Episode 3 - Bells
as told by Rostislav Vladimirovich Rurikovich
I'd like to welcome you all on this joyful occasion, my wedding to Princess Gytha of England!
Since speeches are boring, let me just point you to the buffet with everything from pheasant to caviar, and the finest wines of Taurica. Go ahead, enjoy it, it cost me a small fortune. As did Bobby Cuman And The Swingin' Kipchaks, the hottest new band in town.
You better be worth it, guys! Or else, it's the dungeon for you!
I'm kidding! Just play some music!
Anyway, meet the bride!
Turns out, Viacheslav kinda screwed up on the 'Princess' thing. She is the daughter of a king, alright, but, unfortunately, he got killed by some other guy three years ago and her whole family was ousted from power.
So, I guess, she is not techically a princess anymore. But who cares, right? She's kinda cute!
Also, I'm a bit drunk.
Heeeeyyyy, Viacheslav! My man! Viacheslav!
It's okay. I don't care that she's not really a princess.
Hey, where ya goin'?
Whoa, man, you pretty quick for a drunk. Wait up!
Whatya got there? A book? Show me, I love books!
Damn right, I'm your lord. Give me the book!
[This modifier indicates that the character recently had that book event from earlier. It is applied after the first event and stays until the second fires shortly after. Ed.]
Wait, this is that stupid book that guy gave to me. Where'd ya get that?
Really? But I, like, put it where nobody would find it!
"It wath on the firtht thelf by the door."
Are you being smart with me?
I didn't think so. And why aren't you drunk?
"The book inthpired me..."
To turn the natural order of things on its head? What's next? Black is white? Bad is good? The earth revolves around the sun in an elliptical orbit?
Get yourself a flaggon of wine, stat!
Ah, Mitrofan! How is my second-favorite bishop?
"There are only two bishops in your..."
"Well, since you ask..."
"...I have a new falcon."
Yeah, I really don't care.
Gytha! Gythyasha. Gythyashka-mashka. Do you like the party?
D'you wanna present?
"What kind of...?"
How about a horse?
"What would I want with...?"
I saw one at the market the other day that would be perfect for you.
Ah, don't mention it. Everything for my bride! Gimme a kiss!
To the bride, everybody!
Hm, I'm out of wine.
Son! Bring your old man some more wine, willya?
"I won't, father."
"Because you're drunk."
Haha! My son, everybody! An honest lad, if I ever saw one.
Like, the living one, not the dead one. Or, to the dead one, too, I suppose!
I'm still out of wine.
"Ahem, my lord? Would you like to hear the poem I wrote in honor of the occasion?"
Well, of course! What else would I have a poet laureate for? Everybody be quiet! Iakov wants to recite a poem!
There once lived a count by the Black Sea
who went 'bout his days pretty lonely.
And in his distress
sent for a princess
to henceforth be his one and only.
A princess was found who, though kingless,
was clearly a maiden of status.
She thought she would see
a new Achillee
instead he was more a Thersites."
Woooh! Awesome! Everybody, give it up for Iakov!
Huh, glass still empty.
What did you think of the poem, son?
"I found it to be a rather labored attempt, really. I mean, 'Achillee'? Seriously? And wasn't it quite insult..."
Oh, ya big ol' stick-in-the-mud.
Anyway, time for my bride and I to withdraw.
Come on, Gytha!
[The next morning]
Ugh, some idiot left the curtains open and the sun shone directly in my face this morning.
Not a good way to wake up when you're hung over.
And those damn birds!
Shut up, willya?! I mean, I get it, spring is here! Now give it a rest!
And I barely got up and already there is some message waiting. What is it?