It is turning to custard!!
And the stuttering is deliberate?
Edit: ohhhh he's drunk. I see now!
And the stuttering is deliberate?
Edit: ohhhh he's drunk. I see now!
Saltborn: A Crovan AAR
- Thread starter Werewhale
- Start date
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Proof positive that even the "blandest" Crovan is still hilarious -- thoroughly enjoyed the sloshed-to-the-eyeballs writing. Can't say I blame him for hitting the sauce so hard, though, what with the kind of crap he has to put up with...
A King of Ireland and Scotland who can't hold his liquor?! No wonder the vassals are rebelling.
Brilliant stuff. It's interesting you're finally getting a challenge rather than just swatting away annoying little mini-rebellions. The next Crovan King will have to work pretty hard to undo the damage.
Brilliant stuff. It's interesting you're finally getting a challenge rather than just swatting away annoying little mini-rebellions. The next Crovan King will have to work pretty hard to undo the damage.
It took me a little while to catch on, too. Well played., Werewhale/Crovan.
My wife wonders why I spend more time reading about CK2 than playing it...
I'm still playing 1.03b at this point. I haven't upgraded to 1.04b out of fear it may corrupt the save, because of the Wales-Brythonia change, but maybe I'm just being paranoid.
As for Anti-Popes, they are a mechanic that I completely overlooked until sometime in the mid-14th century, much to my detriment.
God, I'm hung over. What happened last night?
Or the whole of yesterday, for that matter?
Right. That.
Well, crap.
There's only one thing I can do now. Something unthinkable. Something completely alien to Crovan nature.
I'm going to have to not Enforce Demands.
Duchess Órlaith accepts a White Peace. I had her pretty much beaten, but she would not surrender completely unless I capture some of her holdings, which takes a year or more, and I need my armies to deal with my other problems. The peace means she loses 100 Prestige and remains my vassal, but she is not imprisoned. And with the ten-year truce imposed on her(she is considered the attacking party of the war), that gives me a ten-year window to close the civil war.
Still, letting a treacherous unfriendly lady off the hook like that brings me to tears.
I think I deserve a drink.
That hit the spot. Nonono, just- just leave the bottle. And get me another. Hell, just bring the whole cask. Er, yeah I'm having... having some friends over, exactly. Heh. Friends.
I send the armies to attack Moray e . I can beat them down quickly before getting to England. I also take a look at how my daughter is doing.
God hates me. All I can make is daughters who only make daughters. Well, except for the boy I killed, but that's irrelevant.
Looks like I'll have to survive until I can see a great-grandson. God help us all.
I arrange for her to matrilineally marry a Frankish bloke, Rorgon de Sens. Although she's getting old, it's not unheard of to give birth in the thirties.
A piece of good neews finally arrivses in March 1264:
Órlaith apparently could not handle pushing out her only child, extending the ten-year-truce window to a 16-year growing-up window.
Not so fortuneate is that the new Duchess's heir is the King of Wales.
The war is not going we ll . Powys in Wales has been occupied entirely by the English, Moray has a siege force down wthere as well, and I don't have the manpower to spare to take care of them. I think it's time to take the Pope's offer even though I haven't stabilized everything, lest everything crash down before I get the chance.
I'm going to have to disband my entire army and simply trust that the Pope makes good on his word. Considering the intelligence of the Popes so far, it's a 50/50 shot whether he will remember making the promise at all. Also, God has it in for me.
The last province in Ross falls in May 1265.
Here goes:
(Mercenraries don't count as raised army levies when declaring war)
OKOKOKOKOKOKOKOKPLEASEWORK
YES!
THIS CALLS FOR ANOTHER DRINK!
I spend some of my ubiquitous piety to hire the Knights Hospitallers. This puts my monthly income at -27/month, giving me just under two years to win this war. Huh. Hopefully enough will die on the voyage so that I can afford to pay the survivors.
Also, I marry off my youngest daughter, Aignes, to the Duke of Slesvig because she was whining about it.
Finally, as a last screw-you to King Estmond of England, I matrilineally marry my second daughter, Lerthan, to his younger brother Offa. This makes us allies and there's nothing he can do about it because Offa was hanging around in the court of Duke Eadmund the Fat of Somerset, who accepted the offer.
Then I'm off to
After a long and arduous journey I finally see my destination!
They're not even fighting over that province! And Paphlagonia is not even the primary attacker!
God hates me. I'm convinced of it.
Bah. I take my army and make the months-long trek across the Caucasus to take the fight to the Turk in Persia.
To my annoyance, the level of dogpiling the Turk is being subjected to means that it's hard to find someplace to get a siege in where the supply limit allows me enough men to actually outnumber the defenders.
Back home, my vassals are getting itchy again, but at least this time its not me who draws their ire.
On the other hand if hshe wins, she will become independent, which is not good.
In July i get my first taste of heathen blood.
Then, finally, after more than two years of sailing and walking walk ing walking, I step onto Turkish land:
In April the following year I see that Azov has become unoccupied again, probably as a result of peace between Thrace and Seljuk. I quickly send off a force to siege
ohforfgoddamn GO AWAY DENMARK
I march all the way back down again. Man are my feet sore.
I manage to use the mountainous terrain to my advantage, but the Muslem s still manage to cause enough casualties to make me unable to continue the siege. Manpower is beginning to become a problme, and shipping in new troops sfrom scotland is easier said than done, especially since I'm running out of coinage.
The next few months are just sieges, but there are a couple of tidbits in domestic matters:
I HAVE A GRANDSON I HAVE A GROANDSON I HAVE A GRANDSON
This calls for a drink! YES!
Even better, he will have a claim on the throne of England through his father. BUU-YAH!
Someone else nabs a kingdom first, on the other hand:
Bad, right?
NO LOL
Through some hitherto uknown game mechancic, I get a claim on ALL the provinces that have thus been removed from my realm! Since Wales is still a lot weaker than me, I can claim ALL the counties and duchies, then give them out to loyal courtiers, ending the Connacht menace once and for all!
And when my money goes low:
It's actually kinda sweet being a good Catholic.
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Highly amusing...
...though your frustrations at difficulties is the most amusing.
You don't play Chrusader Kings to conquer the world, as though you were the Monghol horde...no. You play Chrusader Kings to have your wife's bastard son excommunicate you, so he can claim his godforsaken barren county claim, all sort your brother can lift a duchy from your clutches at the hands of the blessed church.
...though your frustrations at difficulties is the most amusing.
You don't play Chrusader Kings to conquer the world, as though you were the Monghol horde...no. You play Chrusader Kings to have your wife's bastard son excommunicate you, so he can claim his godforsaken barren county claim, all sort your brother can lift a duchy from your clutches at the hands of the blessed church.
:rofl:
You sound like the kinda person Machiavelli would invite to his birthday party!
I think you helped me make up my mind about grabbing this game after all...
See, this is why White Peace should not be allowed in civil wars. No offense to the Crovans but you should have been screwed there.
Also, a crusade to Azov? Really, Your Holiness? Really?
Pope needs to get his head in the game.
Also, a crusade to Azov? Really, Your Holiness? Really?
Pope needs to get his head in the game.
If it wasn't for those same rules he'd be the King of England 50 years ago.
Sometimes it goes his way, sometimes it goes their way.
What a series of updates... Civil wars, crusades, being nicknamed 'The Fat' (wouldn't 'Drunk Like A Skunk' be more appropriate?)... And, at long last, you have secured your inheritance.
Of course, I kinda expect the wee little fella to die of natural causes at the start of the next update, but hey! Right now, things are looking pretty sweet for the Crovans.
Of course, I kinda expect the wee little fella to die of natural causes at the start of the next update, but hey! Right now, things are looking pretty sweet for the Crovans.
Secured inheritance? In a Crovan family? As long as there are more than two Crovans (the leader and his/her direct heir) of the Crovan bloodline no Crovan is safe... There are still those who would inherit the land by wiping out the Crovans too. You should start with trait "Paranoid" as a standard and knife anyone you see is plotting against you. Their relatives and friends too. And change your name to something more fitting. Like Macbeth.
This reminded me of one of my favorite Simpson quotes from Groundskeeper Willie. I'll free ball it-
"Brothers and sisters are natural enemies, like Scots and the English, or Scots and the Chinese, or Scots and other Scots. Those damned Scots, they ruined Scotland!"
I'm a pretty experienced Paradox gamer, but I'm still baffled by the screenshots I've seen of people conquering half of Europe before the 14th century. Unlike games like Victoria and Europa Universalis, you don't pick up momentum in CK2. Your difficulties grow just as fast as your power in this game.
I'm happy to hear that. I'm sure you won't regret it.
I have to disagree. I think it works well as a midway peace. I had destroyed Connacht's army entirely, so there was nothing she could realistically hope to accomplish against me, but she still wants to stay out of jail. So a white peace is a kind of "Okay, you got some hits in, I got some hits in, let's just pretend this never happened." Rather than the absolute result of either party successfully Enforcing Demands.
Yeah, the Crusade target mechanic really needs some work. While Spain is being overrun by Muslims, the Pope insists on calling Crusades to random counties in the Levant and Black Sea. Not once have I seen a Crusade to reclaim Jerusalem. Y'know, the Holy City?
The Crusade seems to be coming to an end. King Rudolf II of Denmark has occupied all holdings in Azov and as he keeps controlling it, his warscore steadily climbs.
In CK2, holding the target of the Declaration of War gives a steady warscore bonus after a certain amount of time(a year or two perhaps), a mechanic meant to prevent perpetual non-event war, and to make sure you can't just declare war on someone and not do anything. Now that will result in the defending party forcing a peace as soon as he hits 100% warscore.
I force Moray to end a plot to Acquire the Kingdom of Scotland(silly bean) and capture Tehran in February 1275.
A few months later I spot a confounding development:
Apparently the Danes declared their involvement over as soon as they captured Azov and left for home, allowing a small band of rebels to retake everything. Whiel I berate them for their idiocity, they do offer me the chance to claim the prize myself. Rather than making yet another trek through the Caucasus I march to the Levant coast, in order to sail to Azov. There, I find the Danes getting ready to board their own ships.
The race is on.
It's a tense battle Denmark takes the lead OH WHATS THIS SCOTLAND HAS ACTIVATED THEIR AFTERBURNERS THEY'RE TAKING THE LEAD JUST STORMING BY THE DANES WHO ARE SPINNING AROUND IN THE WAKE
With the castles having changed ownerships so reently the first one falls quickly and the rest are taken by storm.
Then it's just a matter of waiting a few months for the ticker to do its job and :
Forced peace booyah!
I get an additional 200 prestige and 400 piety for completing the crusade.
Yay!
...
And now I'm stuck with a piss-poor province out in the bumhole of Europe. Which the Byzantine Empire is sure to make Ducal War over sonner rather than later.
What do?
Oh, of course!
Let the Pope deal with his own stupidity!
The ink has barerly dierd on the deed when i commit my second atrocity of the year:
My daughter Lerthan dies in May, making her son, Gilla-Pátraic MacOffa my heir rather than her. I don't know why he wasn't heir to begin with but all right. My vassals at least lose the -10 opinion malus for Female Heir.
Oh, and I'm really sad, too. Dead daughter and all that. Incosnolable.
Then it's just a matter of sieging down the welsh holdings and force ym demeands upon tem. Then its juts peace forever more after that.
That just will not do for the Crovan dynasty.
Cheers.
I like how, after 200 years, it's still called "Revolt Risk", as if there is actually some chance of the vassals in question not revolting within a couple of months.
So I'm not spoiling anything about the new king's reign with the last picture of this update:
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A shocking development!So I'm not spoiling anything about the new king's reign with the last picture of this update:
A civil war? My god, I don't believe it!
I love that you gave the Pope his own idiotic Crusade target. Brilliant. :rofl:
I love that you gave the Pope his own idiotic Crusade target. Brilliant. :rofl: