Episode XLII: English Civil Tver
An extract from The Imperial Tales of Huiver-Bagge by His (Most) Excellency Charles Percival Huiver-Bagge MA (Ox.)
Times and leaders change in the Empire as they do in other nations (my best wishes to His Most Britannic And Imperial Majesty King Walter II of Great Britain And Her Empires - always have I known that he would make an outstanding monarch!)The tragic demise of the beloved Czarina Aleksandra to a confectionery-related illness brought to the throne the scientifically-minded Aleksandr. Many were worried that his abilities would not nearly match those of his very talented mother. Would the Golden Age of the Aleksandrine Empire continue under her son, or would he bring the mighty nation to ruin?
His speech to the parliament, at least, was impressive.
‘I stand before you, lords and ladies, not only as your Emperor, but as your guardian! Your leader! We may look strong, but be not mistaken. There are sicknesses in this land! And when a man is sick – what does he need?’
‘Medi...’
‘SCIENCE! He needs science! And I, my lords and ladies, am a man...of science!’
Certainly his relationship with high-ranking members of the court is strong. He was already well-acquainted with Captain Dobczyński.
‘I don’t mind, sir.’
‘What do you mean? Don’t mind what?’
‘What you did.’
‘What did I do?’
‘I’m a Dobczyński, sir. Father told me what happens to Tverian monarchs. And what Tverian monarchs’ relatives do to each other. It’s fine. It’s what you do. It’s your thing.’
‘Really?’
‘Absolutely. We are the sworn protectors of the Tverian crown – but if you won’t let us protect you then there’s very little that we can do. I tried to protect your mother from you – and I’ll try and protect you from whoever comes after your throne. Starting with your daughter. But if you won’t listen to me? I’ll sit back, sip a tall vodka with exotic fruit, and watch the fireworks from an inappropriately comfortable chair.’
The Czar grinned. ‘It’s a deal Dobczyński. Come, then. Let’s get to work!’
The accession of Czar Aleksandr IV, Emperor of Tver and All The Russias was a shock to the system of this recently reformed nation. It had been but a few years since the great Czarina Aleksandra's coronation, and her extensive changes to the country's infrastructure and governance were still as fresh as a ripe, juicy mango plucked fresh from a tree in the Amazon (see
Huiver Bagge, The Amazons, And Huiver Bagge In The Amazon for more details).
In the Crimea, opportunity emerged like a bountiful wench emerging from the sea clad only in the necessities. It was Dobczyński who brought the news to the Czar.
'Sir! News from the rebellion in Azow!'
'The rebels have finally bored Hungary's Azow?'
'I really hope that's how it's pronounced now...but yes. Zaporozhia is a free nation once again!'
'All is proceeding as I have foreseen...did I say that right, Dobczyński? I'm still getting used to this job.'
'Very nicely, sir. Very Imperial.'
Foreign expeditions are, of course, my way of life, to venture beyond known horizons and bring back the spoils and tales of the furthest corners of the world. Not for me, some Safe European Home!
Zaporozhia having once more gained her independence, the Czar put in motion plans to give the reformed nation the same welcome to independence as she had received the last time she had gained her independence. Tver had played an important part in the popular uprising against their Hungarian overloards, and the new leaders of Zaporozhia were very grateful to the Czar for his and his predecessor’s help.
Unfortunately for them, Tver’s plans for Zaporozhia were rather less altruistic. The first harbinger of the coming storm was a stuffed skunk sent from Czar Aleksandr’s private taxonomy collection – the first of several.
Even Tver has, of couse, long outgrown nations such as Zaporozhia. Heretics, rather than heathens (worse, perhaps - Christians should know better!) Westernisation should bring them closer to the ideal of civilised nations. I put this point to the erstwhile Captain of the Guard, Chief Advisor, Lord High Commissioner, Et Cetera, the aforementioned Mirin Janusz Dobczyński. Or rather, I tried to - the man is as stubborn as all the folk that come from such uncivilised nations. He maintains that while westernisation is a positive policy for Tver, and one which he has always supported, he understands the misgivings of many about modernising this land of vodka-drinking savages!
'They willnae be happy about it. Having tae change the way they've done things - very successfully - for centuries.'
'What rot!' said I, with a wave of my elegant yet weathered hand. 'Surely even the Tverians know that west...is best.'
'Adopting western political systems is one thing. Adopting western customs, clothes, dances, languages? That's quite another.'
'Rubbish! Languages? Everyone knows that in time of difficulty the brain automatically reverts to English!'
And yet resist they do, and the Czar permits it! he will lose a great deal of prestige in the west for failing to enforce the civilisation of these people! While enforcing the law would cause a great deal of civil unrest, surely international prestige is more important than the opinions of a few semi-educated cattle? Why, were there to be such a foolish uprising in England, they would very shortly face the Guns of Brixton and a good thing too!
He was compensated, though, by the economic performance of the Centre of Trade in Astrakhan. While it would take a long time to convert this region to the Christian faith - or to colonise the city to Tverify the populace, the city was richer than ever before, flooded with goods from the southern and eastern parts of the Tverian Empire. Young people flocked to the city to take advantage of new Career Opportunities.
I will never understand this country or its leaders. How could they even consider retaining such low-born peasants as military leaders? The very mention of it in a civilised nation - why it would cause an English Civil War! I see it in my mind – Norwich filled with riots, York is aflame, and even London’s Burning! No, no, no. We cannot – and will not – have such nonsense. And yet, in this eastern Empire, they tolerate such creatures climbing the ladder of rank as a weasel mounts a broken wall into a cake shop.
Madness runs amok in the corridors of power. Promotion of some of his hand-picked men allowed Dobczyński to focus on his parliamentary duties. Surely it is the business of the civil service to fill up his diary so that he can’t get anywhere near such opportunities? What could this man possibly contribute to a council of learned nobles?
Reports of his capabilities are, I’m sure, greatly exaggerated. Some nonsense even spread that his contributions greatly improved the administrative functioning of the entire Empire!
The time had come, though, for serious business.
‘Dobczyński! Relations with Zaporozhia have been sufficiently soured, I hope?’
‘Aye, sir. They don’t know what to do with all the stuffed skunks. Confusion reigns, though I hear that Outright Anarchy is trying to organise a coup.’
‘Splendid – time to relieve them of the troubles of statehood!’
‘And tidy up your borders, sir?’
‘Equally important! Is the army ready?’
‘As always, sir.’
‘Then let us go about it. For science, and for Tver!’
A model of marching efficiency, Tverian soldiers crunched into Azow like a chariot into a village fair.
The siege, like the Duchess of Gloucester, was short and brutal.
The walls of Azow fell before the Tverian onslaught, the city was entered, and the province ruthlessly absorbed into the Tverian Empire.
This is the way of international diplomacy. And while the foolish might exclaim that Some Country Got Murdered, they do not realise that it is the way of this harsh world that we live in - always will the weak be absorbed by the strong and, worryingly for the civilised world, the Empire of Tver grows stronger with every conquest. It does not worry me – of course! I’m Not Down. Merely...wary. As should be all of sturdy heart.
The addition of a further province did have a disadvantage - Aleksandr's administrative skills were once more pressed to the limit, and the integration of Azow caused unrest within this already uneasy region.
Further good tidings, though, were to flow in the direction of Tver. Education and economic programmes in the region of Perm has been so successful, that the majority of its residents now identified with Russian culture and spoke Russian dialects. These changes, affected over generations, would greatly improve the administration of this already rich, productive province.
'I have been thinking, Dobczyński...where are you going, man? Get out from under that table.'
'Sorry, sir. Can't be too careful.'
'I have been thinking about my legacy.'
'
Kurkawodna. Already, sir?'
'Already, Dobczyński. I don't know how long I will live - I am a Rurikovich, after all! We don't have the longest of life expectancies, you don't need a scientific mind to realise that. I'd like to leave something to remember me by.'
'A college, sir?'
'Exactly what I was thinking, Dobczyński. His head's not just a hat rack, is it Charlie?'
'Evidently not, your Imperial Majesty.'
'That is what I shall do. A University! Begin its founding immediately - the Aleksandr IV Imperial University of Science!'
'Perhaps a few other faculties would be an idea as well, sir...' ventured Dobczyński.
'You think so?'
'Otherwise it's not really a University. More of a glorified laboratory.'
'Oh, very well. The usual arts and theology and things?'
'Your grandfather would approve of a faculty of arts, your uncle of theology. Perhaps named after them?'
'Good thinking - the Mikhael III Faculty of Arts and the Konstantin III Faculty of Divinity. Splendid! It will be the finest establishment in Europe!'
I managed to stifle my laughter - the Imperial University of Tver a match for Oxford? For Cambridge, perhaps, but then so is the average brothel (and the brothels in Cambridge are
distinctly average). Nonetheless, though, the Emperor put great effort and expense into founding the new University, recruiting renowned professors from Paris, Bologna and Prague, while Dobczyński recommended academics whom he had come across at St Andrews and in Castille (they really let anyone into universities nowadays!)
Even better, the marriage of his daughter Aleksandra to the Prince of Brandenburg produced an interesting opportunity...
With progress in abundance, the Czar looked to matters financial.
'Our treasury is rich, though we always need more money...Dobczyński?'
'Perhaps we should realign our economic policies - we do not send traders to foreign Centres of Trade, do we?'
'No. They struggle to compete in the main European markets.'
'Then perhaps, sir, we should instead solidify our position in our home markets.'
'It has merit...although won't that encourage laziness?'
'It may do, sir. The long-term benefits may be worth it, though.'
And so it was that the workshy merchants of Novgorod sat upon their wealth like a great dragon full of tasty soup. While increased mercantilism was a sensible policy shift for a large empire with multiple centres of trade, a loss of productivity in its richest city was worrying for Tver’s leadership. What further worries wait around the corner for this powerful yet vulnerable young Empire? Will is surpass adversity to place a hefty size-eleven boot upon the face of all opposition, heathen or otherwise? Or will it fall to internal unrest, or face the righteous wrath of the most Catholic legions of the west? Even I, in my wisdom, do not know. But fear not, gentle reader – as soon as there is further news from the east, I, Charles Percival Huiver-Bagge, shall purvey it forthwith to your awestruck brain like winged Mercury from Olympus!
From the Empire of Tver,
Huiver-Bagge