the camera.

ANNOUNCER
(Voice Over)
Are you tired of always fighting fair?

The lion looks puzzled while the snake nods.

ANNOUNCER
(Voice Over)
Are you tired of always losing while doing so?

The lion looks still more confused, while the snake nods again, embarrassed.

ANNOUNCER
(Voice Over)
Well, it doesn't have to be this way.

THE RED LION
(incredulous)
It doesn't?

THE GREEN SNAKE
(hopeful)
It doesn't?

ANNOUNCER
(Voice Over)
No! Because now there is...
Mercenaries^TM!

Suddenly a group of wild-looking men enter the frame. They quickly overpower the lion and procede to beat him while he lies on the ground. The snake gets up, brings his clothes in order and looks at them, grinning.

ANNOUNCER
(Voice Over)
With Mercenaries^TM you can beat opponents that are bigger and better than you, for as little as 59,95 plus monthly fee.

The snake gives a thumbs up to the camera.

ANNOUNCER
(Voice Over)
Don't hesitate and hire professionals to crush your enemies.
Mercenaries^TM!
(very fast)
Official regulations and restrictions do not apply. Mercenaries^TM will fight for anyone who pays them. First come, first served, unless there is a substantially higher offer. If you stop paying the monthly fees Mercenaries^TM will turn on you, pillage your cities and take you for all you've got. No victory guarantee. No guarantee Mercenaries^TM will be well-equipped or well-mannered.

CUT BACK TO Out Of Taurica.

As I was saying, here is my final verdict about who will be Taurica's next top model, I mean poet laureate.

You were all great, but there can be only one.

So, here is my decision.

Which I will tell you now.

My decision.

My final verdict.




"Oh, get on with it!"

Okay! Okay!
Nice job ruining the tension.

Taurica's new poet laureate is...


[Suddenly the doors to the great hall burst open and in steps a hooded figure.]


What the...?
Halt, mysterious stranger!
Who are you that you dare enter my court room like this?

Speak!




"In search of world's end,
lonely pursuit of the sun,
found blossoms of youth."

Who is this mysterious stranger? Could it be someone we know? Well, alright, it's not that difficult to figure out. But what do his cryptic words mean? What adventures did he have? And when will this so-called "after action report" get back to stuff that actually happened in the game? Who knows with Out Of Taurica!

[morningSIDEr]

A good update,
Indeed I thought it rather great.
Some of the poetry especially stupendous,
The rapping in particular quite tremendous.
Alongside this the inclusion of an ad,
Was particularly rad.

I await my selection as Tauricia's next poet laureate.

[PineconeKing]

Ode to an enemy

Violets are blue, roses are red,
We'd rob all your stuff but it's looting 'cause you're dead.

[0Emmanuel]

For a couple of days there I was afraid the update was too strange and had put people off.

But I'm glad to see it eventually inspired more poetry. I think both of you deserve to call themselves "Honorary Poet Laureate of Taurica" from now on. Note that the honorary poet laureateship is better than the regular one, because it's eternal, instead of temporary.

And fear not. I'm currently working on the next gameplay update.
However, my head is also full of what Iakov was up to while away (it's been almost five in-game years since we last saw him). Would you readAARs be interested in hearing more about his adventures? I have some ideas (maybe even amusing ones!), but it might just clutter this AAR with a largely irrelevant side story. There will definitely be references to it, but would you like to read a more detailed account in some form or other?

[Murmurandus]

You got me chuckling once in while. Good job...

[Fookison]

OOOOhhhhhh!!!
I like cliff hangers!!!!
BTW: Who was that hooded figure? Its never who we expect!!

[0Emmanuel]

@murmurandus: Thank you! Let's see if I can increase the chuckle quota even more.

@Fookison: But, you see, in this case, it's exactly who one would expect. It's Iakov, our old poet laureate, who was sent out several episodes ago to drop the icon he made off the edge of the world. I guess, it wasn't as clear as I had hoped it would be. Seems I botched the dramatic reveal! Argh!

---

Episode 11 - Work & Travel
as told by Rostislav I Vladimirovich, Duke of Taurica





Now that Iakov is back the poetry contest is kinda pointless.

Good effort, everyone.

You can all go now.




"..."

And you can tell me all about your adventures in my study, Iakov.
Let's go!




"Very well, mylord."

Here we are.
You don't mind if I deal with some state business while you're talking, do you?

"Not at all."

It was a rhetorical question anyway.
I have gotten a bit lazy and the paperwork has been piling up.
By the way, I did conquer Taurica while you were away.





"Very impressive, mylord. I'll compose an ode to you at the first opportunity."

You better.

Hm, let's see...
What's this...





Ah, yes. Good.
That ought to mollify the church after the whole 'Artemis' thing.
And it only amounts to, like, three men less, anyway.

On the other hand, it will make it more difficult for her to take her sacrifices herself.
Hm...

"Mylord?"

Yes?

"My story?"

Oh, right. Tell away, I'm listening.

"Well, when you sent me out to find the edge of the world, I naturally wondered which direction would be the best to go."

Teehee.

"Mylord?"

Oh, Iakov. There is no 'edge of the world'.

"..."

...

"Um, I know."

You do?
Well, good then.






Ah, the new bishop of Kimmerikon was introduced into the Philosopher's Club.
Too bad I couldn't be there for it. There's nothing like a good hazing.
Did I tell you how the last one got himself 'sacrificed' in a...

Wait, how do you know there is no edge?

"Because the earth's round."

Round?

"Yes, like a sphere."

...

I know that.

"You do?
Um, good then."






What in the name of Artemis is this?
'Father, I want to get married. Vasilko.'

"It appears to be a note from your son Vasilko stating his wish to get married."

Ya think?

"..."

...

"He has grown up into a fine young man, by the way."

An annoying know-it-all, you mean.






My beloved vassal's heirs are trying to kill each other.
Beautiful.
Teehee.

"How do you know, mylord?"

What? That watching other families murder each other is beautiful?

"About the earth being a sphere."

...

Because I can read?
Every astronomer past and present agrees. The unequal length of days, the curvature of the horizon... It's the only explanation.

"Oh. Alright."

How do you know?

"I travelled around it. Kept going west and ended up back where I started. It's the only explanation."

Oh. Alright.

You know what? Let's give my beloved vassal Damianos something to take his mind of his murderous family.





Like collecting money only to give it away again to the poor. Never seen anybody who enjoys that job.
Teehee.

Hm, I think he is still fighting the Emperor. Maybe he can bring back some gold from Constantinople.
For the poor.

...

"Mylord?"

...

Wait. You did what?!

"Oh. I went all around the earth."

That's... amazing!
I'm pretty sure no man has ever done that before.

"I know."

...

Yeah, no need to be grinning like that.

Wait, let me just read this last message real quick...





...

"What is it, mylord?"

You know, being part of a large and powerful family should really have more perks and less obligations.

sigh

Let's go get some fresh air.






Woah! You don't look too well, lady.

"Indeed. You should probably go see a doctor."

And stay away from us, thank you.

Ugh, let's hope that isn't something...





...contagious.

What say you, Iakov? Shall we honor my uncle's call to arms and get the hell out of this disease-ridden town?

"Nothing would please me more, mylord."

Did you know that the people of Korchev invented quarantine? A word meaning "get as far away as possible"? And that the fact that the earth is a sphere was well-known among medieval scholars? Nevertheless, how will Iakov's journey change the course of history? Will the Age of Discovery start four hundred years early? Did Iakov bring some souvenirs? And will this endless warfare ever end? War, war never changes on Out Of Taurica!

[Murmurandus]

If fear smallpox are some kind of chemical warfare...

[0Emmanuel]

@murmurandus: I bet it was those Greeks again. They'll stop at nothing to bring Rostislav down...

---

Episode 12 - Culinary Adventures
as told by Rostislav I Vladimirovich, Duke of Taurica






Ahhhh. The air here is much better.

And no, I'm not drunk.




"Mylord?"

Yes?

"Wasn't the call to arms from Turov? And isn't that in the opposite direction?"

Well, I didn't say I wanted to actually fight.
Hold on, a messenger from Korchev.





I guess I should have taken her with me.

...

I'm sure she'll be fine.

What's the other letter? No good news, I wager?





Of course not.

Well, we're already fighting one war.
Might as well join another.

But let's turn west. I'd rather fight the Peche-guys than the Cumans.

"Are they less dangerous?"

Judging by their mercenaries, yes.






Finally, we found a castle whose garrison doesn't outnumber us.
That took ages.

Alright, everybody, set up the siege!

And now we wait.

...

Somebody make some Pina Coladas.






We're being attacked?
Where?
The supply tents?

Out of my way!
I'll show them!
Taste my sword, you...





...brigands?

What are you doing here?

"I'm hungy."

...

"..."

Teeheeheehee.

"Hihihihihi."

It's alright, everybody, it's just...




"Noooon! Vat are le troops to eet now?"

Surely, we have enough for one little girl.

"But she 'ate won month worth of rations! And my nom iz not Shirley."

What about these vegetables Iakov brought from his travels? They're still untouched.

"Zey are vile!"

Oh, get over yourself. Just use them and it'll be fine.





...

Iakov!




"It's not my fault, mylord. These idiots used the green parts of the plant."

Well, what else were we gonna eat from it?

"The tubers."

These wrinkly things?





"Yes. They don't taste like much, but are very nutritious."

Hm.

bite

Baaaah.
Gross.

"You have to cook them first."

...

"..."

I knew that.

You know what? This siege is not progressing anyway. Let's see if we can find some better food.






Look, nomads!

I'm sure they don't mind sharing their cattle with us.





Hm.

They did mind.

...

Anybody want some more stew?





Or how about some seafood?

Someone hand me my rod.

I'm in the mood for fish.

Will Rostislav catch anything? Isn't this kind of a bad time to go fishing, what with two wars going on? Will we come back to the ruins of a conquered Korchev? Or will Artemis again do the heavy lifting while our hero is off amusing himself? The life of a goddess ain't easy on Out Of Taurica!

[Murmurandus]

This update made me hungry...

[morningSIDEr]

Irina certainly has some appetite! I'd rather like to read of Iakov adventures during his globe trotting, especially as such tales seem to promise more epic poetry. Worrying that Rostislav is being infected with deadly diseases, good that he's doing his best to eat healthily.

[0Emmanuel]

Hello again!
Thank you, morningSIDEr for reminding me that I should let my readAARs hear from me again. And I hope you didn't find your fridge empty after reading this, murmurandus.
I'm sorry about the delay in updating, but I'm afraid in addition to time constraints I've hit a bit of a writer's block. There is not much to do in-game except laying low and hoping the big boys in the neighborhood don't notice me. And I'm having trouble coming up with interesting stuff while waiting for better opportunities.
But fear not! I'll come up with something. Maybe some time with Iakov will get the creative juices flowing again...