The Great Men of Korchev - What Became of the Unfotunate Branch of Rurikids

[loki100]

Rurik impresses, both as a poet and plotting mayhem with his new wife.

its really unfair all those people refusing to let you marry their daughters, I mean you've only got a reputation for murdering your nearest and dearest, scarcely a stand out trait for a Rurikovich?

[Tanzhang (譚張)]

Don't complain about his ugliness, I'd kill for a Chancellor like that in my AAR! Great update, funny as always. I wonder if inbreeding will become a permanent feature of this AAR?

[Waringham]

Oh dear, Rurik discovered the joys of keeping it in the family. His poetry is both hilarious and curiously touching.

[Morsky]

Incest, kinslaying, oppression of peasants, and Vogon poetry - all the necessary ingredients for a masterful AAR. Is nice! Rurik's machinations seem to be bearing fruit.

[Kazmir]

@0Emmanuel: It's not exactly difficult to be more competent than Rostislav.

@loki100: That is probably why Rurik's only possibility was to marry a fellow Rurikid.

@Tanzhang (譚張): Oh but he's an excellent chancellor, that's for sure! Rurik just happens to be a man not easily pleased. Also, would a Rurikid AAR without vast amounts of inbreeding even be possible?

@Waringham: Welcome aboard! Perhaps Rurik should consider a career as a bard?

@Morsky: Thank you! And to think that Rurik is only warming up. But will it be who will get to reap the harvest?

[Kazmir]

Chapter 4: Please call me Duke - Duke Rurik.



Rurik is rushing past the corridors and up the stairs towards his wife's chambers.

Rurik: Let me through, let me through! Where is she?
Feodor: My lord, let her rest, she is still recovering.
Rurik: Nonsense! Out of my way, let me see my son.
Feodor: But my lord, it is a…
Rurik: A girl!? A GIRL? How can that woman give me a girl when I have told her I want a son!? Why would you want to disappoint me like this Anna?
Anna: Are you crazy? You're such a big, stupid baby Rurik. Get him out of here I don't want a sight of him.
Rurik: This is MY castle, woman! I'll go, when I feel like it.

Anna looks like she could explode any moment, so Ingvar interrupts them.

Ingvar: My lord, we should reveal the baby to the commoners. They have gathered en masse in the castle yard. Tell me what her name shall be and I will announce the birth.
Rurik: Hm, what? Oh fine, let's call her... umm...
Anna: Irina, her name will be Irina.
Rurik: But I...!
Ingvar: Very well my lady.

Ingvar picks up the baby and goes out on the balcony with Rurik and some nobles. He holds up the baby to the crowd of a dozen peasants, most of them workers of the castle gardens and begins pronouncing.

Ingvar: People of Korchev, subjects to Rurik of Korchev, hear me! Joyous news have arrived, the lady of our realm has given birth to a healthy baby girl!
The crowd: Hail our lord, hail our lady! Long life to our lord, long life to our lady!
Ingvar: It is my pleasure to announce to you now, that this future princess of Korchev shall go by the name of...

At this moment Boris dashes through the lady's chamber and onto the balcony. As he leans over the edge and sees the crowd he gets excited and begins shouting out loud:

Boris: Bourkabourka! Bourkabourka!
The crowd: All hail Princess Bourkabourka of Korchev! Long life to our Princess! Long life to our lord!
Ingvar: ...Irina...


At least she didn't get to name her.

Back in Rurik's chamber:

Rurik: Oh what a day! To have a daughter named liked that. And my dear Anna hardly speaks to me anymore. I need to amend her in some way. But now... now I think I'm just going to take a little nap.

Rurik has barely closed his eyes when someone calls for him.

Voice: Rurik, count of Korchev, son of Rurik.
Rurik: Huh? Who's there?
Voice: I have a task for you.
Rurik: Who are you? Reveal yourself!
Voice: Behold! I am the ghastly spirit of a united Russia! And you, Rurik, son of Rurik, you are my chosen one.
Rurik: Gasp! A talking spider? Am I going crazy?
The Spirit: No, I'm over here you idiot!



The Spirit: My son, as I have spoken I have a task for you.
Rurik: I don't take any orders from imaginary ghosts, go away!
The Spirit: I warn you, Rurik, I am no creation of your imagination.
Rurik: So... you say you're the spirit of a united Russia? Hah! We Russians are hardly united, in fact the Moors probably get better along with the Castilians than my uncles with each other.
The Spirit: *Sigh* That is exactly my point, young Rurik. I told you I have a task for you. Your uncles are hopelessly stubborn and simple-minded. You are still young and fresh, still fit for moulding. I want you to work for me, to work towards uniting the Russian people.
Rurik: Me? I know I am capable for anything, but let's be honest - I have hardly any power at all 10 miles outside my castle!
The Spirit: Yes... we need to make you stronger. I shall help you, young Rurik. I shall make you great still. Look towards the Kingdom of the Georgians. They are weak, they are fractured. The people of Abkhazia yearn for freedom. Do you not hear their calling? They want you Rurik, they want you to come and aid them. Let them into your realm, young Rurik, let them make you stronger.
Rurik: Abkhazia? Hmm... I guess I could invade Abkhazia. That would make a me a... triplecount, wouldn't it? But how on earth can I when I don't have any claim to those lands.
Ingvar: My lord, I might have an idea.
Rurik: Ingvar! What are you doing here? Can you see him too?
Ingvar: See whom?
Rurik: Well this... where did he go?
Ingvar: Who was it? I just came in and heard you talking of invading Abkhazia.
Rurik: Never mind. What kind of an idea did you have?
Ingvar: Well, I just came up with this silly idea one evening, but I guess you might like to hear it. What if we sent some men into Abkhazia, secretly handing out little parchments to the locals which would state that the holder of this paper is, in fact, a Russian? That way, no one could object to us incorporating the province into our realm. The peasants can't read, so they wouldn't object to taking those papers if we give some food to go with it.
Rurik: What a stupid idea, but I guess it's better than nothing. Go ahead with it Ingvar.


I can't believe it worked!

Phew, that was weird. Well, with that out of the way I can get back to my ordinary routines.

I decided to build a palisade in Bosphoros because apparently, erecting some logs around your castle increases the peasants' fertility and our tax revenues.


Arachnophobic Tibetan monk - did I choose the right man for my plans?

Hmph! How does Boris manage to disappoint me at every turn? Raising a killing machine is not an easy task. I have instructed my guards to beat the kid whenever they see him, that should make him fierce!



Some odd writer approached me with quite a smirk on his face, proposing to write my family chronicle. You should have seen his face when he found out I'm a Rurikid.


Because I wasn't before!

It sure was expensive, but what a family I have! I had heard of my namesake forefather, but all these great people in our family! I truly am the greatest of the great, I really am entitled to anything!

And wham! I am a duke now!



Her father finally died and Anna moved to Uglich in Rostov. She still doesn't speak to me but it'll get better. Now that I'm called a duke no one may stand in my way!



What? My own stepmother? How dares she! My little Bourkabourka, my dear little girl.



Chain her up and let her rot forever!



Oh we are complaining now, are we? It's oubliette-time for you, mama!

She died less than a year later.



I decided to change the order of succession so the realm wouldn't be split again. Some mayors and bishops didn't like it but why should I care, I'm a duke now.



More fortune-hunters arrived to my castle, begging for some money for their obscure artistic pursuits. Most of them I threw into the sea but this young painter seemed promising. We came to a conclusion that since no one knew how St. George really looked like, it would be best for me to act as a model for him.



A call to arms! Although I generally despise my relatives, there's some obligations you must uphold. And who knows? This might be my chance for glory!


We Rurikids always stick together!

Most of my uncles answered the call as well, except for those bastards in Novgorod. Even my wife decided to make peace with Volhynia.



I lead my mighty army into Kuban, only to find out how miserably weak we are. They didn't even mind us! The defenders just laughed at us when we tried to siege the castle of Khumar. If only they had obliterated us, but no, they just ignored us completely - as if we were nothing but thin air.

This will not do!



I gathered my men and marched towards Azov. There we would show our might and sow terror into the hearts of the Cuman people!



But it was all the same. They even mocked us by sending some food from the castle to us, telling us they thought us to be wandering beggars!

We decided to pack our bags and head back home.



And if such a humiliation wasn't enough, as soon as we get back home, I see Boris handing out his sweets to peasant children, blabbering something about equality in face of god and good conduct towards fellow men. Enough! I took away all his sweets and gave him a good old beating. From now on, I have prescribed him to be beaten at every chance. We must cleanse this little devil of all pure-hearted thoughts.

Oh Lord, what have I done to deserve this little? I should have so much more.

A character appears from the shadows nearby.

Bishop Davyd: My child, I hear your pain.
Rurik: Christ! You startled me!
Bishop Davyd: My dear child, I might have a solution to your trouble.
Rurik: Father, I feel pain in my heart. Life is treating me unjustly.
Bishop Davyd: Yes, yes. I know my child. It is because you have abandoned your Lord.
Rurik: Nonsense! I go to church every Sunday!
Bishop Davyd: Ah but my child, it is the wrong faith you embrace. You have listened to the lies of heretics all your life. Let me guide you to the right path.
Rurik: Hmm... what does this 'proper' faith have to offer for me then?
Bishop Davyd: Everything my child, everything! It will raise you to new heights altogether! Come my child, follow me and let me teach you the Word.
Rurik: Well, I guess it can't hurt, can it?

[naggy]

And here I'd have expected Rurik to convert to Rurikism.

[loki100]

that was brilliant, the ghost of Putin future being a rather scary goal but there you are.

beware the renaming trick though, I've noticed a few times that CK2 re-uses them down the line in rather odd ways

[naggy]

Yes, each culture has a percentage chance that the parents or grandparents name will be reused. This will not be the last Bourkabourka.

[Tanzhang (譚張)]

Spirit from a United Russia. I love wordplay!

I see no issue with future Bourkabourkas provided that this Bourkabourka turns out well. The next son should be named Rurik though.

[morningSIDEr]

A truly splendiferous AAR! Great read thus far, Rurik as a young child and the Putin bit were especially good. Consider me subscribed.

[Ivir Baggins]

Nestorian? Bishop Davyd hasn't been putting any DI in Rurik's drink, has he?

[Morsky]

Brilliant update. Now that Rurik is under the protection of the spirit of united Russia, I expect he will be beloved by 140% of the population.

[Kazmir]

@naggy: Who knows, Rurik might turn out to be something of a revisionist within the Nestorian canon.

@loki100: Thanks, and yes I am aware of that (although not at the time of naming her ). But if Bourkabourka turns out to be a captivating, charming person then it would be quite reasonable for the name to become more popular.

@Tanzhang (譚張): Hah, thanks. I hope I will have a chance for many more of such word-plays.

@morningSIDEr: Thanks a lot and glad you find it enjoyable, welcome aboard.

@Ivir Baggins: Excuse my lack of knowledge, but what is 'DI?'

@Morsky: Of course, everybody loves him.

A big thanks to all of you, it is always heart warming to see so your replies after each update.

I'll try to throw you an update for tomorrow or on Sunday, but as I said earlier it is difficult for me to find time for this on weekends.

[Ivir Baggins]

It's a reference to the German Risk AAR.

[Axe27]

Davyd of Baherove...seems a long way for a wayward Irishman to travel, but at 14 martial, he's not bad.

So, what do you plan to do with the formerly patient and just son? Matrillineal marriage?

[Kazmir]

@Ivir Baggins: Aah, thanks for that, I'm not very familiar with the history of AARLand.

@Axe27: If you mean Boris, you shall find out in the next episode.
------------------------------------------------

Chapter 5: Add a teaspoon of Nestorian, a pinch of Ethiopian and some crumbled Georgians; stir, do not shake.




My brother Vasilko is now an adult. Hooray...

He desperately wants to be the count in place of the count and so he doesn't really like me. (I don't like him either.)



Why would they do that??

Igor: My liege, my liege!
Rurik: What now Igor?
Igor: The peasants... they're up in arms my lord!
Rurik: What!? How dare they? What did you do this time, Igor?
Igor: Nothing, sire!
Rurik: ...
Igor: Sigh, all right, all right. Remember when last time the peasants attacked me while collecting taxes and how you taught me the proper procedure, sire? Well, this time I decided to make our taxation more effective by skipping part one and going straight to part two.
Rurik: ...part two?
Igor: Yes, since it was probable they would attack us again instead of paying their dues, I saw it best to start by stealing their maidens, killing their sons and burning their villages before collecting the taxes. But then they began throwing rocks at us! Can you imagine!?
Rurik: Ahh Igor, you idiot! Of course the peasants will feel like their rights have been violated if you don't conduct business by the mutually accepted procedures!

What on earth will I do if there is going to be a rebellion in our hands? Must I start crucifying people along the highways?

Hmm... that's not actually a half-bad idea.

A shady characters appears out of nowhere.

Bishop Davyd: My child, may I suggest even better an idea?
Rurik: Very well, let me hear it.
Bishop Davy: My son, your problems - they are problems of faith! The people are unruly as they have not let our Lord enter their hearts. Such it is that wherever the devil or the false-god, or all the ill idols make their nest, there also will be sown the seeds of turmoil.
Rurik: ...uh, what would you suggest then?
Bishop Davyd: Ahhh, yes. Send me to these people my child, send me there and let me embrace them! Let me teach them the Word - they will hear me and they will see where they have walked astray.
Rurik: Uhh, sure. Do whatever you like.
Bishop Davyd: My child, it does mean I should humbly request to be your court chaplain.
Rurik: What? Ah yes, all right. Ilya wasn't much of a help anyway. Sure, the job is yours.
Bishop Davyd: Blessings, my child.



I managed to find Boris a wife-candidate from the Duchy of Harer in Horn of Africa. She's very good at counting things so maybe I get to replace Igor one day.


Well, who didn't want to be a spy as a teenager?

Really, Vasilko? Really?

I think it's time to get this man married to rid him of such silly dreams. After browsing some bride catalogues I stumbled upon a potentially lucrative lady from down south in Ethiopia.



Apparently she is the daughter of King Solomon or something along those lines.



Vasilko: But she's six years younger than me!
Rurik: Is that a problem?
Vasilko: Yes, what will I do for six years?? I'll be 22 when we'll finally get married!
Rurik: Oh come on, it just means she'll stay fresh for longer. Besides, there's plenty of peasant girls to attend to in the mean time.
Vasilko: Yes yes, but if you made me your spymaster, I could...
Rurik: No.
Vasilko: I would learn so much while stationed overseas I...
Rurik: No!
Vasilko: I would no longer be able to plot usurping your throne when...
Rurik: God damn it Vasilko, for your own sake quit it already!



It is such a trouble to travel 1200 kilometres just to inseminate your wife that I hope it'll be worth it this time.



What? Cynical? What could have possible turned him into a cynic? It won't do, I can't have a cynic leading my men in battles. More beatings!



Things are not going too well, perhaps watching the peasants waste their lives in the hot sun laying bricks on bricks will brighten my day.



At last! Wonderful, wonderful! This almost melts my heart, to just think of all those wonderful things I can teach my son now! We will spend many merry hours in the dungeons together.

Bishop Davyd: Psst! My son, come here.
Rurik: Christ! Why are you always lurking behind the curtains? What is it now Davyd? And my God, what has happened to you?



Bishop Davyd: Ahh, the people my child - they are not of enlightened spirit. They began beating me with large sticks when I was spreading the Word. I am no longer sure if we can defeat the devil in them.
Rurik: Father, what do you suggest then?
Bishop Davyd: Ah yes my child, we must act in our Lord's service and now he wishes us to cleanse these lands. Send forth your knights and let them soak their blades in blood. It saddens my heart but I fear there is no other option.
Rurik: I... don't really think I like your idea.
Bishop Davyd: My son, we must burn the heretics and let their blood wash these lands!
Rurik: You keep only bringing me bad news father, I don't think this Nestorianism is really working as you promised.
Bishop Davyd: No! My child, don't speak of such, our Lord can hear everything! And I have brought you my first convert today.

Davyd pulls Ilya from behind the curtains.



Rurik: Christ! What did you do to him?
Bishop Davyd: Yes, yes. Sometimes the truth alone is not enough for people to realise what is best for them, my child. Sometimes you need to soften their hearts before they are ready to receive the Word.
Ilya: My lord, my lord! I wish nothing but to serve our common Lord! Please spare me!
Rurik: I can't have you run around mutilating my courtiers, father!
Bishop Davyd: Ah but my child, if you want them to embrace the Lord we must first soften their hearts.



Rurik: You promised me this faith of yours would solve my problems. Hah! It has just given me a whole new bunch of problems to deal with. Time for you to fly far, far away father.

Rurik: Vasilko!
Vasilko: Yes, brother?
Rurik: You shall be my new court chaplain.



Vasilko: Are you sure my brother? I mean, as a...
Rurik: Not now! We must deal with this heretic here in the appropriate manner.
Vasilko: Of course, I have just the thing for you! Come one, it is in the dungeons - I'll show you. Oh but I almost forgot! Remember that your own son is also a heretic.



Rurik: Damn it! I forgot that. Ilya, go fetch my son and meet us in the dungeon.

Vasilko: Ta-daa! What a beauty, isn't it?
Rurik: What on earth is it?
Vasilko: I don't know really, some sort of a machine, I haven't had the time to read through the manual yet. My friend from Rome sent it as a present. Did you know I have many friends in high places all over Christendom? Of course, as a mere court chaplain such a vast network is in vain, but I know this other profession in which...
Rurik: Shut it! How does it work?
Vasilko: Let me show you. Ilya, will you please come over here? That's right, put your hand there... good, and legs go here... and I think that's... yes, that's right... now let's see if I pull this thing...
Rurik: Umm... is this safe, Vasilko?
Vasilko: Of course, what could possibly go wrong?

*Crunk!* *Screech!* The machine starts up as Vasilko begins using the crank attached to it.

Ilya: Aaaarh! It hurts! Yaaagh! Make it stop, please!
Vasilko: First you must submit!
Ilya: Gaaah! My arms! Submit to what? Aaaaa!
Rurik: Abandon your heretic ways, heathen!
Ilay: Ouuu! I will, I will, just make it stop!
Rurik: Kiss the cross, my fried!



*Smooch!*

Rurik: That machine is fantastic, Ilya abandoned his ill-ways right away!
Ilya: You could have just asked me... oww, my back!
Rurik: Great, my son next!


This machine, it does wonders!

Damn it, things are not going anywhere! Sure, I have no troubles to deal with in the realm any more but I have not moved anywhere either! In the east the Georgians are divided. The Duke of Kartli has risen up in arms against his old King; would I dare to...?



Ah the hell, of course I will!

-------------------------------
Apologies for the delay, I know I promised you an update for Sunday but I couldn't fulfil the promise.

[Ivir Baggins]

Finally, a conquest!

[Morsky]

That's quite a cocktail. Now that the brief flirtation with heresy is over with, Rurik can now follow in the footsteps of the ghost of United Russia and intervene militarily in Georgia. Good luck!

[morningSIDEr]

Vasilko: I would no longer be able to plot usurping your throne when...

Happily coming clean with his plots, it seems to me that Vasilko would make an excellent spymaster!

Best of luck with the coming war, God is on Rurik's side! Which God I'm still not quite sure.