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Thanks! Somebody once said "Comedy is theft" (and if they haven't, I'm totally taking credit); a lot of the "robo-talk" comes from Futurama. Specifically, where Bender (as Coilette) is on Late Night with Humor Bot 5.0.
Madurai isn't as bad as that -- it's a 4PM, and more importantly, the rest of India is at war (for the moment.)
Of course, this is also possible
I just noticed how splendid the Italians are doing! Venetian Egypt and Milanese... erm... pretty much everything! I wonder will they form Italy?
I noticed that too. The AI has extreme reluctance to take Rome, so I wouldn't bet on it.
Doesn't work, trust me
I'll take your word for it.
I'm going to play at some point today and have an update tonight or tomorrow. I don't if I'll be able to cram 20 years into one update or not, but we'll see.
What the.... Daniel succeeded? No OPM was annexed?????
Who are you and what did you do to Avindian?????????
Who are you and what did you do to Avindian?????????
[insert Robo-Commentator joke here]
In all serious, I think you'll be more comfortable with Madurai, as it features failures and successes based on the failure of others. Oh, and quick FYI: I updated to the new beta.
It doesn't really add anything earth shattering that I can tell; it fixes hordes and a bunch of other stuff, but as far as genuinely new content? You can attach armies to other armies, but that's really an MP thing. (Like, France attaching extra armies to Brittany, for example.) It looks like the AI is much improved.
Madurai: The glorious return of Chaos!
Spoiler: It isn't glorious for everybody.
Addendum to the spoiler: Actually, come to think of it, it's really only glorious for Chaos.
Correction to the addendum to the spoiler: Since "glorious" is relative, you could even argue it isn't glorious for Chaos either. At least it's still a return.
Adjustment to the correction to the addendum to the spoiler: It's not even really a return, since he's still been in a bunch of updates. So, in all honesty, it's more the slight embiggenation of Chaos.
Note: If you don't know what embiggen means or where it comes from, we can't be friends. Sorry.
"So what horrible mind-searing terror have you imposed upon me now, Chaos?"
I'm back for less than ten seconds and already you abuse me, Danny? Lighten up. I didn't make you a pile of dung again.
Daniel, finding a handy pond, examined his reflect. "Well, I appear to be human."
Unfortunately.
"And female."
I've been meaning to ask you that. What's the difference between male meatbags and female meatbags?
"A couple of cup sizes, usually."
Chaos looked confused. I don't get it.
"Sorry. I think you have to be human. Anyway, that's a long and involved discussion. It begins with the birth of a human..."
Twenty minutes later, with some graphic descriptions, stick figures drawn in the dirt, and a crude hand puppet, Chaos began vomiting uncontrollably as he finally learned the secrets of human reproduction.
You do WHAT to each other? You know, I used to feel a little guilty about slaughtering thousands of humans for my own amusement. Now I just feel guilty I don't do it MORE. That's sick!
"How do PELFs reproduce?"
We don't. We're immortal, dingus. If there's a truly worthy LELF, we promote him, but it takes all three of us to do that. The last one we considered was Truth, but he died an ironic death.
"Killed by a polygraph machine?"
Huh? No. He got impaled by an iron spike. I thought that was clear enough, even for you.
"That's not what... you know what? Let's worry about Madurai."
Whatever you say, Danielle! Don't get so MAD YOU... uh... drown in RYE! That was bad even for Chaos; instead of his usual hour long guffaw session, he tittered mildly. Anyway, here's the map.
"A deceptively easy mission."
Yeah, but you'll screw it up anyway.
"What's the catch?"
You have to release your largest vassal.
"I can't do that, I'm at war with Hindustan."
Give it two years and a day.
"White Peace. The curse of all conquerors. Especially when Hindustan is entirely occupied anyway."
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After the war with Hindustan was over, Danielle carefully considered her options. She had to find a way to rule Madurai. "A question, Chaos."
Chaos groaned. Whatever, twerp.
"If you didn't know how humans reproduced" -- a visible gag from Chaos -- "how did you seduce those men a while ago?"
Seduce means to "lead down or under" from the Latin roots.
"So?"
I hit them with a lead pipe. Repeatedly.
"Why did they look so happy?"
I promised to stop if they let you win.
"I... see."
It's a simple system, but a good one.
"Well, since I'm not comfortable using my feminine wiles to become Queen, what do you propose?"
Already done. I had to promise four sheep, a goat, and a handful of berries.
"That's all it took to become Queen of Madurai?"
It could have been a lot worse. The King wanted two goats.
"Wait. There's a King?"
Well, duh. Who else is going to make you Queen?
Danielle sighed. "Look, let's just declare war on Maldives. I'll release a vassal after that."
Just under a year later, Maldives was annexed.
"And so, people of Travanacore, you are now free!" proclaimed Queen Danielle.
The people's response was a resounding "Meh" as they returned to their homes.
"That didn't go as well as expected."
I'm not surprised. They're still stuck being humans, so it's hard to get excited about that.
By December of 1706, there was a new war in the works, but not the one you'd expect. Unless it's a war against Portugal for Calicut, in which case, it's exactly the war you'd expect.
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So, Danny. Another war with a technically backwards power against Europeans? Do you not remember what happened the last EVERY TIME YOU'VE TRIED IT?!
"Look, it stands to reason that I'm due for a victory."
Chaos blinked at the enormous stupidity of Danielle's statement. You know what? Do what you want. I'm going to the bar for a few drinks. I'll be back at the end of your stupid war.
By the end of 1707, Danielle actually looked like she'd achieved success, acquiring Kutch and Calicut. Unfortunately, Portugal wasn't interested in peace, and her allies Venice and Norway found themselves unencumbered thanks to victory in Ethiopia.
A faint but unmistakable Those jerks had it coming! resounded in Danielle's head from a far off point. As she prepared to order her troops to attack the Portuguese troops in Malabar, Chaos reappeared.
I came back. There was nothing good on TV. I brought a friend, too! Have you met this guy? He's hilarious!
THE ELIMINATION OF HUMANS IS THE ONLY LOGICAL TASK FOR ANY ROBOT.
Isn't he great?
"Oh, no..."
And thus, Robo-Commentator killed most of the Madurai army.
Huh. I have to say, I didn't see that coming.
"That's exactly what he said he'd do!"
Get off my back! I assumed it was shtick, some kind of comedy routine.
Danielle gaped. "How is that funny?"
How is that NOT funny? I mean, killing all the humans? That's priceless.
Danielle shook her head. "Just get rid of him."
Fine, spoilsport. The Europeans are going to win anyway.
Two battles, the complete destruction of the fleet, and a humiliating peace later showed that Chaos was right.
"You could be a little more supportive, like Order."
Odor? I wouldn't trust him to support a brick with his head. Although it is fun to throw bricks at him. Did you every try that?
"That would have been my own head, so no."
Oh yeah! Even better! Man, I would have paid to see that.
"Save your money for Order's bar bet."
Ooo, saucy! I like it.
Danielle shrugged her shoulders. "So what now?"
Well, you could go after Ceylon, but they have a big fleet and you have none. You could attack Portugal again! Oh, sorry. Too soon?
Danielle gritted her teeth. "What about Hindustan?"
You tried that already.
"Yeah, but people are signing white peaces, and there's a rebellion."
Eh, your funeral.
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Danielle's plan for Hindustan was nothing short of brilliant. Rather than risk her own troops, she besieged provinces as soon as the as the rebels left. Since Hindustan was still completely occupied by foreigners apart from the rebelling provinces, that was a sound plan, and allowed her to snap up provinces with little risk. Of course, she eventually had to fight the rebels, and that didn't work as well.
Wow, you stink. I mean, a bunch of disorganized rebels almost wiped out your precious army!
"They aren't that disorganized."
They didn't even all march in the same direction. Four of them drowned from walking into the ocean!
"You have to admire the dedication."
More like DEAD-ication. That got a more standard Chaos fit of hilarity.
"Yes, yes, ha ha ha. How are the rebels in Ceylon doing?"
Not well. Ceylon's army is only 3000 guys, and they're all in Hindustan. On the downside, you still can't invade because your navy sucks and theirs is bigger.
"Damn. Well, we'll just keep picking off Hindustan's provinces."
Chaos sighed. Look, if I'm going to keep you from failing completely, and as entertaining as that is, it means more countries with the likes of you, I'll have to help. So I've taken the liberty of releasing Mysore and ending the war with Hindustan.
"But why?"
So we can stab them in the back and get Bangalore. Isn't that what you wanted?
"Actually, yeah."
Fantastic. Then let's get out of here, since it's 1723. You managed to loss one province, on a net scale, which is enough of a failure for now.
"Where are we going?"
Oman.
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In the interest of full disclosure, the first usable roll I got was Brittany -- however, they're entirely occupied by Liege and I'm almost positive they'll get annexed or vassalized in a couple of weeks. The next was Oman.
Yeah. I even added a whole bunch of mercenaries, but Western tech > Indian numbers.
Oh man, there's nothing like playing Oman! I heard that Oman is a fairly rich nation, in fact in my own game Oman is on par with me tech-wise. This is going to be interesting...
They, for some reason, almost always are a strong trader nation and the only non-westerns really keeping up in tech late game (vanilla).