Northumberland (featuring Prussia!): In which Chaos takes Umbria-ge with Daniel
"That trip to Prussia was over fast."
That'll happen when your mission is to take Warmia.
"Couldn't you let me slide on the missions? Just once?"
Your face is about to slide. Off your head.
"In any event, I bet the Prussian section at the local library will be relatively small."
Maybe. That's one thing you humans are good at. Killing each other. Then breeding, so there are more to kill.
"There is more to being human than breeding and killing!"
Such as?
"Art, culture, books!"
All of which are predominantly used to get humans to mate with one another.
"Movies? Architecture? Music?"
Ditto.
"Gourmet food?"
Energy for mating. Also, attracting mates.
Daniel sighed exasperatedly. "Fine, you win."
Yay! I win! Wanna see a magic trick?
"Uh... sure."
Pick a card, any card.
"I can't see the deck of cards; I'm on the outside now."
Oh right. There. A deck of cards materialized in Daniel's hands.
"Okay. Got one."
Is this your card?
"No." Daniel, possessed by an odd spirit, picked up a stick and hit himself in the head.
This one?
"That's the same one, so no, it isn't my card." This time, Daniel shot himself in the foot with a conveniently placed musket.
This one?
"No, still not it. WHAT ARE YOU MAKING ME DO TO MYSELF?!" Daniel found himself doused in lamp oil with a lit match in his right hand.
Is this the card?
"FINE, YES! IT'S MY DAMNED CARD! NOW DON'T IMMOLATE ME!"
Tada! Magic!
Daniel found himself dry a few moments later. "How long were you going to do that?"
Until you had the right card.
"Didn't you already know my card? You saw me draw it."
Yeah, but I wasn't paying attention.
Daniel's mouth opened, then closed. Opened, then closed again. He shook his head in quiet desperation. "So, Northumberland?"
Northumberland.
"And my mission?"
Suck a little less than you do now.
"That's... surprisingly nice of you."
To be honest, I just want to get this over with. It's 1777, which means less than 50 years to go.
"For once, I entirely agree with you."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Daniel was appointed Prime Minister of Northumberland by the time honored process of being the first to apply for the job. The man who hired him, the King, seemed visibly relieved.
"I am so glad to meet you, Mr. Carlson. Do you know, I've had this ad in the paper for six months?"
"I'm surprised there wasn't more interest."
The King nodded. "I thought I had an applicant last week, but it was just a homeless person looking for shelter from the rain. I told him he could stay if he took the job."
"And?"
"He went back in the rain. Got pneumonia, I shouldn't wonder."
Daniel briefly glanced at the heavens and turned his attention back to the King. "Why do you think he turned it down?"
The King shrugged. "We are a small country, surrounded by enemies who wish us harm."
"I suppose."
"Especially the English."
Daniel paused. "Aren't you English?"
"Of course; don't be daft."
"I must have heard you incorrectly. You are English, yet your enemy is England?"
"Right."
Daniel blinked. "Shouldn't you, you know, be friends with England?"
"Why the devil would we be friends with England? They're scum, blighters really."
Daniel, against his better judgment, tried to help the king see the error of his ways. "What language do you speak?"
"English."
"What nationality are you?"
"English."
"Your culture?"
"English."
"Your muffins?"
"English."
Daniel checked each one off. "Would you call yourself Northumbrian?"
The King laughed. "Oh, good heavens, no. It's 1777, man. The Northumbrians died out over 500 years ago! I am an Englishman."
"So then why do you hate the English?"
"Because they're right bastards, those English pigs!"
Daniel gave up. "How about we declare war on them?"
"Now you're talking!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"That was easy."
Easier than this headline. 'England defeated by glorious English army of Englishmen. The English are furious and vow to regain England from their most fierce foes and bitterest enemies, the English.
"You know, I just had a terrible thought. Let's go after Britain too."
Good move. These are even more confusing than your average humans.
"Can we take London?"
Nah, they've got colonies and control over Scotland.
"Will Liege let us cross?"
Nope.
"Can't we just invade Ayrshire?"
Try it and see.
Three different Scottish rebellions later, Daniel bowed to the inevitable and took what he could get (which was rather a lot) after buying off Great Britain's friends.
Prime Minister Carlson approached the King, who was delighted to have even more territory. "Splendid work, old boy. Absolutely splendid!"
"Thank you, Sire."
"Have those English miscreants been misbehaving?"
"No, sir. We have good English soldiers watching over them."
"Well done. A keen eye for politics, Prime Minister. You grasp the exigencies of our plight very well."
"Thank you."
"Now, those British, they're jolly good fellows."
Daniel coughed. "Didn't we just beat them?"
"I should say so! The lousy Brits fell before us like wheat before a scythe!"
"So why do we like them?"
"Look at this lovely card!"
Dear Northumberland,
Way to put those English in their place! Sure, you stole our territory after rebels killed our army, wiped your nose on the British flag, and had sex with my wife, daughter, and a very confused looking horse I'm rather fond of. Still, better you English than those dratted English. No hard feelings.
Your friends,
Great Britain.
PS. Be a good chap and take down Cornwall, won't you?
The King looked expectantly at Daniel. "Well, what are you waiting for?"
"You want me to attack Cornwall?"
"Yes."
"To recover Gwynedd?"
"That's it precisely."
"Because the British said so?"
The King just nodded.
Wow, this guy is dense.
"You do understand that Milan is their ally?"
The King scratched his head. "Isn't Milan our ally?"
"No, they abandoned us."
"I thought they abandoned Northumberland."
"We're Northumberland."
The King cocked his head to one side. "I thought we were England. You're the Prime Minister, you should be on top of this sort of thing."
"If I declare war on Cornwall, despite the almost doom it will entail, will you promise never to mention England or the English ever again?"
"But
we're English."
Daniel bit his lip to keep from choking the King. "Just... don't say it."
The King shrugged. "Fair's fair. I promise."
"Delightful."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Initially, Daniel did very well, taking Gwynedd and Glamorgan with little effort expended. Then Milan started calling her allies. What was nearly impossible once quickly became impossibly impossible.
Thanks to copious amounts of mercenaries, and the willingness of the Northumberland army to die in huge quantities, at one point, Northumberland had no enemies on her shores. Cornwall, however, refused to surrender. Prime Minister Daniel went to the King to see what he could do. He found the King in his study, doodling on a notepad.
"Ah, there you are. How goes our war?"
"Well, pretty badly. All of Europe has united against us."
"Even Liege?"
Daniel grudgingly shook his head, in awe that, for once, the King displayed some sense of the geopolitical situation. "No, Sire. Liege has remained neutral."
"Jolly good." The King stared and thought for a few moments. "So why are we still at war? Liege surrendered."
"No, we weren't fighting Liege."
"We weren't?"
"Cornwall, sir."
"Why on earth would we fight Cornwall? I can't stand corn."
An uncomfortable realization dawned on Daniel. "Sire, how did you become King?"
"What an absurd question. I was anointed by God." Daniel started to relax, but immediately stiffened as the King continued. "I was also the first to apply for the position."
"What was your prior occupation?"
The King frowned as he tried to dredge up old memories. Then he brightened. "Space alien."
"Space alien?"
"Yes. Wait, no. That's not it. What do you call those blokes with the guns who are always marching about?"
"Soldiers?"
"Yes, those." Daniel waited for the other shoe to drop. He didn't have to wait long. "I wasn't one of those. I was a stable owner."
"Why did you change jobs?"
"Kicked in the head one too many times, I suspect. I hardly ever get kicked in the head any more."
Daniel simply bowed and left. When he was alone, he asked Chaos for advice.
You want to know what to do with him?
"Yes, please. Any advice would be lovely."
Kill him.
"That's your solution for everything!"
It's a good solution.
"Besides killing him."
Drive him to the point of insanity so he kills himself?
"Try again."
Make him kill somebody else so he ends up in prison or, better yet, gets executed?
"No murder!"
Cry baby. 'Boo hoo hoo, I don't like killing my fellow humans. It makes me feel icky inside. Boo hoo hoo.'
"How would you feel if somebody killed Order or Death?"
Why, are they dead?
"No."
Damn. I wanted their stuff.
"You wouldn't be sad?"
Chaos shrugged.
I'd win the bet by default. The only reason I haven't killed them is because I can't.
"Can you actually kill Death?"
I dunno. Want me to try?
"No thanks. So, Cornwall."
Right. Yeah, you're screwed.
"Really?"
Oh yeah. See?
"I resisted Bohemia AND Milan combined for four years. FOUR YEARS."
You know what's another word for 'second place'?
"Loser?"
Loser.
"As always, your moral support is without peer."
Any time.
"So you're saying I should just surrender?"
Too late. You're completely occupied now.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Daniel stared at the King of Northumberland with disgust. The King was completely oblivious to the destruction he'd caused.
"You give in too easily."
The King looked at Daniel in confusion. "I beg your pardon? We won."
"We won?"
"Yes, Northumberland was taken down a peg."
"For the last time. We. Are. Northumberland."
The King frowned. "That doesn't sound right."
"YOU DON'T SOUND RIGHT!"
"I don't? Maybe I need to see the dentist."
Daniel was about ready to act when there was a knock on the door. "Go answer that, PM."
Daniel opened the door to find a mob of angry soldiers politely waiting outside. "Can I help you gentlemen?"
"We're revolutionaries, sir."
"I thought we already surrendered to you."
The leader shook his head. "I can see where you might think that, but no. You're thinking of the particularists 20 years ago."
"Ah, yes. What do you want?"
"To establish a revolutionary dictatorship."
"Who would the dictator be?"
There was a long pause. A few coughed. "Um... we hadn't thought that far ahead. We thought it would be a protracted struggle."
Daniel nodded. "Still, you ought to sort that out."
"Yes. We'd better. Can we come back in a few days?"
"Take all the time you need."
"Thank you, sir. You're very kind."
Daniel checked the desk calendar -- it was late 1793. Four years later, in September of 1797, Daniel heard another knock on the door. When he opened the door, the same revolutionaries waited.
"Ah, gentlemen. Welcome back."
"Thank you."
"Thanks for getting rid of Louisiana. The Isles are confusing enough as it is without Louisiana getting land here too."
The leader of the revolutionaries smiled. "Think nothing of it. Say, could we make
you the dictator?"
"I'm leaving in a few days."
"Too bad." The leader thought for a few moments. "How about the King?"
"No! In fact, if you want into the palace, I'm going to have to insist you kill him."
"Kill the King? But that's treason!"
"Isn't revolution already treason?"
The revolutionaries were stumped once again. The leader brightened. "What if... um... I became dictator? Can we do that?"
"You're revolutionaries. There isn't exactly a rule book."
The leader laughed in triumph. "Then it's settled. I'll be dictator and we'll arrest the King."
"Kill him."
"Do we have to kill him?"
Daniel nodded, unwilling to budge an inch. "I'm not going to let you in unless you promise to kill him."
"Couldn't we just kill you?"
"You could, theoretically, but then my corpse would block the door, wouldn't it?"
Murmurs of "He's got you there, Reggie!" and "That would be a spot of bother, certainly," and "Fandango!" rippled through the crowd. Daniel spotted the Bohemian Bohemian glared, and ordered the leader to kill him too. "Very well, sir. I promise to kill the King and Hans -- sorry, Hans."
"Then you can come in."
The revolutionaries entered the palace in triumph, only to discover the King wasn't there. After a careful inspection, it was determined that the King had joined the revolutionaries sometime in 1795 since he had nothing better to do.
Reggie -- the leader of the revolutionaries -- was now in a pickle. "Um, Mr. Carlson, sir? I can't kill him, he's one of my soldiers."
"Doesn't the revolution always consume it's own children or something like that?"
"I don't know, does it? This is the first time we've revolted." One of the more sassy revolutionaries said, "Too right, Reggie, you're bloody revolting!" Everybody laughed, especially Reggie. "He always makes that joke and it's always funny!"
I could kill the King for you.
"You know what? Do that. And get me out of here."
All right! It's time to party!
After a couple of minutes, nothing happened. "Chaos?"
What? An artist needs time to produce to prepare a masterpiece.
"I haven't got time! Look, I'll do it. Reggie, give me your gun."
Reggie looked at Daniel doubtfully. "You aren't going to kill the King with it, are you?"
"If I said yes, would you still give me the gun?"
"I'd have to say no."
"Then no, I'm not going to kill the King."
Reggie, relieved, handed the musket to Daniel, who promptly shot the King. The revolutionaries were horrified. "Mr. Carlson! You lied to me!"
"It's a revolution. You can't make an omelet without breaking some eggs."
One of the revolutionaries made an ugly face. "He's right, Reggie. Remember that time Mikey put hard boiled eggs in the omelet?" Reggie shuddered.
Daniel waved dismissively. "Look, guys. He's dead. Deal with it. I'm leaving."
Daniel found an open forest a mile away and sat down. After an hour, Daniel coughed loudly. "Chaos? It's time to go."
I know, I know. Look, the Random Number Generator is broken.
"Is it?"
That's what I just said.
"Hmm... we only have one country to go!"
Looks like we'll have to find another way to choose the next (and final) country.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
As a special thank you to all of you for sticking with this AAR without going insane (or, if you were already insane, not getting drool into the computer and electrocuting yourselves), I've gotten permission from
loki100 to hold a little vote for the last country! (Thanks, loki!)
Here are the criteria.
1. No OPMs.
2. No countries we've already done.
3. No vassals or junior partners in PUs.
Here's my latest save, for those of you that want to play around a bit. (You need DW 5.2 beta to play.)
When voting for a country (please choose one and only one),
bold your choice. I'll tally the results and the winner will be my final country for the last 20 (or so years) until 1821. I'll give you until
Tuesday at 10 PM CST (-6 GMT) to cast your ballots!
