Chopsticks in the Mist

[Peter Ebbesen]

Chopsticks in the Mist


...In those days did the relatively sane Chiang Kai-shek rule the government of Mighty China, and his most democratic government worked in wondrous ways to restore the majesty of the realm. Biased and partisan though he might be, nobody ever called foreign minister Wang Ching-Wei a crooked plutocrat. They reserved that sobriquet for Tai Li, the Head of Military Intelligence, a man notorious for his greed and loyalty.

"Will this really pass the censors, Master?"

"Certainly, disciple. If you add enough platitudes, the censors' eyes will lose focus and their tiny brains will shut down. Convoluted sentences can work wonders as well. Now, where was I..."

...The Invincible Nationalist Armies of China numbered 48 militia divisions, a few horses, a fascinatingly understrength tank division, a couple of infantrymen, some of the most glorious obsolete planes in existence, and a handful of agéd cruisers. Disdaining the weakness of spirit that had led Japan to study the results of WWI and implement doctrinal, organisational, and equipmental changes to their armed forces, the Invincible Nationalist Armies of China relied on tried and true decades old equipment and doctrines that had led to glorious defeat against

"Equipmental surely isn't a word, Master?"

"It contains multiple syllables, disciple. Nobody will notice."

...With an industry that was a century behind the avant-garde of high-society and the love of the people, there could be no doubt. China, nationalist China, that is, not the traitors of Sinkiang or the Communist rabble, was the most glorious nation on Earth. The only thorn in the side of Chiang Kai-shek was thus the ongoing wars against the traitors and rabble, and the Japanese occupation of Manchuria. And Korea. And Taiwan. And many other places besides.

"Carefully, Master."

"Right, disciple. Teach your grandmother to suck eggs, will you?"

...Fortunately, the all-knowing Chiang Kai-shek had a plan. A most excellent plan. He wanted to get rid of Japan. However, there was just one slight problem. Though a Mongol Invasion of Japan had been launched from China many centuries earlier, utilizing the rude ships of the time, in these enlightened days no self-respecting infantryman would ever dream of invading an enemy unless he travel on a modern assault barge, or transport, to be precise. Which technology was currently unknown to China due to the wisdom of the benevolent leadership of the glorious government.

"Nice save, Master.

"Hush!"

...To remedy this would take time, and time waits on no man, and no man knows his destiny, and destiny comes to he who dares, and he who dares wins. Chiang Kai-shek dared. In a move of such audacity that Christopher Columbus himself, the first man to discover America after the eunuch admiral Zeng He, copied it from him centuries before Chiang Kai-shek was born, a fitting tribute to the greatness of Chiang Kai-shek, namely, to Go West in order to Go East.

"?"

"Learn well, disciple. The censors don't understand irony either."




The Rules

• Nationalist China
• GC 1936 on Very Hard/Furious
• HOI v1.01

The Goals

• Fool around in Asia
• And Europe
• Get transport ships before 1948
• Get rid of the Japananese Empire

The Notes
This is my second game of HOI and I'm not taking it too seriously, to be perfectly honest. Despite a great game-engine, HOI 1.01 has just as many shortcomings as EU2 had at patch level 1.01, and it is currently poor (to put it mildly) at handling weird ahistoric interference by neutral nations that are mainly intended to stay put, provide resources, and roll over when one of the historic major powers come knocking, so expect a ridiculous outcome to this game. Additionally, since this is only my second game, I'm bound to make plenty of mistakes. If I'm very lucky, I'll make enough to lose the game, which would be nice for a change.

[Ding Chavez]

I'll keep my eyes on this one.

[ShrineGuard]

Wonderful beginning. I can't want to see how this develops. Very nice writing style

[Tambourmajor]

Finally, an AAR by the Master of World Conquest himself!

Fascinating.

[ehrie]

I personally can't wait to see his Conquering the World with Belguim AAR.

[Peter Ebbesen]

Originally posted by ehrie
I personally can't wait to see his Conquering the World with Belguim AAR.

Be nice

I won't try anything that silly until HOI has been patched several times, and perhaps not even then. A cursory analysis suggests that you could, at present, produce a few cavalry (storing troops in the redeployment void while producing), declare war, and then run circles around the forces of either France or Germany until you could annex them or alternatively install a puppet regime (much easier, after all)

By declaring war several times on neighbouring nations, you could possibly conquer Romania or Bulgaria before that (Denmark would also be a good choice due to the production of Copenhagen), allowing you a secure base to generate ICs for more cavalry (using such a strategy you certainly don't want to fight, but only to run... FAST. The focus would be on swallowing up neutral countries initially while remaining neutral yourself)

Bah! Don't tempt me, Ehrie. I'm not going to try anything like that in my second game, for chrissakes! I just want to learn enough tech to allow China to invade Japan

[Peter Ebbesen]

Chopsticks in the Mist

...In the early days of 1936 did China embark on a great leap sidewards with the investment of nearly half its industrial capacity in an attempt to increase the aforementioned capacity. This effort was led by the tireless Chief Goon of Armament, Bai Chongxi, and it was predicted that it would pay off handsomely in time. Only Beijing and Shanghai, the industrial centres of China, were exempted, in order that at least a trickle of industry would remain to support the people and the army. However, due to the tireless efforts of the men and women of China, a rubber shortage was quick to develop

"Heh.."

"Shut up, disciple. It isn't that funny."

...Which was temporarily solved by trading coal and steel on the world market. The wise Chiang Kai-shek decreed that 300 units of steel would be traded for 100 units of rubber, and likewise coal, and to lessen the overproduction of coal and steel and to help the foreign devils lacking in natural resources, he made similar decrees concerning oil. Nevertheless, it was not in China's interest to be without a source of rubber, so all the finest minds of China were directed to discover new and improved industrial technologies by applying ancient Chinese wisdom and whatever remained of the industry that wasn't used to feed the people, in order that China might - some day in the future - be capable of producing synthetic rubber. This left the army on 1/5th rations, but that only made them more mean and fearsome, which shows what an excellent judge of character the Chief of Staff was.

"Master? How does that work in practise, exactly?"

"What, disciple?"

"Well, I mean, one moment we've got all these factories producing, oh, you know, chopsticks, clothes, water-hoses, and those new fangled things that go BEEP, and the next they are told to reinvent Hydrology or a Light Mortar or something. It must be very inefficient"

"Remember this phase of history, disciple. A Light Mortar was high tech and utterly out of the reach of China at this time, and the difference between a pair of chopsticks and a chemical technique should not be overestimated."

"But Master, surely"

"Shut up!"

...Meanwhile, the Chinese armies overran the Sinkiang controlled Southern areas, and by January 21st, 1936, the South was under Field Marshal Chiang Kai-sheks rule again. Redeploying the mighty armies, ten divisions in all, including the pictoresque tank division, were planted seemingly haphazardly (though of course in accordance with a most excellent plan) on the Japanese border in Manchuria, while two divisions guarded Guangzhou. Half the remaining militia divisions and all three cavalry divisions were dispatched for the North-Western border with Sinkiang, the other half reinforced the brave souls keeping the commie scum who survived the long waddle trapped in central China. Taking personal command, Field Marshal Chiang Kai-shek proceeded to eliminate the trapped rabble aided occasionally by a stray bomb from the obsolete airforce, while some other hobo led the North-Western armies against the might of Sinkiang

"Is it really allowed to call a decorated Field Marshal a Hobo, Master?"

"Certainly, disciple. The censors don't know what it means either"

...By March 19th, 1936, Sinkiang was annexed, and two days later, the commies ceased to exist as a seperate force as well, leaving China, for the moment, at peace. In a show of patriotism, the populace decided that they needed twice as many consumer goods when at peace as they had when at war, leading to a reevaluation of industrial priorities by the benign government. However, peace should be no excuse to let the soldiers' skills grow rusty, so some fifteen divisions were sent on forced marches up and down the Tibetan border. Now that China was at peace it was time to be reunited with Tibet, so the foreign minister sent a letter suggesting that Tibet drop all pretense of independence and join China in a forward-looking mutually beneficient proactive dynamic relationship, and they, of course, agreed to this eminently sensible suggestion, leading to the incorporation of Tibet in China on April 2nd. Desiring to see the ancient mountains and the hidden valleys of Tibet, the divisions marched south, and, by mistake, straight on into Siam. Faced by eighteen militia and three cavalry divisions on short rations and hearing the wisdom of Chiang Kai-shek, the people of Siam quickly decided to kick out its current corrupt and criminal regime on June 2nd that year, to join in the bright future of China.


...To be continued...

[Eochaid]

Well well well. Who is it but our good friend the bouncAAR... I can't believe you're just fooling around the HoI AAR forum while we at the bAAR are so damned worried about your health!

As usual Peter, a good start and a very entertaining style. Overruning Commie China and Sinkiang should be easy. Nihon on should prove a bit more difficult!

EDIT> and of course, you had to prove me right by posting while I was busy commenting this AAR! Good job Peter

[Faeelin]

Oh god no. There are going to be Nationalists Chinese in Moscow. I guarantee it.

[ehrie]

Bah! Don't tempt me, Ehrie. I'm not going to try anything like that in my second game, for chrissakes! I just want to learn enough tech to allow China to invade Japan

In the spirit of your AAR, wise man say, "Plant seed, tree grow."

[The Danish King]

Nice work so far, Peter!

[PriestOfDiscord]

Originally posted by Peter Ebbesen
...In the early days of 1936 did China embark on a great leap sidewards...

Hahahahahahaha!

You have a fantastic writing style, and reading this has made me want to go look at your past works. Fantastic stuff. I hope you keep at it, because this really is cracking me up. Hell, you might even scrounge up enough IC's for a transport 10 or so years down the line.

[Norgesvenn]

The great leap sidewards seems like a good idea, yes.

And the rubber shortage... well, let's just say that Mao wouldn't allow it.

Wonderful, wonderful, Peter. Glad to see you turning to HoI as well. Seems as if Nationalist China is a toughie, but when facing Siam and those commie red pinkos, it's not that hard...

However, peace should be no excuse to let the soldiers' skills grow rusty, so some fifteen divisions were sent on forced marches up and down the Tibetan border

So that's the rationale behind the neutral AIs sending their troops up and down their countries...

[Nikolai II]

And in thoose days it was known that along the north-west border would lie the completely pointless nation of Mongolia which had once served as a source of Chinese rulership. On the off-chance that this barren country would still have some hidden-away talents of leadership that could be used by the resurgent China it was gloriously invaded in the year of XXXX late/early [season].

There.

Just copy and paste when applicable

And try to conquer as little of Europe as possible

[Luskan]

These threads are like a HOI signature gold mine . . .

[Peter Ebbesen]

Chopsticks in the Mist

...Meanwhile, some nine militia divisions which had been on extended leave in the former Sinkiang, struck a blow in the fight against international terrorism by invading Afghanistan, a fitting tribute to the stunning foresight of Chiang Kai-shek. War was declared on June 5th, the army arrived in Kabul on July 2nd, and following running battles and the cleaning out of cave complexes, Afghanistan was annexed on August 21st, 1936. But all had not been quite on the research front. The superior Chinese scientists had developed the very first modern technology utilizing ancient Chinese wisdom, Hydrogenation. A lesser leader than the great Chiang Kai-shek would have begun developing a method to produce oil from coal, but that was not to be the case, no, not at all, Plastic, he said, was the way of the future

"'The Way Of The Future Is Plastic', is what I believe he said, Master?"

"In this particular case, it is no longer safe to quote him verbatim, disciple."

...The next target of Chinese Liberation was Persia, the decadent home of dastardly rejects, and a strong blow for the security of the Soviet Union. No longer would the Union of Sovereign Socialist Republics need to fear its long southern border, for Mighty China, friend of the USSR, would guarantee its safety. Except for the thin Eastern strip, where the aggressive, shifty, untrustworthy, malign, and, in fact, thoroughly despicable, Japanese threatened Soviet prosperity. Field Marshal Chiang Kai-shek led the main thrust of nine militia divisions, while another nine militia divisions were ably led by one of his superior flunkies, and the three cavalry divisions overran Southern Persia. The Liberation began August 27th and was concluded on January 2nd, 1937.

"I thought the USSR were commie scum like the CHC, Master?"

"They have too many divisions, disciple, and Stalin is not known for his patience."

As the previous year's building of industrial complexes was completed on schedule, the industrial capacity of the glorious Chinese nation soared. Combined with the industries of the Liberated Areas, the industrial capacity was up to 243 from 68, an increase of 257%. Undaunted, the Chief Goon of Armament, Bai Chongxi, proclaimed that the building of industry would continue, here, there, and all over the place, in every single province with a capacity less than seven. As the new year began, some cowards began wondering about the great Southern Neighbour, the foreign devil, the United Kingdom, but Chiang Kai-shek and minister of foreign affairs Wang Ching-Wei calmed their worries: The UK supported entry into the war with an unprecedented minus 88%. In his wisdom, Chiang Kai-shek presented the unworthy scum the British Ambassador with a modern Chinese Abacus and an ancient Chinese tract on mathematics.


...To be continued...

[Norgesvenn]

Originally posted by Peter Ebbesen
The UK supported entry into the war with an unprecedented minus 88%. In his wisdom, Chiang Kai-shek presented the unworthy scum the British Ambassador with a modern Chinese Abacus and an ancient Chinese tract on mathematics.[/I]

Quite possibly one your funniest lines ever, Peter.

I'm really getting a feeling that Nationalist China have a huge potential in your hands.

[Sam Vimes]

Oh God, he is back, leading the powerfull forces of the middle Empire to everywhere : east, south, north and west : quite a good point being in the middle…

Nice work as usual

[Stroph1]

Somehow I get the feeling the Germany and Japan are not the powers to fear....



Nice Start.

[Alwin von Arlt]

Heck at this pace China will have 2 billion people by 1948 =) funny as heck, pls continue