The Great Men of Korchev - What Became of the Unfotunate Branch of Rurikids

It was a fine sunny day at Count Rostislav's castle by the shores of the Black Sea. He was hurrying through the corridors and up the many stairs (two, really - there were only three floors in his mighty castle) to tell certain news to his best friend Feodor, who also happened to be his jester, butler, chef and chief of intelligence, as well as a world-renowned mystic of such obscurity that even he himself rarely understood his own works.

*Knock knock!*

Rostislav: Feodor! Feodor, are you all right? What was that noise? Let me in Feodor!
Feodor: Ahm... come on in friend, I uh... I hope you don't mind the mess...
Rostislav: *Sniff sniff* What on earth is that smell? Like if you had had a barbecue in your room. What has happened to your curtains?
Feodor: Smell? What smell? I don't smell anything... I was just doing some refurnishing.
Rostislav: And what is that dead cat doing here?
Feodor: The what? I... I ah... I don't know.
Rostislav: Really now Feodor, have you been practising some weird occultism again?
Feodor: No, definitely not! I just... have these weird urges every now and then.
Rostislav: Urges? What kind of urges could you possibly have towards a dead cat??
Feodor: A dead cat...? Oh no, no, not towards the dead cat, I really don't know where that came from. You see, what I mean is that sometimes...
Rostislav: Oh god! Is that a dead woman behind your bed!? Feodor, what have you done! Why have you slit her open like that? And my God, is that her liver on a plate?
Feodor: I... I...
Rostislav: Don't tell me you were trying to read the future from her entrails, Feodor.



Feodor: Uh I... Wait, did you have some news for me?
Rostislav: …
Feodor: What?
Rostislav: Do you really think we can just leave this at that?
Feodor: Oh come on, she was only a peasant. Now what is so important that you had to see me?
Rostislav: Hmph, very well then, but you really do turn my stomach sometimes Feodor. Anyway, I have decided to get married my friend!
Feodor: What? Married?? But my lord that goes against the ages old Korchevian tradition of the counts not knowing their own mother!
Rostislav: Oh damn it Feodor, screw tradition! Do you have any idea what it’s like to wake up one morning and find an unfamiliar child at your doorsteps smiling and calling you ‘papa’? And even worse is when they ask you who their ‘mommy’ is and you have no clue with whom you’ve even slept! I’m fed up of doing it blindfolded!
Feodor: Sigh… Very well my lord, I guess it is up to you. But don’t come crying to me if the commoners get outraged by your radicalism!
Rostislav: I really don’t think they care…
Feodor: To be honest my friend, I never thought you could possibly get married.
Rostislav: What do you mean?
Feodor: Come one now, you're not exactly the dream husband, Count of Korchev.
Rostislav: And what is that supposed to mean?
Feodor: Well it's no use denying that our situation looks quite dim. What kind of a girl would marry a man whose destiny lies at the depths of a rival lord's dungeon? You can bet we are going to have a cartload of trouble ahead of us, trust me - I foresaw it in her... Never mind.

@loki100: I'm very happy to hear you liked it! I hope I can keep it up in the future too.
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Chapter 1: The most splendiferous reign of his excellency count Rostislav of Korchev.




This is me. My father was the Duke of Novgorod and some say I have fallen quite a bit in station, but they're just jealous of my tan.

Now you might ask why am I wearing a hood? Well have you ever seen what a hood does to one's character? You instantly become mysterious and authoritative, someone who can just slowly nod his head and say "hmmm...." and everyone will stand silent in awe of your wisdom. I mean, there's a world of difference between having a hood and not having one! Let me demonstrate you.



Besides, it is fun to sneak behind people and when they turn around, tell them something along the lines of: "I have seen you in my visions. Mhhmm..."



I married this beautiful Georgian lady, the only unfortunate thing about it all is that I thought she was the daughter of a King. I was thinking of returning her to the sender, but her father said I'd have to pay back the dowry too.

I found out about my mistake on our first night together. While we were lying in bed, caressing each other, I began talking passionately to her how we would murder all of her brothers and nephews out of our way and how our sons would then rule all of Georgia.

She felt a bit awkward. I think it's because she was embarrassed of my silly mistake.



Hmm? What now? The Emperor asking MY opinion on his crown authority? What next? The Pope enquiring about my views on burning heretics?

But I told him he could go ahead with his plans. I felt very powerful at that moment, he promised to send me a shipful of gold and beautiful virgins as a gesture of good will.







I'm still waiting.





Since I'm a Rurikovich and have some uncles and whatnot in power all over Russia it occurred to me I might be in line to inherit some juicy large duchy in the north. I sent Feodor to go through the family genealogy and this is what he found out:



Well that's quite a bunch of titles right there! Unfortunately there's two brats ahead of me in the line of succession.



Feodor and I came to a conclusion that it would be best to get rid of them while they are still children, but then we discovered that assassins are mighty expensive. I mean, that's more than my salary from two years combined!

We began running a fund-raising campaign in the realm with a poster depicting a little boy and a text running below it saying: "Help your liege put a dagger through this devil!"

It wasn't very successful.



I also had some sad news... my Bishop hanged himself one morning. He was always so gloomy, muttering something about women and priesthood, but I never took his threats seriously.

At first I thought I could never get over his death and the guilt burdening my shoulders, but I then discovered that impaling bears is pretty good therapy.



After we got back from the forest, there was an ambassador from Turov waiting for us, asking us to join them in a war against Penchegs...

Pechengs...

Pen...

Well, anyway, apparrently the Duke is my uncle so I decided to go ahead and help him out by sending an angry letter to the Chief of P...

Oh yes and my Chancellor Ingvar visited me too. He had found out that Abkhazia is, in fact, Russian.


What's going on in our neighbourhood...

In 1068, about two years into our (more or less) happy marriage, my wife gave birth to our first son (I already had 2 sons and a daughter with some other woman, but don't ask me who, for I have not a clue).

She was going to name him Dmitriy, but I wanted a better name. Something very manly, something that gives you the impression that this bloke falls a dozen bears every morning with his bare hands - for practice.

I decided to call him Boris.



My family keeps growing, perfect.


Wait - we are collecting taxes? Then why are my coffers constantly empty? I think I need to consult my steward...

One of my mayors approached me on the issue of taxes. He began sobbing how unfair it is that he and his buddies must pay anything at all. Now their coffers are empty and they can no longer afford their lavish dinner parties. I was beginning to soften at the mayors story of how he could no longer afford a third mistress, but then I discovered that he is richer than I am!

Empty coffers my a**.


I really don't like liars.

How do you like it now, huh?


In October 1069 we finally had enough funds to put an end to my cousins life and I told Feodor to go ahead with our plans.



Oh that is just great... how hard can it be to kill one teenager??

That's a two years income down the drain and on top of that, everybody now considers me a dishonourable scum. Even my maids look me down their noses. I don't think things could be any worse than this.

@loki100: Hehe, it's amusing that the only proper way of uniting the Rurikovich family is by liquidating half its members. And incompetence you say? Hmm, I've got plenty of that in stock.

@Alexanderbrand: Glad you like it! I can guarantee there's plenty more of that to come.

@naggy: Thanks, I'll forward your compliment to the Duke of Rostov.

@Veneke: Go ahead, they're actually very fun to play. I'm currently in early 1110s (ohh, spoilers!) and it's been a rocky road, but you are not completely helpless with half of Russia controlled by your family.



I'll try to give you next update tomorrow.

@0Emmanuel: Oh by all means go ahead and post it! There's always enough room for more than one AAR of the same realm. And thank you for the compliments!

@Firefly21: Thanks! Well well, if the AI can make it so can I (or then not...). This is actually my first time playing on this side of the map, so I have no idea how things usually evolve in the east. I'll just have to cross my fingers and hope for the best.

@JaithWraith: Thanks, I definitely will.
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Chapter 2: A House Divided





Daddy!

Daddy?

...daddy...?

Rurik: Uncle Ingvar, where's daddy?
Ingvar: Your daddy's in Heaven, my boy.
Rurik: What's Heaven? Where is it?
Ingvar: It's where great men like your father fly to when their time has come. And I don't know where it is! Go to the priests with your silly questions kid, I have a county to run here!



Uncle Ingvar is real nice when he's on a good mood. They made him my regent because he's really good at talking to people.

He has to be because he's ugly.



That's me!



That's my brother Volodar... I don't like my brother...

They gave him half of my realm because of some stupid law. I don't like laws.

I asked Uncle Ingvar to send our troops there and take it back but he said he can't do it because we're allied in a war. I really don't like that.


I wonder how they found it out.

Rurik: What's a homosexual?
Feodor: Uhh... it's when two men commit sin together.
Rurik: So like you and daddy?
Feodor: What? No! We were just murderers, there was nothing more between us!
Rurik: So it is better to be a murderer than a homosexual?
Feodor: Off with you kid, I have assassinations to plan here!

When I grow up I wanna be a sinner just like my daddy!



Uncle Iziaslav kicked those pagans in their butts! Haa haa!


A depressed cynic - no better man to teach your kids.

As a count I get to choose who will be teaching me. I picked Uncle Sudislav because he lets me do whatever I want to!



Nanananaa! No worries of tomorrow!



He started it!









Really!



Rurik: Everybody loves me don't they, Uncle Sudislav!
Sudislav: There's no point in love...
Rurik: I have so many friends now!
Sudislav: Friends are useless... There's no true friendship, only opportunists who will betray you at the first chance.
Rurik: Why are you always so sad Uncle Sudislav?
Sudislav: I'm not sad, I'm just a realist.
Rurik: Sooo... can I go now? I really don't feel like learning anything today.
Sudislav: Yes yes, whatever. Do what you want - nothing matters...

I then went to ask something from Uncle Feodor.

Rurik: Uncle Feodor! Uncle Feodor!
Feodor: Yes my liege?
Rurik: I really don't like my brother. Can you kill him?
Feodor: My boy, it is very expensive to murder someone, we don't really have the funds right now and...
Rurik: Pleeeeease!
Feodor: We really can't afford it, maybe when you are a bit older!
Rurik: Pleasepleasepleasepleasepleaseplease!
Feodor: FINE! Just... stop yelling at me already, Jesus. All right, all right. We'll go and put an end to him.



Yay! I'm a doublecount now!


That's not good, is it?

Everybody in the court now calls me Kinslayer! What a cool name!



What contract? I really don't like contracts... He's such a stupid man!



After a while everybody cooled down and things went back to normal - except that I was now a doublecount!


The man doesn't seem to be apt for anything else than Bishoping really.

Uncle Iliya approached me one morning asking if he could be my new Bishop. I told him he can, but he must first let me ride on his back around the castle. We had lots of fun together!


Sometimes with a dagger in the back.

That's me - everybody loves me!


Guess his vassals didn't like the crown laws after all.

The really evil Greeks south of us went mad and began killing each other because they didn't like how the emperor spoke to them. That's so cool! I wish I could take part but Uncle Ingvar tells me we don't really have an army for it.

Or the funds.


I'll take that hood now, if you don't mind.

But it's not Uncle Ingvar making decisions here any more, hah!


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So, after almost 10 years into the game I am literally back where I began - and that's actually progress when you think about it. Hopefully Rurik can turn the tide soon.

@loki100: Well it sure is more fun to go downhill than uphill...

@nappy: Ah yes the Kindlsayer Kid, I think remember that. Wasn't it that one movie which saw mediocre success among teenage-audience, was then turned into film series with several sequels that were complete flops but still made considerable financial profit? Hmm... or maybe I'm mixing it up with something else.

@Tanzhang (譚張): Thank you, glad you enjoy it! And about the occultist event: I don't know what it is supposed to do, but it did nothing for me. I chose the "I've got to tell everyone about it" option and nothing happened, no one gained new traits or lost anything and it didn't seem to affect the liege-vassal opinion either.

@Slaughter: Thanks a lot! And here you go.
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Chapter 3: Rurik's First Steps

An adult at last! Now I can finally do whatever I want to!


...


Hmm... no, actually they always let me do whatever I wanted to.


I thought everybody loved me?

The first thing any sensible man would do at 16 is to find himself a girl - or two.

Only problem is that everybody seems to consider me a bad husband! I went around asking for the daughters of my neighbours and even far abroad but they just shook their heads and laughed at me, then made me slip off through the servants entrance as not to be seen with me.

I was really angry, I wanted to cut their throats but Feodor told me we couldn't afford it. I really don't like my neighbours.



And so I had to marry my own cousin...

After they found out that I had managed to marry myself into the house Rurikovich (heh... heh...), everybody suddenly liked me a bit more.

My wife is second in line to inherit the Duchy of Rostov and now I only need to kill her brother for her to ascend to the throne. She got really excited about the idea and we've spent long nights together envisioning the bright future we're going to have together. I think I'm in love.

I have written a little sonnet for her:

Oh I wish I was a man much bolder.
Our souls conjoined, together as we lie,
When his skull is crushed by a pretty large boulder,
I crave to have prescribed another way to die.

His eyes would we poke with pointy little sticks,
You could crush his fingers, while I would slit his throat.
Such an exciting procedure, would give us quite a kick.
I know you so well, and what would rock your boat.

When comes the time that we must part our ways,
Deep down in my heart I have this secret wish,
That with brilliant joy you could cherish those days,
And not need to consider my art to have been kitsch.

Oh lovely Anna, when again I may hold your hands,
I will surely let you be the queen of all my lands.

We are made for each other.


What is this man doing in my prison?

One evening while I was having my daily stroll in the dungeons a guard approached me:

Guard: Sir, sir – what shall we do with our prisoner, sir?
Rurik: Prisoner? What prisoner?
Guard: This Cuman lying in our jail here.
Rurik: Who is he, how did he get there?
Guard: We don’t know sir, we just found him in chains here one evening. What shall we do with him?
Rurik: How am I supposed to know what to… wait – I know! Let’s behead him!
Guard: A splendid idea my lord!


I had a little problem for a while, which was that I couldn't decide what to do with my half-brother Boris.



He is so dumb he can't even talk yet at the age of six. All he keeps saying is "bourkabourka!" which he keeps yelling all day long. I think the whole court will soon go insane because of him.

Anyway, some days ago I had this brilliant idea - I will turn him into a proper killing machine! A completely mindless, blindly loyal creature who is only concerned with how to best smash your opponents into pieces. I'm a genius!



Of course, things don't always work as planned...

Locked into a little cage for a week with some arachnids can do miracles though.


Just like daddy, but better!

It was time to put our schemes into action. I instructed Feodor to go ahead and try our luck with Anna's brother Vladimir. It went smoothly.



See? She is next in line. And after her, our future son will unite our realms for good!



And if the death of his only son wasn't enough, Uncle Vsevolod was having other problems looming in the horizon.

Of course I had to decline. Why would I want to wreck my wife's inheritance?



Oh come on don't be such a pussy! "Boohoohoo! The evil peasants poked me with their pitchforks!"

Take some men with you, go back to the village, burn their houses, impale their eldest sons, confiscate their most beautiful maidens and let them know that if they refuse to pay again, next time will be worse.



See? It's not that hard.

I also found out that my wife is pregnant. Oh Anna, how I love you!

But it wasn't just good news I had this year. I was very concerned when Feodor suddenly disappeared, until the Duke of Nikomedia sent a letter explaining the situation:


His name is now in my little black book.

I laughed aloud when the Duke agreed to my ransom - he has no backbone! If I was him I would have scorched Feodor alive, then sent him back one body part at time.

This little incident reminds me, it is probably a time to take a look at my wonderful council.



Oh yes, the people of Korchev are in good hands.



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Sorry for the long delay, I can rarely find time to update on weekends. I know not this is proceeding quite slowly but don't worry, there will be plenty of action to come.