Episode L: Gold, Frankincense and Tver
The policy of a ‘Window on the West’ first appeared in the policy of the short-lived Prince-Bishop Konstantin III of Tver, wherein he demanded that part of the western part of the palace be demolished to make way for a ludicrously huge stained-glass window. The idea had resurfaced on a regular basis in the Parliaments of successive monarchs – and now, Czar Konstantin IV had decided to take a more metaphorical course of action. Estonia and Livonia were controlled by the Kingdom of Denmark, and the Czar saw a chance to make a name for himself by taking by establishing a Tverian presence on the Baltic Sea, allowing easier trade and naval access to western Europe..
Down in the palace armoury sat a man who did not approve of the Czar’s policy. But there was little he could do. War was declared, and he knew that he must simply make the best of it. The armies of Tver were ready to move westwards that day – and this man was always ready. A veteran of conflicts from glorious battles on European plains to philosophical disagreements in the entirely reputable beverage-selling establishments of Paisley, Mirin Janusz Dobczyński knew as well as any soldier the importance of regular, thorough maintenance of one’s weapon. His hefty guns were well-oiled and shining, his sword freshly polished.
‘You spend a lot of time looking after your weapon, Dobczyński.’
Dobczyński looked up as the Czar entered.
‘You can never spend too much time on your weapon, sir.’
‘So I gather.’ The Czar reached to his straining belt, and unsheathed his pistol. The weapon was ornate, of a pleasing shape, but somewhat lacking in size (and, Dobczyński suspected, reliability). ‘Any tips?’
‘If you wish, sir. A common mistake...’ Donczyński elevated his huge musket to facilitate closer inspection is to focus too much on the barrel. It’s tempting, I know – I used to make the same mistake. Working the barrel gives immediate, quick, pleasing results. But don’t restrict yourself to the shaft!’
‘What else should one work on?’
‘The whole package. All parts of the musket will benefit from a good seeing-to. Especially the balls.’
‘Why would you work on your balls?’
‘You don’t maintain your balls before an action?’
‘Never thought of it.’
‘
Kurka! You’re missing out, son. Work on the balls as well as the musket. You need control of this weapon. To be efficient! Any idiot can fire off their shot quickly, but what good’s that on its own? Useless. Check out your balls, get a good feel for them, and I guarantee improved performance.’
‘Interesting. I’ll bear that in mind.’
‘You’d better, sir. We move at dawn, and you’re leading the 7th Army into Danish territory.’
‘I am?’
‘You are. You wanted this
glorious war, so you’re going to be right at the front, inspiring the troops with heroic deeds.’
‘I’d rather not be
that near the front...’
‘Come now, sir! Chin up! What’s the motto of the Order of the Bear, our glorious knightly order? The stirring words of optimism first uttered in our distant past to inspire the Princes of Tver to greatness?’
‘Isn’t there plenty that can go wrong?’
‘That’s not the p...you’re a lost cause, aren’t you?’
The die having been firmly cast onto the specially reinforced table, Dobczyński had decided it best to fully commit to the enterprise. A multi-forked attack was employed into the Baltic territories (as well as on the Czar’s dinner plate), allowing Tverian forces to besiege multiple provinces, but also to quickly reassemble in case the Danish army decided to engage – or, worse, those of Liege and her British allies.
Fortune, though, was smiling on the Czar’s enterprise: the feared regiments of Liege would not be joining the Danes on the field of battle, dishonouring their alliance. Already at war with the witless Austrians, the Liegian troops did not want to face another powerful opponent – they were already restraining themselves from smashing Austria into the ground using only their fists, and knew that were they to go to war with Tver, they would be tipped over The Edge and unleash their hellish fury upon the empires of Europe, laying the entire continent to waste.
Once more the Czar was at the forefront of the fighting, sweeping majestically through the broken walls of the enemy fortresses (widening the breach in the process). With no significant Danish forces present in the Baltic theatre, Tverian soldiers were able to rapidly take control of Estonia and Livonia.
The great Nikolai Kholmsky, Professor of Philosophy at the Imperial University of Tver, wrote a book, informing people that life was ‘just generally pretty damn awesome’. This information spread great joy and happiness throughout the Empire.
With the Baltic coast under Tverian control, Czar Konstantin looked to advance troops further into Scandinavia.
The Danish navy, however, was having none of it. The moved into the Sea of Aland, preventing Tverian troops from making the crossing, forcing them to reroute all their men, horse and artillery around the Gulf of Bothnia by foot.
Dobczyński was concerned.
‘Sir, we don’t need that many soldiers.’
‘But it’ll be quicker this way! Lots of soldiers, rush the fortresses. It’s most exhilarating! And my doctor says that I need the exercise.’
‘Much as I would love you to throw yourself into more assaults, sir, we should be cautious. First we need to deal with the Danish army. They’ve moved into Prussia to try and take them out of the war.’
‘Very well, very well. I will deal with them myself!’
‘Ready to move, sir!’
‘Not you, Dobczyński! I can deal with this myself – you lead the push through Sweden!’
‘What?’
‘You think that I can’t defeat them? I have other generals, Dobczyński. I’m getting tired of your insubordination. I want a push through Scandinavia, and I will have it! Who is the Czar?’
‘...’
‘Well, then! Get moving! Northwards, with you! I will handle things in Prussia!’
‘I briňg iňtérésting tidiňgs, my Lórd.’
‘Iňtérésting, yóu sáy...’
The Czar’s assessment of the situation in Prussia proved accurate. The Danes fought hard, but the superior numbers of the Tverian force and their Prussian allies were more than sufficient to rout them from the field. History would credit the Czar’s brilliant generalship, rather than that of his vassal, the Grand Duke of Prussia, because the Czar was the Czar and the Grand Duke wasn’t.
Áňď hé hás beeň ďispátchéd to Scándinaviá?’
‘Yés, my Lórd.’
‘Leáving thé idiót wéakling in full cóntról óf the Tverian ármies?’
‘Yés, my lórd.’
A wicked smile.
‘Thén it seems, my frieńd, thát thé hour hás come...’
Their army defeated, the Danes realised that they could not win this war. The King of Denmark asked the Czar for peace, offering provinces and reparations. Konstantin smiled.
‘Ha! They are broken. A little more pressure and we can take all of their Baltic provinces!’
‘Commit all our remaining soldiers to dealing with Denmark’s allies! A westward push!’
Colonel Sheleshpansky, Dobczyński’s second-in-command, looked concerned.
‘Sir, we have few enough troops guarding our western territories.’
‘The Danes have no soldiers left, fool!’
‘Dobczyński has twice as many men as he needs to attack Denmark’s heartland, and their allies are no threat to us. We will leave ourselves vulnerable!’
‘Nonsense! You share your tutor’s paranoia – are you a Russian or a Polono-Scot mongrel?’
‘I am a Tverian sir!’
‘Then prove it! Move against the Palatinate! Another vassal for our realm! Go!’
Sheleshpansky left so quickly that the court artist was unable to record his army’s departure.
The Czar walked to the window and looked out upon the palace gardens.
‘My territory expands further. My empire stretches from Siberia to Poland – and soon to the Baltic coast. What need have I of these worthless advisors? The Dobczyńskis, so beloved of my forefathers. He is called a hero yet he whines like a beaten dog when I give him orders. The longer he remains in Scandinavia the better. Yes, what is it?’
‘A letter for you from my master, my Emperor.’
‘Am I your master or your Emperor?’
‘...my Emperor. My master is my master.’
‘But you said that your Emperor was your master.’
‘No, there was a gap between...’
‘Do you deny my, boy?’
‘Sir...your majesty...’
‘Surely your majesty as well, no?’
‘Would you just read the letter?’
‘Oh, very well...’ Konstantin sighed. ‘More time-wasting. Imperial Majesty...hum num num borders...yes, spheres of influence...a curse on your seventh grandfather yes yes.
what’
‘No, no, this can’t be...’
‘You aren’t serious about this, it’s all a...’
‘...Dobczyński?’
‘DOBCZYŃSKIIIIIIIIII!!!!!’