Saltborn: A Crovan AAR
- Thread starter Werewhale
- Start date
-
We have updated our Community Code of Conduct. Please read through the new rules for the forum that are an integral part of Paradox Interactive’s User Agreement.
After you reunited the two Dukedoms, make Ulster your primary title. You should be able to switch to primogeniture since Ireland has no CA.
When we left the Crovans last time, the Duchy of the Isles had fallen to a 5-year-old boy. To make matters worse, his younger brother, Harald, has inherited not only the Duchy of Ulster and all vassals under that title, but somehow he also got Atholl, and the scumbag Ua Ímair of the County of Ulster also control Carrick and Mann, but swear fealty to Harald Gunnarsson.
Bård's mother is appointed Regent over the fractured realm.
If nothing else, her superb Intrigue score should defend Bård from any attempt to consolidate the realm with his death. Naturally, she is appointed Spymaster of the realm.
As you can also see in the picture, with us no longer in control of the County of Atholl, the war with Scotland ends inconclusively.
The conclusion of all this is that I go back to waiting a lot, improving my holdings and seeing what happens. Aunt Gjertrud complains about her not being married, and is ignored. Aunts don't work for alliances and there are enough people around with claims on my titles.
At least one of Gunnar's plots comes to a conclusion:
As the eldest child of Uncle Torgil's brothers, I inherit his single title, de jure duchies be damned. That's one county reclaimed of the six my brother Harald wrongfully usurped from my rule!
A couple of courtiers demand Council positions, but Count Gilla Brigte of Argyll stays on as Marshal despite his low military score. I really can't afford to offend any landed person at this time. Count Loingsech of Galloway is already on the brink of
(The pre-teen Bård was not often allowed write diplomatic messages, but when he was, he took to it with gusto)
Ah, that.
Now, normally I would scoff at a single-province Count declaring a war of independence on me, but the very embarrassing fact is that, after the losses taken in the Scottish war, he can actually field more men than I can. To make matters worse, the only mercenaries I can afford to hire are either completely depleted or already hired. I am forced to think creatively.
I raise the 325 men that I can and board them as quick as greased lightning, ship them off to Tyrone and march to confront Loingsech's 358 men crossing the Irish Sea into Ulster(on their way to siege Tyrone I assume). I hope the hilly terrain bonus and crossing penalty will lend my army the edge it needs to defeat the CK2 maxim of "The larger army wins".
OH YEEAAAHHH
Now it's just a matter of
GODDAMN FUDGING FUDGE CHOCOLATE
Looks like I'll be hiring mercenaries after all...
OK, so I have 300 gold stocked up, technically I could buy anything but the White Company, but the thing is I stocked that money up back when I had a respectable income. My income right now is abysmal, and I need to conserve my moneys in case I need to hire mercenaries again soon. So I settle on dishing out 60 for the Breton Band. Though the window indicates higher monthly cost than the Saxon Band, I'll be paying a fraction of the displayed cost due to the company not being at full strength.
That being done, the final outcome of the war is never in dispute, though Loingsech manages to delay it a few times when siege attrition brings my numbers below that of his garrison, only to have mercenary reinforcement turn the tables again a few weeks later.
Finally, however, I'm able to imprison him and get some goodies:
Crisis averted. The only count-level vassal remaining is the Earl of Argyll, of House Airergaidil, and he has been loyal to all four Crovans he has served so far.
I sit back, continue growing up and watch the world...
Then this guy gets all up in my face!
After allowing Oriel to remain independent because Count Domnall MacDúnchad Ua mumblemumble is the son of Gudrod's sister(or grandson. Whatever. A Crovan female is somewhere in his family tree. The ultra-fast Crovan generations make things confusing), he rewards us with this sort of insult! THIS WILL NOT BE TOLERATED.
Forever.
Being a little boy, I suppose I will have to tolerate him for a bit first.
DENIED!
I usually consider mercy, but this guy just got on my nerves something fierce. I shall enjoy watching him die.
Meanwhile, Mother raises me up right:
I'm actually quite impressed by her parental skills.
In August 1122, King Neil of Scotland, after claiming Atholl from my stupid brother, wants to institute High Crown Authority. I ignore it. In March next year, Queen Caisséne wants to do the same in Ireland WAIT WHAT?!
Well, that throws Tarnor's suggestion right out the window. Crapcrapcrapcrapcrap. It's only a matter of time before they swallow up Desmond and Breifne and come after the counties of Ulster. I'm caught between the hammer and anvil here, maybe I should consider swearing fealty to either...
FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUDGE!
My scumwad brother has sworn fealty to the Queen of Ireland! Now I can't conquer my brother through conventional means since I cannot contend with Ireland's power. Damnitdamnitdamnitdamnit
I could assassinate him, but with my experience of assassi
Nothing says legitimate rulership like fratricide.
I celebrate by stuffing my face full in the kitchens, but mother scolds me and declares the kitchens off limits. Stupid mom.
On 14 October 1123 I find that Queen Caisséne has acquired a claim on the County of Tyrconnell. The Irish invasion draws ever closer, and there is not much I can do about it.
What I can do something about, however, is the Ua Ímair rule over far too large a part of my realm. While the rebellion of Count Loingsech of Galloway has stripped one County away from them, Ulster, Mann and Carrick are still united.
Under a Countess.
Who is unmarried.
So am I.
BOOM!
Werewhale's Crusader Kings 2 Tip #4: When your sword fails, use your dagger. When your dagger fails, use your penis.
Bård's mother is appointed Regent over the fractured realm.
If nothing else, her superb Intrigue score should defend Bård from any attempt to consolidate the realm with his death. Naturally, she is appointed Spymaster of the realm.
As you can also see in the picture, with us no longer in control of the County of Atholl, the war with Scotland ends inconclusively.
The conclusion of all this is that I go back to waiting a lot, improving my holdings and seeing what happens. Aunt Gjertrud complains about her not being married, and is ignored. Aunts don't work for alliances and there are enough people around with claims on my titles.
At least one of Gunnar's plots comes to a conclusion:
As the eldest child of Uncle Torgil's brothers, I inherit his single title, de jure duchies be damned. That's one county reclaimed of the six my brother Harald wrongfully usurped from my rule!
A couple of courtiers demand Council positions, but Count Gilla Brigte of Argyll stays on as Marshal despite his low military score. I really can't afford to offend any landed person at this time. Count Loingsech of Galloway is already on the brink of
(The pre-teen Bård was not often allowed write diplomatic messages, but when he was, he took to it with gusto)
Ah, that.
Now, normally I would scoff at a single-province Count declaring a war of independence on me, but the very embarrassing fact is that, after the losses taken in the Scottish war, he can actually field more men than I can. To make matters worse, the only mercenaries I can afford to hire are either completely depleted or already hired. I am forced to think creatively.
I raise the 325 men that I can and board them as quick as greased lightning, ship them off to Tyrone and march to confront Loingsech's 358 men crossing the Irish Sea into Ulster(on their way to siege Tyrone I assume). I hope the hilly terrain bonus and crossing penalty will lend my army the edge it needs to defeat the CK2 maxim of "The larger army wins".
OH YEEAAAHHH
Now it's just a matter of
GODDAMN FUDGING FUDGE CHOCOLATE
Looks like I'll be hiring mercenaries after all...
OK, so I have 300 gold stocked up, technically I could buy anything but the White Company, but the thing is I stocked that money up back when I had a respectable income. My income right now is abysmal, and I need to conserve my moneys in case I need to hire mercenaries again soon. So I settle on dishing out 60 for the Breton Band. Though the window indicates higher monthly cost than the Saxon Band, I'll be paying a fraction of the displayed cost due to the company not being at full strength.
That being done, the final outcome of the war is never in dispute, though Loingsech manages to delay it a few times when siege attrition brings my numbers below that of his garrison, only to have mercenary reinforcement turn the tables again a few weeks later.
Finally, however, I'm able to imprison him and get some goodies:
Crisis averted. The only count-level vassal remaining is the Earl of Argyll, of House Airergaidil, and he has been loyal to all four Crovans he has served so far.
I sit back, continue growing up and watch the world...
Then this guy gets all up in my face!
After allowing Oriel to remain independent because Count Domnall MacDúnchad Ua mumblemumble is the son of Gudrod's sister(or grandson. Whatever. A Crovan female is somewhere in his family tree. The ultra-fast Crovan generations make things confusing), he rewards us with this sort of insult! THIS WILL NOT BE TOLERATED.
Forever.
Being a little boy, I suppose I will have to tolerate him for a bit first.
DENIED!
I usually consider mercy, but this guy just got on my nerves something fierce. I shall enjoy watching him die.
Meanwhile, Mother raises me up right:
I'm actually quite impressed by her parental skills.
In August 1122, King Neil of Scotland, after claiming Atholl from my stupid brother, wants to institute High Crown Authority. I ignore it. In March next year, Queen Caisséne wants to do the same in Ireland WAIT WHAT?!
Well, that throws Tarnor's suggestion right out the window. Crapcrapcrapcrapcrap. It's only a matter of time before they swallow up Desmond and Breifne and come after the counties of Ulster. I'm caught between the hammer and anvil here, maybe I should consider swearing fealty to either...
FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUDGE!
My scumwad brother has sworn fealty to the Queen of Ireland! Now I can't conquer my brother through conventional means since I cannot contend with Ireland's power. Damnitdamnitdamnitdamnit
I could assassinate him, but with my experience of assassi
Nothing says legitimate rulership like fratricide.
I celebrate by stuffing my face full in the kitchens, but mother scolds me and declares the kitchens off limits. Stupid mom.
On 14 October 1123 I find that Queen Caisséne has acquired a claim on the County of Tyrconnell. The Irish invasion draws ever closer, and there is not much I can do about it.
What I can do something about, however, is the Ua Ímair rule over far too large a part of my realm. While the rebellion of Count Loingsech of Galloway has stripped one County away from them, Ulster, Mann and Carrick are still united.
Under a Countess.
Who is unmarried.
So am I.
BOOM!
Werewhale's Crusader Kings 2 Tip #4: When your sword fails, use your dagger. When your dagger fails, use your penis.
No problem, It should be more family-friendly now.
It's embarrassing how many times I had to die before I learned to use the "Appoint Leader" button.
Thanks for the tip, but as you can see, I've been outmaneuvered D:
A Big Wet Thank You to everyone else who has commented!
Killing time is difficult as a 13-year-old boy in the Isles. So I start killing other things...
But Mother is not impressed, and educates me with extreme prejudice.
Instead of torturing vermin I take a look over the border:
Ha! Scotland gets punished for their transgressions!
The next few years pass by with little to note. A troop of Hedge Knights visits and I grab the opportunity to get the 'Gregarious' trait and lose a bunch of money. I put down a peasant revolt in Mann. Earl Domnall of Oriel refuses to swear fealty to me and my Marshal gets some ideas to improve military technology gain in Innse Gall.
Then I get a sad:
Mommy dies at the venerable age of 38, leaving me in the care of Skjalg Crovan, my younger uncle, and also my heir. He is a cruel and lazy man and I'm already wary of any Regent that is heir to his charge. Luckily, I only need to survive another five months before I can take the reins.
Tick.
Tock.
Tick.
Tock.
Tick.
Tock.
BING!
I've graduated! And... I'm actually pretty talented, unlike all my predecessors. Only my diplomatic abilities are below-par, and I'm a masterful commander, brave and diligent. Content is an unwelcome trait for an independent ruler, with a -2 to Intrigue, but otherwise not so bad.
I quickly marry my darling Éua and get a chest of gold for my efforts.
She is not quite so warm towards me as I had hoped, however.
She only tolerates me for the moment because of the peasants I had killed in Mann the other day. And she's angry because I'm the Duke of Ulster and she isn't.
Women, eh?
Speaking of marriages, I notice something interesting:
In this game, the Saxons won the three-sided war for England, with both William and Harald dying in battle, but the de Normandies manage to get their hands on Ireland through marriage. Notice that the marriage is a regular one, so all the children will be of the Norman dynasty. Time will tell if the monarchs will be of Norman culture as well.
But now, let's take another look over the border:
Oh my! Looks like King Duncan has got himself into a spot of bother! I follow closely. I should give them at least six months to wear each other down. Nothing unites a country like a foreign enemy, and if they are to put their enmity on hold to deal with me, I want them weak enough that I can deal with them even then.
Tick.
Tock.
Ti
Screw it. I've had it with waiting.
As per the modus operandi Islanderius, I hire the services of the Saxon Band for the campaign. They're the cheapest company available, but should still be enough to tip the war decidedly in my favour, especially with about half of Scotland's soldiers in rebellion.
While besieging Blair Atholl, I come across a beautiful falcon that i buy for my wife in the hopes of melting her heart.
In this I am sorely disappointed.
Furthermore, I find to my dismay that the Duke of Moray has been excommunicated. This is bad news because England and Ireland both have declared war upon Moray, leaving Scotland free to turn their full strength on me.
Fortunately, their full strength is not all that much at the moment.
In fact:
King Duncan folds surprisingly early. With only 33% warscore, he is ready to cede Atholl. Usually I have to occupy ALL THE THINGS before I can enforce my demands.
Few things are so satisfying as seeing your letters grow on the map. Aaah. Too bad that scary Ireland-thing ruins the view!
I savour the sweet taste of my new conquest over the next few years. I watch King Sigered of England snag another county off of southern Scotland. My Chancellor succeeds in Improving Relations with the Count of Oriel, but he still won't swear vassalage to me. I refuse to hand a title over to my uncle, naturally. The clergy taxes free peasants. Yawn. Éua and Ulv, my Court Chaplain, have some sort of dispute and she accuses him of treachery. I side with her to earn her favour and throw him into my dungeon, even though he warned me beforehand that she would frame him for some nonsense.
She still hates me.
Finally, I spend 180 gold to create the Duchy of Galloway, both for the prestige and to get a ducal claim on Clydesdale, which will allow me to connect Carrick and Argyll directly, rather than having to hook through Ireland.
De jure duchies map mode
But at the moment, Lothian is in rebellion against the Scottish king, and I hate beating down a revolter state only for the war to suddenly end inconclusively as they make peace with their liege. So I put my plans on Clydesdale on hold. Things are coming to a head in Ireland anyway:
Queen Caisséne has brought the last Irish count outside of Ulster under her heel. Or rather, it was the Duke of Munster who did it, but the result is the same: Only three players remain on the Emerald Isle. So I abandon all pretensions of diplomacy towards Count Domnall of Oriel and beat him down into submission on the battlefield(or siegefield or whatever).
To get a moment's quiet in the castle, I arrange a marriage for my uncle and heir, pairing him with a young Bohemian princess:
I later come to regret this as my court slowly seems to turn Bohemian over the years
When the truce runs out, I declare Round Two on King Duncan, who has now unified his realm after a prolonged and devastating civil war. He still had the time to earn the nickname 'The Just'. I haven't gotten a single nickname yet...
The unwillingness of my wife to produce some offspring for me leads to my taking matters into my own hands. So, naturally, I borrow my uncle's new wife.
He may or may not have given me permission to do that. Her. To do her. BAM!
Still, the moral side of banging my uncle's brand new wife bothers me, so I go kill some Scotsmen to take my mind off of it.
Scotland hasn't managed to recover from the travails of the recent past, so the war, especially with my Saxon Band in the field, is fairly lopsided.
I follow the Scots around, beating them up like a red-headed stepchild when suddenly:
Uncle Skjalg is so going to blame me for this somehow.
But Mother is not impressed, and educates me with extreme prejudice.
Instead of torturing vermin I take a look over the border:
Ha! Scotland gets punished for their transgressions!
The next few years pass by with little to note. A troop of Hedge Knights visits and I grab the opportunity to get the 'Gregarious' trait and lose a bunch of money. I put down a peasant revolt in Mann. Earl Domnall of Oriel refuses to swear fealty to me and my Marshal gets some ideas to improve military technology gain in Innse Gall.
Then I get a sad:
Mommy dies at the venerable age of 38, leaving me in the care of Skjalg Crovan, my younger uncle, and also my heir. He is a cruel and lazy man and I'm already wary of any Regent that is heir to his charge. Luckily, I only need to survive another five months before I can take the reins.
Tick.
Tock.
Tick.
Tock.
Tick.
Tock.
BING!
I've graduated! And... I'm actually pretty talented, unlike all my predecessors. Only my diplomatic abilities are below-par, and I'm a masterful commander, brave and diligent. Content is an unwelcome trait for an independent ruler, with a -2 to Intrigue, but otherwise not so bad.
I quickly marry my darling Éua and get a chest of gold for my efforts.
She is not quite so warm towards me as I had hoped, however.
She only tolerates me for the moment because of the peasants I had killed in Mann the other day. And she's angry because I'm the Duke of Ulster and she isn't.
Women, eh?
Speaking of marriages, I notice something interesting:
In this game, the Saxons won the three-sided war for England, with both William and Harald dying in battle, but the de Normandies manage to get their hands on Ireland through marriage. Notice that the marriage is a regular one, so all the children will be of the Norman dynasty. Time will tell if the monarchs will be of Norman culture as well.
But now, let's take another look over the border:
Oh my! Looks like King Duncan has got himself into a spot of bother! I follow closely. I should give them at least six months to wear each other down. Nothing unites a country like a foreign enemy, and if they are to put their enmity on hold to deal with me, I want them weak enough that I can deal with them even then.
Tick.
Tock.
Ti
Screw it. I've had it with waiting.
As per the modus operandi Islanderius, I hire the services of the Saxon Band for the campaign. They're the cheapest company available, but should still be enough to tip the war decidedly in my favour, especially with about half of Scotland's soldiers in rebellion.
While besieging Blair Atholl, I come across a beautiful falcon that i buy for my wife in the hopes of melting her heart.
In this I am sorely disappointed.
Furthermore, I find to my dismay that the Duke of Moray has been excommunicated. This is bad news because England and Ireland both have declared war upon Moray, leaving Scotland free to turn their full strength on me.
Fortunately, their full strength is not all that much at the moment.
In fact:
King Duncan folds surprisingly early. With only 33% warscore, he is ready to cede Atholl. Usually I have to occupy ALL THE THINGS before I can enforce my demands.
Few things are so satisfying as seeing your letters grow on the map. Aaah. Too bad that scary Ireland-thing ruins the view!
I savour the sweet taste of my new conquest over the next few years. I watch King Sigered of England snag another county off of southern Scotland. My Chancellor succeeds in Improving Relations with the Count of Oriel, but he still won't swear vassalage to me. I refuse to hand a title over to my uncle, naturally. The clergy taxes free peasants. Yawn. Éua and Ulv, my Court Chaplain, have some sort of dispute and she accuses him of treachery. I side with her to earn her favour and throw him into my dungeon, even though he warned me beforehand that she would frame him for some nonsense.
She still hates me.
Finally, I spend 180 gold to create the Duchy of Galloway, both for the prestige and to get a ducal claim on Clydesdale, which will allow me to connect Carrick and Argyll directly, rather than having to hook through Ireland.
De jure duchies map mode
But at the moment, Lothian is in rebellion against the Scottish king, and I hate beating down a revolter state only for the war to suddenly end inconclusively as they make peace with their liege. So I put my plans on Clydesdale on hold. Things are coming to a head in Ireland anyway:
Queen Caisséne has brought the last Irish count outside of Ulster under her heel. Or rather, it was the Duke of Munster who did it, but the result is the same: Only three players remain on the Emerald Isle. So I abandon all pretensions of diplomacy towards Count Domnall of Oriel and beat him down into submission on the battlefield(or siegefield or whatever).
To get a moment's quiet in the castle, I arrange a marriage for my uncle and heir, pairing him with a young Bohemian princess:
I later come to regret this as my court slowly seems to turn Bohemian over the years
When the truce runs out, I declare Round Two on King Duncan, who has now unified his realm after a prolonged and devastating civil war. He still had the time to earn the nickname 'The Just'. I haven't gotten a single nickname yet...
The unwillingness of my wife to produce some offspring for me leads to my taking matters into my own hands. So, naturally, I borrow my uncle's new wife.
He may or may not have given me permission to do that. Her. To do her. BAM!
Still, the moral side of banging my uncle's brand new wife bothers me, so I go kill some Scotsmen to take my mind off of it.
Scotland hasn't managed to recover from the travails of the recent past, so the war, especially with my Saxon Band in the field, is fairly lopsided.
I follow the Scots around, beating them up like a red-headed stepchild when suddenly:
Uncle Skjalg is so going to blame me for this somehow.
Scanned this -- great stuff! It's in my pile of AARs to read, where I can give it the proper attention it deserves 
When playing as the King or Norway, I married a Welsh princess and then I died literally the day after the acceptance arrived. So, naturally, my already married heir got jiggy with it - I had married him off to an old hag of a women, so naturally, my heir had about six bastard children, all legitimatized.
In the end, this turned out to be a poor decision as a Legit-Bastard King gets serious hits to his reputation with his vassals.
Also, you can appoint Army Leaders?! Holy crap. This changes things.
In the end, this turned out to be a poor decision as a Legit-Bastard King gets serious hits to his reputation with his vassals.
Also, you can appoint Army Leaders?! Holy crap. This changes things.
I wonder if you have a Craven Crovan. Ulster may be the Haven of Craven in Croven? The Raven of Croven is named Maven?
Ok, I'm done now. Good work on the AAR, keep it up.
Ok, I'm done now. Good work on the AAR, keep it up.
NO UPDATE FOR THREE FULL DAYS?!
DURING ELECTION TIME?!
Sorry for the slowdown everyone. It's been a busy time at work and I've even been called out when I was supposed to be on leave. It should be more manageable now.
And thanks to everyone who voted for me in the AAR contest! I really appreciate it.
Since I seem to have accidentally penetrated my uncle's wife to death, it is only fair that I should get him a new one.
Death-boning close relatives' wives is also very lucrative.
Wulfthryth of Hwicce is the daughter of the Duke of Lancaster. I think this will give children of the union claims on her father's titles. Which I will never be strong enough to pursue but it's nice to have them. Also she is young and I hope for her to make sure that if Skjalg inherits, I will not find myself without any further heirs.
The war against Scotland continues smoothly as I siege down the castles. Danger is found within my own realm, however:
Since I'm Deceitful and Not Crusading, the Pope has a negative opinion of me and is thus unwilling to un-excommunicate(Recommunicate? Incommunicate? Disexcommunicate?) me just yet. I send my Court Chaplain over to praise me and kiss the Pope's sanctified arse.
But the act severely damages the stability of my realm. Fortunately, the only two rebellious vassals are Earl Domnall himself plus... my wife...
Er, honey? We... we need to sit down and talk... No? Oh, okay. I'm making you High Almoner, I'll... I'll just send you a letter, okay?
At least the war is allowed to run its course as King Duncan admits defeat:
After this war I notice that I only need two more provinces in order to usurp the Kingdom of Scotland. And considering the ease with which I've been able to gnaw at them so far, I should be able to become a King before the next succession!
With my vassals' opinions of me at an all-time low, plots run rampant in the court:
I have the nagging suspicion that my dungeons shall become quite crowded in the next few years...
Really crowded. Maybe there's a way around that though?
I am not a terribly clever man.
I really need to get my vassals on my side before someone decides to
Ah, that. Excuse me for a moment.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Okay okay okay okay. I can deal with this. If I can break Scotland I can break Ireland.
Even though Ireland is bigger and hasn't been laid low by a long civil war.
Sure, no probz.
I have the Mercenary Recruitment Bureau on speed-dial by now, so within 24 hours of the declaration of war, Arnaud de Dinan has brought the Breton Band to the Isles.
THEN
I LOVE YOU RANDOM MAYOR-GUY
With the Irish-Islander war ending inconclusively, I can relax again and go back to that age-old tradition of watching my vassals plot against each other. Most pleasing of these is discovering a plot of Earl Domnall's sister to murder his son so that she can have a chance of inheriting the earldom.
More unsettling, however, is discovering a new side to my beloved wife:
While I admire her vindictiveness towards the woman who plotted to institute Elective Monarchy in the realm, I can't say I'm pleased with a belligerent vassal expanding their powerbase even further. We have a huge argument over this.
I'm not sure if we're doing it wrong or if everyone else is doing it wrong.
Nine months later I have a healthy son that I name Kolbein.
The next few years pass by with little upheaval. I take up hunting to pass the time and have another argument with my wife, which we decide to call Gunnhild.
As the winter snows fall upon my fair realm, Ireland rears its ugly head yet again as the Duke of Munster fabricates a claim on fair Tyrconnell. Quick to seize an opportunity to evict Norwegian rule from Ireland, Queen Caisséne declares war the following spring:
This time over, I won't be able to get out on a technicality like last time. On the other hand my rule has never been more secure. I call up all hands on deck to throw the Irish back, and acquire the services of Arnaud de Dinan and his Bretons yet again. With a combined force of almost four thousand men, we assault the Irish armies advancing into Ulster:
In fact, the Irish never manage to recover from that lightning strike. To make sure they can't raise and assemble a new army to challenge me, I split my army into three and position them so as to form a belt around the middle of Ireland, effectively cutting the two halves off from each other:
After this, the outcome is never in question. My wife still questions it, leading to yet another argument. We call him Bård. Because I'm just that awesome.
Queen Caisséne finally folds in April 1140:
Turns out that she had a claim of her own on the county. Maybe she isn't a very clever woman?
In the following years I make Earl Conn of Oriel Chancellor and give him a gift to improve our relations into the greens, then send him over to Carrick to praise my worth to my wife. It's going to make things less exciting in the marital bed but...
This somehow infuriates my wife like nobody's business. She claims to be absolutely outraged by the succession law change. I don't understand her. We have another row.
DURING ELECTION TIME?!
Sorry for the slowdown everyone. It's been a busy time at work and I've even been called out when I was supposed to be on leave. It should be more manageable now.
And thanks to everyone who voted for me in the AAR contest! I really appreciate it.
Since I seem to have accidentally penetrated my uncle's wife to death, it is only fair that I should get him a new one.
Death-boning close relatives' wives is also very lucrative.
Wulfthryth of Hwicce is the daughter of the Duke of Lancaster. I think this will give children of the union claims on her father's titles. Which I will never be strong enough to pursue but it's nice to have them. Also she is young and I hope for her to make sure that if Skjalg inherits, I will not find myself without any further heirs.
The war against Scotland continues smoothly as I siege down the castles. Danger is found within my own realm, however:
Since I'm Deceitful and Not Crusading, the Pope has a negative opinion of me and is thus unwilling to un-excommunicate(Recommunicate? Incommunicate? Disexcommunicate?) me just yet. I send my Court Chaplain over to praise me and kiss the Pope's sanctified arse.
But the act severely damages the stability of my realm. Fortunately, the only two rebellious vassals are Earl Domnall himself plus... my wife...
Er, honey? We... we need to sit down and talk... No? Oh, okay. I'm making you High Almoner, I'll... I'll just send you a letter, okay?
At least the war is allowed to run its course as King Duncan admits defeat:
After this war I notice that I only need two more provinces in order to usurp the Kingdom of Scotland. And considering the ease with which I've been able to gnaw at them so far, I should be able to become a King before the next succession!
With my vassals' opinions of me at an all-time low, plots run rampant in the court:
I have the nagging suspicion that my dungeons shall become quite crowded in the next few years...
Really crowded. Maybe there's a way around that though?
I am not a terribly clever man.
I really need to get my vassals on my side before someone decides to
Ah, that. Excuse me for a moment.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Okay okay okay okay. I can deal with this. If I can break Scotland I can break Ireland.
Even though Ireland is bigger and hasn't been laid low by a long civil war.
Sure, no probz.
I have the Mercenary Recruitment Bureau on speed-dial by now, so within 24 hours of the declaration of war, Arnaud de Dinan has brought the Breton Band to the Isles.
THEN
I LOVE YOU RANDOM MAYOR-GUY
With the Irish-Islander war ending inconclusively, I can relax again and go back to that age-old tradition of watching my vassals plot against each other. Most pleasing of these is discovering a plot of Earl Domnall's sister to murder his son so that she can have a chance of inheriting the earldom.
More unsettling, however, is discovering a new side to my beloved wife:
While I admire her vindictiveness towards the woman who plotted to institute Elective Monarchy in the realm, I can't say I'm pleased with a belligerent vassal expanding their powerbase even further. We have a huge argument over this.
I'm not sure if we're doing it wrong or if everyone else is doing it wrong.
Nine months later I have a healthy son that I name Kolbein.
The next few years pass by with little upheaval. I take up hunting to pass the time and have another argument with my wife, which we decide to call Gunnhild.
As the winter snows fall upon my fair realm, Ireland rears its ugly head yet again as the Duke of Munster fabricates a claim on fair Tyrconnell. Quick to seize an opportunity to evict Norwegian rule from Ireland, Queen Caisséne declares war the following spring:
This time over, I won't be able to get out on a technicality like last time. On the other hand my rule has never been more secure. I call up all hands on deck to throw the Irish back, and acquire the services of Arnaud de Dinan and his Bretons yet again. With a combined force of almost four thousand men, we assault the Irish armies advancing into Ulster:
In fact, the Irish never manage to recover from that lightning strike. To make sure they can't raise and assemble a new army to challenge me, I split my army into three and position them so as to form a belt around the middle of Ireland, effectively cutting the two halves off from each other:
After this, the outcome is never in question. My wife still questions it, leading to yet another argument. We call him Bård. Because I'm just that awesome.
Queen Caisséne finally folds in April 1140:
Turns out that she had a claim of her own on the county. Maybe she isn't a very clever woman?
In the following years I make Earl Conn of Oriel Chancellor and give him a gift to improve our relations into the greens, then send him over to Carrick to praise my worth to my wife. It's going to make things less exciting in the marital bed but...
This somehow infuriates my wife like nobody's business. She claims to be absolutely outraged by the succession law change. I don't understand her. We have another row.
Last edited:
- 1
Hi, realise you are trying for a style of humour but you need to stick to forum rules on language. 'Suck it Bitch' doesn't really fit within a family friendly forum
