Chapter 4: Please call me Duke - Duke Rurik.
Rurik is rushing past the corridors and up the stairs towards his wife's chambers.
Rurik: Let me through, let me through! Where is she?
Feodor: My lord, let her rest, she is still recovering.
Rurik: Nonsense! Out of my way, let me see my son.
Feodor: But my lord, it is a…
Rurik: A girl!? A GIRL? How can that woman give me a girl when I have told her I want a son!? Why would you want to disappoint me like this Anna?
Anna: Are you crazy? You're such a big, stupid baby Rurik. Get him out of here I don't want a sight of him.
Rurik: This is MY castle, woman! I'll go, when I feel like it.
Anna looks like she could explode any moment, so Ingvar interrupts them.
Ingvar: My lord, we should reveal the baby to the commoners. They have gathered en masse in the castle yard. Tell me what her name shall be and I will announce the birth.
Rurik: Hm, what? Oh fine, let's call her... umm...
Anna: Irina, her name will be Irina.
Rurik: But I...!
Ingvar: Very well my lady.
Ingvar picks up the baby and goes out on the balcony with Rurik and some nobles. He holds up the baby to the crowd of a dozen peasants, most of them workers of the castle gardens and begins pronouncing.
Ingvar: People of Korchev, subjects to Rurik of Korchev, hear me! Joyous news have arrived, the lady of our realm has given birth to a healthy baby girl!
The crowd: Hail our lord, hail our lady! Long life to our lord, long life to our lady!
Ingvar: It is my pleasure to announce to you now, that this future princess of Korchev shall go by the name of...
At this moment Boris dashes through the lady's chamber and onto the balcony. As he leans over the edge and sees the crowd he gets excited and begins shouting out loud:
Boris: Bourkabourka! Bourkabourka!
The crowd: All hail Princess Bourkabourka of Korchev! Long life to our Princess! Long life to our lord!
Ingvar: ...Irina...
At least she didn't get to name her.
Back in Rurik's chamber:
Rurik: Oh what a day! To have a daughter named liked that. And my dear Anna hardly speaks to me anymore. I need to amend her in some way. But now... now I think I'm just going to take a little nap.
Rurik has barely closed his eyes when someone calls for him.
Voice: Rurik, count of Korchev, son of Rurik.
Rurik: Huh? Who's there?
Voice: I have a task for you.
Rurik: Who are you? Reveal yourself!
Voice: Behold! I am the ghastly spirit of a united Russia! And you, Rurik, son of Rurik, you are my chosen one.
Rurik: Gasp! A talking spider? Am I going crazy?
The Spirit: No, I'm over here you idiot!
The Spirit: My son, as I have spoken I have a task for you.
Rurik: I don't take any orders from imaginary ghosts, go away!
The Spirit: I warn you, Rurik, I am no creation of your imagination.
Rurik: So... you say you're the spirit of a united Russia? Hah! We Russians are hardly united, in fact the Moors probably get better along with the Castilians than my uncles with each other.
The Spirit: *Sigh* That is exactly my point, young Rurik. I told you I have a task for you. Your uncles are hopelessly stubborn and simple-minded. You are still young and fresh, still fit for moulding. I want you to work for me, to work towards uniting the Russian people.
Rurik: Me? I know I am capable for anything, but let's be honest - I have hardly any power at all 10 miles outside my castle!
The Spirit: Yes... we need to make you stronger. I shall help you, young Rurik. I shall make you great still. Look towards the Kingdom of the Georgians. They are weak, they are fractured. The people of Abkhazia yearn for freedom. Do you not hear their calling? They want you Rurik, they want you to come and aid them. Let them into your realm, young Rurik, let them make you stronger.
Rurik: Abkhazia? Hmm... I guess I could invade Abkhazia. That would make a me a... triplecount, wouldn't it? But how on earth can I when I don't have any claim to those lands.
Ingvar: My lord, I might have an idea.
Rurik: Ingvar! What are you doing here? Can you see him too?
Ingvar: See whom?
Rurik: Well this... where did he go?
Ingvar: Who was it? I just came in and heard you talking of invading Abkhazia.
Rurik: Never mind. What kind of an idea did you have?
Ingvar: Well, I just came up with this silly idea one evening, but I guess you might like to hear it. What if we sent some men into Abkhazia, secretly handing out little parchments to the locals which would state that the holder of this paper is, in fact, a Russian? That way, no one could object to us incorporating the province into our realm. The peasants can't read, so they wouldn't object to taking those papers if we give some food to go with it.
Rurik: What a stupid idea, but I guess it's better than nothing. Go ahead with it Ingvar.
I can't believe it worked!
Phew, that was weird. Well, with that out of the way I can get back to my ordinary routines.
I decided to build a palisade in Bosphoros because apparently, erecting some logs around your castle increases the peasants' fertility and our tax revenues.
Arachnophobic Tibetan monk - did I choose the right man for my plans?
Hmph! How does Boris manage to disappoint me at every turn? Raising a killing machine is not an easy task. I have instructed my guards to beat the kid whenever they see him, that should make him fierce!
Some odd writer approached me with quite a smirk on his face, proposing to write my family chronicle. You should have seen his face when he found out I'm a Rurikid.
Because I wasn't before!
It sure was expensive, but what a family I have! I had heard of my namesake forefather, but all these great people in our family! I truly am the greatest of the great, I really am entitled to
anything!
And wham! I am a
duke now!
Her father finally died and Anna moved to Uglich in Rostov. She still doesn't speak to me but it'll get better. Now that I'm called a duke
no one may stand in my way!
What? My own stepmother? How dares she! My little Bourkabourka, my dear little girl.
Chain her up and let her rot forever!
Oh we are complaining now, are we? It's oubliette-time for you, mama!
She died less than a year later.
I decided to change the order of succession so the realm wouldn't be split again. Some mayors and bishops didn't like it but why should I care, I'm a duke now.
More fortune-hunters arrived to my castle, begging for some money for their obscure artistic pursuits. Most of them I threw into the sea but this young painter seemed promising. We came to a conclusion that since no one knew how St. George really looked like, it would be best for me to act as a model for him.
A call to arms! Although I generally despise my relatives, there's some obligations you must uphold. And who knows? This might be my chance for glory!
We Rurikids always stick together!
Most of my uncles answered the call as well, except for those bastards in Novgorod. Even my wife decided to make peace with Volhynia.
I lead my mighty army into Kuban, only to find out how miserably weak we are. They didn't even mind us! The defenders just laughed at us when we tried to siege the castle of Khumar. If only they had obliterated us, but no, they just ignored us completely - as if we were nothing but thin air.
This will not do!
I gathered my men and marched towards Azov. There we would show our might and sow terror into the hearts of the Cuman people!
But it was all the same. They even mocked us by sending some food from the castle to us, telling us they thought us to be wandering beggars!
We decided to pack our bags and head back home.
And if such a humiliation wasn't enough, as soon as we get back home, I see Boris handing out his sweets to peasant children, blabbering something about equality in face of god and good conduct towards fellow men. Enough! I took away all his sweets and gave him a good old beating. From now on, I have prescribed him to be beaten at every chance. We must cleanse this little devil of all pure-hearted thoughts.
Oh Lord, what have I done to deserve this little? I should have so much more.
A character appears from the shadows nearby.
Bishop Davyd: My child, I hear your pain.
Rurik: Christ! You startled me!
Bishop Davyd: My dear child, I might have a solution to your trouble.
Rurik: Father, I feel pain in my heart. Life is treating me unjustly.
Bishop Davyd: Yes, yes. I know my child. It is because you have abandoned your Lord.
Rurik: Nonsense! I go to church every Sunday!
Bishop Davyd: Ah but my child, it is the wrong faith you embrace. You have listened to the lies of heretics all your life. Let me guide you to the right path.
Rurik: Hmm... what does this 'proper' faith have to offer for me then?
Bishop Davyd: Everything my child, everything! It will raise you to new heights altogether! Come my child, follow me and let me teach you the Word.
Rurik: Well, I guess it can't hurt, can it?