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Best of luck with the coming war, God is on Rurik's side! Which God I'm still not quite sure.

Technically speaking, wouldn't it be the same God? Unless Rurik decides to convert to Tengriism or something..

Brilliant update, I really loved Vasilko's foolhardy attempts to become spymaster, despite the fact his wife to be has a higher intrigue stat than he does.
 
@Ivir Baggins: Indeed! And I can guarantee there will be many more to come.

@Morsky:
Thanks, I hope the intervention will be fruitful.

@morningSIDEr:
Thanks for that! I'm sure God is most pleased with Rurik's attempts to entertain him, which might prove to be of some value when he needs to weigh whether to side with Rurik or the dull Georgians. That, or then he is on the verge of despair over having created such a buffoon.

@0Emmanuel: I believe it is - if there only were some heretics to hunt for. ;)

@loki100:
Thanks, I believe mad staring eyes are one of the few things he possesses that would be of benefit for him as a spy.

@Tanzhang (譚張):
Thanks! And I'm sure the Tengri God (or Gods, I'm not very familiar with Tengrist theology) would be most pleased to have such a man running rampant in the Christendom. :p
 
@Tanzhang (譚張):[/B] Thanks! And I'm sure the Tengri God (or Gods, I'm not very familiar with Tengrist theology) would be most pleased to have such a man running rampant in the Christendom. :p

well I've climbed what is now Khan Tengri and there definitely was only one of them ... fortunately
 
well I've climbed what is now Khan Tengri and there definitely was only one of them ... fortunately

*Googles Khan Tengri*

Nice! Did you climb all the way to the top? That's quite a feat!
 
Chapter 6: Liberation, Disaffection, Insurrection


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Onwards, you brave men of Korchev! Let us show those blasted Georgians who are the true lords of the Black Sea!




And the first one to say "Greek" will be a head shorter!

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Well this is starting off brilliantly...

You imbeciles let yourselves be raided by bandits? You're professional soldiers, you need to stop staring at the enemy walls and watch your back!

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No no no no, now you're all facing the wrong way! Christ, it is hard to find good fodder with brains these days.

Luckily, my secret weapon is ready to be unveiled! *Drumroll*

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And what a beard!

Ta-daa! See? I managed to raise the perfect killing machine - his head is completely void of all information and thought apart from how to best obliterate my enemies. No personality, no intellectual activity, no will of his own - and he's blindly loyal, too!

Rurik: Boris, come here. Come here, Boris.
Boris: Uurhh... Boris... smash... enemy... hurrrr....
Rurik: Go on Boris, you are my marshal now, show those Georgians our might. Yes yes, here's a cookie - good boy!

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Feodor: Psst! My liege, I have discovered that Vasilko is plotting to murder your son.
Rurik:What? Vasilko? Why would he do such a thing??
Feodor: Something about proving his proficiency in “the trade” to you and wishing "really really much to be the heir." He was really excited about it all, didn’t really get much out of his details for the plan, if he had any.
Rurik: Wait – he told you all this?
Feodor: Of course, he came to me for advice and assistance. Kept blabbering something about me getting old already and probably wishing to retire soon, and needing someone to continue my work from where I have left it. What an insult it was - I’m only 63!
Rurik: Damn that idiot, we need to do something about him.
Feodor: Shall I cut his throat my liege? Like in the good old times, remember?
Rurik: No, not this time, I need him for breeding.
Feodor: Sigh, a pity.
Rurik: Just throw the bastard in jail.

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Good. I'm eventually going to have to let him out but let's make sure we can profit at least in some way from this.

Vasilko: Please, please let me out I was just kidding with you all!
Rurik: You should be glad I didn’t impale you or throw into the sea for this.
Vasilko: I never really planned to kill your son! It was all just a bad bad joke!
Rurik: Fine, I’ll let you out on one condition:
Vasilko: Anything!
Rurik: You’ll stop yapping about that spy thing immediately and never mention it again.
Vasilko: I promise, I promise! Oh thank you brother!

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Let's hope that'll keep him in check for a while.

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Hmm... my wife, who resides over 1000 kilometres to the north, gets pregnant while I am fighting the savage Georgians. Usually I would get dubious about this, but I trust my wife. It could be just an ordinary miracle, after all.

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Rurik: Boris my dear half-wi... half-brother, how is the war going?
Boris: Hurrggh... Georgia kaput!

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Oh come on stop frowning, you're still a King! For a while...

Excellent, thank you King Ratbag. I wonder where you got your nickname from.

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Beautiful! Breathtakingly beautiful!

To think that from this day on, I shall not be ruling the smallest of the Black Sea realms any longer! But it is not enough... I still only rule a sandbox while I want a whole beach - no, my very own desert! More... more... more!

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"Daddy - can I live in a tub?"

What's wrong with cynicism? My good girl, it is perfectly fine to realise what a lousy, hopeless and evil place this little world of ours is - that way it is easier to top the charts!


Rurik: So Boris, how do you like your wife, eh?
Boris: Hurr... Boris no like... woman no want shag-shag... urmh...
Rurik: Shag-shag? What do you...?

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Rurik: ...Ooooohhhh, so that's why she spends so much time with my mistresses! Wait - what a horrible thought! No - what an exhilarating thought! Just to think if I managed to catch them all in... No, Rurik, what are you thinking! They're cheating on you... but does this really count? Technically speaking if I were to oversee the act it wouldn't be. Hmm, yes, what an apt solution!

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A title? You want a title? Really?

Okay.

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It's a great honour! Trust me.

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Ah another son, excellent. But unlike my wife, I don't want to name him after my imbecile father. He shall go by Ivan - there just happens to be something very terrible about that name, hard to say why.

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Oppressive? I'm not oppressive!

Hey what is this! I thought they wanted us there! Ah, you should never trust the peasant rabble. I must send in the tanks- I mean horsemen at once!

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Those are some nasty peasants right there!

Christ! They annihilated my whole army! What on earth will I do now? I must...

Where's Feodor?

Feodor?

Feodor?

Feodor...?

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Ach not again! Fine, I'll pay you that 10 gold again you sly little Greek devil.

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Oh damn you, you little... little... little Greek you! What now? I must find myself a new spymaster. Hmm...

Vasilko: *cough* *cough*

Yes, Vasilko? Did you have something important to tell us?

Vasilko: Oh no, just having a little cough that's all!

I see, but whom should I pick for such a delicate...

Vasilko: Ahem! *cough* *COUGH* *COUGH*

Really Vasilko, you must have caught cold. You should go put on something warmer.

Oh yes but why didn't I think of this earlier! He's perfect for the job and has been aspiring after it for a long time now. I shall of course appoint my dearest and closest of all, my own...

Vasilko: Yes!

...good friend mayor Gagiki of Tshkoumi as my new soymaster! He'll do great, I'm sure of it.
 
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great stuff again ... Boris as a sort of ... well a sort of Boris Karloff monster, poor Feodor off to jail & Vasilko jumping up and down shouting 'pick me. pick me'

Re Khan Tengri, aye got to the top when I was a lot younger and fitter. In the final years of the USSR it became easier to get visas if you had an invite and it was for something organised and sporting. So we teamed up with a Soviet climbing club & went to the Tien Shan in 1990. Utterly brutal, brilliant climbing, Scotland has a bit of a tradition around 'climb it and worry about getting off it later' but the Soviet ethos was completely focussed on getting to the top and they cut all sorts of corners.
 
@loki100: Thanks. And that sounds great! I remember dreaming of becoming a mountaineer when I was a kid. Had an autograph from the first Finn to climb Everest and from some other mountain goers and I just tried to absorb all knowledge having something to do with mountains and climbing into my mind - heights, locations, equipment, stories of climbers etc. etc. Never realised those dreams and to this day I haven't climbed anything higher than large rocks. :D

@Waringham: Glad you liked it! I guess the beatings did their job.
 
soymaster? Is Rurik lactose-intolerant? :D

Poor Boris, thick as a plank and a cuckold as well. At least he doesn't have to worry about his wife giving birth to a bastard! Hopefully Ivan will turn out better, or his sake at least.
 
@Tanzhang (譚張): Haha, this is why you should always proof-read your text before posting. :D Luckily some typos just add to the flavour.

@Athalcor: Thanks! And welcome aboard!

So, I was going to post an update just now, but Photobucket seems to have decided to screw me over. Tells me I have exceeded bandwidth limit (some of the pictures on earlier posts have also disappeared...).

Does anyone know a better uploading site where I can upload the previous and future images? Luckily I still have all of them saved on hard drive.
 
@Tanzhang (譚張): Haha, this is why you should always proof-read your text before posting. :D Luckily some typos just add to the flavour.

@Athalcor: Thanks! And welcome aboard!

So, I was going to post an update just now, but Photobucket seems to have decided to screw me over. Tells me I have exceeded bandwidth limit (some of the pictures on earlier posts have also disappeared...).

Does anyone know a better uploading site where I can upload the previous and future images? Luckily I still have all of them saved on hard drive.

The Photobucket problem is that your AAR is over-popular :D.

But you could use imageshack as a provisional solution.

E: Maybe you are using too big pictures? Do you use bmps/pngs or JPEGs?
 
@Athalcor: I use JPEGs and they shouldn't be too large. I don't really like imageshack, I find it somehow difficult to use, but thanks for the advice.

@BaronVonHarry: Welcome and sorry for the trouble. :)

All the older posts should be fixed now, but about half of the images were still working so I didn't bother to replace them. If you notice them going broken as well, please inform me.

Anyway, I will post the new update later today as well.
 
Chapter 7: At Least My Wife is Not a Fencing Dwarf



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Uh oh, Boris, my dear brother - for some reason I don't think you are apt for governing anything larger than a small hen house. Without any hens, that is.

I still have those rebels to deal with...

Captain Sermon: What do my valorous ears hear, is that the sound of a benevolent lord in trouble?
Rurik: Christ! Who are you? What on earth are you doing under my bed??
Captain Sermon: I am always where there are wrongs to right, and where the people need me! My name is Sermon, Captain Sermon and I lead a small band of brave men who are ready to tackle any band of ruffians threatening the innocent. Our rates are also reasonable.
Rurik: Well that... eh... sounds perfect! Would you be willing to slaughter some Abkhazian peasants for me? Naturally, I am willing to pay the fair market price.
Captain Sermon: Why of course, and we never charge in advance due to our unconventional ways.
Rurik: Unconcentional ways...?
Captain Sermon: Yes - you see, we follow the non-violent approach.

This will be interesting.

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Rurik and the mercenaries arrive to Abkhazia. The men are about to approach a rebel castle in the distance as one of the soldiers halts Rurik.

Mercenary: Please, don't follow them. We will stay here and watch from a distance - trust me, it is for the best.
Rurik: But I...
Mercenary: It is for your own good.

The men halt near the castle, right outside the range of archers. Captain Sermon steps forward, spreads his arms into the air and begins bellowing in his mighty tenor voice.

Captain Sermon: You the fair citizens of Abkhazia! I come bestowing a message - God is in each of us! He loves and embrrrraces you all! Open your hearts and let your souls be purified. The Devil might have polluted you but it is never too late to turn away!

Suddenly he becomes more formal and restrained and opens up the Bible he has been carrying. His voice turns into an indescribably annoying screeching wail.

Captain Sermon: I will now proceed to read you some important excerpts from the Book, then we shall go into more details about God's mercy and His love for each of us, and study the theological arguments in support for both. I shall also lecture you about the lives and histories of all the saints and popes to this day and then we can arrange ourselves into groups of four or five and discuss what we have learned today. Anyway, here we go...

After an hour of torment Rurik began feeling dizzy and his head began aching. Every second felt like an hour and his eyes were beginning to fail him. He glanced at the mercenary next to him and was surprised to see him listening eagerly, as well as the thousand other men standing in front of the castle wall. His view began getting distorted and everything was swirling in his eyes; his cochlea could no longer keep up with the pain and he fainted.

Rurik: Uuugh... where am I?
Mercenary: My lord, you lost your consciousness seven hours ago. The siege is now over and the city is yours again.
Rurik: That's... that's most surprising! So the lectures really paid off? The peasants laid down their weapons just like that when they heard of the mercy of God?
Mercenary: Haha! Oh no, it never goes like that. After eight hours had passed and the Captain was about to begin his lecture on the life and deeds of the most interesting Saint Ammon, one of us suggested to the Captain that maybe we should sneak in and check if the peasants are ready to be engaged in person. We found them all dead when we went inside, most of them squeezing their bleeding ears with their hands. Some had burrowed their heads into the ground, others simply cut their own throat. It always goes like this. The Captain will be quite depressed for the next few days but he'll get over it, we always encourage him and tell him that one day he will find more worthy students like ourselves.
Rurik: ...I'm speechless.... You must be truly devoted to be able to stand that man's voice for eight hours straight. Wait, are those some of your men I see laying dead on the field?
Mercenary: Ah yes, we always take some casualties. New recruits don't always listen to our advice to stuff old porridge into their ears before the Captain begins. I am sorry for not instructing you, I thought the distance would be adequate. Luckily nothing worse happened. Anyway, we will now collect our pay and then we're off. We had a message that the King of Hungary might be needing some assistance in dealing with unruly relatives.

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How impressing!

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He likes gardening.

Elsewhere the Duke of Kartli continues his struggle against his oppressive uncle. They call him Davit 'the mad' for a reason.

And elsewhere still the Duchy of Alania has attacked the Muslim Duchy of Derbent.

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Time for me to strike for a slice too!

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I also had my first nephew! I hope he turns out just like his father.

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Thank you Ingvar, of course I will use it. I deserve it.

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What I am trying to capture from the Derbentians is a single province of Kakheti in the mountains of Georgia. This will probably be like a walk in a park with the Alanians watching our backs.

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A lone courtier called Mikhail arrives to my court to leech off my wallet. He's not very good at anything but I decided to let him marry one of my earlier courtiers, Olena. She is a fencing dwarf-lady. I hope you two will be happy together!

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Hey, my son is supposed to inherit that!

Things are not going too well for my wife. Poor Anna, being attacked from left and right. Infidels from one side and her own uncle from the other.

Of course I must help her!

At least with moral support.

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Apparently she was also pregnant. Twin daughters, how sweet!

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Kess is finally an adult and Vasilko can stop worrying about his life. Now, I'm not a psychiatrist, but when a person is at the same time kind, charitable and trusting as well as a cynic there must be something wrong with her. I must keep an eye out for this lady. Who knows what's going on in her head!

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Kakheti is mine! Well, not quite. Those Derbentians still think they can win this war although all their armies have been obliterated and most of their homeland lies in ruins and under enemy command.

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You look so happy together!

Gah! Another leech comes knocking at my gates. This time from as far as Ethiopia! Well, perhaps she will be happy with my steward Igor. I just hope they don't reproduce.



Somewhere in the Caucasus.


Ingvar: My liege, the last of men our enemy has managed to muster are hiding somewhere within those woods.
Rurik: Good, let's charge them immediately and be done with it.
Ingvar: But sir, shouldn't we profess some caution? Who knows, it might be an ambush.
Rurik: Caution? Ha! It's 360 of us against 30 of them! We'll chop them down within minutes! Stop worrying Ingvar, nothing can possibly go wrong.

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A battle ensues.

Rurik: Aaagh!
Ingvar: My lord, my lord! What happened?
Rurik: Ouch, can't you see?? Those bastards! They shot an arrow... straight into my knee!

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It hurts!

-------------------------
Well, here's the update. I have repaired the remaining broken pictures and I hope all the pictures will work for good now. :)
 
It is quite clear why he is Davit the Mad...who has ever heard about writing the name David with a 't'?

Btw, your images are quite big, when I post some images here, I use MS Picture Manager to reduce their size to about 250 kBs...for example, your battle picture has almost three times more. Just saying, so if you solved the issue differently, ignore me ;).