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alpla

Second Lieutenant
11 Badges
Oct 29, 2009
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This is for fun, so... don't take it seriously :)



mmm... eerf... cough! Cough!
stretching out on the bed... this is morning sunday ... i am looking at the ceiling...
mmm... what a hangover... shit. I’ll never drink again.
Knocking on the door... a voice says: "Madam, have you already woken up, ma’am?"

I am thirsty.

-Water!.... My kingdom for water... (Why’s mommy talking to me like this?)
Mom, can you fetch me some water, please? My head’s gonna blow up!
-Yes ma’am. – the voice says.
Not a minute has passed when somebody I can’t recognize opens the door with a silver tray with a luxury glass of water on it.

I am astonished - Who the hell are you? Where’s my mother?
-Sir, this is Duke de Angulema, carrier of Queen’s water, Grand of Spain, your mother is at her palace.
-Muahuahuahua, yes, and I am the king of MB.
-Sir, I don’t understand that, MB?
-My Balls, the king of My Balls. Gimme the water before I call police!
-Here you go, Ma’am... Why do we need police, is there any trouble with Uncle Carlos?
-Stop calling me a girl, you funny fag...

I drink the water, but I spill some... onto my chest... wait... it ain’t no chest... it’s rather breast!! What’s going on!? This room’s not mine... this man dressing as a page is not mom. This breast is not mine. Sigh. I’ve got no computer around, no mobile phone, no modern clothes... This guy’s calling me Madam and I have an uncle called Carlos...

-You, bastard!! How am I called!?
-Isabel, Madam, you are the queen, daughter of Ferdinand... and you don’t seem to be in a good mood.
-Shut up, what is today's date?
-Monday...

...

¬¬

...

- What year?
- ...um... 1836, ma’am.

-What? Really? Am I Isabella I of Castile?
- em... not really. You are Isabella II of Spain.
-Oh no! MIERDA!

-Any problem, ma’am?
-Yes, idiot! I’ve not studied this period yet, so we won’t have advantage...

-I don’t unders...
-Have we already conquered Granada?
-Kind of yes ma’am, like four hundred years ago.

-Oh, nice, that was a bloodletting... I want to see a map of my Empire.
-Well Ma’am, we have none.
-No map?

-Yes, we do have maps, but we have no Empire.
-How come? Aren’t we keeping half America?
-No longer... just Cuba.


-What happened? Who lost it?
-Don’t you remember, ma’am? ...Napoleon, Fointanebleau, Cadiz Constitution, the wars that devastated our Empire...
-yes, of course... ok, let’s be positive, at least we don’t need to face more wars...

I stand up and get dressed with the help of five men. It’s quite strange to dress as a Queen, but it’s nice to feel I am the most powerful person in the world. I call a meeting with all the State men... They are all dressing like in old-fashioned movies. Each one is quite tight and serious.

-C’mon boys! Don’t be so serious, What’s wrong?
-Queen, we are having some news from the North.

-Flanders? Are they revolting again!? –I shout. - Send Duke of Alba and my Tercios! Slaughter those infidels!! –I order furiously raising my fists.
Everybody laughs quietly. Duke of Angulema facepalms and says to his neighbour: “don’t know what’s wrong with her today”.

-Ma’am, I was referring to your Uncle Carlos. He’s coming from his villa in the north for the royal marriage. The crown needs heirs.
-Marriage? Uncle Carlos? With whom? –I frowned...
-Of course with you, Ma’am. The Pope has approved the marriage; no matter you are already relatives.



The queen shows to the silent audience her middle finger.



-Um, no my Queen, that’s not the ring finger.

-No way I am marring him. NO FUCK-ING WAY!

-But, Queen! He’s coming for the wedding. This might mean war, civil war.
-So what? I won’t sacrifice my virginity!! (Some men laugh staring one another... I keep in mind their faces). It’s worth a war. We just need to send huge armies and kill them all. Faccilissimo. And we have to industrialize, so you, instead of lazing around, start investing your money.

-My Queen, why don’t we avoid ground battle and wait until Carlos comes into terms? There is no need in killing those men, who are, after all, good Spaniards.
-Ok, whatever... (As long as I don’t have to get laid). Industrialize!! What next?
-Yes, Ma’am, can we walk into the Audience Chamber, an interesting offer is coming.



We horribly slowly walk into that chamber. I take a sit on a comfortable couch and have a look at the courtiers, they are flirting with the guardsmen. Um, nice girls, I’ll come up with an idea to see’em privately. But some other thing calls my attention. A funny man is passing through the gates into the chamber. He walks so pompously and with such an ostentation.

The funny man bows and says: Bonjour Mademoiselle, je suis, tu es, il est. Je représente allons enfants de la patrie...

I ask my external affairs counsellor.
-What's he talking about?
-I do not know French, my queen. (I facepalm)

I ask the funny man.
-Ok, you French?


-Oui!


- We? uhm? We what?


-Oui! ...-he shrugged his shoulders-... Wow!

-WE? ... WAR?

-je suis fran...

-YES?? WE WAR?? OH GOD!!... -I stand up and serenely walk until we are face to face... I look at him from his feet to his eyes and say: - You bring the crowns and heads of conquered kings to my city steps...- my counsellor looks at me as if I was completely mad.- You insult myself, [wind blows] you threaten my people with slavery and death... now, ... can you step a little bit to your right? Next to that well? –I pat his shoulder...
-umm?- he wonders and steps to his right.







...


:huh:








...


:mad:








....

:huh:









:mad:







-THIS IS ESPAÑA!!- The queen of Spain hitches up her skirt and kicks the French’s chest, his body falls into the well, into oblivion.

-What have you done!??! My queen!! –my counsellor was shocked.

-C’mon, he was bringing the crowns and heads of conquered kings and so on.

-No, ma’am, he was bringing that. –He points at a kind of paper on the floor. He goes and takes it, clears his throat: -The king of France wants an alliance.

-Ditto. clean this mess
 
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um, nobody seem to like this AAR, but i like writing it...
enjoy it! and comment if you like it please.


In the last chapter...

[tense music] ...I wake up being the queen of Spain, provoke a civil war with Uncle Carlos and kill an ambassador from France by mistake...
Nice beginning. [tens music finishs]

Um... You, Duke of Angulema, How is the war going on?
-Quite bad, Uncle Carlos has taken Catalonia, Aragon, Basque country and they are on their way to Madrid.
-All that!?!? How come one mere person can take so much soil?!?

¬¬

- Queen, he’s got an entire army.
- mm. Nevermind, what happened with France? Did they swallow our story?
- Yes ma’am, we told them their ambassador was drunk and fell accidentally into the well. We sent the corp.
- Let’s hope they don’t watch CSI. ... Ok, so they are now our allies. What about the industrialization?
- We have some capitalists in Madrid and Galicia, they are investing into two industries. But there are no workers.
- You better find some or go work yourself.
- As you wish, ma’am.

- Don’t look at me with such a stupid sight, what next?

- We’re losing prestige, and wasting influence points. The Netherlands are going to get 8th and kick our asses outta the ranking, little girl.
- WHAT THE...?! Mind your words before your queen!!! – [smack, smack]
- Sorry ma’am, what do we do now?
- It’s quite simple: Just influence Portugal, invent something that makes prestige and that’s it. Now, get lost.
- Ma’am, the external affairs counsellor begs for a minute of audience.
- Call him in.

The external affairs counsellor comes, bows and says:
- Ma’am I have nice news, France has signed our alliance, Portugal’s getting under our Influence and Morocco has sent an alliance offer.
- Um, nice, how do you know the last issue?
- I talked myself with Morocco ambassador.
- Um, you know Arab?
- No, he speaks some French.

...

¬¬

...

- Ok, let me talk to him.
The Moroccan ambassador gets in and says nothing.
- Eh, hello there! –I say.
- Ma’am, -says my counsellor- he’s not allowed to talk to women.
- Why? Is that because of his religion?
- um. Not really, that’s just because his wife doesn’t let him. And he’s a man of his word.
- hehe... this can be funny. You, Moroccan, What if I refuse the alliance?

- mm! –said the Moroccan.

- hehe, he says nothing! You see? He is really a man of his word! Ok, wait, what if I... don’t know, what if I declare war on you!! Muahuahua!!

- mm! –said the ambassador.

- My Queen! –said my counsellor.- He came here for alliance!!
- Yes, and he comes back with a Declaration of War.
- This is MADNESS!! –jelled my counsellor- The Parliament won’t approve!!
- Do we have one? Declare war on the Parliament also. We shall have an Empire.

The Moroccan gets out.
The Defence Minister gets in.

- You, how’s the Army?
- Perfect, Sir!
- How many troops do we have?
- Few, but they are the bravest ones! Sir!
- Ok, we are to attack Morocco.
- Oh Sir! That cannot be possible! Sir! Carlos is coming to Madrid, we must resist here.

- You are going to Morocco, at the vanguard. Besides, our French brothers have sent an Army to crush the Carlists, so we don’t have to worry any longer. Let them do the dirty job.

- Yes sir!
- ok, write me a letter when you have conquered Morocco.

...

Few months later...

...

My economy minister runs into my Audience Chamber.
- Ma’am, ..., arf, ... news from Morocco!!
- What?
- The war! It’s over! Morocco has surrendered.
- ahm. And, what does it exactly have to do with me?

- Ma’am, you ordered the invasion, you have won.

- mm, really? I can’t quite recall it. Let’s be kind with our neighbours. Protectorate them!

- Ma’am, we can gain control on some provinces, we can take it all...

- Shut up, listen to your smart queen. Protectorate them! we don’t want the French taking lands on Morocco.

- Oh, my queen, your intelligence delights us!

- Don’t flatter. [smack, smack] How are you managing the economy.
- I don’t know ma’am, but we owe money to every bank in the world.

- Tax the poors then.
- We are already taxing them at max.

- um, tax the middle class then.
- the same here.

- Tax the rich class, if so.
- Oh, no ma’am, that’s against freedom and law. That’d be even antipatriotic!

- Would it? Ok, then ... don’t pay the soldiers and stop buying food and weapons for them. We are not at war anymore.

- That will leave us defenceless!

- Who will dare to challenge us? [smack, smack] Remember we are the most dangerous nation in the world. And France is with us. And we need the money! Now, how is the situation with Portugal? do they love us?

-Yes ma’am, they are under our influence, and half of South America.

-Nice, that will boost our industry. How’s our prestige?

-Quite bad, ma’am, but France has declared war on the Netherlands. so luckily they are no longer challenging our position.

-Um nice, nice...


Future upcoming: how Spain lost all her Navy thanks to her smart Queen.
 
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....
The queen of Spain is meeting the scientists, trying to make them invent the atomic bomb.
-It’s quite simple, I tell you. We just need a big plane and a big bomb with atoms.

The scientists are just open-mouthed with amazement.

- What? Aren’t you scientists? Invent it! You have one year.


... open-mouthed ...



The Minister of External Affairs comes running...
- Ma’am, ma’am!! Argentina is attacking our allies!! They are calling us to lead the war!!
- What? Argentina? A soccer team?

- I don’t know what you’re saying, ma’am, but there is an ambassador from Chile who begs to see you.


- Ok... call him in.

The ambassador comes before me and bows.

- Queen of Spain, Argentina is attacking us. Will you help us against them? Brazil is already on our side.
- And who are you?
- We are Chile; you got us in your sphere and claim your protection.
- um... do they have shore?

- Yes ma’am

- And how many ships do they have?
- Just two.
- Ok, I’ll kindly help you, but only if I lead the alliance, and I only attack by sea. Ah, and I get all the honour.


- What can I say?

...


- mm, sometimes it’s better to say nothing. Now, get lost.



The ambassador gets lost.
I point at the Navy Minister.

- You, get the entire Spanish Navy and block Argentina.
- My queen, why don’t we instead attack with the Cuban Navy? It’s pretty closer.

- You shall not question your queen!! [smack, smack]

- They will suffer from crossing the Ocean!! I strongly disagree!!
- Ok, and I strogly remove you from your post, who else wants to be Minister? You maybe?- I appoint to someone who’s passing by.

- ché, why nott? –he says.
- um... –I say- You speak with Argentinean accent, you are not Argentinean, are you?

- No I am nott...

- What’s your name?
- Tango Perón Guevara.
- um, fine fine... you will lead the Navy.

...

Few weeks later.

- Ma’am, we have bad news... from Argentina!
- What? Speak before I put your head on a pike!
- um, some unforeseeable aspects of the operation have provoked a total disaster.
- aspects? Like what?

- well, ma’am, first, the navy got there in such a bad condition that they barely floated.
- How come?

- It seems the Ocean wasn’t very nice to them. Had they gone from Cuba...
- What else?

- We blockaded their shore, but they attacked with their two ships... Our Navy was quite dispersed and our minister Tango dived and swam towards the enemy. Only after commanding us to come back to Spain, but the rest of the Navy sank. Only a small boat made it here, me included.



- TREASON! It can be only explained with treason!!

- Yes, ma’am! Obviously the ministe...[interrupted by the queen]
- We shall get to the bottom of this!! We shall create an investigating commission to find it out!! Who’s betrayed me!? WHOOO!??

...

A week later the commission charged all the survivors due to treason. Argentina accepted a 100k reward for the Minister Tango Perón Guevara, but he wouldn’t come back to Spain.

...

The war went ok, thanks to Brazilian and Chilean armies, so that Spain could sign the surrender of Argentina. She entered in Spanish Sphere and gave some territories to Brazil and Chile. Queen Isabella had a painting done representing her leading the armies that took Buenos Aires.
 
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I shall comment, im actually currently playing a spain game myself,
And is this in vanilla or on AHD?
Subbed
 
Against my better judgement, I am indeed reading this. ;-).

If I had to be that guy who complains, I would say you could use pictures. You got the humour part down pat, but the wall of text could use a break.

Good Luck!
 
I'm really having fun reading this AAR! Please, don't let it die!!
 
In the last chapter...

...Isabella goes to war against Argentina, provoking a total disaster for the Spanish Navy. Even though Spain manages to win the war “herself”... hehehe. Tango Perón Guevara started a fruitful carrier in “Telenovelas Venezolanas TV”.

New chapter of “This is España”: Our Egypt brothers...


[Tense music]...
Queen Isabella starts talking to the Austrian ambassador...

-Hallo, Herr Hamburger.
-Hallo Frau Isabella von Borbon, ich komme aus Hamburger nicht, ich komme aus Wien.
-Whatever, Herr Sausage. What brings you here?


-Vee vant eine alliance wiz Spanien.


-Yes, why not... but I tell you, if you go to war against France, Prussia, England... Actually, if you go to war, you are on your own. This alliance is only if Spain attacks or is attacked, ok?

-Nein, Frau Isabella von Borbon, die alliance muss be equal forr boz sides.
-ok, then, get out, the Prussians will attack you if you seem to be alone.

-oh Frau Isabella, vee accept.
[tense music off]


The Austrian ambassador gets out.
The External Affairs Minister speaks:

-Oh, ma’am, that was very Machiavellic.
-You mean clever, servant. –Says the Queen-.

-uhm, yes... by the way. There’s an ambassador from Egypt. Remember we have just sphered them.
-Call him in. But make sure he can talk to me, not like the Moroccan ambassador.



The Egyptian ambassador gets in.


-King of Spain, many steps have I taken to see you, among the bravest the bravest one.
The queen asks quietly to the counsellor “why does he call me “king”? Why does he talk like Yoda?”

The ambassador keeps on talking:
-Great and kind King of Spain, kitty of kittes!

O_O [the counsellor runs to tell the queen: ma’am, this is kind of Egyptian politeness]

-These ambassadors are very funny. Hang him!


-Save the rope, king. Since we, the Egyptian are already doomed, as here we talk the Ottomans hordes flood my lands.
-You mean your desert.

-King, we humbly ask you to help us convince them to use the Word instead of the Sword.
-yep... emm... what does it exactly mean?
-We think you can make the Ottomans come to terms!

-Come to terms, you say? [Lights get dark, sad music begins, the queen looks at the ambassador’s eyes] long time ago our peoples fought each other cruelly... our peoples still kept on savaging, meaning the destruction of both countries... I shall not risk my people to another war... besides, they have an enormous fleet.

-No, they don’t.
-What?!?

-They have no such a fleet.
-How come?!?

-well, just a few ships at Istambul.
-Really?

-Aye! I mean..., yes king.
-Sharpen your bayonets, we’re at war!

-We don’t want war!! We just want you to ask them for peace...
-Bow and get lost, Egyptian ally.


The ambassador bows and gets lost.


The Minister of Peace and Democracy gets in.


-Ma’am, we have a good navy at Barcelona’s pier, we can be landing troops on Cairo by the next week.

-What? Do you want to send our troops to death? No no, let the Egyptians bait the Ottomans into the desert while we attack their rear. Also call the Austrians, they shall join us.


-And how do we attack then?
-You send the new Navy to block Istanbul, troops to take their defenceless land in Africa and in the Balkans. We can even gain some territories.

-Africa? Why do we want land in Africa?
-Because Morocco is our puppet, and with that land we will be flanking French Africa... just in case.
-uhm, my queen, you are getting very dangerous for your enemies.

-Let’s hope you never become one of them. Uhm?


...

...



One year later...

Egypt has taken thousands of casualties, while Spain and Austria have been busy conquering all the Ottoman Europe and Africa. The more soil falls under Austrian control, the more dangerous gets the situation, as Austria might sign a unilateral peace with the Ottoman Empire, taking some land for herself. The queen is very nervous.


A courier runs into Isabella’s chamber...



-Ma’am, the Ottoman Sultan has sent us a peace petition: you get Albania and Africa; they respect the borders with Egypt and even free some of Egyptian provinces.

-What does Austria get?
-Nuthin’, ma’am.

[the queen nods]... -Sign it.


.....Once again, Isabella has proven her intelligence to defend the honour of her allies and to help humbly her friends when the enemies of order, law and democracy show their teeth.
 
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I love the first post. Gets the Spanish Empire perfectly! I can imagine your Empress looking behind the sofa for the 'lost' Spanish Empire ;)
 
It is really 'psychodelic'... But a few images...would be great...!