Springtime for Hit-LAAR: 1936 German Reich

Saithis said:

Delightful as always, I love it! Nice job with the French coup, I doubt Tommy ever saw that one coming.

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Thanks! For whatever reason, it always seems easier to spread National Socialism in France than in a lot of other countries. I presume it's because the French don't make as much use of the `Support Ruling Party` mission. You can see for example a dramatic difference in the party support between the French NSDAP party and the German-American Bund in the US, even though I've been giving each consistent levels of support.

As another reminder to all readers and lurkers, voting is open for both the Iron HeAARt 2011 awards as well as the first quarter AARland Choice AwAARds. Be sure to pop over to support your favorite writers! I also recommend viewing some of the other AARs that have been nominated by others, you never know what gems you might discover.

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{ FAGIN }
Adolf! Adolf! Oy, do I have some news! Adolf! Where is he?

{ IRWIN }
Last I heard he was in the bathroom, but that was over an hour ago...

{ FAGIN }
(pounds on door) Adolf? Are you in there?

{ ADOLF }
(giggles)

{ FAGIN }
(pounds on door) Adolf! I have important news!

{ ADOLF }
Adolf’s not here, man! (giggles)

{ FAGIN }
Oy veh... I know you’re in there, I just heard you!

{ ADOLF }
Alright baby, cool out, just let me crack open a window... (coughs)

(opens door, waves away smoke) What’s going on, man?

{ FAGIN }
I’m so ver clempt... we finally got the French to agree to join our little party here.


{ ADOLF }
Groovy, baby! What about the Italians and the Japanese?

{ FAGIN }
Well, we don’t need them for anything, so it seems safer to leave them alone in case they want to start a war. We know Il Duce has his eye on Greece and the Japanese have their eye on Indonesia. Cleo also says we have to watch out for a possible Japanese-USA war. Seems like she’s in my office every five minutes bringing that up- she’s such a yenta, I’m telling you! But the Italians must be jealous since they keep making their own treaties left, right, and center!


{ ADOLF }
Alright man. Irwin, how’s that whole war thing working out? Those cats at OKW being cool or what?

{ IRWIN }
Well, I think this fellow sums it up pretty well. As you can see, Deutschland is happy and gay:


We’re actually pretty relieved, as he’s finally stopped pestering us about building City Walls.

{ ADOLF }
I can dig it. And what about those English cats?

{ IRWIN }
Well, you can see that we basically had things taken care of by the end of the year:


And as their territory shrank, we finally started to get some good use out of the wings of Naval Bombers we had prepped up. Both to bomb the British and to bomb the Red Navy. Every so often they sail out from Leningrad and try to reach the North Sea, but we catch ‘em and bomb ‘em before they get very far.


In the Mediterranean, our Marines went from Gibraltar to Malta and then to Cyprus. After that we were able to divert some men from Britain to help seize Egypt. That went off without a hitch. Then we just needed to grab a couple of coastal cities in India, and it was all over. The United Kingdom is now our puppet, although we did claim some of the Mediterranean islands as reparations for the Great War reparations.


{ ADOLF }
Sweet. So now we can just Flower Power all their puppets, right?

{ FAGIN }
Errr... erm... ahem... oy... I’m schvitzing like a shlimazl here...

{ ADOLF }
Just spit it out baby. We’re all cool here.

{ FAGIN }
Well, when the UK surrendered, all their puppets became independent and Iraq took charge of their end of the war. The big scheme was to then use coups to make sure we only had to fight Iraq. As you can see, we were in pretty good shape to try that...


{ ADOLF }
And?

{ FAGIN }
Well, for some reason, we weren’t allowed to start any coups in any of these countries. I keep getting told `Their party position is too strong`, even when it’s our party that has the highest popularity. It’s a big puzzle... so either there was a coup without us, and we missed our chance, or something else is going on.

{ ADOLF }
Man, that’s a bummer baby. So then what?

{ IRWIN }
Well, it was no big deal; I just had to order the army to invade Iraq, Oman, Yemen, Bhutan, and Nepal. Easy as falling off a log.


{ ADOLF }
Sweet. So now where we at?

{ IRWIN }
Well, we are proud to announce that the Allies are now gone.


{ ADOLF }
Groovy, baby! Well, if we don’t have to worry about the UK any more, go ahead and let the Duce into our little club here.

{ FAGIN }
Right away, sir!


{ ADOLF }
Anything else I need to know? I’m getting the munchies again real bad... (giggles)

{ FAGIN }
Well, we got a wire that the Romanians are threatened by Bulgaria. For some reason this is making them beat down our door to join up with us.

{ ADOLF }
Hmmpf... after they snubbed their noses at us when I tried to ask nicely, I’m inclined to say `no`, but I guess the more the merrier. Let ‘em in.

{ FAGIN }
Okay, will do. As my bubbala always says, Romanians *inside* your home are easier to watch than those *outside*!

{ ADOLF }
Oh, hey, wait a minute... does Romania border the Soviet Union? Won’t this lead to the Red Army sending tanks to Berlin or something?

{ IRWIN }
An entirely worrisome prospect, sir, but it seems Stalin doesn’t want to antagonize the Romanian hordes. Either that or he’s too much of a wuss to order an attack across a river.

{ FAGIN }
I think you mean schmuck.

{ IRWIN }
Whatever.


{ ADOLF }
Alright... so then what are we doing to take those cats on?

{ DOC }
One-point-twenty-one gigawatts!

{ ADOLF }
Wait, what?

{ DOC }
Sorry, still practicing! Irwin told me that since so many of the Soviet forces are sitting there facing off with Romania, he wanted more special forces to stage a major campaign behind the lines.

{ IRWIN }
That’s right. Marines to seize the Crimea and Mountain troops to make a drive directly from the Black Sea to Stalingrad. We’ll cut off a lot of their resources and siphon off troops from the Romanian front, and possibly even Leningrad.

{ DOC }
Right. So, to that effect, I’ve got an entire Army’s worth of Marines and an Army of Mountaineers in the pipeline. Also a bunch of Garrison divisions to cover all our shiny new ports. Having a bit of a problem though...

{ ADOLF }
Oh? What’s that baby?

{ DOC }
Well, we’re having a bit of a crunch in the metals department.


{ ADOLF }
Why’s that? I thought you said that robot of yours would solve all our resource problems?

{ DOC }
Well, technically, *it* said that, not me! (waves over AWESOM-O)

{ ADOLF }
What’s the story with this shortage, baby? It’s bringing me down.

{ AWESOM-O }
(monotone) DOES NOT COM-PUTE.

{ ADOLF }
What? C’mon baby, we gots ta have our metals. What’s the problem?

{ AWESOM-O }
(monotone) AL-LOW ME TO GET MY SUP-ER-VI-SOR

{ ADOLF }
Passing the buck, eh? Alright baby...


{ ROBBY }
Danger! Danger! May I help you?

{ ADOLF }
Yeah, baby. That other little robot said it could get us all the trade deals we wanted, but we ran out of metals anyway.

{ ROBBY }
Did you construct enough Convoys?

{ ADOLF }
Of course, baby.

{ ROBBY }
I see. Please allow me to get my supervisor...

{ FAGIN }
Oy.

{ ADOLF }
You said it baby.


{ KITT }
(whirr-whirr) Yes? Can I help you? (whirr-whirr)

{ ADOLF }
Yeah, man. We were promised all the resources our factories could use, but we still ran out of metals. And don’t ask if we have enough Convoys, ‘cause we do.

{ KITT }
(whirr-whirr) That is quite a predicament. I don’t see why I was asked to help, since I’m technically an Artificial Intelligence, not a robot. I just happen to be inside a car. (whirr-whirr) Let me get *my* supervisor. (whirr-whirr)

{ ADOLF }
Ah for the love of...


{ DALEK }
(monotone) YES? EX-TER-MIN-ATE!

{ ADOLF }
Yeah, baby, we were promised... ah, forget it.

{ DALEK }
(monotone) EX-TER-MIN-ATE! SHALL I SUM-MON MY SUP-ER-VI-SOR?

{ ADOLF }
Forget it baby, we’ll just deal with it. I’m sure we can handle those Russian cats, metals or no metals.

{ IRWIN }
That’s the spirit, sir!

{ DALEK }
(monotone) VER-Y WELL. WILL YOU FILL OUT THIS BRIEF SUR-VEY ON YOUR EX-PER-I-ENCE TO-DAY?

{ ADOLF }
What? Are you out of your mind, baby? No!

{ DALEK }
(monotone) O-BEY! YOU WILL O-BEY! YOU WILL FILL OUT THE SUR-VEY OR YOU WILL BE EX-TER-MIN-A-TED! EX-TER-MIN-A-TED!

{ FAGIN }
Oy.

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[post=13796411]Forward to next Update[/post]
[post=13705806]Back to previous Update[/post]​

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Saithis said:

AWESOME-O AND A DALEK IN STONER HITLER'S GERMANY?!

Oy gevalt.

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Avindian said:

You are entirely too awesome. You make the rest of us look bad!

Seriously, the Dalek in the tie nailed it for me.

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The AI bureaucracy may be unhelpful, but they do believe in maintaining a professional appearance...

Besides, I have to do something to get my hat in the ring for AARtist of the month, although I don't quite believe I pulled off the bow tie, hehehe...

cavebear3000 said:

.....your overture just blew my mind...

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Welcome, and thanks! I've wondered if I could catch any fans of A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum, since it isn't quite as funny if you can't sing along properly.

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{ ADOLF }
Alright Irwin, what’s been happening since we’ve been at war with those Russian cats? I’m ready for ya, lay it on me baby.

{ IRWIN }
Just a minute sir, I’m still stuck filling out this survey you dumped on me. Question #112: How important is it for you to speak with a human right away when you call us on the phone? A: Not important, B: Somewhat important, C: Very important, or D: Humans are inferior life-forms and should be exterminated. EX-TER-MIN-ATED!

{ ADOLF }
Alright baby, skip the survey, just get back to the war.

{ IRWIN }
No problem! Since we weren’t confident trying to attack across the river with our Romanian allies, we decided to start things off with a naval assault in the Crimea and Caucasus.


{ ADOLF }
We can still do that? I thought the Royal Navy hit us pretty hard.

{ IRWIN }
Well, they did a little. I did try to warn you that we couldn’t protect that many ships. (waves over naval attaché) Tell him.

{ NAVAL ATTACHE }
He warned you that we couldn’t protect that many ships.

{ IRWIN }
We had 25 or so Transports and lost 12 along with 4 screening ships. Not too bad I guess considering that we got England out of the deal. And the Soviet Navy is rated so lowly that we aren’t worried about replacing these losses. We figured what we have left was more than enough to commence operations. But let the field commander tell you... (waves over ODDBALL)

{ ADOLF }
Hello.

{ ODDBALL }
Hey, what’s up?

{ ADOLF }
Not much, just getting this war report. What’s up with you?

{ ODDBALL }
Nothin’, just giving this war report.

{ ADOLF }
True, true. (CHONG enters)

{ CHONG }
WAZZUP!

{ ADOLF }
WAZZUP!

{ ODDBALL }
Who’s that?

{ ADOLF }
Yo, Chong, say hello

{ CHONG }
Hello.

{ ODDBALL }
WAZZUP!

{ CHONG }
WAZZUP!

{ ADOLF }
...UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUP!

{ CHONG }
Yo, where’s that cool robot dude?

{ ODDBALL }
Hey, robot guy, get over here man! (waves over AWESOM-O)

{ AWESOM-O }
(monotone) YO.

{ CHONG }
WAZZUP!

{ AWESOM-O }
(monotone) WAZ-ZUP!

{ ODDBALL }
...UUUUUUUUUHH

{ ADOLF }
...UUUUUUUUUHH

{ AWESOM-O }
(monotone) ...UUUUUUUUUHH

{ CHONG }
...UUUUUPPPPP! Yo, hold on, that old dude is here. (indicates DOC) Hello, man!

{ DOC }
WAZZZUUHHHH...

{ ODDBALL }
...UUUUUUUUUHH

{ ADOLF }
...UUUUUUUUUHH

{ AWESOM-O }
(monotone) ...UUUUUUUUUHH

{ CHONG }
...UUUUUUUUUHH

{ ODDBALL }
...UUUUUUUUUHHP! (DOC, CHONG, and AWESOM-O leave)

{ ADOLF }
So what’s up baby?

{ ODDBALL }
Just watching the war, giving my report.

{ ADOLF }
True. True.

{ IRWIN }
(sighs) May I proceed, sir?

{ ADOLF }
You bet baby. Say, isn’t this cat American? What’s he doing over here?

{ ODDBALL }
Well, when I heard about your whole Flower Power thing, there were just too many positive waves for me to keep away.

{ ADOLF }
Groovy baby, I can dig it. So what happened?

{ IRWIN }
Well, by the time we were ready to invade, we had our two starting armies plus a Marine army and a Mountain army. We also had a major focus on getting more air wings to try and bomb the bejeezus out of them, too.


{ IRWIN }
You can see here that it was no trouble at all to make our invasions along the Black Sea coasts. So the landings were fine, but we did run into an issue...


{ ODDBALL }
Knock it off with the negative waves, man, we handled it.

{ ADOLF }
What issue?

{ IRWIN }
Well, we can cut through the Soviet troops like a hot knife through butter, especially in the Caucasus Mountains, but we just don’t have enough divisions to hold a contiguous front. This has delayed our progress since we’re afraid to move too far forward and create gaps in the lines that could allow the Soviets to encircle our troops.

{ ADOLF }
I see. Well, can’t we just do the Panzer thing and surround them instead?

{ IRWIN }
Well, since we went with the whole `promote the Air Force` deal and cut back on military spending to fund Doc’s projects, we didn’t actually build any new panzers. We also didn’t make enough Infantry divisions to hold a line from Leningrad to Stalingrad.

{ ADOLF }
Well. Everyone shall leave the room except for those who advised me to go with air power. (everyone appears nervous)

(laughs) Nah, I’m just messing’ with you cats! It’s alright baby. So what’s the plan, then?

{ IRWIN }
Well, after securing the Crimean Peninsula, we sent the rest of the army in to take Odessa and provide a breakout point for our Romanian allies. That went well as you can see. So we spent most of 1941 holding and expanding our reach in the Caucasus. It was decided to build up more Mountain troops to reinforce that theatre, so we’re devoting some manpower to that. And of course the Luftwaffe has been running missions day and night. They’ve been doing such a great job of that, they now have the nickname the ‘Great’ Air Force. We’re also proud to announce our men are all now battle-hardened veterans.


{ ADOLF }
Hmm a whole year gone by, you’d think we’d have more progress, baby. Any *good* news here?

{ ODDBALL }
Well, I have one tidbit for you that should make some positive waves.

{ ADOLF }
What’s that?

{ ODDBALL }
We solved the Metals shortage.

{ ADOLF }
Groovy, baby! How so?

{ ODDBALL }
We ran out of Rare Materials.


{ ADOLF }
That tears it! Send that robot over here!

{ AWESOM-O }
(monotone) YES?

{ ADOLF }
What’s the deal with the lack of rares? Are you making trade deals or what?

{ AWESOM-O }
(monotone) IS THAT AD-AM SAND-LER O-VER THERE? PLEASE EX-CUSE ME! (runs off)

{ ADOLF }
How did we run out of that stuff? What exactly is Doc doing with it?

{ IRWIN }
Well, he finally completed some research on a bomb powerful enough to squash the Russkies like a bug. However these bombs are going to require a lot of radioactive material that we don’t have yet, so he’s got some new nuclear reactors going up in Berlin. He gave me these models to show what the reactors will look like, and he sends his apologies that they’re not to scale.


{ ADOLF }
Alright baby. So what’s been going on while we’re waiting for that?

{ IRWIN }
Well in 1942, our manpower ran out. We’re also at the point where the amount of reinforcements our army needs has gone beyond what we can produce in a month.

{ ADOLF }
How did that happen? What are we, Canada?


{ ODDBALL }
No need for the negative waves, sir, it’s no big deal. Everybody is holding just fine even without the replacements.

{ ADOLF }
I see. What’s with this little grey blob on the map over there? (points at the map)

{ IRWIN }
Oh, that? It’s Stalingrad. We sent some of the Mountaineers over to rush for it when it seemed we were getting close. To clinch the deal we sent some Paratroops in to help nab the city. Afterward the Russians started to make a major push and we couldn’t hold the supply line to the city.


{ ADOLF }
That doesn’t sound cool. Who’s in command over there?

{ IRWIN }
Paulus, sir.

{ ADOLF }
Good man, is he?

{ IRWIN }
Well, good enough. But I have the feeling that 75 years from now he’s only going to be remembered as the guy who held Stalingrad.

{ CLEO }
Dat’s right, mon. No-one will care about his early law career or da fact that he won de Breitenau Ballroom Dance championships tree years runnin!

{ ADOLF }
Alright, baby. Can he hold?

{ IRWIN }
You bet. We have Junkers transport aircraft lifting him supplies around the clock. Since we have complete air superiority, there shouldn’t be a problem with him holding out. In fact, the Reds have already tried several times to dislodge him but to no effect. We’re quite proud of the men, there sir, and would like to get Paulus promoted to Field Marshal.


{ ADOLF }
Groovy baby, I approve. But why are we going all-out to hold that city?

{ IRWIN }
We need to hold key cities that are deemed important to the Soviet People to force them to surrender. Since we’re so far away from Moscow and not ready to try and take Leningrad by sea yet, Stalingrad is the only key city we can reach unless we invite Japan in and have them take Vladivostok.

{ ADOLF }
Why don’t we do that, baby?

{ IRWIN }
Well, Cleo has been warning us that if we get the Japanese into the Axis too soon, they’ll thank us by declaring war on the USA.

{ CLEO }
Dat’s right, mon.

{ ODDBALL }
Ouch, those are some negative waves right there.

{ ADOLF }
Hmm. Well, how is this scheme of yours working out then?

{ IRWIN }
It is working, but the going is very slow. In tandem with holding Stalingrad our bombing campaign is also trying to erode the Soviets’ will to fight. As you can see, this is actually working. At the start of the war 4 out of 5 dentists- err, Russians, supported the government, but now only about 1 in 2 do. Even if we take no more territory, eventually they will get bombed into submission.


{ ADOLF }
I can’t help but notice that now it’s 1942 and I still see that France is the only member outside of the usual suspects that has joined up with us. What happened with Flower Power baby? Where’s Fritz?

{ IRWIN }
Well, diplomacy will only take you so far, sir. Right now Fritz is off on vacation back in Duesseldorf. He said something along the lines of `my bubbala always says, “all work and no play makes Fa- err, Fritz, a dull boy.”` Basically he’s been spending the last couple of years complaining that every time he extends an offer for a country to hook up with us, they keep saying `no`. Our coup attempts haven’t gone so hot, either, as you can see from his report.


{ ADOLF }
Alright baby. Looks like we still have a long road ahead. Keep up the hard work, and let’s not forget the most important thing...

{ ODDBALL }
Positive waves?

{ ADOLF }
True. True.

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[post=13737272]Back to previous Update[/post]​

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Rendap said:

Groovy! Positive Waves all around. Except for those not embracing positive waves and rejecting the flower power movement coups......

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They shall learn that we Germans are not all Smiles und Sunshine...

mnplastic said:

This is so far an alternative German history of alternative history

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It will get weirder, trust me. And welcome!

Stabber said:

Oddball is here ! The circle is almost complete !

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Saithis said:

So many red army troops swarming all over that border...fascinating to see a 'Crimea/Caucasus first' invasion of the USSR.

Funny stuff as always, I feel sorry for poor Irwin trying to keep everything together!

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Mwahahaha!

This strategy might actually be viable in a more `real` game. As it is I am only taking the attack on the USSR half-seriously since the combat is not my main focus here. What I could do is use 50 Mountain divisions to grab the Caucasus and hold a line at Stalingrad, then use an army group to distract STAVKA in the Crimea. Once it looks like Red Army is fully committed down there and has started to pull troops off from other fronts, then suddenly seize Leningrad, Murmansk, and Archangel. Finally send the panzers on a race down from the north to Moscow, possibly supplementing their supply with airlifts until they hit the capital. I would assume that I have stayed out of Poland at this point, but that could work as well... a strong line holding the Vistula would draw enough Russian forces away from Moscow that they would have no hope of defending the interior if a strike force sneaked in there. Watch the capital relocate to Vladivostok and turn all of Eastern Europe into one big pocket.

Oh- and no need to feel too sorry for Irwin, he was born for war after all!

Surt said:

Looking at the picture of Berlin I can only say your missing a lot of AAA not to say that a bunker or 10 would also be a nice addition to the rockets and nukes

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Hehe well I certainly have the spare IC for it!

Just a note that my firstborn son was born 3 months prematurely on Memorial Day, so any further updates will be extremely sporadic until I get a regular schedule down.