Out Of Taurica - a Rurikovich AAR

[Saithis]

Korchev smells of Knud Knýtling.

I shall watch with curiousity.

[0Emmanuel]

@morningSIDEr: I suppose, he just has to be extra valorous to make up for the cuckolding.

@Kazmir: But... but where is the fun in going off to war with your buddies if the wife tags along? That defeats the whole purpose.

@Saithis: Ah, that's what that smell was... In seriousness, I'm honored by the comparison. Thank you, and I hope Rostislav and his Rurikovichs will prove to be worth your curiosity.

---

Episode 5 - Bastard Baby Blues
as told by Rostislav Vladimirovich Rurikovich






...

She is so... small.

I mean, she basically fits into the palms of my hands.

Careful now...

Look at these tiny little fingers...

Who is the cutest little thing in the world? You are!

Yes, you are.

Teehee.

...

Oh, I see what you're doing. Trying to make me forget. Well, I won't forget.

I have another daughter, you know? And I'm pretty sure she actually is mine.

So, I don't need you.

No, I don't.

...






I also have another son, Volodar. Did I ever mention him?

Or his mother, my first wife?

Yeah, I don't like to talk about it...






Shifty-looking fella. And seriously, what's with that ridiculous "beard", son?






And that kid hiding behind the curtains is the third one.

Get out of there, you brat! No one will ever take notice of you if you're hiding all the time!

...

Great, now Volodar is also behind the curtains.

Unbelievable.

One son more useless than the other.




"..."

What?! You're not quite as useless, is that what you wanted to hear?

"Sometimes I hate you, father."

...

Well, aren't you especially direct today.





Oooooh, it's your wedding daaaaay. Well, I'm sooorry that you haven't yet realized that all women are sirens out to suck all happiness out of you.

"..."

...

"I'm sorry, father."

I need fresh air.






Ah, Gavriil, on your way to train the new recruits? I'll come with you. What's today's lesson?





Fighting wolves?

That sounds like an advanced lesson.

You know what? Give me my sword. With any luck I'll be torn apart.

Havooooooooooc!





Wow, that was quite... an experience. The blood rushing through my veins. My movements instinctive, detached from conscious thought. Like a wrathful spirit had descended on me and driven me into a murderous frenzy. The world around me a blur, seen through a haze. Distinct objects turned into dream-like images.

For a moment there, I could have sworn those wolves were just men in fur coats.




"Uh..."

What?

"..."





"Excuse me, Count Rostislav? Could I have a word?"

Who are you?

"I am Damianos of Hazart, chancellor of Doux Isaakios of Antioch."

...

"Sophia's father?"

...

"The girl who's marrying your oldest son Rurik later today?"

Oh, right. So, you belong to her retinue?

"Not quite. I was sent along with a message."

A message?





Let me get this straight: our kids are not even married yet and already he asks me to drop everything, travel who-knows-how-many miles, leave my possessions defenseless for who-knows-how-long, just so I can get killed by some angry saracen?

"Wow, I thought for sure he had worded it differently..."

...

"But since my liege put it so bluntly, all I can say is that you're exactly right."

I can see why you were chosen for this mission.

"Oh, thank you, my lord. My liege has complete confidence in my abilities."

...





"Mylord! A message from your uncle Vsevolod."

I have a bad feeling about this.





So much taking, so little giving...

Will Rostislav be dragged into another war where there is nothing to gain but glory? Wasn't he totally into glory just last episode? You know, with the whole "Henry V" thing? Will that get him out of his funk or will he be totally depressing from now on, just because his wife got a little action on the side? Let's hope Rostislav cheers up when Out Of Taurica continues!

[Saithis]

Rostislav's new allies seem to be causing trouble...someone needs to do something about these uppity in-laws and cousins! I suggest the grand pastime of murder.

[Avindian]

This one is a lot of fun; keep up the good work!

[Kazmir]

Excellent, will be interesting to see how his sons turn out to be. Poor Rostislav being dragged around the globe by his friends and relatives to fight in their petty wars.

[0Emmanuel]

@Saithis: I'm sure Rostislav would like that idea, but then he looks at the success rating and price of the local assassins guild and just sighs wearily.

@Avindian: Thanks! I'll do my best.

@Kazmir: It's not like Rostislav has anything else to do at the moment.


Next episode airs tomorrow!

[0Emmanuel]

---

Episode 6 - War Is Like Camping, Except Not Really
as told by Rostislav Vladimirovich Rurikovich






So, I have decided that a little warfare will help me forget my troubles at home.

Especially Bastardirina.

Get it? "Bastard" and "Irina"?

Irina is her name?

And she is a bastard?

...

Tough crowd.


Anyway, let's see which war to choose. My son's father-in-law is fighting the Emir of Aleppo.





Hm, looks like the perfect situation for me and a handful of loyal followers to heroically swoop in and save the day.

...

Bwahahahaha!

Yeah, right. I'll take the other one, thank you.






And we're off to the north again.

You may think this endeavour rather pointless, but I can already feel the vast blue sky over the steppes heal my broken heart and banish any thoughts of that vile temptress Gytha and little Bastardirina.

...

Come on! It's funny!

Whatever.


I take all my sons with me, even Vasilko. It'll be like a camping trip. Me and my boys, killing pagans. It's gonna be great!




"..."




"..."





As long as the little idiot stops giving away his sword to random peasants, that is.

I think, I have to talk to him about what "charity" really means.

Mainly, that it's bonkers.





Unsurprisingly, I'm unable to convince him.

But don't think you can spoil daddy's fun, little man.






And neither can you, Volodar.

I mean, can't that wait? We're fighting a war here! Just enjoy it, for cryin' out loud!






It appears we have entered the land where the armed peasants roam free.

It is fascinating to see them in their natural habitat.

They can be a bit stroppy, though, especially in large mobs.





Which is why we'll take the 4 dozen guys over there, trying to look inconspicuous.





It didn't work, guys. We saw you.

Teehee. I'm really starting to enjoy this.

How about you, boys?




"Actually... it's rather fun."




"Yeah. I liked the part where they all ran away screaming."




"Me too."

Ha, that's always my favorite part as well.

You see? I told you we'd have a good time.





Now, who wants to observe the peasants from really up close?

Like, sword's length?





Chaaaarge!

Wait, who are those guys?





Okay, now this is kind of a funny story. When we arrived in Börö...


[audience laughs]


... oh, that's funny?

Pff.

Anyway, when we arrived there was already some pagan chief and his two thousand friends slaughtering the peasants. Not to miss all the action we immediately entered the fray (and might have killed a few of the chief's men, but whatever, right?).

Now, after the battle there was some confusion, because at first we thought he wanted to relieve the local garrison, and he thought we wanted to take his prize away from him. Turns out, he was at war with...

whatshisname

the guy we're at war with, too.

Once he had made it clear that he wanted to besiege the castle and I had made it clear that I really didn't give a damn whether or not my uncle got anything out of this war, we decided to join forces.

He gets a castle called Däüläkän...


[audience laughs]


Oh, give it a rest.

And we get some well-deserved downtime while looking as if we're doing something.

It's great!

So, not only is Rostislav fighting another war just for the heck of it, and bringing his ten year old son along, he's also consorting with heathens? Why, I never! What's next? Satan-worship? Virgin sacrifices? Treating other human beings with dignity? Or will he finally do something actually worthwhile? Don't count on it when Out Of Taurica continues!

[0Emmanuel]

---

Episode 7 - Pleasure Before Business
as told by Rostislav Vladimirovich Rurikovich






Ahhhh. This is great.

Sitting on a hill, watching the besieged castle to our feet slowly succumb to exhaustion and despair, sipping Pina Coladas...
Which reminds me.
Hey you, whatsyourname, servant guy. Could I get another one of these?

Sorry, Kutan, I still don't have the names of your servants down.




"Eh, it's okay. Some of them don't even have names, I think."

Really? Where can I get one of those?

"Hahaha..."

Teehee.

"Even better, in my religion I can marry the female ones.
Well, you know, I could, if my main wife was reasonable."

Hey, at least she doesn't break your heart with some random guy.

"Have you talked to your wife about it?"

Nah. D'you think I should?

"I don't know. But what's the use fighting all the time..."

Yeah...
Ugh, women, right? Can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em.

"You say it, brother..."




"Could you two stop being depressing over there? I'm trying to enjoy my massage here."

You'll get your heart broken yet, son. Just you wait.

Where are your brothers by the way?
Ah, there they are. What were you guys up to?




"We were sitting in the grass, wiggling our toes in the sun."

...

That's right, son, it's the simple things that make life worthwhile.




"Daddy, I've been thinking. Us sitting here like this, and Kutan being so nice and all, does that mean that other religens aren't so bad after all?"

Hm? Yeah, sure, sure.





So, who wants s'mores for dinner?




"Meeeeeee!!!"

"Hahahahaha!"



[Three weeks later.]


Well, the best of vacations have to end sometime.





And so we had to part ways with our new friend, Kutan heading home, and me and my sons heading north, towards some other holdings of...

whatshisname...

the guy we're fighting against...

I should really write his name down.






And soon, we laid siege to Ufa.


[audience laughs]


...

It wasn't quite the same without Kutan and his masseusses.

You should have seen Vsevolod's face, though, when I told him about that nice pagan chief who had claimed the holdings to the south.
Still weeks afterward, I couldn't help but smile at the memory of it.






Another nice surprise: the amount of loot we got from sacking the castle.






Same thing with the town of Shimmy-shimmy.

You know, when everything is said and done, I think we came out ahead money-wise.

Nice.






And so ends the war.

Uncle Vsevolod wasn't as grateful as he could have been, but pointing out repeatedly that the settlements in the area had surrendered to me who then graciously handed over control to him was reward enough.

Well, that, and the cash I made.





Let's go home, fellas!

So, Rostislav had a nice family vacation, made new friends, worked through some relationship issues, pissed off his relatives, and has more money in the end than he had before? Does that mean we can dub this war "moderately successful"? Or even "successful" without the "moderate"? Inconceivable! Find out what other kuh-razy things will happen on the next episode of Out Of Taurica!

[morningSIDEr]

Seemingly a successful holiday; Rostislav's mind taken off worries at home, some good bonding time with his sons and the bullying of peasants. A good time had by all. Well, perhaps not the peasants but too bad for them.

[Werewhale]

I don't think I ever commented here. This is possibly my favourite AAR currently running. So delightful in fact, that I have nominated you for the Weekly AAR Showcase. Congratulations, and please take it as encouragement to update more often.

[0Emmanuel]

@morningSIDEr: Well, this is the middle ages. I doubt that peasants ever have a good time.

@Werewhale: Thank you again for the nomination. It is very much appreciated as well as encouraging.

I apologize for the lack of an update, but the weekend was very family-themed and short on free time. You can look forward to more of Rostislav's adventures coming tomorrow, however!

[Kazmir]

Congratulations 0Emmanuel! I haven't had time to read the last two updates yet, but I will go through them tomorrow.

[Saithis]

Nice vacation! I love how a single letter of CUMANS is bigger than your entire country and then some. Congrats on the award, too!

[mayorqw]

Rotislav's heir has to marry a Knytling! Then, and only then, will the homicidal instincts of both bloodlines create a family of unstoppable killing machines... or maybe just paranoid degenerates. I'm fine with them either way

Some good progress. Let's try to nab some more lands! Also, wouldn't you have anything to gain by submitting to the Emperor? Although his cown authority is obscenely high, I guess the protection and chances for some expansion in disloyal vassals' lands could outset it... Good luck!

[AncalagonBlack]

Entertaining. I have had a few chuckles so far.

+1

[Fookison]

Congratulations, 0Emmanuel on your award! I just caught up on this AAR and must say, that you are doing a very good job on this rendition. Lots of humor and the right amount of text! IMO.

[0Emmanuel]

Thanks for all the nice comments!

@Kazmir: Well, it's three updates now. Better get cracking!

@Saithis: Let's see if we can at least become as big as that C, shall we?

@mayorqw: But the emperor is a Greek! Everybody in Korchev hates Greeks! It might be a good idea to get some additional protection, though, you're right. And I'll keep an eye out for any single Knytling princesses.

@AncalagonBlack: Thanks! I hope you'll keep chuckling.

@Fookison: Welcome aboard! Since my characters have a tendency to ramble on if unchecked I'm glad to hear that the humor/words ratio is just right.

---

Episode 8 - A Well-Executed Plan
as told by Rostislav Vladimirovich Rurikovich





Is everybody here?

Good.

Now, Kirill, what was so important that it couldn't wait until after I had led my victorious army in triumph through the city?




"Mylord, do you remember the mission you sent me on, to the Doux Theodoros of Cherson's lands?"





Of course, you were to... well, 'stir up trouble' was the phrase I used, I believe.

"Indeed. And I have had great success."

You did? Like what? Did you get the Fishermans' Union to strike or something?

"Far better. I managed to... convince certain people close to the Doux that he should not tolerate the oppressive rule of the current Emperor anymore. They have been filling his ears with arguments towards open rebellion and have almost succeeded."

You mean, he is about to raise his banner against his liege?

"Any day now. But that is not all. Do you want to take it from here, Spymaster Yeremey?"




"Yeah, thanks, K-Man. So, while the man Kirill here was working the Doux, my agents were looking around among his subjects for those willing to support the real lord of all of Taurica. In other words: you."

Did they find any?





"Yep. And not just any. Some real big shots, in fact. Barons, city councilmen. And we have reason to believe that, once the Doux turns on the top dog in Constantinople, others will abandon him as well."

I see. And once the Doux makes a move we'll attack?




"Yes, mylord. Everything is prepared. The levies will get a few days rest, but will not be disbanded, so they are ready immediately. And thanks to your successful campaign against the pagans we are also able to afford some mercenaries, if neccessary."

I must say, I'm impressed, gentlemen. You all showed great initiative, determination and teamwork, and worked for the good of the realm in my absence.

What do you think, son? Don't I have the best council this side of Constantinople?




"They have shown themselves to be surprisingly capable. I wouldn't have expected it from them, actually."

...

Remind me to give you a lesson on positive feedback later.

But now we wait.

...






Oh. That was quick.

The Doux... I mean, former Doux of Cherson has set sail for Constantinople. I don't even know what exactly his pretext for rebellion is.






But I don't care.

Holy mother, may you hold your protecting hand over me and my sons and shelter us from harm. And Saint George, may you fill our hearts with courage and guide us to victory.

Hm, that reminds me.

Iakov! Did you ever finish that icon?




"Um, well, I..."

...

"Alright, here it is..."

...

"..."

This... this is terrible.

"I know."

It's so... absolutely hideous. Associating this with Saint George might actually count as blasphemy. I can't even tell which one is him and which one the dragon.

"I'm sorry."

Every second I spent looking at it a little bit of my soul dies. And yet I can't look away.

"Yes. I told you painting wasn't my strong suit."

The understatement of the millenium.

"I'll just... burn it or something..."

Yes, please do.

Or, no.
Who knows, burning it might open the gates of hell or summon a demon.

Iakov, I charge you to travel to the end of the world and drop it off the edge.

"What?!"

It's the only way to be sure.
And wrap it in cloth while travelling, so nobody accidentally takes a look at it.


Now I need something to stave off the darkness that's enveloping my soul.





What?
It worked.

And this whole war thing's got me pretty excited anyway.
It's got Gytha excited as well, I can tell you.






Anyway, let's go!






Since my army is rather small I have hired a mercenary company to increase our numbers.
Why they look like an angry mob of dirty peasants with pitchforks?
Well, I took the cheapest one available.

They can close off a castle just fine, though.
If only through their smell.






Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more,
or close the wall up with our Russian dead!

Or rather, Pecheneg dead.

Could someone tell the mercenaries to go first?

Because they are such... great... warriors!
Yeah, make clear to them how much we admire their martial prowess and stuff.

And promise them some more virgins while you're at it.






Good.
The city is ours.

How far we have come!
Who would have thought but a year ago
that our moment of triumph would be this close.






...

I have no words.

It's just... so beautiful.

Excuse me, I have something in my eye.

Crying? Pfff, could Rostislav be any more of a sissy? You know, apart from the fact that he is rapidly turning into a well-known and successful general? Still, real men don't cry, am I right? Guys? No? Well, we'll see how tough Rostislav really is, once he stops bawlin' like a little girl, in the next episode of Out Of Taurica.

[Fookison]

Sure it wasn't a pitch fork in the eye?

[Kazmir]

Ha! Things seem to be going smooth for Rostislav. He even managed to stir a civil war in the ERE!

[morningSIDEr]

That went surprisingly well, apart from Iakov's artwork that is. I cannot help but feel something awful is about to befall Rostislav as a result.