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Were I drinking when I read this, I am certain that multiple spit takes would have ensued.

I particularly like how Alexander II goes from ridiculously bad Russian accent to no accent at all randomly :)
 
Many thanks for your thoughts :)

@ loki100: Indeed, and in a few years I suspect I'll be ankle deep in them.

@ morningSIDEr: I think I might have stolen the 'Map Tidying Casus Belli' from you, in hindsight, apologies. Promise you'll get at least 5% of the royalties from the bestselling novel version of this AAR. You won't send The Boys round, will you?

@ Omen: I know, I know, but if I'm going to get overrun I'd rather at least make them work hard for it. At least now my Force Limit is up to 17.

@ Avindian: I've been finding that it's hard to be consistent about transcribing an accent, ridiculously bad or otherwise :D It started as a way of telling Alek and his father apart in my head and snowballed a bit from there.

@ blsteen: Thank you :) It wasn't that hard, it was more a case of checking their Alliance list every month and waiting for a chance. Castille are allied with Poland as well, meaning that I can't attack Lithuania for Polotsk :( Really annoys me that Castille will help them against me, but not the Horde...
 
I never expected to see Tver taking over Novgorod in an AAR... Excellent job so far!
 
Evening all.

@ Prince of Savoy: I knew it would be tough, but I got lucky with that first war (being able to backstab them while they were fighting the vikings). The second one was like taking sweets from a baby. I quite like their massive provinces: makes the Grand Empire of Tver look much grander than it actually is.

@ gela1212: Thanks :) It's not always easy to make AAR events interesting, especially if things are becoming a bit repetitive like they are at the moment. One way or another, though, the GH status quo has to break. Hopefully meaning 'the 20% RR in all their Russian and Baltic holdings actually translates into 2+ Revolts per year like it bloody should' :confused:

And the next little section is played and screenshot, will be up either tonight or tomorrow evening (Scottish Mean Time) :)

Edit: And 'tis up. I apologise for the lack of humour in this update (even more so than usual) - I was struggling for any moments that felt really worthy of either a joke or a doodle. Not much happened, as you can probably tell. I promise doodles in the next update - my graphics tablet is feeling under-appreciated.
 
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Episode VIII: NeTver Say NeTver Again

Dobczyński walked up to the door of the king’s study and rapped on it. Seconds later, he was arrested under the 1453 Anti-Beatboxing Act.

His bail paid, he headed straight to the heated spa, where Aleksandr Rurikovich, King of Tver, was relaxing after his morning’s wrestling. The king’s combatant from the morning, a medium-sized polar bear wearing a look of immense tiredness, was swimming lazily in the pool of cold water in the next room, along with four other of its kind. Aleksandr kept twelve bears in total, the five polar bears added after the successful Tverian campaigns in the Arctic north.

‘Good morning Dobczyński!’

‘Morning, sir. I bring interesting news: the Horde have overrun Lithuania again, taking Vilnius, Smoleńsk and Polotsk.’

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‘The letter two are rightfully ours. Vell. On bright side, we do not have to fight Poland and Castille for them now.’

‘Yes, sir. It will be hard, but at least we’ll be fighting heathens, not spaniels. Unfortunately, the Peasants are revolting.’

‘I know, I can smell them from...wait a minute, is this joke or statement?’

2peasants.png


‘Ah. Very vell. Send army to deal with them. My leadership skills are not needed.’

‘Yes sir. Other bad news, the Tartars are casually walking across the lawns again without Military Access or anything vaguely similar.’

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‘One day, Dobczyński, they will pay in blood for every daffodil.’

‘They certainly will, sir. Perhaps sooner than you think, in fact.’

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Again?’

‘It’s that happy time again, sir.’

‘Very vell. To action!’ In one motion, the king leapt out of the bath, spraying heated water all around, and ran towards the armoury to collect his battledress. His hat, thigh-high riding boots and sword all collected, he met with Dobczyński to discuss strategy.

‘It won’t be easy, sir. I know that we want to strike back at them – and they’re fighting Denmark at the same time. But...even now, we only have fourteen thousand men. And they have...’

4eeek.png


‘And in spite of our recent successes...well, you can see for yourself.’

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‘They’re taking tribute from the Archbishopric of Riga. Sir, if we were to lose, we couldn’t afford to pay this kind of tribute.’

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‘Very true, Dobczyński...sadly, I think that we must try to end this as soon as necessary.’

‘How, sir?’

‘Attack!’

7attack.png


The Tverian army crossed swiftly into the Golden Horde’s territories. The legions of the Tartars assembled before the armies of Tver. Aleksandr dismounted, walked proudly towards the Khan of the Horde, and challenged him to a duel.

The Tartar turned to his chief lieutenant, and they discussed the proposal. Not wishing to appear weak in front of their men, they accepted, and sent a rider to the Duke of Georgia, a neutral – Orthodox Christian but a vassal of the Tartars. The Georgian would choose the style of duel.

The rider returned from Georgia, and unfurled the scroll, signed by the Duke of Georgia himself.

‘The winner of the duel shall be the leader who has the most colourful trousers.’

Aleksandr looked down.

‘Curses.’

8concede.png


Aleksandr was disconsolate as he retreated along with his army. Dobczyński, though, pointed out that a concession of defeat was better than seeing their cities overrun by the Tartars once more. As if to prove their point, news came of the brutal crushing of yet another revolt. The Horde seemed unstoppable.

9rebelshammered.png


The populace heard of the bizarre manner of the king’s defeat, and over the following weeks a number of rebellions sprang up in the regions formerly controlled by Novgorod. Most successful were a group of Russian Patriots who, despite living in a Russian state, decided that Tver was not Russian enough, and decided to take part of Russia from part of Russia in the name of Russia.

12patriots.png


The Tverian army, however, soon restored order with the assistance of a shipment of large hammers from Bigvukov Mallets Inc, official suppliers of blunt instruments to the Kingdom of Tver.

10kickrebs.png


Better news, however, was to greet the king upon his return though: his Queen was pregnant. She gave birth to a son, Aleksandr who, like his father, showed early signs of tremendous ability. Prince Dmitriy was appointed Duke of Archangelsk, and given a nice coat as a consolation prize.

11newaleks.png


Aleksandr celebrated his good fortune in his usual generous manner, personally giving directions to a group of confused-looking sword-wielding gentlemen who were attempting to liberate the Principality of Yaroslavl, but had got lost and begun to lay siege to Tver. They misunderstood his directions, and required to be redirected from Rzhev. To this day, the University of Yaroslavl does not have a geography department.

14geoglesson.png


Returning from Rzhev, Aleksandr walked over to Dobczyński.

‘What hev I missed?’

‘Not a lot, sir. Although, I’ve been thinking.’

‘What about, my friend.’

‘Oh, nothing important. Just idle things. Like what would happen were one to drink a cocktail of Burgundian wine,crushed toxic mushrooms and vodka.’

‘Nothing good, I would imagine.’

‘Indeed not, sir. Just an idle thought, as I said.’

Unfortunately, a servant, overhearing their conversation, thought that this was a great idea. He told his wife about the king’s conversation. Before long, Burgundian-style mushrooms in vodka was the talk of the country.

13dangerousminds.png


To the west, the Horde continues to plough into Catholic Europe, the Lithuanians crumbling further and further with each fresh war, their Polish allies unable to stem the tide. Even the combined might of Scandinavia had failed to manage victory against the Tartars, the King of Denmark having been forced to concede defeat. These were dangerous times for Christian Europe and, unless an effective alliance could be forged against the raving heathens from the east, Tver would stand alone against the coming tide.
 
Not too bad considering previous dealings with the Horde. Such a pity that the style of duel was to do with trousers though when Aleksandr has so many other assets. Just have to hope the next petition for re-dress is more successful! Now I'm off to find myself some Burgundian-style mushrooms in vodka...
 
Thanks to all for putting up with my nonsense :)

@ loki100: I thinkt he tailoring industry was already damaged by the fact that Aleks only ever wears a cloak - and sometimes a hat. And occasionally boots. It did mean that he automatically lost the contest, though. A lesson to use all in the risks of public nudity.

@ Septimus I & no7892142 : Thanks guys, glad your enjoying it :) And yes, they are utter bastards. I'll be consulting my lovely (long-suffering) readership on a few matters concerning them after the next update...

@ morningSIDEr : Indeed, rarely has a man had more assets. But then, had the Horde lost, they may have attacked anyway. Better to live and fight another day, I think. And do tell me how the beverage is, I've grown a bit tired of Buckie and could do with a change.

@ blsteen : It's like having a day off work. Amazing how quiet and relaxing the game feels when I go back to playing in Western Europe. At least the French bloody want something...

@ Ramidel : They are indeed. I'm trying to think if there were any decent late-medieval Christian terrorist groups...the revolt risk in this Russian provinces? 0% now, most of them. And half of them have converted to Islam! I didn't see the bloody Missionaries!

@ Jstebby : Cheers mate :) And don't think that I haven't been tempted to go back and change things. Many teeth have been gritted (hard since, as you know, all Scots have rubbish teeth), and occasional shouting at the PC.

@ Both; I don't know about Russia. If I get the bloody chance I'll probably do it, but I can't see it happening any time soon.

And without further ado...
 
Episode IX: Tver Ever And Tver Ever Farewell, Cassius

The 1460s were a dark time in Eastern Europe. The Golden Horde rampaged through the Christian kingdoms, limitless in number and boundless in savagery. One kingdom alone stood firm against the tide of the heathen: the Kingdom of Tver, and their mighty leader, King Aleksandr II Rurikovich.

Even this mighty warrior, though, was subdued. He was already acknowledged as the greatest king in Tver’s history, having presided over years of expansion and enhanced wealth. His reign, however, had coincided with the rise of the implacable Tartars. The undisputed Prince of Russia, the other kingdoms either overrun or enslaved by the Horde, he knew that, were nothing to change, it would only be a matter of time before the last free Principality was ground to dust beneath the Tartars’ boots.

The king sat at his desk wearing, as was his custom, a maroon cape draped around his shoulders. Further clothing, he believed, was for girly westerners. And western girls. And while his aversion to clothing had forced him to accept defeat at the hands of the Horde’s Khan, his nudity had effectively saved the kingdom by allowing the Tartars to have their superficial victory, saving thousands of Tverian lives and the ruination of the Principality’s cities and economy.

He turned to his chief advisor.

‘Dobczyński?’

The Polish soldier gave him a grave look.

‘Sir?’

‘Tell me, old friend. Ees et thet time agen?’

‘Yes, sir. I’m afraid it is.’

1horderaveg.png


‘The Horde rampage through Lithuania, sir – and I mean Lithuania itself, not their Belarussian or Ukrainian territories. At the current rate, they’ll be in Vienna within twenty years.’

‘Their numbers?’

‘They’ve done it, sir. They now have over a hundred thousand men under arms, to our fourteen.’

Aleksandr Rurikovich shook his head gravely. ‘End they will etteck egen within weeks.’

‘Yes, sir. We can raise more regiments, sir, but it won’t be enough.’

The king nodded. ‘I feared thet thees would heppen. Well. No dream cen lest forever.’

‘No, sir. But perhaps they will go away quickly, sir. The last time they gave up within days.’

‘I do not theenk so, Dobczyński. They are hungry for bettle, for death. Why, I do not know, but they long for it. Well. We must geeve it to them.’

‘I will ready the army, sir.’

The Tverian army assembled on the western border: the Hordes would approach from this direction, through Polotsk and Smoleńsk – both territories that Aleksandr had hoped to acquire should the Horde collapse. But collapse, it had not.

The armies were split into two halves, in the hope that the Horde would be focused on the Poles and Lithuanians, allowing the Tverian army to quickly occupy some territory and force a peace – even to take the city of Smoleńsk.

The risk, however, was not to pay off. Seeing their Lithuanian opponents on the run, the Tartars turned their attention to the last free kingdom of Russia. Legions of horsemen swarmed towards the border. In Vyazma, Dobczyński’s troops were swiftly engaged by a huge force of enemy cavalry backed up by thousands of foot.

2battleprobs.png


The king’ his army based in Rzhev, moved south to assist his friend. The flanking manoeuvre, and the sight of the feared Aleksandr himself in all his glory (and we mean, all of it) forced the Tartars to give ground. However, fresh troops poured in to the breach, and with all of Tver’s soldiers concentrated in one place, the wily Khan saw an opportunity to smash the Principality’s resistance with one swift stroke.

3moreprobs.png


Surrounded, Aleksandr had little choice but to order Dobczyński to retreat. The multi-pronged enemy attack, though, scattered their forces, allowing the Tartars to attack their retreating troops piecemeal.

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Aleksandr retreated to Tver itself. Dobczyński joined him as they marshalled what few soldiers they had left at the gates of the capital. Their attempts to mount a resistance had proved useless, and now the Tartars closed in on Tver.

5moreloss.png


‘What now, sir?’

‘Take Ekaterina and my son, Dobczyński. Ride north, around the Horde’s territories. Take them to Kraków. Return when this war is over.’

‘When will you come, sir?’

Aleksandr’s look told Dobczyński all that the Polish bodyguard needed to know.

‘It is I that they seek, Dobczyński. This war, this attack. I have resisted them for so long, this is personal. They wish me dead.’

‘Then come with us, sir!’

‘No, Dobczyński, do you not see! This is only way I can save my city, my country, my people. The Khan seeks my death. If I die, then they will retreat, leave us alone for five years, enough time to rebuild, to plan. We cannot triumph through force of erms!’

6woe.png


The king handed a scroll to Dobczyński. Being clad, as usual, in a long maroon cape and a hat with a tall cockfeather (which, all knew, compensated for nothing and, in fact, paled in comparison to that which it might be compared in all categories except that of colour), and nothing else, Dobczyński hoped that the scroll had been stored beneath the hat.

‘Open this when you reach Kraków. It is the address, and details of the one man that can save this country. Look efter my son, and Ekaterina. They will not understand. Aleksandr will want to fight, but he cannot. He must live. And I must go.’

There was a pause. Then Dobczyński nodded, and took the scroll from his old friend.

‘I obey out of love, Aleks. Not duty.’

‘I know, Bron. Were there enether way, I would take it. My enemies have forced me to the precipice – but there is no need for you to join me there. But I would ask one more thing.’

‘Anything.’

‘Give me your sword. You have another and...I will have need of it, I think.’

Smiling, Dobczyński drew his sword, and handed it to his sovereign, the way he had on the day he had sworn his allegiance.

‘I will see you again, Aleks. One way or another.’

‘Thet you will. When we meet agen, Bronisław, why. We shall smile. But unteel then, these parting was well-made.’

The two men embraced. A brief kiss, a last brief nod. Then Dobczyński ran into the city, heading for the palace, to take the Prince and Queen to safety. An hour later, they left, riding north-west to avoid the Tartar armies. Aleksandr Rurikovich was long gone.

The histories of the enxt few months are full of speculation and myth. What is known is that Aleksandr led the Golden Horde into Tver’s northern territories at the head of a small army of volunteers, taking them away from the Tverian heartland.

7futile.png


He fought a war of retreat and harassment, goading the legions of Tartars further into the inhospitable northern wastes, giving them no time to lay siege to his territories.

8stand.png


Seeing the chaos that engulfed Tver, the Knyaz of Novgorod saw an opportunity to retake his nation’s lands. However, the infuriated Archbishop of Riga railed against the Knyaz’s treachery, and sent his armies to attack the opportunistic Novgorodians.

9backstab.png


The Horde tightened their grip on Tver’s southern territories, but the Queen, Prince and King were able to reach the safety of Poland, and the protection of her king.

10sieges.png


As for the king himself, none know for certain. He was last seen entering the fortifications of Archangelsk, having dismissed the last of his ragged band of volunteers, ten thousand Tartars closing in on the city. Some say that he simply disappeared, and that the Tartars never found him. Some say that he cut down a regiment of the heathens single-handedly, crushed the enemy general’s head between his thighs, and then ascended to the heavens in a glorious shaft of light. None will ever know for certain. All that is known is that Aleksandr II Rurikovich, King of Tver, Grand Prince of Russia, had ascended into the realm of legend, forever.

martyr.png


Whatever happened to the Prince of Tver, the Tartars retreated once more, to further ravage the eastern borders of Christendom.

12pax.png


Receiving the news, Dobczyński walked into the presence chamber in Kraków that had been gifted by King August Jagiellon for the use of young Prince Alexander and Queen Ekaterina. The young, dark-haired man looked at his father’s retainer. Dobczyński nodded sadly. Then, he knelt on one knee before Aleksandr.

‘God Save the King. Long live Aleksandr the Third.’

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13alekiiiport.png
 
I say the crushing between thighs and ray of light story is the most likely. What else could cause them to retreat?

Aleksandr the Third is much more . . . studious than previous kings. I can't wait to see what happens next.