Saltborn: A Crovan AAR

Apart from the whole two-front war I have going on, there is another, more sinister problem upon the horizon:



If Gilla-Pátraic should become the victim of, for example, an assassination attempt, his titles will go to his father, who is of the of Godwin dynasty, resulting in my losing the game. Admittedly, if this happens I will load the game as another Crovan and keep the AAR going but it's still a disturbing prospect. Especially since "Another Crovan" is limited to Artgal, Earl of Fife, and Mary, Countess of Armagnac.

As I'm now above my demesne limit and without the tutelage of my grandfather, I rectify both issues on my first day:



I like to imagine that Prince Offa is grooming Gilla-Pátraic for the conquest of England.

My grandmother, Sigrid Stawell, dies in December 1277. I am very sad, especially since the only viable replacement for her as Spymaster has only 11 Intrigue.

At the dawn of the new year I have some luck at least:



Less fortunately, this has no appreciable effect on the war since Duke Henry is an ally. Capturing a main belligerent in a war instantly gives the captor 100% warscore, but capturing anyone else gives exactly zero. It does, on the other hand, save me the trouble of imprisoning them after the war is over.

In March, the burghers band together and demand that I institute "Minimal City Taxes". With one serious revolt and a war of conquest ongoing, I can't afford any more instability, I swallow my pride and accept their demands. I'll get them later.



I do not have great hopes for myself.

But at least I can achieve some small measure of comfort as Wales folds after my accumulating 64% warscore:



With the naivete of a 7-year-old I appoint Gunnar Crovan, son of Robert Crovan, Duke of Connacht. Two random existing courtiers, Gilla-Íosa de Enniscorthy and Rorgon de Sens are granted the counties of Glamorgan and Galloway, respectively. My dad is granted the Duchy of Meath.

Not long after this, the Vassals Are Ready to Revolt icon finally disappears:



Luckily, with nine thousand troops already mucking about in Ireland, he is easily beaten down:



Meanwhile, the newly-minted Duke of Gwynedd declares a war for the Kingdom of Wales on poor Queen Lowry. I would be furious over this, having just conquered pretty much all of Wales. But Duke Cynyr apparently failed to realize that he can only scrounge together 75 men to send against the queen. Enough to beat her "army" of 25, but not quite enough to take her castles. I allow the war to continue. At least it should keep him busy.

Finally, in late 1279, I am able to restore order to my realm.



Then I imprison Earl Artgal of Fife for having joined the rebellion as Moray's ally. He evades the guards and declares war. Two months later I have occupied every one of his holdings and add him to my sprawling dungeon.

That's when I start handing out punishments:

After my father was made Duke, he ceased to be my Regent for some reason. His replacement, some Mayor of Nowhereville has higher Stewardship, allowing me to control ten holdings personally. So I revoke the Earldom of Fife from Artgal and keep it.

Duke Henry of Galloway is stripped of his ducal title and it is handed to Earl Flann of Clydesdale. Each of the three counties in the Duchy is ruled by a separate ruler, curtailing the power of the reigning duke compared to if he personally held each county in his demesne.

The Duke of Moray is stripped of the Earldom of Moray, which is handed to Countess Eleanor of Buchan, giving him a vassal of equal power to himself to deal with.

The Duke of Ulster is stripped of the Earldom of Ulster, which is handed to his second son, Fedlimid. When he is inherited by his firstborn, Matthew, the new duke will have to deal with his brother. I keep Fedlimid as my direct vassal, however, to make sure the duke doesn't simply revoke his title.

Direct Vassal Map:



Note that Count Rorgon de Sens is Frankish and Kornél Poth is Hungarian. I have not made any attempt to make my vassals homogeneously cultured.

Aaaand, just to make things just a bit more interesting:



While a poor move in the short run, since my only Saxon vassal is my father, it will help me control my new vassals once I conquer England.

While patiently growing up, I take another look at international affairs:



In this timeline, the Holy Roman Empire and France have, in many aspects, switched places. France suffers from nearly perpetual civil war, low crown authority, and now enjoys Elective Succession, while the HRE has become a semi-centralized empire with hereditary succession. The Emperor has even claimed the crowns of Bohemia and Croatia for himself and pushed into Hungary and Poland, conquered regions in France, Italy and Sicily from advancing Muslims and stripped the Papacy of Rome itself.

Yeah, I think the two empires could use a toning-down.

But back in my realm, I am quickly reminded that there is no room for generosity in the Crovan household:



I suppose he deserves praise for going a full five years without stabbing me in the back after I made him everything that he is.

A month later I destroy the full extent of his army:



No, those were not the routing remains of a much greater force. Those 24 men were his entire levy. Since it was only five years since I conquered Central Ireland from Queen Lowry of Wales, his provinces were still suffering from the Recently Conquered modifier, cutting his levy size down to practically zero.

This is like fighting a mentally handicapped person. It's easy but very unsatisfying.

Unfortunately, this mentally handicapped person has a big bruiser at his back named King Estmond the Fat, leading a Saxon army of thirteen thousand men into Ireland to chase away my sieges of Connacht's castles. Luckily, once I remove myself from Gunnar's territory, gathering the 5000 men on the coast and prepare for a desperate fight, he is content to plop his lardy bum down and siege Kildare, taking serious attrition.

In Moray, I rout the Duchess's small armies, then ship the men to join up in Ireland and evict King Estmond from the premises, now enjoying my own numerical superiority.



The Connacht invasion plan, Operation "No Army? Oh, Just Let the English Handle It!", results in a resounding not-success.

In May, Connacht's capital castle of Roscommon, is taken by storm, quickly followed by the other holdings in the province.

This, apparently, is daddy's way of teaching me impatience:



He also taught me to be greedy a few years back. I feel like he's trying to live through me somehow, but maybe I'm just imagining it.

Another battle against the English is won in Galloway, but apparently, I forget to chase after the escaping soldiers, who attack my siege of Connacht's remaining castle with superior numbers.

Just in the nick of time:



I wait to disband the armies until after I try to imprison Duchess Joan of Moray as punishment for her part in this. Naturally, I fail, but in the resultin rebellion, she can only muster 200 men against my 6000. So just under four months later:



Yeah okay, that was not the image I was expecting to reveal.

Hope is sparked as Estmond invades my Welsh holdings with 12 thousand men rather than attacking Strathearn, the county on which he is pressing a claim, directly. If he just stays there the warscore ticker may bring eventual victory for me. This hope is then extinguished as he conquers all holdings in the county of Perfeddwlad, turns his army around and marches north.



I'm forced to disband the 900-man army of my father before they are overrun. Thankfully, King Estmond decides to besiege Argyll rather than Strathearn.

At least Moray folds after both her personal counties are overrun.



Also, I've grown up, my experience in putting down revolt after revolt showing itself:



Too bad I'm a blundering fool in everything else.

Holy.Death said:

While handing Azov over to the Pope is really a great move I wonder what might happen because of this... Will the Pope declare Crusade against the Constantinopole? Now THAT would be the sight to see.

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No Crusades can be called on fellow Christians, even if they are Orthodox heretics. So a Crusade on Constantinople is only possible if it should be conquered by the muslims, a highly unlikely scenario considering the vast power of the Empire, even compared to the strong and unified Shia Caliphate.

naggy said:

I think your main problem is that you spend too much time at peace.

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My apologies. I shall try to misbehave more.

Saithis said:

This spells disaster. I expect him to die within the week, as soon as God realizes the mistake he's made.

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I think God is more likely to pull the sort of stunt Stuyvesant mentions below. A quick and painless death is not punishment enough for the Crovan dynasty.

Raaritsgozilla said:

This can only end well.

I predict death against a 24 man levy

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By this time I have acquainted myself closely with the "Appoint Leader" button, only putting my ruler at the head of an army if he is on a crusade or he is highly skilled and I feel he's the sort of person to take personal leadership. While Gilla-Pátraic is a skilled commander, he is also a ruddy coward, so he will spend most wars at home.

Stuyvesant said:

Based on the Crovan's family history, it seems exceedingly likely that Gilla will indeed not be long for this world, as pointed out by several other commentators. Or perhaps he'll suffer the misfortune RGB had with one of his brilliant Komnenos rulers: Gilla might instead slip into a coma and 'rule' as a near-zero-stat vegetable for decades to come...

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Great. Now I'm scared. Thanks man.

General_BT said:

Congratulations, I've nominated your AAR for the Weekly AAR Showcase! Funny funny stuff, please keep it coming!

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This makes me a happy plum. Thank you, General_BT, and thanks to everyone all around for reading this chronicle of silliness and incompetence. Much more of either is yet to be revealed.

---

As I'm an adult now, I can choose an ambition. I choose to become a Paragon of Virtue. Because the Crovans are virtuous people.

Then I marry Theognosia Argyros, a baron's daughter from Greece. All the potential heiresses were taken or rebuffed my advances, so I went with whoever had the highest Stewardship.

In August, Duke Matthew of Ulster acquires a 33% revolt risk as soon as he reaches majority, so I transfer the vassalage of his brother, Fedlimid of Ulster, to him. That placates him.

Of course, this move is rendered pointless not even a full week later as Duchess Joan of Moray, operating from within her dank cell, initiates the Crovan manhood ritual:



With the Free Investiture of Scotland fouling our relations, there is no way the Pope will lift the excommunication any time soon. And there isn't even any Crusade for me to muck about in as penance. Damn. I send both my Chancellor and Court Chaplain to improve relations.

Also, there's the whole matter of twelve thousand Saxons enjoying an illicit picnic in Argyll, much to my displeasure. I raise fresh levies, mostly in Ireland, and recruit the White Company in exchange for my favorite arm and leg. They were the only mercenaries not currently in employ. With a respectable host at my command, I attack the English:



As 1287 arrives, Earl Zsolt of Gowrie declares war. I throw Duchess Joan into the Oubliette. The two people are not related in any way but I just need to make someone miserable.



Duke Matthew of Ulster declares war a week later. Just what I needed.



To spite my father's ghost, I generate a random courtier to hand his duchy over to. Oswine of Dublin.



A Crovan's natural habitat is civil war, strife and betrayal. Without these, he is lost and purposeless and prone to depression.



Perfect. And this is a couple of months after he wrote to me, proud of having just convinced a local baron of my virtues. Stay classy, Cynyr.



I win another battle against the English, but I take heavy losses, apparently because no-one wants to fight for me and lead the army. Everyone hates me.

Another battle is won in February 1288, where 3200 leaderless Scottish soldiers defeat 3800 Saxons. Maybe this is something I should do more often.

After bouncing the fleeing army for a bit, King Estmond agrees to a white peace:



That's my main problem gone, at least. Ulster I can handle and Gowrie is not a threat.

Also, I release Bishop Áengus of Christ Church from prison. I don't know where Christ Church is but I get a +10 opinion bonus from my vassals for this act of mercy.

In June, Gowrie is fully occupied. Earl Zsolt is imprisoned and stripped of his single title. Right away I march to bring Duke Matthew to heel:



Ulster power broken, I divide my forces to siege his castles.

On the second day of 1290, Cavan in the earldom of Breifne is returned to my control, last of the holdings Connacht managed to occupy while I was elsewhere.

My Chancellor continues to do good work in Orbetello:



But as the year progresses, my Court Chaplain takes up the slack!



Improved relations with the Pope?! Can it be??? Maybe... maybe... dare I think it?



YES! YES! YES!

With future stability assured, I feel secure enough to claim my third king title before the Duke of Gwynedd takes another shot at it:



I get the feeling that something is wrong, but that's probably just nerves.



Everything is going so well. 1290 has been a fantastic year!

Now that everything is ready, I order Himmler to assemble the Waffen-SS and initiate the invasion of Poland.



No wait, that's not right. I'm pollenating flowers.



Ég skil ekki hvað er í gangi. Hvert hafa litir lífs míns dögum sínum glatað? ^Dagar Lífs? Ha? Jag fattar inte.

---

Presenting:

From the Bowels of Despair

A di Sangre de Diablo Campaiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii

I-

I-

Qorqorqorqorqor

Beelzebub Nosferatu Diablo

---

Dear Diary. Today I sent a marriage proposal to the Gwydhe Emperor, but I was rebuffed. Damn him to Nether.

---

I am a staring elf. See my clock and despair.

---

ÞÞÞÞÞÞÞÞÞÞÞÞÞÞÞÞÞÞÞÞÞÞÞÞÞÞÞÞÞÞÞÞÞÞÞÞÞÞÞÞÞÞÞÞÞÏ

hack.

---

Yes, I have a yearly autosave, the game crashed in September 1290 and everything good happened in 1290, and everything dictated mostly by chance. Looks like I'll be riding the excommunication wagon for a while longer.

beep...

beep...

bleepbleepbeepbopdeeboop

Initializing temporal stabilization sequence...

Synchronizing...

Synchronization achieved. Space-time continuum stabilized.

---

Aaaaand we're back to January 1st, 1290. The war with Connacht is still in my favour, with Cavan falling to siege again on January 2nd. On January 4th, my Chancellor, Duke Cynyr, again improves relations with Bishop Castore of Rusellae. Dare I hope that history repeat itself? Will 1290 be a year of Crovan resurgence despite the latest calamity?



Oh well. At least Ælfthryth is of my dynasty, so I won't insta-lose if I die suddenly. On the other hand, I have a -10 opinion malus from my vassals for having a female heir. Because misogyny.

In other news, I claim the Kingdom of Wales just like before, and Duchess Joan of Moray dies in my dungeon. Her heir does not inherit her claim on the kingdom of Scotland, which will hopefully make him less plot-happy. In November, the Dukes of Galloway and Gwynedd are the only unhappy vassals, and only have a 3% revolt risk. Which, considering my luck, probably means they will revolt within half a year. So I make Duke Flann of Galloway Master of the Horse and send Duke Cynyr a hundred pounds of gold to keep both of them happy.

Duke Matthew of Ulster, meanwhile, refuses to make peace until I have conquered nearly every single holding of his, but fold he does:



I'm excommunicated but so what? My vassals are still placated and I'm rolling in dough. I commission a Grand Tournament to be held in honour of my being so awesome. It's going to be



Oh.

Oh.

Fudge.

That's Galloway, Gwynedd, Buchan, Munster and the friggin' Kingdom of England, all set on implementing 'Autonomous Vassals,' the lowest setting of Crown Authority.

Did I mention I'm a coward?

Good, because I am totally not fighting this war. Screw it ten ways to Sunday. My son can fix this mess when I'm six feet under.

Apparently the Pope agrees with me:



YES! YES! YES!

Ælle I could kiss you!

But no homo.

Finally back in the fold of Christianity, I strip Duke Matthew of the earldom of Oriel and hand it to his brother the Earl of Ulster, making future Dukes of Ulster have to deal with a vassal of equal size to themselves. Then I release Zsolt, former Count of Gowrie from prison for the +10 "Merciful" opinion bonus.

Fratricide erupts in 1292:



I'm not exactly itching to give the Duke of Ulster the opportunity to begin revoking titles from his brother and consolidate power so I politely tell him to stuff himself. What's he going to do? Also, it's fun as hell to watch.

In October the same year, I am made aware of a plot by Duke Munster, supported by the annoyingly-adept-at-Intrigue Duke Flann of Galloway.

Galloway refuses to withdraw his support, and with the power he lends to the plot, Munster refuses to end it. So I replace Munster as Marshal and send Mayor Neil of Dunfermline to imprison him.



All that "being at peace" was making me nervous anyway.

To my horror, I find myself marching to battle in person. Scotland is my primary title, and I need at least 'Limited Crown Authority' in order to appoint leaders, which I no longer have. Fudge. I'm going to die a horrible death.



Luckily, Duke Matthew proves a pushover. I only need to capture the city of Waterford before the offers to turn himself in. He enjoyed independence for ten months. I revoke the County of Ormond from him and grant the title to his brother Fingen. Since Ormond's capital holding is a city, he becomes Lord Mayor, who has a permanent -30 opinion malus towards his liege for "Wrong Government Type". Good luck keeping him under control, Munster. Mwahahahaha.

Then, finally, in September, my banging bears the proper sort of fruit:



In other news, I send my half-brother Æthelwulf to be mentored by King Estmond the Fat of England, in order to net me a +20 opinion bonus from him. Hopefully Æthelwulf is adorable enough that Estmond allows him to live and doesn't invade me again. My other half-brother, Coenwulf, is sent to some nobody Bishop to learn theology. Hopefully I can give him a bishopric eventually.

Duke Matthew of Munster dies in October 1293, leaving the throne to his 2-year-old daughter Aibilín. That's one Duchy pacified for 14 years. Oh yeah. Children just make the best vassals.

In January 1294 my wife discovers Duke Cynyr of Gwynedd plotting to murder my daughter. While gamewise this isn't really much of a concern for me, it's still my daughter.

Also, I just really like keeping vassals in jail, so that's where Cynyr is taken.

Duke Oswine of Meath dies in October and is succeeded by his two-year-old daughter. There must be some sort of adult-targeting plague going on there.

Now for an international interlude:



Yes, that's BYZ conquering the empty steppes as far as the edge of the mapped world.Yes, they have moved their capital to Crimea. Admittedly, that may be because the imperial dynasty no longer holds Constantinople itself, now that the Murzuphlos, former Doux of Achaia, usurped the throne from the Doukas in 1118. They are still idiots.

Things in Scotland, however are quiet until I get a message from the Pope in 1296:



Turns out that the Emir of Sicily, Prince Malik the Great of Croatia(yeah, that's a long story), has managed to conquer the Most Serene Republic of Venice. Rather than declaring a Crusade for some mudhut in Persia, the Pope decides to listen to reason for once. Actually, I could do with a spot of crusading, for the piety boost and the opinion boost with vassals who become fellow crusaders.

We'll see how Great Prince Malik is when I show up with ten thousand shouting highlanders.



The holdings fall fairly quickly to my army, the capital barony of Pallestrina succumbing to storm shortly after this screenshot, netting me 100 prestige and piety. The remaining holdings have far too big garrisons for me to assault, but they are starved out eventually.

In the middle of this, I get news from the home front.



Huh. I honestly did not think that she would have the gall to declare war on a liege who is on Crusade. Oh. Right. Crovan. She did not wait even a full month after coming of age before rising up in revolt. Silly girl.

She can call up 2400 men from her counties. I already have all my men in Venice. I have not, however, called up any of my vassals' troops, who number about nine thousand. SPOILER: I end up winning the war.

In June 1297, the last holding in Venezia has been conquered, but Prince Malik refuses to give up. So I ship the army out and invade Sicily.



But sieging the ultra-upgraded Muslim fort takes too long and patience is not a Crovan virtue. So I march out to attack the Sicilian army besieging Tunisian holdings in Calabria. Yes, I have gone cross-eyed as well.



I gain massive amounts of piety and prestige from completing the Crusade, more than enough to fulfill my Ambition:



You know, for being a line of notoriously back-stabby-happy, frequently-excommunicated fiends, a disturbingly high proportion of Crovans are known as 'The Holy'. I suspect this says more about holiness than it does the Crovans.

I am now in full control of one of the richest counties in Christian Europe. Surely this will herald a fresh dawn of greatness for the Crovans as

Wait.

Werewhale, what the hell are you doing?!

STOP IT!!!



GOD DAMN YOU PAST-WEREWHALE! GOD DAMN YOU!

Okay, while I wouldn't have done this given another run, I do sort of understand my reasoning. I felt that it would be a pain to control such a far-flung province, which had by this time turned both Shiite and Maghreb, and it would be a while until I would see any sort of income from it. Also I get a massive boost in Papal opinion and a large amount of Piety.

And bereaving myself of that county means that the AAR will be that more tense and filled with danger.

The next few years pass by without major event. I evade picking up the "Impaler" trait since I thought it would earn me an opinion malus with my vassals(turns out it doesn't), Duke Flann of Galloway is overthrown by his vassal Count Adalmode. I pick up the trait Wroth, pass it on to my son, then drop it like it's hot.

Then the Pope calls for another Crusade, now to take Alexandretta from the Shia Caliphate.



Well, at least he's getting closer now. But couldn't he have picked a target that allows us to conquer more than just one province in a go? Also, it doesn't exactly look threatened by Muslims. BYZ can just look at it intimidatingly.

Anyway, let's check the state of the Shia Caliphate's army:



Yup, that's a factor of about 1:7.5.

And Crovans generally do not attack with anything less than a 1.5:1 numerical superiority.

Obviously I'm supposed to stay at home.



A Crovan's home is strife and suffering.

If I can walk over Sicily like it ain't no thang, surely I can defeat the Caliphate!

I recruit the Knights Templar and ship them, along with every able-bodied man in Scotland, to the Holy Land just across the road from The Holy Land.



See? The war's practically in the bag now!



Ah, maybe not. Still, I can handle this.



See? Ain't no thang!



Whoops. I wanted to leave 15 thousand men to deal with the Saracen army, but mixed up the unit orders. 2652 faithful Christians pay with their lives for a bureaucratic error. Life's an unfriendly lady.

Also, that single battle was worth more warscore than the previous two combined, putting me back at zero. I think that says something about the numerical disparity.



My army was going to arrive in Aleppo August 23rd. On the very same day, the Saracen army slips into Alexandretta, annihilating the siege force there. Fudge.



I NOPENOPENOPE my way out of the Middle East and back to fair Scotland as fast as my boats can take me. The final tally is that out of about 20 thousand raised soldiers, 2305 men survive to return home. Out of the 7305 Knights Templar recruited for the Crusade, 144 live to tell the tale.

I can't even hope to negotiate a White Peace with the Caliph, so I surrender to him:



In the same year, I organize a Grand Hunt to numb my burning shame, but only manage to pick up the Slothful trait because my horse fell and broke his leg. I do not know how the two are connected. Shortly afterwards I hold a feast, slightly changing relations with a couple of baron-level vassals.

In 1306, my Chancellor brings me some important news:



But Werewhale, why fabricate a claim on Lothian when you have a claim on the whole Kingdom of England.

Well, strange voice in my head, the thing is...

I don't have a claim on England.

Why not?

Because.

No really, I have no idea why I did not inherit my father's claim on the throne. By loading old saves I can see that my father has a claim that is tagged as inheritable, but when he is dead, I don't inherit it at all!

God hates me, I'm sure of it.

In order to try again, I have my son betrothed to the daughter of the Duke of York. If I can't claim England, I can at least claim a big part of it.



It worked so well last time, after all.



After dealing with Crovans for so long, it's hard to take fear as seriously.

In 1309, I notice that the Duchess of Meath is not only childless...



It's one thing to stick your dick in crazy, but I am not sticking my dick in sick!

Peace lasts for a grand total of five and a half years:



This time, however, I am not beset by revolts and an excommunication. And I have two of me:



Furthermore, as an illustration of the claims my grandson could potentially inherit:



King Estmond will be coming to take Strathearn, so I can afford to leave Wales undefended. Indeed, twelve thousand Saxons enter Wales unopposed, realize their mistake and turn north. Meanwhile, I send out siege forces into every province in the Duchy of Lothian, keeping a 17 thousand strong army in reserve within my own borders, ready to descend on the English when they arrive.

The key to winning a war against a foe with superior numbers is to concentrate your forces as he divides his and so outnumber the enemy in every singular battle. Eventually, you will be left with more troops than he.

I have not quite perfected this strategy, however:


Whoops.

In 1310, the situation is looking dangerous: