Springtime for Hit-LAAR: 1936 German Reich

MastahCheef117 said:

Amazing. Subscribed :rofl:

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Welcome, and thanks!

---

{ ADOLF }
(yawns) Man, seems like I haven’t heard from anybody in an age. Let’s see what’s happening... FRITZ!

{ FAGIN }
Yes, boss?

{ ADOLF }
Where we at with Flower Power?


{ FAGIN }
Well, we reshuffled the cabinet to create some more Leadership as well as extra industrial power, and implemented some cost-cutting measures to help save on supplying our army. Incidentally, I should point out that it’s a real pain in the tuches taking care of all this stuff by myself. If you’re serious about the diplomacy thing, can’t we re-hire a little more help?

{ ADOLF }
I hear ya baby... but who’s got all our bread now, then?

{ FAGIN }
This zeyde over here... (indicates DOC)

{ DOC }
One-point-twenty-one gigawatts!

{ ADOLF }
Excuse me?

{ DOC }
Sorry, Cleo told me I should start practicing that.

{ ADOLF }
Alright baby, cool out. What’s happening with all our bread, man?


{ DOC }
Well, as you can see here, we have some warships already under production that are going to be finished soon. Then we’ll start doing a little work on some infantry divisions for that General friend of yours just to keep in practice. But the *real* project is a round of shiny new factory complexes. I have a model here of what they will look like- I’m sorry they’re not to scale!

{ ADOLF }
That’s okay baby, but what do we need more of these for?

{ DOC }
(surprised) Well, to make more factories of course!

{ FAGIN }
Oy veh.

{ ADOLF }
And after that?

{ DOC }
Well, more factories, naturally! I have here some models of what *those* factories will look like- I’m sorry, they’re not to scale!

{ ADOLF }
Now hold on baby, what are we going to do with those other factories?

{ DOC }
Make more factories! Why, what else would we work on? I have some models here of what those should be like, and-

{ ADOLF }
I got it baby, they’re not to scale. And then what, man, even more factories?

{ DOC }
Of course not, that would be absurd! After that we start our *real* projects!

{ ADOLF }
Man I think I better have my ‘shrooms ready before I get into something that heavy. But hold on here cats, how are we going to get all the iron and grease and tools and junk to run all these new factories?

{ FAGIN }
Well, after I started kvetching about the lack of staff around here, Doc said he’d help me out. I’d assumed he meant I could get a larger share of the budget again...

{ DOC }
Bah! You don’t need money when we have Science! For less than half the cost of a full-time staff member, I whipped up this for you (indicates AWESOM-O). This is the diplomat of the future!

{ ADOLF }
And you are?

{ AWESOM-O }
(monotone) I AM AWESOM-O.

{ FAGIN }
And you do diplomacy?

{ AWESOM-O }
(monotone) YES.

{ FAGIN }
So if I put you in charge of our trade deals, you are going to get us enough supplies to run all the factories we want?

{ AWESOM-O }
(monotone) YES.

{ FAGIN }
Well, I hear robots don’t lie, so that’s good enough for me!

{ ADOLF }
(suspicious) Now hold on baby, are you sure this isn’t just a kid in a costume?

{ DOC }
Well, pretty sure. I mean, I did the design work but I didn’t literally build him with my own two hands...

{ ADOLF }
So you’re really a robot?

{ AWESOM-O }
(monotone) YES.

{ ADOLF }
Groovy, baby! Hey, are you also one of those watcha-call-its... a pleasure model?

{ AWESOM-O }
(monotone) I AM OUT OF HERE. (runs off)

{ ADOLF }
Well, it was worth a shot. Now give me the rest of the straight dope on all this sciencey stuff before I fall asleep... I mean, before I move on to other pressing government-type business.


{ DOC }
Well, you can see here I have some charts drawn up on what I have the tech boys working on. The main point is that since you told Irwin to plan on a quick attack with our starting army, we have a focus on making that army the best in the world. So it’s a heavy investment in Infantry and Air support to the exclusion of just about all else. As you can also see, since we already have one of the best armies in the world, a lot of this research is a bit wasteful, but if we win quickly, then it won’t matter so much...


{ ADOLF }
Zzzzzzzzzz...

{ DOC and FAGIN }
SIR!

{ ADOLF }
(startled) What? Well, it seems like you got the technical stuff done right baby. What else should I know?

{ FAGIN }
Well, Irwin finished reorganizing the army. So we’ll have maybe 40 divisions to use in the UK as he said. Since Cleo tells us we don’t need to worry until 1940 before that nebbish in charge over there gets all worked up, Irwin’s suggestion was to wait as long as we can to get enough boats for everybody and send them over with the finest equipment possible.


{ ADOLF }
Can we still do that if we’re working on all these factories?

{ DOC }
You bet!

{ ADOLF }
Alright, sounds fine, man. And what’s the word on the Flower Power front?

{ FAGIN }
Well, I came up with a brilliant idea. All these goyim in the Allies are mostly British puppets, so it isn’t worth the time to coup ‘em. But, if we take out the UK, then they won’t be puppets anymore, so we could coup them then. Therefore my plan is to lay the groundwork to pull a coup on them the moment we win in England. So, we coup France before the war starts, then when we beat England, Iraq will take over the Allies and we’ll be able to do a coup in Oman, Bhutan, Nepal, and Yemen. We are also going to get ready to pull off a coup in the United States. It seems unlikely they will join us without one, and if they happen to get into a war with Japan, we can use that as an ace-in-the-hole to get them to stop fighting and save Japan’s bacon. Not that I know anything about bacon!

{ ADOLF }
Groovy baby. How hard is it going to be to do the coup thing?

{ FAGIN }
Well here are my early notes. You can see our party support worldwide is pretty low, but if we aren’t going to make a move before 1940, we have years to fix it!


{ ADOLF }
Aw man! Why are all these cats so down on Flower Power? Don’t they know I just want to lieb the world?

{ FAGIN }
Well, I couldn’t say, but we’ll fix it. As my bubbala always says, you just have to make nice!

---

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[post=13503363]Back to previous Update[/post]​

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Avindian said:

Great stuff! I am a little concerned about the staying power of your infantry divisions, with only one INF brigade, but I look forward to seeing them in action!

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Well, I won't have too many of those, since I'm just doing it to maintain my practicals. After I research Superior Firepower I'll start making my usual Infantry division of 2x INF + AT + ART + AA. I won't swear that they are optimal in any way but I've had no reason to be dissatisfied. The rest of the starting army is mainly 3x INF, so depending on how pressed I am for time I might add Artillery to them, or I could just go in as-is. Honestly you can beat Britain with nearly any kind of army; the only real challenge is getting on shore.

Surt said:

That is a lot of artillery! does it save a lot of manpower vs. the Soviets to do this?

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It does, but only if you have something else like air power or armour that will deliver a knockout punch somewhere while these divisions are holding the line. Normally I also produce 3x ARM + 2x SPART divisions as my attack arm, but I will need to forgo doing that in this game. Since I'm playing a `no extra wars` game, I won't be taking over Poland, which means I won't have a land border with the USSR. In turn, that means I have to start my assault on them from a naval invasion which will preclude me from sending in the tanks as I normally would. Barbarossa in this game will involve slowly creeping forward with Infantry while my air power bombs them back to the stone age. With ongoing research into technologies to improve range, I can stage the air force from sites in Romania after they get forced into the Axis and let them deal with the supply issues.

I haven't tried a mass bombing campaign with the sole objective of reducing manpower, but that could be fun. You'll see what I came up with a bit later on in this game, but that's getting ahead a bit. I haven't even invaded Britain yet!

---

{ ADOLF }
Alright cats, what’s the sitch now? Are we at war with anybody yet?

{ IRWIN }
(grumpy) No!

{ ADOLF }
Has anything happened?

{ FAGIN }
The French wasted no time announcing that their left-wing elements have formed a government under the title of the Popular Front.


{ ADOLF }
I see. Does that matter to us in any way?

{ FAGIN }
Not really. It’s only interesting since the Popular Front makes the first time that women make up ministers in the French cabinet, even though women still aren’t allowed to vote there yet.

{ ADOLF }
Groovy, baby! What else?

{ FAGIN }
Well, we re-occupied the Rhineland which gave us some benefits, as you can see here.


{ ADOLF }
Hmmm- I like the loss of neutrality, man, but what’s with all the bad relations? Won’t that hurt our diplomacy?

{ FAGIN }
Oddly enough, no, since our relations have nothing to do with getting any goyim to join our side.

{ ADOLF }
Really? What are they for, then?

{ FAGIN }
Mainly they only affect our trade deals, but in a positive-feedback kind of way. Concluding trade deals is the only way to get good relations, but if you have bad relations, nobody will trade with you, so you’re kinda screwed. It’s ferdrayt, I know.

{ ADOLF }
Hold on, man, don’t we need good relations then if we need trade deals to run all our new factories?

{ FAGIN }
Well, let my assistant answer that one... (waves over AWESOM-O)

{ AWESOM-O }
(monotone) YES?

{ FAGIN }
Do we care if we have dreck relations with France and the UK, in terms of trade?

{ AWESOM-O }
(monotone) NO.

{ ADOLF }
Why not, baby?

{ AWESOM-O }
(monotone) ON-LY U-S AND RUS-SIA HAVE ALL WE NEED.

{ ADOLF }
Alright baby, I dig it. What else, man, skip through it quick, I got the munchies something bad!

{ FAGIN }
Well, Civil War broke out in Spain, so I took the liberty on your behalf of sending support to Franco.


{ ADOLF }
Groovy baby, did that cost us anything?

{ FAGIN }
Not really, no.

{ ADOLF }
What’s the downside then?

{ FAGIN }
Well, we can end up with bad relations with the wrong side if we don’t pick the winner, but you can reference the conversation we just had to decide if that will bother you or not.

{ ADOLF }
Did we pick the winner?

{ FAGIN }
No, as it happened.

{ ADOLF }
What? Didn’t our support make any difference?

{ FAGIN }
It’s hard to say, since it seems every fershtinkiner and their brother lent support to one side or the other.


{ ADOLF }
Irwin! How did our man lose, baby?

{ IRWIN }
(embarrassed) Well, it’s hard to say. The Republic *never* wins, so we weren’t actually watching what was going on over there.


{ ADOLF }
Man, that’s heavy, baby. Alright, what else? Speed things up a bit; I’m telling you cats I got the munchies real bad...

{ FAGIN }
Err... going as fast as I can, Edward VIII abdicated to get replaced by George VI, the Soviets are purging their officer corps, Stanley Baldwin resigned as British PM (a shame, he was a real mensch), Italy made a puppet of Ethiopia and offered us a military alliance but also refused to join the Axis, and Japan is now at war with most of China. They conquered both Shanxi and the Communists and made a puppet state called Mengkukuo. The Soviets sent assistance to China and Romania refused our invitation to join the Axis.

{ ADOLF }
Whoa, sounds like a lot of action there.

{ FAGIN }
Hey, we didn’t start the fire!

{ ADOLF }
Alright baby, cool out! Shame about that Edward cat, I hear he was a man after my own heart. Who’s the guy in charge of the UK now?

{ FAGIN }
Some nebbish named Chamberlain. From what Cleo says he won’t cause us any problems.

{ ADOLF }
Hey, where is Cleo, baby? Haven’t heard from that crazy voodoo chick in a while.

{ CLEO }
I’m right here, mon. Been here da whole time! Oooooo... (waves hands)

{ ADOLF }
Groovy, baby. Do we need to be worried about anything that’s happened so far?

{ CLEO }
Not at all mon.

{ ADOLF }
Out of sight. All right, where we at with Flower Power?

{ FAGIN }
Well, here’s our January 1938 report on the progress we’ve made over the last two years. Somewhat respectable, if I do say so myself, and I do! As my bubbala always says, why not get ready for a nice coup? It couldn’t hurt.


{ ADOLF }
Alright man, good work. How’s the army doing?

{ IRWIN }
We’ve rounded out some of the air wings we started with and are now cranking out Transport ships like nobody’s business. We also have a full corps of Marines coming out soon so we can hit Gibraltar and Malta. Everyone at OKW is quite excited! At first they weren’t too thrilled about all your diplomacy nonsense, but after I told them they still get to fight at least two major wars, now they’re all behind you!

{ ADOLF }
Hold on baby, `nonsense`? I’m telling you cats, Flower Power is it, baby! Maybe old Joe has the right idea about these purge things...

{ IRWIN }
(nervous) No need for that! We’re all fully behind, you sir! I mean, `baby`!

{ ADOLF }
All right, cool, cool. Now split you cats, I got the munchies *and* my stash looks low. Where’s a good spot to get more stuff? Ah, ja, I know just the place!

---

{ ADOLF }
(knocking)

{ CHONG }
Who is it?

{ ADOLF }
It’s me, Adolf. Open up, man, I need some more stuff.
(knocking)

{ CHONG }
Who is it?

{ ADOLF }
It’s me, Adolf. C’mon baby, I need more stuff.

{ CHONG }
Who?

{ ADOLF }
It’s Adolf, man. Open up, I think the politie saw me come over here...
(knocking)

{ CHONG }
Who is it?

{ ADOLF }
It’s Adolf, man. Will you open up, I need to buy more stuff.

{ CHONG }
Who?

{ ADOLF }
Adolf, man. Open up.

{ CHONG }
Adolf?

{ ADOLF }
Yeah, Adolf. C’mon baby, open up, I think the politie saw me.

{ CHONG }
Adolf’s not here.

{ ADOLF }
No man, I’m Adolf baby. (knocking) Hey, c’mon baby.

{ CHONG }
Who is it?

{ ADOLF }
It’s Adolf, man. Will you open up? I need more stuff.

{ CHONG }
Who?

{ ADOLF }
Adolf, man. Open up.

{ CHONG }
Adolf?

{ ADOLF }
Yeah, Adolf.

{ CHONG }
Adolf’s not here.

{ ADOLF }
Was ist los? No man, I’m Adolf, baby. Will you... (knocking)
C’mon, open up the door, will you? I need some stuff, and I think the politie saw me.

{ CHONG }
Who is it?

{ ADOLF }
Dummkopf! C’mon! Open up the door! It’s Adolf!

{ CHONG }
Who?

{ ADOLF }
Adolf! A-D-O-L-F! Will you open up the darn door!

{ CHONG }
Adolf?

{ ADOLF }
Ja, Adolf!

{ CHONG }
Adolf?

{ ADOLF }
Yeah, baby, Adolf! Now will you open up the door?

{ CHONG }
Adolf’s not here.

{ ADOLF }
*sighs*

---

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Saithis said:

This is pretty good stuff. Clicked for Mel Brooks, stayed for Stoner Hitler, subscribed for good writing!

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Welcome, and thanks!

This AAR is actually pretty rough going for me, since I usually think of myself as witty rather than funny. I've got a few gags that seem really amusing to me that I have to sprinkle around lest I burn through all my `A` material in one shot. I can imagine guys like [post=13119867]El Pip[/post] and [post=11155958]cubie_hole[/post] have similar issues, or we'd likely be seeing more of them around. Maybe we need to get the Journalistic Journal of Journalism on their tail!

KyrionMyrthar said:

One of my favorite WritAARs doing Mel Brooks? I'm in and subscribed!

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Welcome!

TekcoR said:

I love this, great work. I can't help but think of Mel Brooks always.

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Thanks!

Rendap said:

This is so far Pure Gold! Have to subscribe to such Madness!

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Welcome, and thanks!

As a note to all readers and lurkers, voting is open for both the Iron HeAARt 2011 awards as well as the first quarter AARland Choice AwAARds. Be sure to pop over to support your favorite writers!

On a different topic, I've been sick the last two weeks, but I hope to get back to `Springtime` soon. Thank you all for reading!

---

{ ADOLF }
Eva! Why is the living room filled with singing nuns and children?

{ EVA }
Aren’t they adorable mein liebchen? They came right after you took over Austria. Can’t we keep them?

{ ADOLF }
What? When did we do that, baby? FRITZ!

{ FAGIN }
Oy, not so loud. I’m dealing with a shpilkis in my genechtagazoink over here.

{ ADOLF }
When and why did we take over Austria, man?

{ FAGIN }
Well, we got a tip from Cleo that Austria and Poland wouldn’t join with us peacefully under any circumstances... and despite her track record, we didn’t quite believe her, so we spent a lot of time trying to get the Poles into our corner. And surprise! They don’t want to join us. Cleo also said that the Romanians would end up joining the Axis, so we thought we could get them in early, but surprise! They don’t want to join with diplomacy either.


{ ADOLF }
Man, that’s a bummer, baby.

{ FAGIN }
So, when the Austrian government went all meshugge what with the riots and the yelling and whatnot, it seemed like a good idea to just take them over since they were cool with it.

{ ADOLF }
Groovy baby. So aside from all these people in my living room, what did we get out of it?

{ FAGIN }
Well, as you can see, there are a lot of consequences. Most of these are a worsening of relations, but that isn’t something we care about. The big plus is the reduction of Italian neutrality; that will help them join us if we wanted.


{ ADOLF }
Alright, man. Who *is* willing to join us?

{ FAGIN }
Well, we have quite a few options if you take them at face value. But Cleo says that everybody except Italy and Japan is just going to say `no` no matter how many times we ask them.


{ ADOLF }
Hmm well, why does this report say we can invite them, then?

{ FAGIN }
That’s a big mystery. But cheer up; we managed to get some more Leadership and 500 singing nuns out of the Austrian deal.


{ ADOLF }
Seems like a lot baby, do we really need that many? The nuns, not the Leadership.

{ FAGIN }
Well, as my bubbala always says, don’t knock it until you try it! Maria! How about a song for our haymish here?

{ MARIA }
(singing)
Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens
Bright shiny panzers and warm woolen mittens
All of the chaos that major wars bring
These are a few of my favorite things

Nazis and soldiers and crisp apple streudels
Bombers and fighters and schnitzel with noodles
Rockets that fly with the moon on their wings
These are a few of my favorite things

Officers girded with blue satin sashes
Artillery fire that thunders and crashes
Long Phoney Wars that last until spring
These are a few of my favorite things

When the dog bites
When the bee stings
When I'm feeling sad
I simply remember my favorite things
And then I don't feel bad!

{ ADOLF }
Hmm, well, I like that you have kittens in there, baby. We’ll keep you but find a use for the other 499, alright, Fritz?

{ FAGIN }
Will do.

{ ADOLF }
Okay, what else is happening that I should know about?

{ FAGIN }
Well, the Japanese have wiped out the Chinese Nationalists, Communists, and the Guangxi Clique. They seem to be doing pretty well without us, so there’s no need to bother them just yet with an alliance.


{ ADOLF }
What about Flower Power baby?

{ FAGIN }
Well, you can see in this report that our Spies have done pretty well. France was just begging for a coup so we didn’t have any trouble starting one. National Socialists are now in charge in Paris so we won’t have any problems with them. Things seem to be ripe for the showdown with the United Kingdom.


{ ADOLF }
Groovy, baby. Irwin, I guess you’re on!

{ IRWIN }
Sweet! I just need to address the troops, if I may.

{ ADOLF }
Go for it baby.

---

{ IRWIN }
Be seated.

Now, I want you to remember that no bastard ever won a war by dying for his country. He won it by making the *other* poor dumb bastard die for his country.

Men, all this stuff you've heard about Germany not wanting to fight, wanting to stick with Flower Power, is a lot of horse dung. Germans, traditionally, love to fight. All real Germans love the sting of battle.

When you were kids, you all admired the champion beer drinker, the fastest runner, the big league field hockey players, the toughest boxers. Germans love a winner and will not tolerate a loser. Germans play to win all the time. Now, I wouldn't give a hoot in hell for a man who lost and laughed. That's why Germans have never lost (cough, cough) and will never lose a war. Because the very thought of losing is hateful to Germans.

Now, an army is a team. It lives, eats, sleeps, fights as a team. This individuality stuff is a bunch of nonsense. The bilious bastards who wrote that stuff about individuality for the Berlin Times don't know anything more about real battle than they do about the birds and the bees. Now, we have the finest food and equipment, the best spirit, and the best men in the world. You know, by God, I actually pity those poor bastards we're going up against. By God, I do. We're not just going to shoot the bastards. We're going to cut out their living guts and use them to grease the treads of our panzers. We're going to murder those lousy Tommy bastards by the bushel.

Now, some of you boys, I know, are wondering whether or not you'll chicken out under fire. Don't worry about it. I can assure you that you will all do your duty. The Brits are the enemy. Wade into them. Spill their blood. Shoot them in the belly. When you put your hand into a bunch of goo that a moment before was your best friend's face, you'll know what to do.

Now there's another thing I want you to remember. I don't want to get any messages saying that we are holding our position. We're not holding anything. Let the Tommy do that. We are advancing constantly and we're not interested in holding onto anything - except the enemy. We're going to hold onto him by the nose, and we're gonna kick him in the rear. We're gonna kick the hell out of him all the time, and we're gonna go through him like poop through a goose!

Now, there's one thing that you men will be able to say when you get back home, and you may thank God for it. Thirty years from now when you're sitting around your fireside with your grandson on your knee, and he asks you, `What did you do in the great World War II?` - you won't have to say, `Well, I shoveled poop in Bavaria.`

Alright now you sons-of-bitches, you know how I feel. Oh, I will be proud to lead you wonderful guys into battle anytime, anywhere. That's all.

---

{ ADOLF }
Alright Irwin, war me, baby.

{ IRWIN }
Well, we had to construct nearly thirty Transports, but we made enough to carry over our entire ground force of two armies into United Kingdom territory. All we’ve left behind are a corps to guard East Prussia and another corps to guard our North Sea ports. Wouldn’t do to have them attempt a suicide invasion right when we’re about to hit London. Cleo says that’s a big possibility.

{ ADOLF }
Groovy, baby, what else?

{ IRWIN }
We sent most of our fleet off to East Anglia with the goal of a fast drive to London, then a counterclockwise sweep up through the country up to Scotland. The corps of Marines was waiting off the coast of Gibraltar to seize it as soon as the war started. After that, we’ll use them to take Malta.


{ ADOLF }
Sounds sweet. Did we get any French help?

{ FAGIN }
Oy, those goyim are a headache. They didn’t want to join us, but they did agree to an alliance with Yugoslavia for some reason. Cleo says we don’t need ‘em, though.


{ ADOLF }
All right, baby. So how did the war go?

{ IRWIN }
Well, since we surprised the British with our declaration of war, all of our landings went off without a hitch. There were no problems taking Gibraltar, and we also sent several air raids to knock out British fleets in port, but that didn’t go so well. We’ve done some damage but no reported sinkings.


Our attacks have apparently alarmed the United States, but it isn’t anything to be concerned over yet.


The Brits sent in a flood of reinforcements, but it wasn’t enough to stop the expansion of the beachhead. Our troops were all prepared for an assault on London when we got a warning from Cleo.


{ CLEO }
Dat’s right, mon.

{ ADOLF }
Oh? What warning, baby?

{ CLEO }
If you take London, den Stalin will attack mon.

{ ADOLF }
Really? What does he care if a democracy gets destroyed? You’d think he’d be supportive of any blows against Capitalism.

{ CLEO }
He just will, mon. He can’t help it.

{ ADOLF }
Well, what if instead we took every square inch of British soil *except* London, and bombed the city into the ground?

{ CLEO }
He’d be just fine wit dat.

{ ADOLF }
Groovy, just do that then.

{ IRWIN }
Well, we would have been happy to try that sir, but my men in the field chose to disregard these warnings and took the city anyway. They were trying to show the famous German initiative. We’re now at war with the Soviet Union.

{ ADOLF }
Man now you got me on a bad trip, baby. What can the Reds do to us?

{ IRWIN }
Well, since we don’t have a land border with them and they don’t really have any navy to speak of, not much. We can basically ignore them.

{ ADOLF }
Won’t they just declare war on Poland or Romania so they can get at us?

{ CLEO }
No mon.

{ ADOLF }
Groovy baby so where are we at now?

{ IRWIN }
Well, our men have reached up to Scotland, so the battle for the UK is almost at an end. We’ll just need to do some mopping up in their overseas territories, and then it will be all over. And even though we don’t really have anything to fear from the USSR, Stalin is apparently afraid of us, since he is taking the trouble to relocate all his industry to Siberia for some reason.


{ ADOLF }
All right. Keep up the good work, baby.

{ IRWIN }
Yes, sir!

---

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Stabber said:

Good gear Eqqman. I need to lie down. Abdominal pain, and the walls seems to ring of laughter.

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Thanks!

Hehehe, I haven't seen Kelly's Heroes in what seems like an age. I might be overdue for another viewing.