Saltborn: A Crovan AAR

Huh, the forums seem to have eaten my reply from yesterday, here goes again...

Dadarian said:

I wonder if you have a Craven Crovan. Ulster may be the Haven of Craven in Croven? The Raven of Croven is named Maven?

Ok, I'm done now. Good work on the AAR, keep it up.

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You should see the numerous title ideas I scribbled down before settling on Saltborn. They're pretty much all various puns on cravens, ravens and crows. And don't worry, there are plenty of Craven Crovans to come.

Legolas said:

This is hilarious (and educating too, since I can't play CK2 yet, I'm at least learning a few things)

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I'm pleased to hear this because a big part of my decision to make this a gameplay AAR as opposed to a narrative one, apart from the smaller amount of work required, was to share some strategies and tips that would be more helpful than the typical Paradox's hints of "Push this button, this happens!"

Axe27 said:

When playing as the King or Norway, I married a Welsh princess and then I died literally the day after the acceptance arrived. So, naturally, my already married heir got jiggy with it - I had married him off to an old hag of a women, so naturally, my heir had about six bastard children, all legitimatized.

In the end, this turned out to be a poor decision as a Legit-Bastard King gets serious hits to his reputation with his vassals.

Also, you can appoint Army Leaders?! Holy crap. This changes things.

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I did not know this about Legit-Bastard Kings. I'll have to keep that in mind. And yes, it is very embarrassing how may rulers had to die before I made a habit of locking them up in their castles whenever a war broke out.

Everyone Else: Thank you for your readership, and your comments. Though I may not respond to them all, because I have nothing to add, I read and appreciate them!

NOW! More shenanigans from Bård!

---

I start off by ignoring threats arising from both the Scottish Earl of Buchan and Queen Caisséne of Ireland, who have fabricated claims on provinces in my possession, and concentrate on the education of my firstborn son:


Yes, Count Conn is an Irish dickwad, but he's highly talented and mentoring my son to him will improve relations both between us and establish a mentor-student relationship between them for when Kolbein takes the throne. Also, he'll be brilliant. I hope.

Meanwhile, with my Chancellor's compliments going cold, my wife turns even icier:


I have to get away from my wife for a bit...


Yes, I'd face five thousand screaming Irishmen any day of the week over the death-stare of my wife.

Queen Caisséne manages to give me a nasty surprise, fielding 2385 men so soon after our last bout, but with my army bolstered with 570 Bretons, I still outnumber her.


The Battle of Dromahair becomes the only significant battle of the war. The Irish never manage to assemble another army reaching 200 men. In fact:


Desperate for the chance to regroup and retrain her men before our next match, Queen Caisséne folds to my demands early after just over a year of conflict.

Shortly thereafter I happily usurp the two-county Duchy of Meath, gaining 50 prestige and my fourth ducal title. My marriage continues as usual:

She has her mother's eyes. This is not to her benefit.

I'm wondering how to beat up the Irish some more when I notice something deeply unsettling:

I kill thousands of Celts only for my son to become one?! And he's become Craven, Greedy and Envious under Conn's tutelage, too?! Bah!

To make matters worse, my wife suggests the unthinkable:

I use my penis to improve our relationship.

It still isn't all the glamour it should be, and I envy my uncle's happy marriage. He was drunk out of his mind one night and told me about this thing Wulfthryth does where she takes a jar of olive oil and a fishnet, puts her legs all the way up


Nevermind, it's kinda hard to describe, you have to see it for yourself.

So I decided to check it out:


What? What was I supposed to do, not use my penis?! Yeah, let the one without sin cast the first stone!

On a serious note, screwing around before advanced contraceptives has rather unwanted consequences:


Yeah ok, Skjalg is definitely going to blame me for this. I should probably mention that uncle Skjalg is my spymaster. There is no way that can go wrong.

Furthermore, this does nothing to improve my marriage.


I try to make her happy with my penis again but it is all for naught. Éua wants blood.


I try to play it off like it's nothing serious, but Skjalg kindly reminds me that after seducing Wulfthryth, cuckolding him and then humiliating her by denouncing Eadhild, I kinda owe her to not let my wife murder her in her sleep.

Éua will have none of it when I bring her up. Something about "Opinion of Duke Bård: -----".

I must say, I'm rather flattered by her jealousy. I tell her as much when I throw her into the dungeons.

I wonder if I did anything to make her dislike me so much. Nah, this is just a "Don't stick your dick in crazy" story.

I get over her in ten minutes oh look! Little Kolbein is all grown up!

While I can't say I approve of this MacBård nonsense, at least he's pretty talented. Military man, just like his dad!

Then he tells me his ambition is to become Chancellor. I tell him he's not a very clever man.

I marry him to a fair young Irishwoman with a name I can never pronounce, but she has a Stewardship stat of 25 and claims on a couple of Irish counties I don't own yet.

Then, when goofing around a bit, I notice this:


OH MAMA

What to choose what to choose...

My capitol is de jure within the Kingdom of Scotland, and King Sigebert of England is beating them down in another war for a county in Lothian, so they're weak at the moment. On the other hand, with England eating Scotland, I've more to gain from invading Ireland, and my heir is Irish...

Ah, hell, I'll give you the answer right away:

NRDL said:

Winning Ireland for your heir? Nice. Very funny family issues, this kinda reminds me of the Sopranos.

Would you recommend this game for someone with absolutely no prior experience but who has read(ing) quite a few AAR's?

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If you enjoy reading the AARs, you will almost certainly enjoy the game. I haven't made anything up in this AAR, just pointed out the more interesting bits and connecting them together in a humorous fashion. In fact, there is a lot that I haven't mentioned, but that I've spent quite some time in-game observing and dealing with, such as a barely-missed inheritance of a barony in Denmark, the see-sawing religious conflict in Iberia, the endless civil wars in France and the consolidation and expansion of the Byzantine Empire, the Holy Roman Empire and the Shia Caliphate. You just never know what you're going to get every game.

Axe27 said:

Yeah I don't get that. Even with majorly negative relations with your wife, you still somehow get along all right in the bed chamber.

Also, this is partly why I tend to insure that my wife doesn't hold land. Makes divorcing her/killing her a lot less messy.

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Well, they say there's a fine line between love and hate. But yes, maybe opinions should matter when it comes to baby-making operations. As to land-holding wives, yes they are a pain to control, but on the other hand they work fantastically as measures to consolidate your realm and absorb/divide the holdings of powerful vassals.

Faeelin said:

How do you figure out what provinces a party you marry has claims on?

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On their character screen, there's two rows of shields beneath their portrait denoting their held titles and their claims. Click them to find them on the map, hover over them to see if they will be inherited or not(need to be pressed). In my experience, a female vassal's claims cannot be pressed(though she can press them herself), even if she is eligible to inherit. So if you marry a woman with inheritable claims on a title, your children will receive a claim on that title. Also:

Werewhale's Crusader Kings 2 Tip #5: Take careful note of who a potential bride's parents are. She will inherit inheritable claims on their titles and pass them on to her children.

Aldehyde said:

Moaar! Awesome AAR. I find myself thinking of how the story will unfold now and then during the days.

Man, this game is demanding in a way I am not used to. I am usually far too impatient for this kind of games but I am forcing myself to learn and this AAR has helped me quite a bit.

It really is an awesome game for just getting a lot of cool and complex stories to tell.

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This is exactly how I learned Europa Universalis 3(in my very first EU3 game, as Sweden, I ran my economy into the ground in ten years. I'm not sure I could replicate that today even if I tried) and finally got into Paradox games.

---

I hit up my old friend Arnaud of the Bret


YOU CHEATING BASTARD ARNAUD! LEON?!? HOW COULD YOU?!?!

FINE!!!! I'LL JUST HIRE BRIANT DE ROHAN INSTEAD!!! HE HAS A MUCH BIGGER COMPANY THAN YOU DO ANYWAY!!!!!!!!!!

Also, I have 10 surplus gold after paying for my own troops, so I can afford to pay for more mercenaries. Considering the stakes in play, I take no chances.

I soon come to suspect I may have overestimated my enemy:


Note the warscore. I have fought no battles in this war yet.

BUT WAIT!

The Irish host makes its presence known, embarking from a fleet of galleys, landing in Carrick with a throng totalling...


Feeling very sheepish about the endeavour, the Irish army marches by foot back to the war, joining up with the smaller levy in Leinster, plus several other smaller contingents I allow to assemble while sieging.* They scare my siege detachment out of Kildare into Breifne without a fight, but as they march towards the small detachment in Connacht, Breifne falls, allowing the 2848 army there to reinforce. As the Irish see me moving, they cancel their own movement, staying in Kildare. At that time, Thomond falls, giving me the courage to send both Breifne and them to attack the Irish.

*My strategy in this game goes through a few stages. Here, I'm apparently pursuing the tactic of "siege down the enemy castles until I'm forced to group together for a doomstack-battle. Win and siege." Later, I adopt the "Assemble doomstack, find enemy doomstack, win battle, siege." Finally, late in the game, I try "Assemble 3-6 mid-size stacks, blitzkrieg isolated levies until enemy doomstack is located. Group together and fight diminished doomstack."


A huge part of (CK2) martial strategy is timing and predicting your foes' movements. Predicting the AI's movements takes some practice, but one rule, at least, is very simple.
Werewhale's Crusader Kings 2 Tip #6: An AI army will generally not attack a larger army. It will take into account armies that are on the way to reinforce a possible battle, so if you send 4000 men to reinforce 500 men that a 2000-man AI army is marching to attack, the AI army will abort the movement.

This is how I manage to force the Irish to a field-battle in my favour at Knockaulin.


BOOM!

That pretty much decides the war, but the bitUnfriendly-Lady-Queen Caisséne will have none of it:


Bigger demands require higher warscore. A King may yield to a Ducal Claim after a single battle and a couple of fallen castles, but it seems Caisséne will not yield until I have captured every single holding she has. Which isn't very clever of her because with the Invasion CB, the more holdings I capture before she yields, the more powerful I become. In fact, if she would yield early, she would still retain her ducal titles and demesne, and could plot to regain her throne with the support of other vassals.

Some bittersweet news arrive in June 1156:

While she was a crazy unfriendly lady, you can't deny she had spirit and colour.

16 days later I'm married to Princess Eadgifu of Godwin. Mourning periods aren't really my thing. I have needs, you know? She had 22 intrigue, what was I supposed to do?! Not bone her?!

More bittersweet news arrive in July 1157, except with no sweetness and all the bitterness:


He may have been Irish, but at least he kept to that age-old tradition of dying young better than his father has.

With tears in my eyes I capture the last Irish holding:

Yes. That's every holding in Ireland. Even with a single bishopric in Dublin left I had a warscore of 99% and she refused to make peace. 'Careless' indeed.

The peace nets me 23 new holdings, putting me just a bit** over my demesne limit, and gives me the nickname 'the Conqueror'. Which isn't as good as it sounds like because I had somehow earned 'the Great' before this. I just didn't mention it because it was so short-lived.

**Just a bit=lightyears

While divvying up my conquests I notice one oddity. I can't create the duchies of Munster and Connacht, I have to usurp them. Huh? Who has them then?



Wat.

I decide to ignore the matter for now. I'm taking the counties of the Duchy of Munster for myself, so I can usurp the dukedom when I feel like it. I already am Duke of the Isles and Duke of Ulster and I'm keeping those titles. Any Ducal title over two causes a -10 opinion penalty from your vassals. Meanwhile, I give the counties under the Duchy of Connacht to my cousin Skjalg Skjalgsen and let him be responsible for usurping the dukedom for himself.

As I am a King now, I can make my grandson and heir Máel-Madoc MacKolbein Duke of Galloway. I make Count Conn of Oriel Duke of Meath and my second son, Bård Bårdsen Duke of Leinster.


The Direct Vassals mapmode is fantastic for keeping an eye on your subjects and seeing if any of your vassals are accruing dangerous amounts of power. It's also a good way to spy out other countries, find out which English Duke you can Sow Dissent on, or whom to marry to get a lot of claims when a king isn't willing.

As you can see, I've made sure to give the Dukes holdings that adhere to their de jure ducal borders where possible. On the surface, this seems like a good idea. You avoid the "wants control of county" opinion malus and your kingdom just generally looks neater. On the other hand it can also mean less conflict between your dukes. And when your dukes are not busy fighting each other, they are using their time plotting against their liege.

As always after a big war, I sit back and relax for a bit, watching the world. Duke Conn of Meath dies and is succeeded by a dwarf, to my great mirth. King Sigebert of England, who is my brother-in-law now or something, calls me to war against rebelling Cornwall, who is defeated three weeks later without my getting in the way. I have a daughter with Eadgifu called Ingjerd. My new wife very sweet and loving, all cuddles and gently carresses, but sometimes I find myself missing the wild, angry, monkey-sex I had with Éua. Memory sweetens even the most bitter wife, it seems.

Then Eadgifu promptly dies of measles.


It seems like everything my penis touches dies a horrible death. Even Wulfthryth, uncle Skjalg's wife, died the other day, though I can't figure out how.

Anyway, three weeks later I'm married to Princess Agathe of the Holy Roman Empire. Mourning is for others.

My daughter Cecilia grows up, claiming to be a Brilliant Strategist.

What makes it funny is her Hungarian accent, puny frame and harelip. I marry her off to Lochlann, Duke Conn's son, in hopes of making a detrimental impact on their genome.

With little else to do, I decide to increase Crown Authority in Ireland.


Since everyone loves me in Ireland, as I have given them all their titles, it takes only six days for the law to be approved.

I marry my other daughter, Gunnhild, to the Duchy of Orkneyjar, where she becomes Spymaster.

Later, my penis claims its fourth victim.


To make my sexually-frustrated mood even worse, my Spymaster catches wind of my dear Cecilia plotting to have Máel-Madoc murdered! I demand that she ends it and she complies. I'm very relieved, since using my most dangerous weapon on her would be kind of squicky.

Better news arrive at last in March 1168.


Well if I can conquer one kingdom, why not another?

As the warm winds of spring blow from the south, I take a moment to admire the fairness of my Emerald Is


I was bored anyway.

The war is pretty boring. It's like the Scots have lost all will to fight me. I don't even recruit any mercenaries this time. One 736-man army is brushed aside as I plop down some sieges. Several other levies are destroyed, none larger than 500 men. Then it's just a matter of waiting out the



OH GODDAMN IT!

NO!

NO!

NO!

I WILL NOT HAVE IT!

NO!

IF YOU DIE YOU ANTHRAX-DICKED SNOTWAD I WILL BREAK EVERYONE YOU HOLD DEAR

FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUDDY-DUDDYORSOMETHINGIDON'TREALLYKNOW

Okay. Erhem.

Anyway



Since this pushes me over my demesne limit, I hand the county over to the same Hungarian Chancellor who fabricated the claim. Feels like he earned it, somehow. Y'know, I like to roleplay a bit, at least now and then, it makes the game so much more f



FINE JUST DIE JUST DIE JUST DIE ALREADY STOP TEASING ME YOU FUDGING MOTHERGENTLY CARESSING SON OF A UNFRIENDLY LADY AND A DOUGHNUTPOOPING CANDY-ASSGOTTING SLOPBUCKET I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE EVERYTHING I DON'T KNOW WHY I PUT UP WITH THIS GAME I SHOULD JUST THROW THIS STUPID COMPUTER OUT THE WINDOW OUT AND HAN


Wait, what was I angry about, again? Nevermind.

More good news arrive in autumn of the same year with the death of my wife. Good because she had been incapable for some time, poor thing, and good because now I can get myself some sweet tight pstewardship. For my demesne limit. Because I'm economically considerate.


Vagina.

Then I make Máel-Madoc my Spymaster, just before realizing that making a Councillor out of your heir is generally a bad idea, considering the mortality rate of many of their missions. My grandson will be orchestrating counter-espionage operations from within the safety of his bedroom, thank you very much.

Furthermore, I institute the Small Feudal Tax Law, the benefits of which are hotly debated. I won't really get into it here, but you get 10% of your feudal vassals'(ie. dukes, counts and barons. Kings if you're an emperor) total income, but suffer a -10 opinion malus. I leave up to you whether it is a balanced trade, but in my experience, the amount of gold that actually comes in seems to be very small.


I'm 60 years old. I should be doing a Duracell commercial.

Note that my heir has great-uncles and great-aunts younger than him!

I also spend a wad of cash to hold a Grand Tournament which my accountant Steward wins, much to everyone else's embarrassment.

I also get to know my wife, who, it turns out, is Orthodox Christian. I demand her conversion right away and she reluctantly accepts. I don't know how this never came up before. It's like we weren't talking!

My daughter Eadhild(which mother?) complains about her not being married, so I send her off to some bloke in Österreich to get some peace and quiet at the dinner table.

In March, I fall victim to a devastating fever.

In April I disappoint everyone by recovering from the illness.



Finally I decide to usurp the Duchy of Albany in order to continue munching on Scotland, capitalizing on a weak monarch and the independence of the Duchy of Moray(a full third of the part of Scotland I don't control yet).


Why pick on someone my own size when I can take candy from babies?

I barely need to mention anything about the prosecution of the war. In fact, I only call up my own personal levies, not even hiring any mercenaries.

THEN


Without hesitation, I spend most of my money to get a claim on a province that I am already pursuing a war to gain.

I am not a clever man.

Or am I?



HA! Victory yet again!



Ohoho, the claims are just rolling in these days!

I'm building up a treasure in preparation for pressing the claim when I notice that Máel-Máedoc has gotten himself a son. I have a great-grandson!



I can't say I'm happy with his name, though. I just call him Máel-Mámumblemumble. It seems to get the point across.

Also, since my daughter Ingjerd(I just nod and say "yeah" and "uh-huhm" whenever they mention their mothers by now) was whining about her single status, I marry her off to a Prince of the Empire. Peace at the dinner table again!

Still, I can't just sit and do nothing, so I declare war on Moray to kill time. And men, I guess.



The Bård taketh life and giveth it.

Moray actually put up a fiercer fight than Scotland, going so far as to inflict the first military defeat I have ever suffered during the course of this AAR on a 232-man levy I raised in Gowrie and completely forgot about. Embarrassingly, I'm forced to raise levies from my grandson's lands to deal with the 600-man nuisance while my personal levies siege Moray.


The outcome is, of course, never in question.

With that final conquest, I can finally finish my quest:



My only regret is that I only have a single head to bear all these crowns.

In April 1190, I am made aware that my wife is plotting to murder my granddaughter Gyrid, daughter of my son Bård, probably hoping to bring her own children up the line of succession. Without speaking a word, I drag her down to the dungeons and show her what remains of the bones of Éua. She decides to give up the plot. Good girl.



That's both of my sons from my first marriage that I have outlived. I thought peace was all about sons burying their fathers?

Apparently my grandson has similar thoughts:


Patience is not a Crovan virtue. Of course, I could just step down and eventually the two kingdoms would be united again when I pass on. On the other hand, there is just something about giving a kingdom away for free that I can't abide.

No.

No.

Patience is not a Crovan virtue, but neither is reasonability. It's time to teach my good-for-nothing Irish grandson to respect his elders. I am the King of Scotland until the day I die! I am the patriarch of the Crovan family and I will not be bullied by some snot-nosed bastard with delusions of gran