InTveresting Times: An AfTver Action Report

@ homy_dog34: Especially for Aleksandra - will you ever have drinking chocolate in the same way again?

@ Omen: No, you shouldn't! And the new Aleksandra is Aleksandr IV's daughter It seems to love those two names at the moment.

@ Chief Ragusa: That's Nizh. Nov. (vassal, just refused Annexation) and Murom (still waiting for PU). Map tidying is high on the agenda, fear not!

@ PrawnStar: Clearly a man of culture. And I bloody hope not, they'd wipe the floor with me

@ loki100: New challenge - can I channel both at the same time? Probably not

@ MrQwerty: I doubt I'll get another reign of that length. I'm just glad it was someone competent! And I don't know about the Habsblobs and Bohos - hopefully we won't have to fight any time soon. I'd need serious prep for a war of that scale.

@ Deus Eversor: They've developed a family sense of 'sod it, it's not worth the effort'

@ The Prince of Savoy: yes indeed. As a man of learning, he knows that alternative strategies sometimes produce better results...and so it proved.

@ morningSIDEr: Well, you are a man of high art and learning, who can better appreciate the glory that is the work of this master of the pen. Thus your reaction to his prose is even stronger than the average reader. And he certainly is - why do these people want to have children?

@ RGB: Yes, was thinking if I could get more references in, but struggling to fit in 'the zombies of death' or 'we ain't got no highs'. Will think...

Episode XLII: English Civil Tver

An extract from The Imperial Tales of Huiver-Bagge by His (Most) Excellency Charles Percival Huiver-Bagge MA (Ox.)



Times and leaders change in the Empire as they do in other nations (my best wishes to His Most Britannic And Imperial Majesty King Walter II of Great Britain And Her Empires - always have I known that he would make an outstanding monarch!)The tragic demise of the beloved Czarina Aleksandra to a confectionery-related illness brought to the throne the scientifically-minded Aleksandr. Many were worried that his abilities would not nearly match those of his very talented mother. Would the Golden Age of the Aleksandrine Empire continue under her son, or would he bring the mighty nation to ruin?

His speech to the parliament, at least, was impressive.

‘I stand before you, lords and ladies, not only as your Emperor, but as your guardian! Your leader! We may look strong, but be not mistaken. There are sicknesses in this land! And when a man is sick – what does he need?’

‘Medi...’

‘SCIENCE! He needs science! And I, my lords and ladies, am a man...of science!’

Certainly his relationship with high-ranking members of the court is strong. He was already well-acquainted with Captain Dobczyński.

‘I don’t mind, sir.’

‘What do you mean? Don’t mind what?’

‘What you did.’

‘What did I do?’

‘I’m a Dobczyński, sir. Father told me what happens to Tverian monarchs. And what Tverian monarchs’ relatives do to each other. It’s fine. It’s what you do. It’s your thing.’

‘Really?’

‘Absolutely. We are the sworn protectors of the Tverian crown – but if you won’t let us protect you then there’s very little that we can do. I tried to protect your mother from you – and I’ll try and protect you from whoever comes after your throne. Starting with your daughter. But if you won’t listen to me? I’ll sit back, sip a tall vodka with exotic fruit, and watch the fireworks from an inappropriately comfortable chair.’

The Czar grinned. ‘It’s a deal Dobczyński. Come, then. Let’s get to work!’

The accession of Czar Aleksandr IV, Emperor of Tver and All The Russias was a shock to the system of this recently reformed nation. It had been but a few years since the great Czarina Aleksandra's coronation, and her extensive changes to the country's infrastructure and governance were still as fresh as a ripe, juicy mango plucked fresh from a tree in the Amazon (see Huiver Bagge, The Amazons, And Huiver Bagge In The Amazon for more details).



In the Crimea, opportunity emerged like a bountiful wench emerging from the sea clad only in the necessities. It was Dobczyński who brought the news to the Czar.

'Sir! News from the rebellion in Azow!'

'The rebels have finally bored Hungary's Azow?'

'I really hope that's how it's pronounced now...but yes. Zaporozhia is a free nation once again!'

'All is proceeding as I have foreseen...did I say that right, Dobczyński? I'm still getting used to this job.'

'Very nicely, sir. Very Imperial.'



Foreign expeditions are, of course, my way of life, to venture beyond known horizons and bring back the spoils and tales of the furthest corners of the world. Not for me, some Safe European Home!

Zaporozhia having once more gained her independence, the Czar put in motion plans to give the reformed nation the same welcome to independence as she had received the last time she had gained her independence. Tver had played an important part in the popular uprising against their Hungarian overloards, and the new leaders of Zaporozhia were very grateful to the Czar for his and his predecessor’s help.

Unfortunately for them, Tver’s plans for Zaporozhia were rather less altruistic. The first harbinger of the coming storm was a stuffed skunk sent from Czar Aleksandr’s private taxonomy collection – the first of several.



Even Tver has, of couse, long outgrown nations such as Zaporozhia. Heretics, rather than heathens (worse, perhaps - Christians should know better!) Westernisation should bring them closer to the ideal of civilised nations. I put this point to the erstwhile Captain of the Guard, Chief Advisor, Lord High Commissioner, Et Cetera, the aforementioned Mirin Janusz Dobczyński. Or rather, I tried to - the man is as stubborn as all the folk that come from such uncivilised nations. He maintains that while westernisation is a positive policy for Tver, and one which he has always supported, he understands the misgivings of many about modernising this land of vodka-drinking savages!

'They willnae be happy about it. Having tae change the way they've done things - very successfully - for centuries.'

'What rot!' said I, with a wave of my elegant yet weathered hand. 'Surely even the Tverians know that west...is best.'

'Adopting western political systems is one thing. Adopting western customs, clothes, dances, languages? That's quite another.'

'Rubbish! Languages? Everyone knows that in time of difficulty the brain automatically reverts to English!'

And yet resist they do, and the Czar permits it! he will lose a great deal of prestige in the west for failing to enforce the civilisation of these people! While enforcing the law would cause a great deal of civil unrest, surely international prestige is more important than the opinions of a few semi-educated cattle? Why, were there to be such a foolish uprising in England, they would very shortly face the Guns of Brixton and a good thing too!



He was compensated, though, by the economic performance of the Centre of Trade in Astrakhan. While it would take a long time to convert this region to the Christian faith - or to colonise the city to Tverify the populace, the city was richer than ever before, flooded with goods from the southern and eastern parts of the Tverian Empire. Young people flocked to the city to take advantage of new Career Opportunities.




I will never understand this country or its leaders. How could they even consider retaining such low-born peasants as military leaders? The very mention of it in a civilised nation - why it would cause an English Civil War! I see it in my mind – Norwich filled with riots, York is aflame, and even London’s Burning! No, no, no. We cannot – and will not – have such nonsense. And yet, in this eastern Empire, they tolerate such creatures climbing the ladder of rank as a weasel mounts a broken wall into a cake shop.




Madness runs amok in the corridors of power. Promotion of some of his hand-picked men allowed Dobczyński to focus on his parliamentary duties. Surely it is the business of the civil service to fill up his diary so that he can’t get anywhere near such opportunities? What could this man possibly contribute to a council of learned nobles?




Reports of his capabilities are, I’m sure, greatly exaggerated. Some nonsense even spread that his contributions greatly improved the administrative functioning of the entire Empire!




The time had come, though, for serious business.

‘Dobczyński! Relations with Zaporozhia have been sufficiently soured, I hope?’

‘Aye, sir. They don’t know what to do with all the stuffed skunks. Confusion reigns, though I hear that Outright Anarchy is trying to organise a coup.’

‘Splendid – time to relieve them of the troubles of statehood!’

‘And tidy up your borders, sir?’

‘Equally important! Is the army ready?’

‘As always, sir.’

‘Then let us go about it. For science, and for Tver!’



A model of marching efficiency, Tverian soldiers crunched into Azow like a chariot into a village fair.



The siege, like the Duchess of Gloucester, was short and brutal.



The walls of Azow fell before the Tverian onslaught, the city was entered, and the province ruthlessly absorbed into the Tverian Empire.




This is the way of international diplomacy. And while the foolish might exclaim that Some Country Got Murdered, they do not realise that it is the way of this harsh world that we live in - always will the weak be absorbed by the strong and, worryingly for the civilised world, the Empire of Tver grows stronger with every conquest. It does not worry me – of course! I’m Not Down. Merely...wary. As should be all of sturdy heart.



The addition of a further province did have a disadvantage - Aleksandr's administrative skills were once more pressed to the limit, and the integration of Azow caused unrest within this already uneasy region.




Further good tidings, though, were to flow in the direction of Tver. Education and economic programmes in the region of Perm has been so successful, that the majority of its residents now identified with Russian culture and spoke Russian dialects. These changes, affected over generations, would greatly improve the administration of this already rich, productive province.




'I have been thinking, Dobczyński...where are you going, man? Get out from under that table.'

'Sorry, sir. Can't be too careful.'

'I have been thinking about my legacy.'

'Kurkawodna. Already, sir?'

'Already, Dobczyński. I don't know how long I will live - I am a Rurikovich, after all! We don't have the longest of life expectancies, you don't need a scientific mind to realise that. I'd like to leave something to remember me by.'

'A college, sir?'

'Exactly what I was thinking, Dobczyński. His head's not just a hat rack, is it Charlie?'

'Evidently not, your Imperial Majesty.'

'That is what I shall do. A University! Begin its founding immediately - the Aleksandr IV Imperial University of Science!'

'Perhaps a few other faculties would be an idea as well, sir...' ventured Dobczyński.

'You think so?'

'Otherwise it's not really a University. More of a glorified laboratory.'

'Oh, very well. The usual arts and theology and things?'

'Your grandfather would approve of a faculty of arts, your uncle of theology. Perhaps named after them?'

'Good thinking - the Mikhael III Faculty of Arts and the Konstantin III Faculty of Divinity. Splendid! It will be the finest establishment in Europe!'

I managed to stifle my laughter - the Imperial University of Tver a match for Oxford? For Cambridge, perhaps, but then so is the average brothel (and the brothels in Cambridge are distinctly average). Nonetheless, though, the Emperor put great effort and expense into founding the new University, recruiting renowned professors from Paris, Bologna and Prague, while Dobczyński recommended academics whom he had come across at St Andrews and in Castille (they really let anyone into universities nowadays!)



Even better, the marriage of his daughter Aleksandra to the Prince of Brandenburg produced an interesting opportunity...



With progress in abundance, the Czar looked to matters financial.

'Our treasury is rich, though we always need more money...Dobczyński?'

'Perhaps we should realign our economic policies - we do not send traders to foreign Centres of Trade, do we?'

'No. They struggle to compete in the main European markets.'

'Then perhaps, sir, we should instead solidify our position in our home markets.'

'It has merit...although won't that encourage laziness?'

'It may do, sir. The long-term benefits may be worth it, though.'




And so it was that the workshy merchants of Novgorod sat upon their wealth like a great dragon full of tasty soup. While increased mercantilism was a sensible policy shift for a large empire with multiple centres of trade, a loss of productivity in its richest city was worrying for Tver’s leadership. What further worries wait around the corner for this powerful yet vulnerable young Empire? Will is surpass adversity to place a hefty size-eleven boot upon the face of all opposition, heathen or otherwise? Or will it fall to internal unrest, or face the righteous wrath of the most Catholic legions of the west? Even I, in my wisdom, do not know. But fear not, gentle reader – as soon as there is further news from the east, I, Charles Percival Huiver-Bagge, shall purvey it forthwith to your awestruck brain like winged Mercury from Olympus!

From the Empire of Tver,

Huiver-Bagge

@ morningSIDEr: Fear not, Dobczyński's Overextensions will return in due course! Nothing can keep the man down. At times, though, it can be useful to restrain one's Overextensions for diplomatic purposes.

@ loki100: As a man of science, he has noticed the rather obvious pattern of Tverian succession.

@ Chief Ragusa: He's quite a bit older in game terms than I draw him - his mother reigned for forty years and he was alive for all of it! Clearly he has invented anti-aging creams!

@ RGB: It would, and I really hope that never happens. Hungary are getting feasted on by all sorts, and there are more provinces I want from them, but they're currently Guaranteed by Bohemia

@ Memento Mori: Don't bloody say it, you'll make it happen! I'm foxing terrified of that thing!

@ Timbernator: Thanks, and good luck with your own venture

2 blsteen: Selflessly. Very dedicated people these Rurikoviches. They save a lot of paperwork.

Episode XLIII: SafeTver In Numbers

An extract from Huiver Bagge’s XXI Epistle: On Tver And The Titanic Clashes Of Nations by His (Most) Excellency Charles Percival Huiver-Bagge MA (Ox.)

I return, stout Englishman, with further tales and warning from the Empire of Tver. As always, danger stalks my every footstep like a tiger following its prey – though I, Charles Percival Huiver-Bagge, am not the prey, but the hunter! From the front. I look over my shoulder and laugh at its pathetic attempts to entrap me, before proceeding to sip an elegant brandy, cleaning my monocle and finally – and no earlier – slotting it between the eyes with a hunting rifle!

Our tale (I jest, of course – it is my tale) begins quietly, with the marriage of Aleksandr’s third daughter to the nephew of the King of Sweden. Czar Aleksandr believed that, with some luck and careful planning, opportunity might rear her head in the north.



While this line of planning bore no fruit, it shows the willingness to take risks that have shown him to be a capable monarch. When a chance, however slight appears, one never knows when it will become available again. It should be seized! The diem must be carpe’d at once lest it never come again. Let us free ourselves from fear, from restraints, not live to our dotage regretting missed chances and opportunities – after all, what could possibly go wrong?


















The tragic death of Princess Aleksandra in a mysterious, gunpowder-related hunting accident shook the foundations of the Empire. More than that, it left the Czar without an immediate heir. The Rurikovich dynasty was staring down the barrel of extinction, unless the Czar and Czarina should produce further offspring!

More difficulties came for the Czar, as dissidents in the Duchy of Nizhny Novgorod asked for his support. Left with no good options, the Czar chose to support their claims lest he lose international prestige.



Better tidings were to come, however. Mirin Janusz Dobczyński returned from the recently acquired Crimean province of Azow, reporting that the Empire’s policy of protecting minority rights was paying dividends (as were the local taxpayers by the look of things).



The Czar was pleased by this news.

‘Good work, Dobczyński – we will convert them to our ways in good time. For the moment, though, you’re doing a grand job of keeping them happy.’

‘Thank you sir.’

‘For the moment we need to focus on consolidation, and improvements. And science – ah, Geenral Kholmsky, could you hold this vial for me?’

‘Thank you my Emperor, don’t mind if I do!’ The General took a hearty swig.

‘General, you don’t want to drink that, it’s not...oh dear...Dobczyński, is that blood, steam, or bloody steam?’

‘I might be able to save him...kurkawodna. Scratch that, he’s on fire as well. And is that an intestine?’

'It's either that or an incinerated cobra! Fascinating.'



The steaming demise of Tver’s most decorated General was a blow to the army’s morale. The Czar, though, seemed undeterred by his dissolution: indeed, he seemed positively invigorated at having advanced science in such a manner. His renewed enthusiasm soon bore fruit...



he succession solidified, the Czar could turn his attentions to internal complications. Dobczyński had been managing the training of new army officers, continuing his flawed policy of recruiting people based on ‘talent’ rather than good breeding. Thankfully the Tverian parliament are not yet going to put up with this kind of thing! The Czar, though, backed Dobczyński! I will never understand these Russians (as for Scots-Polish mongrels, I do not even try!) A loss of stability was inevitrable at this bizarre decision to continue the recruitment of lowborn peasants.



The Czar’s marriage policies, targeting countries with potential succession difficulties, had bred a number of interesting possibilities: though, as ever, progression in such matters was to be a matter of luck.



The Tverian parliament, though, still caused occasional problems. Further reformation of their systems would be required to allow the Czar to achieve all of his objectives.



Later, though, came a crowning moment of the Czar’s career: the opening of the Imperial University of Tver. Students from across the Tverian Empire and abroad flocked to study at this burgeoning centre of academia: by European standards, this institution may well have a bright future ahead of it.



The opening of the University gave Dobczyński another idea (his head is full of them – I would fear the man if I knew the meaning of the word).

‘My Emperor?’

‘As opposed to someone else’s?’

‘With the establishment of a University, we have greater numbers of educated men in our country than ever before. Not only churchmen, but also men of science and art.’

‘Is it not glorious?’

‘Blindingly, sir. What if we were to disperse these men throughout the Empire? Have local churches set up schools for children. Educate them from a young age in theology, sciences and literature.’

‘A splendid idea, Dobczyński. I will recommend it to the Metropolitan at once. We will spread the message of science to all corners of the Empire!’



The expansion and economic development of the Empire had propelled it into the position of the third-strongest economy in the world, a terrifying prospect for all men of substance.



Worse still, the Rurikovich dynasty was expanding – the Palatinate of the Rhineland wasa cousin to the Czar!



Worried by Tverian expansion, Castille resorted to her most ancient tactic of all.



Undeterred, though, the Czar was guiding Tver towards modernised, westernised, and scientifically advanced country. Peace reigned throughout the Empire, internal problems were at an all-time low...truly all is well both inside and outside this puissant nation.




Forebodingly, yet exhiliaratingly,

Huiver-Bagge