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Thread: Springtime for Hit-LAAR: 1936 German Reich

  1. #1
    Lt. General eqqman's Avatar
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    Springtime for Hit-LAAR: 1936 German Reich



    Springtime for Hit-LAAR, or, Diplomacy will only get you so FAAR: 1936 German Reich


    The Writer walks into his Agent’s office. The office is an organizational nightmare; stacks of paperwork line every available surface. The Agent is a type that never manages to hold an assistant for long. Still, he runs a successful business, and has done so for quite some time. Photos of himself with famous celebrities line the walls: Tom Clancy, Gore Vidal, Maya Angelou, etc. He even has a picture of himself shaking hands with Nixon *and* Elvis. Even in those days, he seemed old. His hair is short, white, and extremely curly. He still wears striped tweed suits and smokes like a chimney. Many of the stacks of papers in his office are full of ashtrays running over with cigarettes. One thing *has* been changing over the years... the lenses in his horned-rimmed glasses are getting thicker. As the Writer comes in the Agent stubs out his latest cigarette and smiles, revealing most of his tobacco-stained dentures.

    The Writer is young(ish) and cocky. He has jeans and a shiny jacket with the sleeves rolled up to his elbows. Underneath is a white T-shirt with a thin tie that hangs loosely around his neck. His hair is dark brown and spiked up like Robert Pattinson from Twilight. The overall effect is of a visitor from an 80’s movie about high schoolers, which might still work if the Writer was in his 20s, but he’s just this side of 40. He promptly sits down after being waved to a chair by the Agent and tries not to crinkle his nose at the `old man smell` that pervades the room.

    The Agent isn’t one to waste time. `It’s great to see you again kid, but I gotta get right to the point. I gotta let you go. `

    `What!?! You’ve been my agent for 15 years! `

    `And it’s been a heck of a ride, kid, a heck of a ride. But it’s time for the ride to end... `

    `I still don’t get it. I’ve won three Pulitzers, two IMPAC Dublin awards, six Faulkner awards, the Newberry Medal for the children’s version of my Soviet Union AAR, the spoken-word Grammy after I read my Guatemala AAR out loud at a party, and a Tony award after they staged my `Oh, Canada! ` AAR as a Broadway play. What more could you possibly want from me? `

    `Hey, that’s all great stuff, kid, don’t get me wrong. But it’s not stuff that pays my bills. Everything you do is critically acclaimed, but you’re a box-office bomb, kid. I don’t get my 10% off of bombs. What’s 10% of zero? `

    `Zero? `

    `Exactly kid, exactly. `

    `Well, c’mon, I can change... I’ll write anything you like. What do I have to do to make this work? `

    `You gotta follow the money, kid, follow the money... `

    `Okay, and that leads to...? `

    `Germany, kid! Germany! The plebes out there eat it up! They can’t get enough of it! ` At this stage the Agent waves his hand towards the window, presumably to show off the milling crowds out in the streets. However, since the office is on the 23rd floor, no crowds are to be seen. A pigeon flies over and perches on the windowsill.

    `Germany? But every WritAAR... I mean, Writer, fresh out of art school does Germany. There are more German AARs out there than you can shake a stick at. Why would anybody be more interested in mine than in anyone else’s? `

    `That’s right, there’s dozens. And you know what kid, they all sell. But you’re right, if you don’t want to be a little fish in a big pool, you gotta have something more. So keep following the money kid... `

    The Writer, nervous about what he has heard so far, is reluctant to answer. `And that goes where...? `

    `Merchandising! I mean, Comedy, kid, Comedy. Take a guy like Hitler and have him fart once or twice, and it’s pure gold! We’ll be... I mean, *you’ll* be raking it in. Gold, kid, gold! `

    `What!?! But they say that comedy is the lowest form of entertainment! If I get attached to a comedy project, nobody will ever take me seriously as a writer again. `

    `You ever watch American Idol, kid? `

    `Of course not. It’s a perfect example of how you can manufacture fame for people with no real talent... and it panders to the worst elements of the human psyche, since we all secretly want to watch just to see the judges degrade the contestants, not because we want to hear a great musical number...`

    `Yeah, yeah, I get it, kid. Just remember Simon Cowell said something along the lines of ‘I'd rather own McDonald's than a 3-star Michelin restaurant’. And do you know why, kid? Money! That’s why. You can’t eat critical acclaim. But I’ll tell you what I’ll do. You’re right, we’ve been together a long time, and so I’ll tell you what... come back in a week with a draft of something I can actually sell to John Q. Public out there, or you can take your awards over to the bank and see if they’ll let you cash them over there. `

    Later, the Writer is taking the subway home and rubbing his chin thoughtfully. Germany... comedy... perhaps there just might be a way to make it work. But how?


    Table of Contents


    Act One: Preparations for WAARAct Two: WAAR and Rememberance

  2. #2
    Ask how many Divisions I have! InnocentIII's Avatar
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    LOL - subscribed
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  3. #3
    Lets see how fAAR this goes, Germany + Diplomacy = DoW

  4. #4
    Lt. General eqqman's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by InnocentIII View Post
    LOL - subscribed
    Quote Originally Posted by Surt View Post
    Lets see how fAAR this goes, Germany + Diplomacy = DoW
    Welcome to you both!




    In case some younger (and deprived) readers aren't fans of the great Mel Brooks, I present...





  5. #5
    Field Marshal misterbean's Avatar
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    why did you have to use the invincible Mel Brooks?

    ***sigh***
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  6. #6
    Lt. General eqqman's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by misterbean View Post
    why did you have to use the invincible Mel Brooks?

    ***sigh***
    subscribed
    Welcome!

    Well, after you've already invoked Zog, there are few other options left that aren't a terrible come-down...

  7. #7
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    I'll be reading. You had me at "Spring time for Hitler," Mel is the greatest.
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    Corporal mgun2010's Avatar
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    This really looks like fun. I enjoyed Kneel before Zog.


    Subscribed.
    "He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill

  9. #9
    Lt. General eqqman's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by SonofWinter View Post
    I'll be reading. You had me at "Spring time for Hitler," Mel is the greatest.
    Quote Originally Posted by mgun2010 View Post
    This really looks like fun. I enjoyed Kneel before Zog.
    Welcome to you both, and thanks!

    Real life issues are slowing me down a bit (I have two AARs I want to write for) but the upcoming 3-day weekend in the USA should allow me to update both.

  10. #10
    Second Lieutenant Stabber's Avatar
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    Keep it coming, I enjoy your work.

  11. #11
    Alternative Affairs Specialist TekcoR's Avatar
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    You had me once you referenced Mel Brooks.
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    Lt. General eqqman's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Stabber View Post
    Keep it coming, I enjoy your work.
    Quote Originally Posted by TekcoR View Post
    You had me once you referenced Mel Brooks.
    Welcome to you both! He casts a big shadow but I hope to deliver.

  13. #13
    Lt. General eqqman's Avatar
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    Overture



    ~ Dramatis Personae ~



    ADOLF, a Chancellor


    EVA, a Mistress


    DOC, a Wonk


    FAGIN, a Diplomat


    IRWIN, a General


    AWESOM-O, a Robot


    CLEO, a Fakir





    { ADOLF }
    Something familiar,
    Something peculiar,
    Something for everyone:
    A comedy tonight!

    Something appealing,
    Something appalling,
    Something for everyone:
    A comedy tonight!

    Nothing with queens, nothing with crowns;
    Crusader Kings, well, let’s put you down!

    Old situations,
    New complications,
    Nothing portentous or polite;
    Vicky II tomorrow,
    Comedy tonight!

    Something convulsive,
    Something repulsive,
    Something for everyone:
    A comedy tonight!

    Something aesthetic,
    Something frenetic,
    Something for everyone:
    A comedy tonight!

    Nothing with gods, nothing with fate;
    Rome:Vae Victus will just have to wait!

    Nothing that's formal,
    Nothing that's normal,
    No recitations to recite;
    Open up the curtain:
    Comedy Tonight!

    Something erratic,
    Something dramatic,
    Something for everyone:
    A comedy tonight!

    Frenzy and frolic,
    Strictly symbolic,
    Something for everyone:
    A comedy tonight!

    { ENTIRE COMPANY }
    Something familiar,
    Something peculiar,
    Something for everybody:
    Comedy tonight!
    Something that's gaudy,
    Something that's bawdy--

    { ADOLF }
    Something for everybawdy!

    { ENTIRE COMPANY }
    Comedy tonight!

    { IRWIN }
    Nothing that's grim.

    { EVA }
    Nothing that's Greek.

    { ADOLF }
    (Indicating EVA)
    She plays Medea later this week.

    { WOMEN }
    Allies and Axis!

    { MEN }
    Diplomacy fractious!

    { ALL }
    Hundreds of actors out of sight!

    { DOC }
    Tommies and Froggies!

    { FAGIN }
    Russkis and Chinese!

    { AWESOM-O }
    (monotone) SUB-HUNTS AND CHA-SES!

    { IRWIN }
    Airfields and bases!

    { CLEO }
    Motorized!

    { AWESOM-O }
    (monotone) MECH-AN-IZED!

    { ADOLF }
    Infantry!

    { IRWIN }
    Industry!

    { AWESOM-O }
    (monotone) NUKES!

    { DOC }
    Flukes!

    { EVA }
    Fleets!

    { CLEO }
    Defeats!

    { ADOLF }
    Mumblers!
    Grumblers!
    Bumblers!
    Fumblers!

    { ALL }
    No royal curse, no Trojan horse,
    And a happy ending, of course!
    Goodness and badness,
    Panic is madness--
    This time it all turns out all right!
    EU tomorrow,
    Comedy tonight!


  14. #14
    People's Commissar of the Navy Demi Moderator Avindian's Avatar
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    It.. but... guh? This may well be the greatest idea in the history of mankind. I'd be a fool not to subscribe!
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    Lt. General eqqman's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Avindian View Post
    It.. but... guh? This may well be the greatest idea in the history of mankind. I'd be a fool not to subscribe!
    Welcome, and thanks!

    I think, however, that the position of `greatest idea ever...` has already been filled.



    Maybe 2nd greatest, then!

  16. #16
    Lt. General eqqman's Avatar
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    Curtain Rises



    ~ Dramatis Personae ~



    ADOLF, a Chancellor


    EVA, a Mistress


    FAGIN, a Diplomat


    IRWIN, a General


    CLEO, a Fakir





    { EVA }
    (picking flower) Du lieb me... du lieb me nicht... du lieb me... Adolf! Du lieb me nicht!

    { ADOLF }
    I lieb you baby, I lieb you! Now cool out while I plan my campaign...

    (plays piano) Gonna march into Poland... oo-oo... and then, crush France!

    Hmmm... seems okay but maybe we can do better, baby. Where are my generals? IRWIN!

    { IRWIN }
    Yes, sir?

    { ADOLF }
    Do we have any plans drawn up for world conquest?

    { IRWIN }
    Are you kidding me? We’re Germans! Here’s our plans for conquering Europe, plus our plans for defending Europe. We even drew up plans for Mussolini’s conquest of the Mediterranean, but he wasn’t interested. Heck, we even have plans for conquering ourselves!

    { ADOLF }
    These look fine but I’m just not feeling ‘em, baby. Don’t we have any plans that are a little more uptown? Peaceful, like?

    { IRWIN }
    I’m afraid I don’t follow you.

    { ADOLF }
    You know, like Flower Power, baby. Cheaper to grow a flower than make a gun, man.

    { EVA }
    I thought I was your baby! Du lieb me nicht!

    { ADOLF }
    Yeah, baby, yeah! I lieb ya! Just keep coolin’ out, alright! You know I have too much love to keep it bottled up inside. That’s why I gots’ ta share it all over! So talk to me man: Flower Power, where we at?

    { IRWIN }
    Sorry, sir, still not following.

    { ADOLF }
    You know, like, I don’t want to fight, I just want those other countries out there to join us all peaceful and whatnot. Like in one great big drum circle.

    { IRWIN }
    What, you mean like diplomacy? (laughs)

    { ADOLF }
    Yeah, baby, that’s it!

    { IRWIN }
    Well, that could be a problem since we fired all the diplomats.

    { ADOLF }
    What for?

    { IRWIN }
    We figured we wouldn’t need them after you came to power- we’re Germans! We haven’t really done the diplomacy thing since Bismarck, and even he was just doing `diplomacy` (makes finger quotes).

    { ADOLF }
    Ah man, you’re killing my high here. Send somebody to the Foreign Office and see if there is anybody there who hasn’t cleaned out their desk already.

    { IRWIN }
    Yes, sir!



    Some Time Later...


    { ADOLF }
    Alright, what have you got for me?

    { IRWIN }
    Well, we found this guy hiding in a closet. (indicates FAGIN)

    { ADOLF }
    Who are you?

    { FAGIN }
    I’m Fa- err, Fritz! Fritz Mueller! Yeah, that’s the one! Oy!

    { ADOLF }
    (suspicious) And you’re from...?

    { FAGIN }
    Duesseldorf!

    { IRWIN }
    Shouldn’t you be called `Rolf` then?

    { FAGIN }
    That’s my middle name.

    { ADOLF }
    (relieved) Oh, that’s all right then. Alright, what’s the down-low on the foreign situation?

    { FAGIN }
    Well, as I’m sure you’re aware, we’re just one of three major diplomatic blocks. Of course, we’re the only country in ours, but that number can only increase! My bubbala always says you have to look on the bright side... but anyway, so there are us, the Allies and the USSR. They both have some of the goyim on their side already.

    { ADOLF }
    But we can just use a coup to get them out and over to our side, right?

    { FAGIN }
    Well, it’s a bit ferblunjit! All those other nations they have recruited are all puppets, so even if we did use a coup on them, we couldn’t invite them to our side anyway. And since the UK and USSR are already in charge of their own factions, they won’t leave to join ours voluntarily either, even if we did use a coup.

    { ADOLF }
    Ah, man! So that leaves...?

    { FAGIN }
    We can get France out, and that’s about it. After that the best we can do is to try and prevent other countries from joining their side.

    { ADOLF }
    So if I want to get rid of these other factions, it won’t happen without a war with the UK and the USSR?

    { FAGIN }
    Yep.

    { IRWIN }
    Sounds pretty sweet to me!

    { ADOLF }
    But what about Flower Power, baby?

    { FAGIN }
    Well, the world is full of a bunch of other, unaligned countries. Maybe we could get some of them over to our side. But don’t feel so bad, since the guys in charge of the UK and USSR are a bit meshugge as it is.

    { ADOLF }
    How so?

    { FAGIN }
    Well, let my companion explain it. (waves over CLEO)

    { ADOLF }
    And?

    { CLEO }
    I predict that the UK and USSR will attack you no matter what you do anyway, mon.

    { ADOLF }
    What! What for, mon? I mean, what for, woman?

    { CLEO }
    They just will. I predict the UK will attack no later than 1940, if not before, and the USSR will attack no later than 1943, if not before dis.

    { ADOLF }
    Man you cats are really bringing me down! How can I rule the world with Flower Power, then?

    { FAGIN }
    Well, if you at least wipe out these countries that are already arrayed against us, then you’ll be free to go after the rest of the world in any way you want.

    { ADOLF }
    Alright, alright, I dig it. General, I guess that means you’re on. (indicates IRWIN)

    { IRWIN }
    Awesome!

    { ADOLF }
    I suppose if I have to go after those cats in the UK, better to do it sooner rather than later. How do our forces match up with theirs?

    { IRWIN }
    Well, we have about one and a half armies’ worth of divisions. They have about the same, but theirs are sprinkled around the whole world since they have that empire of theirs to defend.

    { ADOLF }
    Groovy, baby! Sounds like we should just attack now. Go for it.

    { IRWIN }
    (looks sheepish) Well, we have a bit of a problem with that.

    { ADOLF }
    Which is?

    { IRWIN }
    We don’t actually have any Transport vessels.

    { ADOLF }
    None?

    { IRWIN }
    Not even a dinghy.

    { ADOLF }
    Wait a minute, don’t we have some troops in east Prussia?

    { IRWIN }
    Yes, sir, about three divisions.

    { ADOLF }
    How did they get there, then? Did Poland give us transit rights through the Polish Corridor?

    { FAGIN }
    No, as it turns out. Could be a good excuse for war later!

    { ADOLF }
    Well, if they couldn’t walk, and we don’t have any ships, how did we get those men over there? Never mind, you can explain it later. I suppose you better get cracking on making some ships then.

    { IRWIN }
    Sure thing. How many do you recommend?

    { ADOLF }
    Hey, you’re the general, man. If we need to attack, best to attack with everything we have, right? Make enough boats for everybody!

    { IRWIN }
    What, literally everybody? The UK does have their own navy, sir. There’s no way we can protect that many ships. (waves over a naval attaché) Tell him.

    { NAVAL ATTACHE }
    There’s no way we can protect that many ships.

    { ADOLF }
    Well, let me worry about that. Just get cracking. Cleo baby, if we attack the UK with everything we have, can we win?

    { CLEO }
    I predict that if Germany attacks the UK, a great nation will be destroyed.

    { ADOLF }
    Groovy, baby! Wait, *which* nation? (CLEO runs off)

    Well, you cats get to work. Start the navy on those boats, and start working on France. See if we can get *them* at least on our side before we have to start something more serious.

    { IRWIN and FAGIN }
    Yes, sir! (both leave)

    { ADOLF }
    Now then, where was I? (playing piano) Gonna march into England... oo-oo... and then, crush Russia!

    Yeah, I like that tune better. Now, come here baby, and let me show you how much I lieb ya!

    { EVA }
    (giggles)


  17. #17
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  18. #18
    Second Lieutenant arosenberger14's Avatar
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    Excuse me for a minute...



    Awesome AAR, keep it up!
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  19. #19
    People's Commissar of the Navy Demi Moderator Avindian's Avatar
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    Slightly OT, but I wonder if you can help with something. In the original Producers (with Gene Wilder), does Mel Brooks play any parts? I thought once I'd caught him as one of the dancers during "Springtime for Hitler", but I can't confirm that, even upon multiple watchings.
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    Lt. General eqqman's Avatar
    EU3 CompleteFor the MotherlandHearts of Iron IIIEuropa Universalis: RomeSemper Fi

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    Quote Originally Posted by KaiserMuffin View Post
    Ah finally, a Hoi3 AAR I can get into!
    Quote Originally Posted by arosenberger14 View Post
    Excuse me for a minute...



    Awesome AAR, keep it up!
    Welcome to you both, and thanks!

    Quote Originally Posted by Avindian View Post
    Slightly OT, but I wonder if you can help with something. In the original Producers (with Gene Wilder), does Mel Brooks play any parts? I thought once I'd caught him as one of the dancers during "Springtime for Hitler", but I can't confirm that, even upon multiple watchings.
    Your instincts are serving you well. He doesn't have a role, however, he did overdub the voice of the dancer who says `Don't be stupid be a smarty, come and join the Nazi party!`. You can catch this in the clip I have posted. According to the DVD commentary, Brooks didn't think the original dancer delivered the line with enough `joie de vivre`.

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