InTveresting Times: An AfTver Action Report

Apologies for brevity of replies, chaps, I had a full version done then accidentally deleted it

loki100 said:

impressive and creative death there ... up with your best

impressive line:

... of course the badger is completely safe until our glorious ruler's badback is solved and he can go hunting again

and a useful set of stats on Mitrofan, presume you could do with some peace to burn down infamy?

The war exhaustion you inflicted on the Austrians is going to give them some bad problems too

Click to expand...

I could, sadly his Dip is very low so it'll take ages. Embassies and Diplomats are good.

Omen said:

Yessss. A glorious war and a glorious Tverian exchange of power. I am very happy to know that they have not given up on their traditions.

Hot butter. I don't know why, but I really like that one.

Click to expand...

Fear not, we're back to the normal 'election process' for new heads of state...

SirkTheMonkey said:

You must've reached really deep to find that Sarajevo pun. I hope poor Bunzle wasn't hurt in the assassination accident. Surely he should be lauded for his role in saving Tver from a nascent tyrant. Telyatevsky looks like a man whose either had too much coffee or not enough.

Click to expand...

It was pretty bad...and Bunzle has become the first dog in space! Sorry Laika...

drSandworm said:

Another change of power in Tver. Let's hope that he'll survive longer than the last one.

Spoiler

though judging by his stats that's not likely

They need to make a law that bans animals, alive or otherwise, in the palace. They seem to bring nothing but trouble.

Also, I have to wonder how do you come up with all these geographical puns- do you employ special mind excersises or do they just come when you're writing?

As always, looking forward to more.

Click to expand...

Heh, they just come naturally, though I do briefly analyse each new place name for such potential...

morningSIDEr said:

Masterfully masterful stuff.

I've slowly been catching up with this over the last week and the updates have been filled with far too many cracking puns, but one which in particular made me wince (in a good way)...



Quite the changes to the Empire too. Gone the Rurikovichs from power (rather missed to my mind), a Commonwealth now! I wasn't much of a fan of Mitrofan thus I cannot lament his passing. I quite liked Kashinsky for the short time he was with us (yap!), and now with the bookish Telyatevsky I wonder if he'll prove something of a Aleksandr V (another I liked).

Anyway, Austria now Manchu'd, a new ruler elected and doubtless more Tverrific updates ahead!

Click to expand...

Great to see you around, chief

I get the feeling I'm the only one who liked Mitrofan he was fun to write and draw at least...

And yes, I suspect the new guy may be an illegitimate descendant of Aleks V, having exactly the same stats...

Mishgan said:

Tver sure saves a lot of money on the logistics behind a proper electoral process.

Click to expand...

Money reinvested in more important things like palaces, firearms and loose men and women!

BogMod said:

Hey, nothing wrong with Tyrants. They called them Rurikoviches at one point. Good respectful group that.

Click to expand...

Agreed! And don't give up all hope for the House of Rurik yet...

TheChalk said:

Tyrant, or Tverant?

Click to expand...

...or both?

ScatheMote said:

I just caught up to the end of the thread. I liked it so much that felt the need to unlurk to post my appreciation.

And thus, with appreciations posted, I relurk once more.

Click to expand...

I appreciate it, thanks Again, if people didn't comment I wouldn't know anyone was reading this stuff

blsteen said:

Ah transitions, Tver will have to now suffer the wrath of the bean counter

Click to expand...

Again. But we survived the last one. As they say around here, what could possibly...

Episode LXXII: LiberTver, EgaliTver, FraterniTver

Lord Protector's Residence, City of Tver, Imperial Commonwealth of Tver 1708

It was a time of change in the Imperial Commonwealth of Tver. The Austrians had been driven back, humiliated, her empire split in two as the rampant Tverians took Constantinople within their borders. This great victory, though, had not come without cost: the great conqueror, Lord Protector Kashinsky, had died in a mysterious and tragic grenade-and-dog-related incident which his successor definitely had absolutely nothing to do with.

This reluctant successor to the man for whom he had always had the greatest of respect was Lord Protector Mitrofan Telyatevsky. Previously chief administrator for the Imperial Council, his proximity to Kashinsky made him the obvious choice. Proximity in the sense of knowledge of his plans, that is, having been nowhere near him at the time of his unfortunate demise.

It was not only the Lord Protector's office that was to be passed to a new recipient, though its succession was a simpler matter. For centuries the Dobczyńskis had served the Dukes, Grand Dukes, Princes and Emperors of Tver as their chief advisors.

'I don't know if I'm ready for this, mother.'

Marta Hallie Dobczyńska smiled at her son.

'You don't have to be ready, kochanie. I wasn't ready. You never know what they're going to be like, these Princes and Czars and Lords Protector and all the rest of them.'

'I just don't know if I'm qualified.'

'I had two degrees, ten years of training in swordsmanship, eight studying military tactics, and nine months of unnecessarily elaborate catburglary to blow off some steam. You've got most of those.'

'Apart from the catburglary.'

'Works better for women, that one. With all the leather and everything...'

'...I feel like this line of conversation should make me uncomfortable.'

'You're a Dobczyński. We have a high tolerance for such things.'

'Thank you, mother. I'm sure I'll be fine.'

'Your father would be proud.'

'I hope so.'

'You're very like him. Apart from the hair colour. Now get along with you.'

'Will do. I'll come back to Płock when I can.'

Marta embraced her son one more time, and exited, stage right.

Przemysław Malcolm Dobczyński-Beloselsky cracked his knuckles. He was a Dobczyński. There was work to be done. It was time for business and, as with all men and women of his house, Przemek Dobczyński knew a thing or two about business.




Dobczyński knocked upon the Lord Protector's office door, and entered. Mitrofan Telyatevsky looked up from behind a stack of papers.

'Welcome, young Dobczyński. I trust your mother has shown you the ropes.'

'She knows a thing or two about ropes, sir.'

Then, on to important business. The portrait of me in the hall of the Lords Protector.'

'Yes, sir.'

'It's not very good.'

'I gather the court artist was having some difficulties with some of his more recent creations, sir. Something to do with 'tablets' and 'Sketchbooks-Pro' and 'Files not opening meaning I can't use the usual modded images in the new style' or somesuch blabber.'

'Yes, well. Fyrek Gekoniewskiy is an artist of unorthodox style...'

'It won't do! He will paint a better portrait of me, and of my predecessor, with background details like every other portrait of Tverian rulers stretching back to time immemorial!'

'I'll have A Quiet Word with him, sir.'

'Why anyone follows that man's work, I'll never know.'





'Very well. Now, I am in charge, Dobczyński.'

'Yes, sir.'

'The Captain of the Good Ship Tver.'

'May God bless her and all who sail in her.'

'Amen. And how might we bless them, Dobczyński?'

'By making them happy. Make them feel free, and joyous, and fortunate to live in this most enlightened of nations.'

'Steady on.'

'You asked for my opinion.'

'I need opinions I can agree with. Freedom? Equality? Brotherhood? What is this, France?'

'No, sir.'

'These things are not profitable.'

'They can be, sir. Promoting the spirit of freedom would elad to unprecedented advances in the arts and sciences.'

'...and the profit?'

'The profit? The profit to humanity would be incalculable.'

'I am not humanity!'

'You're inhuman?'

'I don't like uncalculable profits. I am a calculator, Dobczyński! I need something tangible, something I can hold in the palm of my hand.'

'You must have very small profits.'

'It would be a waste of money.'

'If money is all that you love, then that's what you'll receive.'

'How?'

'Advances in science mean advances in production and military technologies, hugely boosting our economy.'

'Aha! Now you're talking my language.'

'Spaseeba'

'What?'

'Nothing. Can I bring in an era of Enlightenment?'

'Oh, very well Dobczyński. But I'm investing a lot in you, Dobczyński. This had better be worth it.'

'I'm always worth it, sir. Just ask your daughter in law.'





'What else is happening?'

'Been to Constantinople recently, sir?'

'Never. Never understood people's obsession with that place.'

'Is it all Greek to you?'

'It's a rich city but we don't make enough tax from it. So little that I'm wary of what little revenue we do extract from them.'

'Beware of Greeks bearing gifts.'

'Anyway, why do you mention that hive of ruffians?'

'A thought, sir. We could repopulate it.'

'Replacing our Orthodox brethren?'

'They're Catholics, sir. It was part of Austria for well over a century. And there are as many Turks there as Greeks.'

'A Settlement Policy, you mean?'

'Yes sir. It would increase the risk of revolt.'

'It would be madness.'

'It would also double its tax take.'

'Do it immediately.'





'The other thing about Constantinople...'

'Yes?'

'The Emperor wants it.'

'Did he not get ripped to pieces by the Ottomans centuries ago?'

'The other Roman Emperor.'

'The one from Rome?'

'No.'

'Which one's from Rome?'

'...actually, neither of them. This one's from Provence.'

'Well, tell him that he can't have it.'

'Eloquently?'

'If you like. Put that expensive education to good use.'

'Your Maj, we've considered your case
But we're not going let you have Thrace
'ttack us, Imperator
And your forces we'll batter
'fore slapping you hard in the face'





'How stands the army?'

'In excellent humour, sir, especially since the new uniforms were delivered.'

'Ah, yes. Hats! Big hats! A sign of nobility if there ever was one!'





'Now then, Dobczyński. I've been thinking.'

'Ave Maria, gratia plena, Dominus tecum...'

'This palace of mine...'

'It's a residence. The Palace is for the Czar.'

'As you say. Regardless, I think we should do it up a little. We've had Lords protector for a while, after all. Shouldn't they have a slightly prettier residence?'

'A bit, sir, I agree. But we can't overdo it. Would be politically unwise. Something stately, but not Imperial. I'll design it myself if you like'

'Neo-classical eh? Know how to use columns?'

'Ask your daughter-in-law.'





'Even better, sir: we've found the court musician.'

'Ah, excellent. Talented man, even if his stage name is a bit rubbish.'





'Any other outstanding talents at court?'

'The spymaster, sir. He's been doing sterling work in recent months destabilising our enemies.'

'I don't like him. He looks at me in a strange way. I don't trust him.'

'He's a spymaster, sir. He's meant to be untrustworthy.'

'Still. I don't think he likes me either.'

'Well, he's a talented man. I don't think we've heard the last of the Sugorskys...'





'So. All is generally well, I feel. We should soon be able to westernise our military!'

'That may not be as simple as you think, sir.'

'Why? I'm capable enough!'

'Yes, sir. But the provinces are resisting our attempts to centralise control.'

'We need to centralise to westernise!'

'If we ignore them we'll losee the chance to westernise at all for a decade.'

'That makes no sense!'

'Lord Paradoksov can explain it to you lataer, sir. For now, we have to accept their demands.'

'Oh very well, damn their eyes.'





'Right, the obstacle to westernisation has been negotiated. We can now westernise, da?'

Niet.'

'Now what?'

'Now the peasants are resisting westernisation.'

'We just dealt with one of these.'

'And now we have another one.'

'What do they want?'

'Free love and high-strength alcoholic beveages. And to destabilise us.'

'We need stability to westernise!'

'Again, if we don't...'

'Where is Paradoksov? I want ten minutes with him in a darkened room with the leg of a disassembled table.'





'But don't worry, sir: times are prospering!'

'We are decentralised and destabilised, both for no logical reason. How can we prospering?'

'The Duke of Smoleńsk wishes to part-fund a University.'

'Oh. Haven't we been waiting for this to happen since the fifteenth century?'

'Yes. But we shouldn't look a gift educational establishment in the mouth.'

'500 million ducats is not a gift.'

'Cut-price educational establishment.'

'You're not going to give this up, are you?'

'Once I get going, sir, there's no stopping me.'

'Very well.'

'How is your daughter-in-law by the way?'





Thankfully, Dobczyński's skilled reforms were able to swiftly re-centralise and re-stabilise the Imperial Commonwealth, readying this mighty nation for the task of westernising its military.

'Splendid, Dobczyński. Let us do this!'

'Let's just be careful, sir. Modernising an old-fashioned institution like the army could cause unrest.'

'Surely progress is a good thing?'

'Long-term, yes. But new ideas take a while to become popular. I am assured that modernisation will lead to huge amounts of short-term complications...and the Enlightenment has already brought the rebels and lunatics out of the wardrobe.'

'I can deal with it. I am an administrator, Dobczyński! I will administrate. I will legislate our enemies into submission, flatten them beneath the wheels of progress. Westernise!'

'On your bewigged head it be, sir...'





'Well, it looks like we're setting an example, sir.'

'What do you mean? Our neighbours are wearing jabots?'

'Not yet, though they should. I hear the court artist wore one when he got married...'

'What is happening?'

'Bohemia are overrun with revolutionaries, sir..'

'Bohemians with radical ideas? We'll never hear the like again.'





'So, sir. How's that administration of westernisation going?'

'Er..well, it could be...a bit better...'





'I was wondering if we should let the spirit of Liberty, Equality and Fraternity die down a bit first...'

'No matter! Our armies can deal with it, can they not?'

'You mean the armies you didn't let me expand before we undertook two major revolt-risk-increasing measures within a few years of each other?'

'More reports of rebels appear by the day! From Silesia to Irkutsk, they're everywhere! No sooner do I finish a sheaf of reports but ten more appear!'





The armies of Tver did their best in hunting down the rebels, but there were too many. Revolutionaries of every stripe: patriots in the old Tartar lands, nationalists in Europe, Particularists in the colonies demanding autonomy. The Commonwealth's troops were stretched thin, and sieges began to turn into surrender.

'We are losing provinces, Dobczyński, and losing profits along with them!'

'Not to mention Prestige. Sir, you must let me create new armies once we take back our heartland.'

'You don't have enough manpower?'

'My own manpower is more than sufficient, sir, but I can't be everywhere at once!'





Dobczyński rode for the western border, and began directing the Tverian armies in retaking their Polish provinces. Tverian Particularists, though, took this as a glorious opportunity, and marched on the capital itself! For the first time since the black days of the Golden Horde, the city of Tver was occupied by a hostile force. The Lord Protector barricaded himself inside his residence as the rebels ran amok in the streets!

It was fortunate for him that Dobczyński's cousin, General Yevgeniy Beloselsky, was nearby, and his troops rode to the relief of the Commonwealth's beleaguered capital.

Dobczyński was annoyed with himself. Leaving one's back door vulnerable was a schoolboy error. Especially at the school he'd been to.





From Dresden to Kamchatka the rebels marched on, besieging towns and cities. Where Tver's armies were able to engage them, they were almost always triumphant, but there were just too many uprisings to contain.

The Lord Protector was frantic. Sweat beaded his brow, and his jabot was ruffled. But not nearly as ruffled as his country.

'Defections, declarations of independece...what have we done, Dobczyński?'

'Destabilised our country and let rebels run free throughout her lands, sir.'

'How did this happen?'

'I did warn you...'

'Now is not the time for pithy epithets!'

'Let me know when a good time would be...'

After years of occupation, the worst of Telyatevsky's fears were realised: Alimuly and Argyn defected to the remnants of the Timurid Empire. In Siberia, similar revolutions took place, as the Sibir Khanate declared its independence from the Imperial Commonwealth, followed swiftly by the reformed state of Zaporozhie. Enemies defeated centuries ago were reappearing within the border. Destabilised and fragmented, her armies stretched beyond their capacities, these were dangerous times for the Commonwealth...

Chief Ragusa said:

Tverians are particular about their rulers and they don't like Mitrofan. I thought with all those revolts I was wandered into a Prawnstar aar. Revolts everywhere as far as the eye can see. I never bother with military modernisation. Not only do you lose western influences, but the event gives you a whole load of negatives. I think they should be positives aside from the additional revolt risk. Still it is this kind of thing that will lead people to fondly remember the Tsars and forget their excesses.

I'm sure Malcolm will sort it all out.

Click to expand...

Yes, it did go a bit Prawnstar for a while. I haven't been that annoyed at this game since the Horde period! 'Enough, I get it, now stop!' I had a cloud of new revolts every time I bloody unpaused!

As for Modernisation, I was just a bit tired of the -2 Prestige event popping up, and felt that it was something I Should Do at some point. In hindsight, not the best time, but I'd been waiting for ages to get a high ADM ruler.

And he's a Dobczyński. He'll find a way.

Omen said:

Looks like many wars to come. They were probably pissed off that they lost their snazzy hats.

Click to expand...

To be fair, I'd be pissed off if I lost my hat. And it's less snazzy than theirs, although I think the Mitres are pretty cool as well. Lets them move diagonally!

At least we're not having uniform problems like the Austrians, who seem to be unsure of their proper dress code...(these are from the same day)

SirkTheMonkey said:

It looks like you've stirred up a hive of angry buzzing peasants. Hopefully you still have cores on the lands that you lost so you can easily get them back later once the mess has been cleaned up. Stirling work with the humour as usual.

Click to expand...

Thankfully yes, I didn't lose any non-core Provinces to other/reformed countries.

And thank you, though I'm from Paisley, not Stirling

Gruzmog said:

khanates are annoying o.o no reconquest casus belli. I don't think I would have westernized myself as I like different style units but it should not be to much of a hastle in the end. Did you try recruiting mercenaries for rebel hunting? You can't be short on gold. with such an empire

Click to expand...

Also thankfully, they appeared as Tribals so I was able to Reconquest them.

And again, in hindsight, Mercs could have been useful, as I had plenty of cash (though I was running an annual loss for a while once I'd lost all those provinces to rebels).

Deus Eversor said:

he is PRZEMEK :angry:

also, this is some vic2 style revolt there!

Click to expand...

It's fine, he's both The Dobczyńskis are Scoto-Poles, mainly Polish but with strong Caledonian influences. I don't think Przemek Dobczyński is bothered which name people use, as long as they spell it right

The Arch Mede said:

Time of Tverbles?

Click to expand...

Tverrible Tverbles!

ScatheMote said:

RevolTvers run amok?

Click to expand...

This is beyond amok! I was terified about opportunistic DoWs at this point, I wouldn't have had the manpower to fight off a dogpile! (unlike Dobczyński, who had more than enough man power for any situation)

loki100 said:

Eek, that is scary stuff ... but fortunately



still it is clear the realm is still guided by a true Dobczyński, so all is not lost



Clearly the re-appearance of MorningSIDEr has led to the reintroduction of bad poetry.

Also sounds as if your drawing gizmos are making problems for you?

Click to expand...

Light at the end of the tunnel, and all that...and yes, great to see him around. Though the Poetry Masters of Sokoto could do much better even than P. M. Dobczyński-Beloselsky's thunderous efforts I'm sure!

Mithfir said:

Now that Tver is shaping up to be like the USSR, did you come up with an acronym? I thought about The Verily Extravagant Republic.

Click to expand...

Oh, now, I like that! The Russian pronunciation is more like Tveer or Tvier...The Very Imperially Extravagant Republic?

We can work on it

BogMod said:

Dangerous! Come on pull it together Tver!

Click to expand...

We're tryin' Captain! We're stretched to capacity, and I don't have Dob's stamina!

blsteen said:

I'm sure the mighty Tverites will get the situation under control once they get their stab up and armies organized.
Nice to see Marta exit stage right, even if I and Tver will miss her "assets"

Click to expand...

I hope so, though it's bloody hard work. Like Whackamole.

And yes, I'll miss drawing her as well. I'm not good at it, but I like the variety of drawing both men and women., But then, some people missed the homoeroticism, so that will return in the age of wigs and tight pantaloons...

Mr. Sometimes said:

This would never have happened with a Rurikovich on the throne!

Click to expand...

Well, I don't know. No rebellions on this scale, but it would have depended on the Rurik. Aleks II would have just waved his lance at them and sent them scurrying back to their holes. Quite the devil with his lance, he was.

Episode LXXIII: The ReconquisTver

Burgomeister's Residence, City of Wrocław, Kingdom of Poland, Imperial Commonwealth of Tver 1713

Przemysław Malcolm Dobczyński, Captain of the Guard and Chief Advisor to the Lord Protector of the Imperial Commonwealth of Tver, had realised something: he had an exceptionally long title.

He was stopped from reflecting further on the matter by the presence of the aforementioned Lord Protector, Mitrofan Telyatrevsky, a man who was always requesting Updates. Telyatevsky had his qualities – or quality at least, usage of plural in the matter of such a highly specialised man being a matter of debate – but he could be rather awkward to work with. He was always talking of Updates, and Efficiency. He had even asked Dobczyński to Touch Base with him once, resulting in a medicinal slap across the chops with a halibut to bring Telyatevsky to his senses (to this day it is not only legal, but a solemn duty, of any resident of the Commonwealth to slap anyone who uses meaningless management speak outwith a valid excuse, such as the proximity of a loaded firearm to their cranium).





'Well then, Dobczyński, what is happening? How fares our rebel problem?'

'Rebel rebel... it's improving, sir. I have insitited a concerted push, starting in Poland and Czechia, through our heartland.'

'Is Tver safe?'

'It is, sir, but we should wait before relocating. We barely got you out safely last time, and I'm not taking any risks.'

'I thought you Poles enjoyed taking risks.'

'Normally we do, sir, but it is the sworn duty of the Dobczyńskis to protect the head of state of Tver.'

'With ceratin exceptions.'

'My mother is an exceptional woman. In more than one way I gather...'

'You disgress, Dobczyński.'

'Yes, sir.'

'Digression is inefficient.'

'But rebel-whacking is not, sir, and our strategical whackage is gradually reducing the problem.'

'Going well then?'

'I have divided the army into smaller units to maximise our coverage of territory, and allowing us to attack as many rebel strongholds at once as we can.'

'Impressive organisation, Dobczyński. Our armies are large, but surprisingly flexible.'

'Much like your daughter-in-law.'





'Well. That will do. What is happening in the parliament?'

'The nobles are demanding privileges.'

'They have them. They are nobles, being noble is a privilege.'

'They want more. The Duke of Pskov is demanding the reinstatement of some of the pre-Imperial rights of the nobility, abolished by Empress Alexandra.'





'Stall him. Give him a few concessions. The Conservatives are still with us, sadly, a blight on the face of progress.'

'Very good, sir. In other news, we seem to have started a trend.'

'What do you mean?'

'The new leader of Bohemia sends his greetings.'

'Another king copped it?'

'And replaced with a Commonwealth. Lord Protector Vaclav Trutnov is their new leader.'





'Heavens. Vaclav the Fat Slav made something of himself!'

'Apparently so, sir. Maybe we should go and visit him? Our armies seem to go to Prague every few years anyway.'

'Capital idea! Not yet, though. I want things to quieten down on the home front first. Have we dealt with those bloody Siberians yet?'

'Yes, sir. Both Sibir and Zaporozhie have been re-annexed.'

'What were Zaporozhie doing there anyway?'

'Got lost I think.'




'Anyway, sir, further news from the Duke of Pskov.'

'Oh?'

'Or not, rather. He's dead?'

'Incredible!'

'Out of remorse for his previous ambition and greed, it seems he threw himself down the stairs.'

'Nasty.'

'Twice.'

'Poor fellow.'

'Onto a couple of loaded muskets.'

'Not the luckiest chap, was he? Not sure we can trust these aristocratic types to run things. Seem a bit unstable.'

'Apparently so, sir.'

'More merchants in the cabinet, that's the way forwards. Profit! Not privilege!'

'Sounds like a good campaign slogan. You should use that when you run for re-election.'

'…'

'Oh.'





'We put the “dictatorship” in “Republican Dictatorship”, Dobczyński.'

'Some would question the “Republican” and “tatorship”, but anyway...'

'While we're reforming the cabinet, I want it expanded.'

'Very well, sir.'

'More economists, and more diplomats. Great men have to make unpopular decisions.'

'Then your popularity is assured.'

'sacrifices have to be made. Investments are required for profits. And Tverian soldiers are a currency we have in abundance.'

'Your concern for my men's lives is legendary, sir.'

'Expand my cabinet, Dobczyński!'

'I think the Swedish embassy is still open...'




'What about the Spymaster?'

'Sugorsky? What about him?'

'Competent man. Might be a good addition.'

'I don't like him.'

'What about his son, then?'

'Oh, very well.'

'Don't you trust me, sir?'

'I do, Dobczyński! I greatly value your input.'

'As does your daughter in law.'

'I just have my concerns.'

'It'll all be for the best, sir. Now then. Hmm. Sandomierz.'

'You've got sand up your what?'

'Sandomierz, sir.'

'Nasty. But I told you not to wear your kilt to the beach.'

'It's a town...never mind. Anyway, they wish to remind you that the church shouldn't pay tax.'

'As indeed it shouldn't! The work of God's chosen ministers is beyond such mortal concerns!'

'But they've been paying Church Tax for the last two hundred years.'

'We don't need to tell them that...'

'You'd think they'd have noticed by now.'

'The sheriffs are clever people.'

'They've never found the disappearance of much of their income mysterious?'

'Life is full of mysteries, Dobczyński. Why is the sky blue? Why do birds sing? Why does my newly born grandson have red hair?'

'...more tea, Lord Protector?'






'Moving swiftly on, It looks like it's not only the Czechs who want a change of government.'

'Oh? More Lords Protector?'

'Nothing so advanced, sir...'

'Tribal Germans?'

'Your daughter-in-law can be pretty wild, sir.'





'Still, if the Brandenburgers are in difficulty, this could be an opportunity.'

'The advance further west, sir? I don't see why not. Besides, we'd be doing thema favour.'

'Indeed. Impose some order! We like order, Dobczyński. More efficient! We will efficialise them!'

'Is that a word?'

'It is now! Onwards, to glory, and victory, and to victoglory!'






'One potential issue, sir?'

'I don't like issues.'

'The Emperor isn't happy with us?'

'H's been dead for decades.'

'Not ours, sir. The Germans' one.'

'Who is French.'

'Oui. Or Provençal at any rate.'



'They wat to oppose us? Liege never bothered... are you sure about this, Dobczyński?'

'Cote d'aSure, sir.'

'very well. Send him an appropriate response.'

'There once was a king from Provence
Who was really a terrible ponce
We'll batter the Chief
Then for Comic Relief
We'll send you back home to Le France'








'Do the Provençal really think they can beat us?'

'They must have been on the sauce.'

'They haven't even mobilised their troops for an attack.'

'Oh. That's Nice of them.'

'You think this is a serious declaration of war, or a bluff to try and maintain their prestige?'

'They can't fight us, sir. They're just Avign us on.'

And so it proved. Provence's holdings were scattered from southern france to east-central Germany, a collection of isolated provinces waiting to be taken. Meissen, on the Commonwelth's western border, was the first to fall.





Tver's troops then moved southwards towards Augsburg, and prepared for advances on their Burgundian and central German provinces. Resistance was minimal, with the Emperor's 'glorious' armies, like a non-committal couple, refusing to engage.





The war with Provence was fought on the waves as well as on land. Long gone were the days of Tverian naval inferiority, and the Commonwealth's fleet sailed from the Black Sea to the south coast of France. Reaching the Cote d'Azure, they engaged one of the Emperor's flotillas returning to port. The Provençal fleet was no match for the Tverian galleons, and every ship was sent to the bottom of the Mediterranean.

'Our sailors are unstoppable, Dobczyński!'

'Don't remind me, sir.'





'What's this about Norway demanding money with menaces?'

'Heh. Cheeky buggers. Pay them no heed, sir, it's an ancient tactic of small-minded nations caught up in wars too big for them.'





'I'll let them off. A poor country like that, they'll never have any better sources of income. How are the troops holding up?'

'Morale is high, sir, after the shipment of new uniforms. Snazzy jackets in a variety of colours.'

'I thought they all had to wear the same.'

'They do. Same shade of blue-grey they've worn since the Renaissance.'

'Then what's the difference?'

'They were designed by a man called Frederick, sir. Good name for a clothes designer. It's bolstered their morale.'





As Dobczyński's armies advanced into their territories, the Holy Roman Emperor's advisorstold him that enough was enough: the war had to end before more of their territory fell to the Commonwealth. Peace was agreed: Dobczyński advised the Lord Protector not to take any territory from the Emperor.

Yet.

Instead, their alliance network was to be dismantled, and reparatina paid into the already rich treasury of the Commonwealth.

'Enough punishment for one day, Dobczyński?'

'I think so, sir. If they take arms against us again...their position will be Popeless.'





A comprehensive victory, then, for the men of Tver. The Commonwealth's borders pushed further into the Holy Roman Empire, while their triumph over the Emperor – albeit a weaker Emperor than almost any before – was a strong statement of intent to Germany's squabbling nation-states. Tver was on the march, and their pitiful leaders, their so-called Imperators, would not be able to save them...