InTveresting Times: An AfTver Action Report

[Fyregecko]

InTveresting Times: An AfTver Action Report



Episodes
House of Rurikovich

Mikhael II 1399 - 1439


Episode I: Tvertically Challenged
Episode II: SemTver Fi
Episode III: Through AdTversity
Episode IV: Tverequiem for a Dreamer

Aleksandr II 1439 - 1465


Episode V: All The Tvun Of The Tver
Episode VI: Iustitia et Tveritas
Episode VII: Tverni, Tvidi, Tvici
Episode VIII: NeTver Say NeTver Again
Episode IX: Tver Ever And Tver Ever Farewell, Cassius

Aleksandr III 1465 - 1496


Episode X: Tvervolve Or Die
Episode XI: The Tver Is Mightier Than The Horde
Episode XII: Tvereality Check
Episode XIII: Tvebel Without A Cause
Episode XIV: It Is A Far BeTver Thing That I Do...


Konstantin II 1496 - 1521


Episode XV: I'm A FirestarTver, Twisted FirestarTver
Episode XVI: Fortes Tvertuna Adiuvat
Episode XVII: Tverssian Roulette
Episode XVIII: Tverror of Judgement
Episode XIX: Tverst Among Equals
Episode XX: SuperTvertheygoballisticHordearequiteatrocious
Episode XXI: Love And Tverolence
Episode XXII: Those Tver The Days, My Friend

Mikhael III 1521 - 1544


Episode XXIII: Tvers Just Wanna Have Fun
Episode XXIV: Tverestrokia
Episode XXV: Life On Tvers
Episode XXVI: Tversted Interests
Episode XXVII: Tverms And Conditions
Episode XXVIII: Ars GraTvera Artis

Konstantin III 1544 - 1547


Episode XXIX: No Country Tver Old Men
Episode XXX: Inglorious BasTverds

Aleksandra 1547 - 1588


Episode XXXI: DeadliTver Than The Male
Episode XXXII: My Tver Lady
Episode XXXIII: The Head That Tvers A Crown
Episode XXXIV: Trials And Tverbulations
Episode XXXV: Tverl Grey With Lemon
Episode XXXVI: Alea IacTver Est
Episode XXXVII: War! (War!) What Is It Good Tver? Part I | Part II
Episode XXXVIII: In Vino Tveritas
Episode XXXIX: Sic Semper Tverannis | Part II | Part III
Episode XL: Tverra Nova
Episode XLI: Nisi Dominus FrusTver

Aleksandr IV 1588 - 1607


Episode XLII: English Civil Tver
Episode XLIII: SafeTver In Numbers
Episode XLIV: Tverkish Delight
Episode XLV: If You Have Tvers, Prepare To Shed Them Now
Episode XLVI: Nemo Tver Impune Lacessit
Episode XLVII: Battlestab GalacTverca

Maria 1607 - 1610


Episode XLVIII: Happy New Tver

Konstantin IV 1610 - 1633


Episode XLIX: Death and the King’s Tversman
Episode L: Gold, Frankincense and Tver
Episode LI: GunpowTver, Treason and Plot
Episode LII: Bohemian RhapsTverdy
Episode LIII: Ashes Tver Ashes
Episode LIV: Dust Tver Dust

Aleksandr V 1633 - 1658


Episode LV: MoTvernisation
Episode LVI: BeauTver And The Beast
Episode LVII: Planning Tvermission
Episode LVIII: Tverly Modern
Episode LIX: Catch Twenty-Tver

Boris I 1658 - 1660


Episode LX: Primo VicTveria
Episode LXI: AtTvero Dominatus

Interregnum

Lord Protector Mitrofan Beloselsky 1660 -


Episode LXII: Baptism of Tver

Divine Wind 5.1
Difficulty: Normal
AI Aggression: Normal
Rules: No save-reloading. Take your beatings like a man, Private Twinkletoes!


Greetings! This is my first attempt at an AAR, so please be gentle on me. Reading other AARs on the board, I decided that I was going to try out a country that nobody had done before (as far as I know). No doubt I'm going to find out why nobody plays as this particular country, but they have a tendancy to go through periods of good fortune in my games (forming Russia in one game), usually when the stronger Russian states get demolished by the Hordes, allowing Tver to ruthlessly annex their crippled 'friends' for the glory of MoTver Russia.

I have enjoyed many AARs of different styles, but my overall favourite has to be that of my fine compatriot morningSIDEr: Here. In stylistic terms, his is probably my greatest inspiration, though I doubt I can prove so entertaining. Not with my first AAR, anyway.
Prince of Savoy's Genoa AAR also gave illustrative inspiration: Here

So that, ladies and gents, is the grand plan: to turn Tver from THIS:



into THIS:



It Tvill be magnificent!

(Assuming we don't get annexed by Muscowy 'for kicks', which is entirely possible)

[loki100]

sounds promising, the opening phase should be a challenge though

[adamclason]

Oooh, Tver. You've got my attention!

Good luck!

[Vrael_1492]

Good luck on that one. Subbed rightaway!

[Fyregecko]

Episode I: Tvertically Challenged

The window exploded in a kaleidoscope of shattered glass as the mighty steed burst through, hooves flailing. It reared up to its full height as its rider raised his wicked, curved sword and brought it down in a scything arc.

The oriental peace lily fell, split in two.

The rider leapt down from his mount, removing his silver helm and revealing the manic, grinning, moustachioed features of Mikhail (II) Rurikovich, King of Tver. He strode over to the desk where sat a tall, cynical man, reading a pile of letters. Mirosław Dobczyński, mercenary, bodyguard, clerk and general dogsbody to the most powerful sovereign north of Moscow, south of Novgorod, east of Vilnius and west of Yaroslavl, was used to his master’s displays of martial prowess, and only wished that he was capable of such things on the battlefield against his legion of enemies, rather than on the veranda against their legion of ornamental flora.

‘Dobczyński!’

‘My liege?’

What are we doing today then, Dobczyński? This is a day for PROGRESS!’

‘Progress, sir?’

‘Progress! Achievement! Advancement! What is our...objective?’

‘You’re the king, sir. What do you want to do?’

‘Oh. Very true. I should...did you just delegate to me?’

‘No, sir.’

‘You know the penalty for delegation, Dobczyński?’

‘Yes, sir.’

‘Then did you?’

‘No, sir. I merely submitted to your wisdom, sir.’

‘Ah...very good, very good. Submission is good. The queen always says so.’

‘I am always happy to submit to the queen, sir, and do so on a regular basis.’

‘Good man. Now then. We should...Save the Russian People!’



‘All of them?’

‘Yes! But...start with the ones in Smoleńsk. That should be easy.’

‘Sir...that’s in Lithuania. Which is huge. And allied with Poland.’

‘Are you preaching cowardice, Dobczyński?’

‘I am preaching pragmatism, sir.’

‘Oh...very well. We’ll do it later. What’s next?’

‘We could reform the army, sir.’

‘Good idea, Dobczyński. The army is full of morons. More quality. Less morons. That was my campaign motto! And I won!’

'There were no other candidates, sir.'

'Because they were morons!'

‘The nobility aren’t happy, though.’



‘That’s because they’re morons too!’

‘Yes, sir.’

‘Now. My feet are cold. It’s Russia. And winter. Go to IKEA and buy me a carpet.’

‘IKEA, sir?’

‘Capital of Sweden. Or Swedish capital. Or both. But I think they do delivery.’



‘Yes, sir. I’ll put this on the Expenses register as “Commission Tapestry...”’

‘Stout man. Next?’

‘You have a son, my liege.’



'Mine?'

‘Almost certainly, sir. The queen is very careful.’

‘That’ll do. Talented?’

‘Prodigious, sir. He breathes through his nose.’

‘Incredible. Wish I knew how to do that.’

‘You’ll learn, sir. And apparently Novgorod don’t want to kill us.’



‘Oh. That’s good, I suppose.’

‘That usually means that they plan to attack us within the year.’

‘Oh. These Russians. Can’t trust them.’

‘No, sir. Oh, news. Muscowy are at war with the Golden Horde as well.’

‘Excellent! Who are we supporting?’

‘The nobility is divided. Officially, Muscowy, but it’s in our interests for the Horde to beat them up a bit so we can take their provinces for ourselves. I have arranged tickets for our troops to go and watch. Give them a nice day out.’



‘Ah, major sporting events coming to eastern Europe. Wouldn’t happen in Poland, Dobczyński.’

‘No, sir. We just don’t have the infrastructure. We’d probably have to team up with the Ukrainians or something ridiculous.’

‘Bloody Ukrainians. Next?’

‘Novgorod have included us in their sphere of influence, whatever that means.’

‘That sounds friendly. And interfering. We’ll get them later. Next?’

Dobczyński picked up a report from the guard who had just entered. He read it.

‘Sir! Smoleńskian nationalists have risen up against their vile oppressors!’

‘About time too! Give those Lithuanians a damn good thrashing.’

‘Err...not quite, sir...’



‘Sir, are you sure we want to liberate these idiots?’

‘They’re young. Impetuous. Got gumption! Like ‘em. Next?’

‘Novgorod have attacked Yaroslavl.’



‘That’s hardly fair. We should stand in solidarity with our cousins! These small countries need protection.’

‘Yes, they do sir. Shall we accept the Teutonic Order’s offer of alliance?’

‘Alliance? With those heretics? Never! We don’t need ‘em. A proud and mighty nation like us?’

‘Did we get annexed by Bohemia when I wasn’t looking?’

‘Anyway, they’ll just drag us into fights with other Catholics. No, my boy, we stay here. Aloof. Splendid isolation! Coiled like a viper, waiting for our time to strike.’

‘If you say so, sir.’

‘I do!’

‘Now...Muscowy has attacked Lithuania for no obvious reason and is now at war with Poland, Lithuania and Austria.’
‘A chance to heroically, honourably backstab the Muscovite friend-dogs?’

‘Better to wait for now I think, sir. Our time will come.’

‘It had better.’

‘Smoleńsk is independent, by the way, sir. In Tula.’

‘Send our congratulations, a Royal Marriage offer, and prepare the army for invasion.’

‘Yes, sir...oh, cholera. The Golden Horde have attacked them.’



‘Why?’

‘Because...well...I don’t know, really. They just do that.’

‘Heavens. That’s a bit grim. No doubt the result of a difficult upbringing.’

‘Indeed, sir. Oh. War between Muscowy and the East Central European Treaty Organisation has finished.’


‘Marry our youngest daughter to the nobleman with the biggest hat.’
‘Sir.’

‘Now claim their throne.’

‘We can’t, sir.’

‘Why not?’

‘We’re not prestigious enough, according to the International Prestige Monitoring Authority.’

‘Damnation.’

‘Holland?’

‘What? Oh. Prestige. I'll give them bloody Prestige...is that all for now, Dobczyński?’

‘Yes, sir. Sorry that there was nothing important.’

‘Never mind, Dobczyński. I feel the hot breath of destiny upon the back of my neck. We must only wait for her tender embrace.’

‘Yes, sir.’

‘Very good. Now, how many plants have we got left? I’m bored.’

The king strode out into the sunlight, glass crunching underneath his boots. Dobczyński smiled. Tver was many things, he had realised. And boring was not one of them.

[blsteen]

Hopefully that wasn't the hot breath of an angry dragon in the guise of a descendant of Genghis.
International Prestige Monitoring Authority

[Ashantai]

Very amusing! I shall follow this!

[Fyregecko]

Many thanks for your replies! As stated, this is my first adventure in TvAARdom, so all thoughts and ideas - both gameplay and stylistic - are more than appreciated. I'll try and get some more play in this afternoon, and hopefully there will be some real 'progress'. I'm not a very decisive player, and I'll need to try and pluck up the courage to backstab either Muscowy or Novgorod when they're not allied with each other. We shall see...

Oh, and I added a couple more screenshots that I had issues with when I posted chapter one. Decorations!

[Omen]

I like your style! It's jaunty, with piquant notes of juniper. Uh. Yeah. Anyway, nice AAR.

[Prince of Savoy]

"I wish I could breathe through my nose".

I love this AAR already, keep up the good work.

[Edgewise]

Good stuff. I love playing all the Rusian minors. Tver is probably my second favorite.

[homy_dog34]

Keep it up! This is good stuff

[Fyregecko]

Episode II: SemTver Fi

‘Dobczyński!’

Dobczyński looked up from his pile of correspondence as Mikhail Rurikovich, King of Tver, strode into the portrait gallery, cloak billowing behind him.

‘Sir?’

‘Poland has invaded Mazovia!’


Dobczyński was surprised. ‘No Casus Belli? Weren’t they granted a Vassalisation CB by the International Casus Belli Board?’

‘Yes! But they haven’t used it. These Poles, Dobczyński! Terrible people!’

‘Barbarians, sir.’ Six months in Tver had taught Dobczyński that prudence enhanced life expectancy better than patriotism. ‘So what does this mean?’

‘These beetroot-munching philistines might not value Casus Belli, my friend...but I do!’ He proudly presented Dobczyński with a certificate, signed by the Moderator of the ICBB, the leader of Switzerland.


‘Poland and Lithuania are fighting...Musc...oh, cholera.’

‘Yes! Muscowy, my cabbage-gobbling friend!’

‘Are you sure this is a good idea, sir!’

‘It is my idea, Dobczyński, therefore it is a good idea! Cogito ergo bonus idealis!Descartovich said so!’

‘So we’re fighting Muscowy?’

‘Yes! Assemble the army, Dobczyński, for we ride...’ He drew his sabre, the blade glinting only slightly less than his manic grin ‘TO VICTVERY!’



The army assembled on the border with Muscowy. In the distance, Dobczyński could see the Lithuanian troops marching through Vyazma, the Muscovite forces trying to regroup as they fell back towards Moscow. The diplomat had returned from Moscow, having delivered the customary bag of dead frogs that symbolised a declaration of war.



The king sat upon his horse at the head of his cavalry. He appeared slightly unstable, as a result of the alcohol he had drank to give himself courage to make the declaration of war upon a country with whom Tver had previously had good relations. While he possessed little in the way of military genius, Mikhail Rurikovich had one notable strength: his wardrobe. His waistcoat was of dazzling rainbow colours, his felt hat surmounted by a cock feather the size of a small cannon. Dobczyński reckoned that his appearance would help to shock the enemy into submission.

‘Very well, then. All is ready. Chaaaaarge!’ The king raked back his spurs, and with a mighty URAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA, they thundered down the hill towards the retreating Muscovites.



Soon, the main body of the army was in Vladimir, laying siege to the town. However, word reached them of a small Muscovite force that had retreated into Novgorod, and were now marching upon Tver, led by the king of Muscowy himself. The Muscovites defeated a small force that had remained to defend the capital, and now the wolves were at the very gates of Tver.

Dobczyński took half of the army’s 10, 000 troops – there had been mass recruitment in preparation for the attack – to confront the Muscovite raiders. Enjoying competent leadership for once, Tver’s armies were successful, and drove the Muscovite king out of the MoTverland.



Dobczyński returned to the king’s side in Vladimir.

‘How go things in Tver, Dobczyński?’

‘Steadily, sir, though this war is awfully expensive. The treasury is running low!’



‘Then we must move fast. We will double our efforts! You there! Over that bloody wall!’

‘He doesn’t have legs, sir.’

‘What? Appearing on parade without legs! Do you know the penalty for this, soldier!’

‘Perhaps I should take command of the siege, sir. It is not...worthy of your...shock value.’

‘Oh. Oh, very well. I’ll go and start another one.’

As soon as the king had left, the mayor of the town surrendered to Dobczyński. He had been trying to for three hours, but had been blinded by the king’s waistcoat and been stumbling around the battlements, clawing at his – temporarily – useless eyes.



Dobczyński rode the Kostroma, presenting the latest report to the king.

‘My liege, Muscovy has surrendered to Poland.’



‘They would have given us the money last week, you know.’

‘Sir, Vladimir alone is no use to us. We should be trying to take Vyazma. It borders us.’

‘I suppose so. Can you finish off this siege, Dobczyński? I need to change my waistcoat. The red is fading on this one.’

‘Yes, sir.’



‘We might want to head home soon, sir.’

‘Why? We haven’t taken Vyazma yet.’

‘Well. Remember what I said about nationalist rebels?’

‘More lost nationalists? Little scamps. They’ll learn. It’s not our problem.’

‘Umm...actually, sir...’



‘YAROSLAVLIAN?’

‘Yes, sir.’

‘I made one mistake in my career. I should have burned Yaroslavl.’

‘Anyway, Muscowy are on the ropes, sir. We can go home and kick these idiots out of Tver before they even scratch the walls.’

‘very well. Make it so.’

Dobczyński rode into Moscow with the king of Tver’s terms, which were accepted by the beleaguered Muscovite king.



Back in Tver, King Mikhail toasted his victory.

‘Success, Dobczyński! Like a fine wine.’

‘Yes, sir. It tastes good at the start, but you regret it once the hangover kicks in.’

The king frowned. ‘What? What hangover?’

‘We took Vladimir as well as Vyazma, sir.’

‘Yes. Valuable iron deposits. Used for making swords! Swords are good!’

‘Yes, sir. But also connected to Ryazan.’

‘And? We don’t mind Ryazan.’

‘We do once they’ve been annexed by the Golden Horde, sir.’

‘They’ve been...’

‘Yes, sir.’

‘So we now border...’

‘Yes, sir.’

‘Well, they’re reasonable people, they wouldn’t attack us without any...’



‘Balls.’

‘Indeed, sir.’

‘We must fight them!’

‘How?’



‘Denied? So we can’t get to Vladimir?’

‘No, sir.’

‘Then we’re going to lose Vladimir?’

‘Yes, sir. Unless...one moment. Send your best diplomat to the Khan of the Golden Horde. Tell us to leave us in peace or else.’

‘Or else what?’

‘Or else you will walk into his presence wearing your rainbow waistcoat.’

‘That will work?’

‘We will lose Prestige, sir. The Authority looks down on such tactics...but better that than losing one of our new cities.’

‘Very well. I will send him immediately.’



The hordes retreated. The king wiped a sweat from his brow.

‘A close thing, Dobczyński.’

‘Yes, sir. We must be ready for them next time.’

‘We will be, Dobczyński. We will. Show me the map?’



‘Splendid. These have been troubling times, Dobczyński, but we have prevailed. A bright future awaits us, my friend. We have expanded. We double in strength. A rising power! Let the world quake in fear, tyrants throw down their blades and kings cower before our might.

‘For this. Is. TVEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRTA!’

[Fyregecko]

Some notes:

- All the other Russian minors, including Muscowy, are now GH vassals. Can I release Vassals in peace deals with the horde?

- I got lucky with Novgorod not honouring their alliance with Muscowy. I think they were worried about the Teutons, even though they have a larger army than them.

- I despise these bloody Hordes. That said, I got lucky with them too, in a way: I was preparing to offer Tribute but got 'They will not accept'...then they offered me a 'Concede Defeat.' Not complaining, but very strange behaviour.

- Hacked off with Novgorod. I have good relations with them but they still won't give me Access to my own territory. And I'm not sure I can afford the bribes to get them up to 200 Relations (surely 140 should be enough for MA?)

- I'm also composing a list of Tver-related puns. A rich resource, I'm sure you'll agree. As with most other things in this AAR< suggestions are very welcome

[loki100]

about the hordes - all you can demand in peace is tribute or an acknowledgement of defeat. The trick that I'm trying is to occupy the provinces and then use spies to provoke a nationalist revolt - if you can protect them for long enough, they'll break free of the horde and be best mates to you

great AAR btw

[adamclason]

Hah, really entertaining so far. Good job!

[Edgewise]

I want a waistcoat of dazzling rainbow colors.

[tamius23]

I... will follow this.

[Avindian]

This was brilliant! Your first update had me in stitches.

[Marco Oliverio]

This is awesome! I love it - and the style is great! Keep it up! Good luck with the Horde!