Episode LII: Bohemian RhapsTverdy
November 1623
Trakai, Duchy of Prussia
'Dobczyński?'
Mirin Janusz Dobczyńnski looked up from his writing table.
'Sir?'
'What are you doing?'
'Writing a children's book.'
'...what?'
'Hmm. Thought I'd go into writing books for children. It's called Zubr i Bobr. It's about the adventures of a beaver and a bison.'
'You think there's a market for this kind of thing?'
'I'll make a mint. Should be ready for release in six languages within a month or two.'
'Impressive.'
'I am. Anyway, what did you want?'
'To check the next stage of my plan.'
'Your plan?'
'My plan, which you're going to make for me.'
'Ah. Well, we're finished here, the Prussians can look after things. Time to launch a counter-offensive.'
'An offensive? The Bohemians are in Tver!'
'The best form of defence is attack, sir. The thug is not a threat when he's wearing his balls as earrings.'
'...mixed metaphor?'
'Better if you think that, sir. What I mean is, the Bohemians are ploughing through Ukraine.'
'Which is bad.'
'Agreed. But they're not threatening Tver herself.'
'I am a shepherd, Dobczyńnski, and I value all my sheep!'
'What I'm saying, sir, is that the loss of one's capital could prove a crippling blow to one's soldiers' morale.'
'And?'
'The Bohemians are in south-western Tver.'
'Meaning?'
'That they are not in...'
'...salad?'
'Bohemia.'
'So what?'
'It means, sir, that from Prussia we can move into Bohemian Poland...'
'And drink high-alcohol green liquid?'
'...if you like. But after taking control of Poland we can march on Bohemia itself, and capture Prague.'
'It's bold, Dobczyński.'
'I am, sir.'
'Right. Then put this masterful plan of mine into action!'
'By the way, sir you said that you needed a new barber.'
'I did?'
'Yes, you did.'
'Right. When did I say that?'
'Yesterday. And I've found a candidate. Half-Norwegian, half-Hungarian, ex-Hungarian army.'
'Don't the Hungarians dislike us?'
'No, not at all! We only defeated them twice and took half their territory. They don't hold a grudge!'
'I see. His name?'
'Mr Trøt Zslazsor.'
'You think he's a good barber?'
'Oh, absolutely. Guarantees a clean cut. A close shave. Knows how to use a razor.'
'Well...maybe later, Dobczyński. I just had my hair done. Too much of a good thing.'
'Whatever you say, sir. Until then, the war with Bohemia will continue. Mikulski!'
'Captain?'
'We don't have time to waste. We need to overrun Bohemian Poland as fast as possible. We have cannon and manpower. Storm the fortresses. Every minute we waste is time for the Bohemians to work out what we're up to.'
'Tak jest. Do Warszawy, pan Kapitan?'
'Oczywiście, pan Mikulski.. Dobczyński grinned. Do Warszawy.'
The Tverian force marched into Mazovia, making straight for Warsaw. The city, once capital of the Duchy of Mazovia, and once a glorified village that some idiot thought would make a better capital than Krakow, fell rapidly before the Empire's assembled might. The administartive centre of Bohemian Poland taken, the Empire's forces made rapid moves on Podlasie and Lublin, taking control of the provinces while laying further sieges further to the west.
King Friedrich and his forces busy laying siege to the south-east of the Tverian Empire, Dobczyński's forces were able to advance unmolested into the Czech lands, laying siege to Prague itself. Without any hope of relief, and under the brunt of a furious Tverian assault, the capital of Bohemia yielded to overwhelming Imperial firepower.
A kingdom, like a shark, can smell blood in the water from a mile away. And the Margrave of Brandenburg, his eye on rich Bohemian prizes, took the fall of Prague into Tverian hands as the signal to launch a devastating offensive into the disputed border lands of Niederlausitz and Oberlausitz. Legions of Brandenburgian soldiers marched boldly into the Czech lands, rapidly occupying the major population centres.
Their eastern territories under Imperial control, those to the north of Prague occupied by the Margravate of Brandenburg, Bohemia was in dire straights. King Fridrich's opportunistic attack on Tver was part of the walk of life, but with the Czechs distracted, the decision to attack had been all too easy for the Margrave - taking Bohemia's waiting provinces would be money for nothing.
Bohemia's armies were still in the field, though - and Dobczyński would have to prove that, sword in hand, he was the sultan of swing.
The first Bohemian counter-counter-offsensive was launched against Lublin. Bohemia's reserve force was ordered to re-take the city, and to destroy General Sheleshpansky's Tverian army occupying the city and surrounding province.
Sheleshpansky, though, was prepared. He held the line against the Bohemian advance until a larger force arrived to relieve him. The leaderless Bohemians retreated in disarray.
The momentum was with Tver, even without the Brandenburgian assault opening up another front to the north-west. King Fridrich's allies were an annoyance, eager to please the powerful king but unable to do more than lay the occasional siege in Tver's north-west, before being rapidly repulsed by troops from Murom and Nizhny Novgorod. Only one strong ally remained for him: Lithuania, whose troops had taken control of several of Tver's provinces containing large numbers of ethnic Lithuanians.
The Bohemian reserve force was outmanoeuvred by Sheleshpansky's troops, who ran down their retreat a few miles outside Grodno. Leaderless and directionless, the Czech surrendered without a shot fired.
The immediate Bohemian threat removed, Sheleshpansky marched on Vilnius, looking to take the Lithuanians out of the war.
The siege was short, and the capital of Lithuania was soon in Tverian hands. The Grand Duke rapidly agreed to a peace treaty udner which he renounced all claims to Tverian territory, and paid reparations for the amount of damage done by Lithuanian boots to Tverian cabbage crops.
Desperate, King Fridrich led his personal guard into Bohemian Poland, seeking to face the Tverian army in direct combat. He attacked Sheleshpansky's army outside Sandomierz in an attempt to sever one of the large Tverian armies. Sheleshpansky was stubborn, though, anad his men held the line until fresh troops, led by Dobczyński, relieve them - and who wouldn't look forward to being relieved by a Dobczyński?
Seeing the cause lost, King Fridrich fled from the field, leaving General Boleslav in charge of the Bohemian rearguard. A competent general witha masterfully colourful cockfeathered hat, Boleslav had little choice but to order a full retreat before the onslaught of the Tverian reinforcements.
The Czar smiled a luxurious smile at the news.
'Ah, the Prenzlau retreats, tail between his legs. Soon it will be time to make him pay.'
Dobczyński nodded. 'Aye, sir. Though we should be careful. We don't want to get too bad a reputation.'
'What do you mean?'
'Our successes at the expense of westren countries are getting a bit...infamous. We've just seen off one western coalition on a feeble pretext. If we get too much of a reputation...'
'I see. Bad reputations are...bad?'
'Aye, sir.'
'And reputational.'
'You astound, sir.'
'So we shoudln't take any territory from them?'
'What? Oh, definitely we should! We won't get many better chances for western expansion - this way we can call it a defensive move, creating a buffer zone between us and Czech aggression!'
'I see. I note that many of the possible targets are in Poland...'
'We already own Kraków. Why not to expand our holdings? The Poles will be better off under your most benevolent leadership than that of Bohemia.'
'Well...yes! Of course! Very well. What should we do?'
'Hire a good diplomat.'
'Is that a dinosaur you can stand on?'
'We'll get a bad reputation anyway - this is no time for half-measures. We should take a good three provinces from Bohemia.'
'Won't we be called Dishonourable Scum?'
'You will, sir. I'll be fine.'
'How does that help me?'
'It's just a name, sir. Sticks and stone may break your bones, but with all that padding you'll probably be fine.'
'But...I don't want...'
'Besides, with a good diplomat, people will forget about it within a few years. Short-term name-calling for long-term gain.'
'All right. Find me a diplomat.'
Chief Ambassador Beloselsky got to work convincing the courts of Europe that the Czar had nothing but peaceful intentions towards the west. His task would be made harder very soon - the Kingdom of Bohemia, stretching from Brunswick to Lithuania, was almost totally under Tverian or Brandenburgian control.
Dobczyński took charge of negotiation. He travelled to Prague, and negotiated a punishing peace with King Fridrich's diplomats. Tver would take a huge part of Bohemian Poland as recompence for the Czechs' treacherous assault. Mazovia and Warsaw would enter the Tverian Empire, along with Podlasie and Sandomierz. Bohemia would also end their vassalisation of the Archbishop of Riga.
The deal was accepted, and Tverian soldiers retreated from war-torn Bohemian territory to take up stations in the Empire's new Polish provinces.
The cluster of provinces linked the Empire of Tver to the Duchy of Prussia, encircling Bohemia's remaining Polish provinces in an attempt to inspire revolt against their Czech masters. Lithuania was also completely surrounded by Imperial territory.
Not the tidiest of changes for the Guild of Cartographers to deal with, but they were content enough - the Empire's name would remain strong and proudly angled across the mappa mundi.
The Empire of Tver had passed her greatest test since the end of the ravages of the Golden Horde. Still far from invincible, her territories stretched from east-central Europe to the Steppes, from the White Sea to the Black. The first of the west's great Empires had been beaten, and in a defensive war. Once the heroic defenders of Christendom from the Tartar heathen, the bear had flexed his claws, and their reach had pierced far into complacent central Europe. As the poet Filip Dachs would later write,
'This Empire's might will not be bound
Europa trembles to the sound
Of ruthless Russian musketeers
Marching boldly 'cross frontiers...'
November 1623
Trakai, Duchy of Prussia
'Dobczyński?'
Mirin Janusz Dobczyńnski looked up from his writing table.
'Sir?'
'What are you doing?'
'Writing a children's book.'
'...what?'
'Hmm. Thought I'd go into writing books for children. It's called Zubr i Bobr. It's about the adventures of a beaver and a bison.'
'You think there's a market for this kind of thing?'
'I'll make a mint. Should be ready for release in six languages within a month or two.'
'Impressive.'
'I am. Anyway, what did you want?'
'To check the next stage of my plan.'
'Your plan?'
'My plan, which you're going to make for me.'
'Ah. Well, we're finished here, the Prussians can look after things. Time to launch a counter-offensive.'
'An offensive? The Bohemians are in Tver!'
'The best form of defence is attack, sir. The thug is not a threat when he's wearing his balls as earrings.'
'...mixed metaphor?'
'Better if you think that, sir. What I mean is, the Bohemians are ploughing through Ukraine.'
'Which is bad.'
'Agreed. But they're not threatening Tver herself.'
'I am a shepherd, Dobczyńnski, and I value all my sheep!'
'What I'm saying, sir, is that the loss of one's capital could prove a crippling blow to one's soldiers' morale.'
'And?'
'The Bohemians are in south-western Tver.'
'Meaning?'
'That they are not in...'
'...salad?'
'Bohemia.'
'So what?'
'It means, sir, that from Prussia we can move into Bohemian Poland...'
'And drink high-alcohol green liquid?'
'...if you like. But after taking control of Poland we can march on Bohemia itself, and capture Prague.'
'It's bold, Dobczyński.'
'I am, sir.'
'Right. Then put this masterful plan of mine into action!'
'By the way, sir you said that you needed a new barber.'
'I did?'
'Yes, you did.'
'Right. When did I say that?'
'Yesterday. And I've found a candidate. Half-Norwegian, half-Hungarian, ex-Hungarian army.'
'Don't the Hungarians dislike us?'
'No, not at all! We only defeated them twice and took half their territory. They don't hold a grudge!'
'I see. His name?'
'Mr Trøt Zslazsor.'
'You think he's a good barber?'
'Oh, absolutely. Guarantees a clean cut. A close shave. Knows how to use a razor.'
'Well...maybe later, Dobczyński. I just had my hair done. Too much of a good thing.'
'Whatever you say, sir. Until then, the war with Bohemia will continue. Mikulski!'
'Captain?'
'We don't have time to waste. We need to overrun Bohemian Poland as fast as possible. We have cannon and manpower. Storm the fortresses. Every minute we waste is time for the Bohemians to work out what we're up to.'
'Tak jest. Do Warszawy, pan Kapitan?'
'Oczywiście, pan Mikulski.. Dobczyński grinned. Do Warszawy.'
The Tverian force marched into Mazovia, making straight for Warsaw. The city, once capital of the Duchy of Mazovia, and once a glorified village that some idiot thought would make a better capital than Krakow, fell rapidly before the Empire's assembled might. The administartive centre of Bohemian Poland taken, the Empire's forces made rapid moves on Podlasie and Lublin, taking control of the provinces while laying further sieges further to the west.
King Friedrich and his forces busy laying siege to the south-east of the Tverian Empire, Dobczyński's forces were able to advance unmolested into the Czech lands, laying siege to Prague itself. Without any hope of relief, and under the brunt of a furious Tverian assault, the capital of Bohemia yielded to overwhelming Imperial firepower.
A kingdom, like a shark, can smell blood in the water from a mile away. And the Margrave of Brandenburg, his eye on rich Bohemian prizes, took the fall of Prague into Tverian hands as the signal to launch a devastating offensive into the disputed border lands of Niederlausitz and Oberlausitz. Legions of Brandenburgian soldiers marched boldly into the Czech lands, rapidly occupying the major population centres.
Their eastern territories under Imperial control, those to the north of Prague occupied by the Margravate of Brandenburg, Bohemia was in dire straights. King Fridrich's opportunistic attack on Tver was part of the walk of life, but with the Czechs distracted, the decision to attack had been all too easy for the Margrave - taking Bohemia's waiting provinces would be money for nothing.
Bohemia's armies were still in the field, though - and Dobczyński would have to prove that, sword in hand, he was the sultan of swing.
The first Bohemian counter-counter-offsensive was launched against Lublin. Bohemia's reserve force was ordered to re-take the city, and to destroy General Sheleshpansky's Tverian army occupying the city and surrounding province.
Sheleshpansky, though, was prepared. He held the line against the Bohemian advance until a larger force arrived to relieve him. The leaderless Bohemians retreated in disarray.
The momentum was with Tver, even without the Brandenburgian assault opening up another front to the north-west. King Fridrich's allies were an annoyance, eager to please the powerful king but unable to do more than lay the occasional siege in Tver's north-west, before being rapidly repulsed by troops from Murom and Nizhny Novgorod. Only one strong ally remained for him: Lithuania, whose troops had taken control of several of Tver's provinces containing large numbers of ethnic Lithuanians.
The Bohemian reserve force was outmanoeuvred by Sheleshpansky's troops, who ran down their retreat a few miles outside Grodno. Leaderless and directionless, the Czech surrendered without a shot fired.
The immediate Bohemian threat removed, Sheleshpansky marched on Vilnius, looking to take the Lithuanians out of the war.
The siege was short, and the capital of Lithuania was soon in Tverian hands. The Grand Duke rapidly agreed to a peace treaty udner which he renounced all claims to Tverian territory, and paid reparations for the amount of damage done by Lithuanian boots to Tverian cabbage crops.
Desperate, King Fridrich led his personal guard into Bohemian Poland, seeking to face the Tverian army in direct combat. He attacked Sheleshpansky's army outside Sandomierz in an attempt to sever one of the large Tverian armies. Sheleshpansky was stubborn, though, anad his men held the line until fresh troops, led by Dobczyński, relieve them - and who wouldn't look forward to being relieved by a Dobczyński?
Seeing the cause lost, King Fridrich fled from the field, leaving General Boleslav in charge of the Bohemian rearguard. A competent general witha masterfully colourful cockfeathered hat, Boleslav had little choice but to order a full retreat before the onslaught of the Tverian reinforcements.
The Czar smiled a luxurious smile at the news.
'Ah, the Prenzlau retreats, tail between his legs. Soon it will be time to make him pay.'
Dobczyński nodded. 'Aye, sir. Though we should be careful. We don't want to get too bad a reputation.'
'What do you mean?'
'Our successes at the expense of westren countries are getting a bit...infamous. We've just seen off one western coalition on a feeble pretext. If we get too much of a reputation...'
'I see. Bad reputations are...bad?'
'Aye, sir.'
'And reputational.'
'You astound, sir.'
'So we shoudln't take any territory from them?'
'What? Oh, definitely we should! We won't get many better chances for western expansion - this way we can call it a defensive move, creating a buffer zone between us and Czech aggression!'
'I see. I note that many of the possible targets are in Poland...'
'We already own Kraków. Why not to expand our holdings? The Poles will be better off under your most benevolent leadership than that of Bohemia.'
'Well...yes! Of course! Very well. What should we do?'
'Hire a good diplomat.'
'Is that a dinosaur you can stand on?'
'We'll get a bad reputation anyway - this is no time for half-measures. We should take a good three provinces from Bohemia.'
'Won't we be called Dishonourable Scum?'
'You will, sir. I'll be fine.'
'How does that help me?'
'It's just a name, sir. Sticks and stone may break your bones, but with all that padding you'll probably be fine.'
'But...I don't want...'
'Besides, with a good diplomat, people will forget about it within a few years. Short-term name-calling for long-term gain.'
'All right. Find me a diplomat.'
Chief Ambassador Beloselsky got to work convincing the courts of Europe that the Czar had nothing but peaceful intentions towards the west. His task would be made harder very soon - the Kingdom of Bohemia, stretching from Brunswick to Lithuania, was almost totally under Tverian or Brandenburgian control.
Dobczyński took charge of negotiation. He travelled to Prague, and negotiated a punishing peace with King Fridrich's diplomats. Tver would take a huge part of Bohemian Poland as recompence for the Czechs' treacherous assault. Mazovia and Warsaw would enter the Tverian Empire, along with Podlasie and Sandomierz. Bohemia would also end their vassalisation of the Archbishop of Riga.
The deal was accepted, and Tverian soldiers retreated from war-torn Bohemian territory to take up stations in the Empire's new Polish provinces.
The cluster of provinces linked the Empire of Tver to the Duchy of Prussia, encircling Bohemia's remaining Polish provinces in an attempt to inspire revolt against their Czech masters. Lithuania was also completely surrounded by Imperial territory.
Not the tidiest of changes for the Guild of Cartographers to deal with, but they were content enough - the Empire's name would remain strong and proudly angled across the mappa mundi.
The Empire of Tver had passed her greatest test since the end of the ravages of the Golden Horde. Still far from invincible, her territories stretched from east-central Europe to the Steppes, from the White Sea to the Black. The first of the west's great Empires had been beaten, and in a defensive war. Once the heroic defenders of Christendom from the Tartar heathen, the bear had flexed his claws, and their reach had pierced far into complacent central Europe. As the poet Filip Dachs would later write,
'This Empire's might will not be bound
Europa trembles to the sound
Of ruthless Russian musketeers
Marching boldly 'cross frontiers...'
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