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Georgia: Let's go to the video tape!
Bill-who-collects-a-cover-charge-for-fictitious-bands was glad his bar was finally fixed. Bar fights are bad enough, but when both parties have nuclear weapons, it can really stain the furniture. Both of the parties were also regular customers; being tipped into a singularity makes it highly unlikely that you'll have a chance -- or the inclination -- to pay your bar tab. Of course, when or if Order paid his tab, Bill would instantly become the wealthiest person that had ever existed, so he had that going for him. He'd also had to replace the bar's TV, one of the few serious casualties of the nuclear war, but the new model was larger, which meant he'd get more customers. It was a win for everybody, except of course those who were compressed into a tiny speck of nothingness by the sheer force of gravity. Of course, Bill thought it served them right for ignoring the bar's explicit ban on weapons capable of destroying the bar.
Bill looked up at his new TV and noticed that "The Bet" was on again. It had instantly become the most popular syndicated show in the history of time itself. An enterprising LELF decided to film Daniel's antics in the past, replay them at the bar, and add commentary. Bill got his share of the money too by taking side bets on the outcome of show. The odds of Daniel not going insane were 1,000,000:-1, which meant that you got paid a dollar to take the bet, and if you won, you got a million dollars too. There were very few takers; the line was already moving to 1,000,000:-100. Somebody asked Bill how he expected to make money if he had to pay people just to take the bet, and would pay even more if they lost. Bill nodded sagely and said, "Merchandising and bookie's fees." That made a lot of sense.
Chaos sat down at the bar to watch. Hi Bill, what's this week's episode?
"Georgia, Ch-- GOOD GOD WHAT IS THAT ON YOUR FACE?!?"
It's a beard. You haven't seen beards before?
"But you're, at best, an astral projection of your physical self molded into a different form. How can you have a beard?"
That's obvious. I haven't shaved in a while.
"Your beard is physical. You look like a projection of somebody with a floating beard. Why don't you make the beard astral too?"
Chaos sighed. Because I'm bored, Bill. I've been stuck in this stupid bar since Portugal. Apart from driving Danny's skull through the dart board last time, I've had no fun.
"You have the ability to enter nearly any dimension of time and space. Isn't that enough?"
Well, most of the time, sure. But it's fun messing with his head, pushing the laws of conservation of time ever so slightly each time we do it. You do realize there's a chance that we could completely end time itself, right?
Bill scratched his chin. "Hmm... what kind of odds are you laying?"
What?
"Er, never mind. Look, I'll make you a deal. I'll give you a dozen Chaos specials, on the house, if you get rid of the beard."
Chaos sighed heavily. Fine. Party pooper. He looked up at the screen, which currently showed a map of Daniel's new country.
The bar got quiet as the show began. The commentators appeared on the screen. They'd decided at the beginning of the season to wear theme clothes for each episode. Unfortunately, they were wearing white tank tops, torn blue jeans, trucker's mesh caps, and each held a bottle of malt liquor. In other words, wrong Georgia. As they argued with one another over who'd gotten it wrong, the technical staff put up two more graphics.
To make matters worse, they'd each chosen "appropriate" names, so one was Bubba and the other Jimbo. Given that both were women, these seemed especially poor choices, and there was little doubt that the firing of the research staff was justified. Still, after a few final insults, they settled down and got down to work.
"So, uh, Jimbo, what do you think of this war?"
"Well, er, Bubba, it looks bad for Team Daniel" -- a cheer from the studio audience, most of whom sported "Team Daniel" paraphernalia of one kind or another -- "as Magdeburg has quite a formidable army."
Bubba grabbed her telestrator pen and circled the number of transports. "I have to disagree, Jimbo. With so little transport capacity, the Georgian army has more people in theater and can easily crush the superior technology of the Germans with minimal cost."
"You may be right. Let's watch!"
As the screen showed "January 7, 1672", the voice-over announcer said -- with a ridiculously awful Southern drawl -- that Castille had signed a military access agreement with Georgia.
"A very savvy move, Jimbo. This lets the Georgians drive out the small army in Trebizon. Since the rebels in Imereti are actually Georgian, they'll let the army pass with no problem."
"Georgian rebels, you say, Bubba? I guess the South has risen again!" A canned laugh track played, although nobody seemed to notice.
"Bubba" lost it. "That doesn't even make sense! Look, I'm tired of this stupid charade. The research department screwed up; why do you insist on forcing it?"
"It's called journalistic integrity!"
"You're not even a journalist! You're a car wash model that slept with the producer!"
"So? You're Unitarian!"
At that point, a crash sounded on the TV. Bill, isn't this taped?
"Yep."
So why did they leave this stuff in -- oh wait, never mind. That will boost ratings.
Bill nodded with a glassy eyed expression as he stared intently at the two commentators, who were quickly losing their "period" costumes. After a few moments and a "Technical Difficulties" message, the show continued. Since the new commentators were in proper Georgian costume, were not female, and insisted on actually analyzing the match, Bill muted the volume.
That's a good break; the war with Yemen is over now.
"Yeah, but look how much war exhaustion Georgia took from their win in Trebizon! That doesn't bode well."
One of the bar's patrons cursed. "Why couldn't Georgia have taken 600 casualties? They almost beat the spread!"
"You should have taken Georgia and ignored the spread."
"Ignore this, jerk!" After a few moments of fisticuffs, Bill's bouncer ate them both. And to think people had called him a fool for making a great white shark one of his bouncers!
On March 16, 1673, Georgia lost its entire navy; a couple of other patrons cheered, as they'd picked "First half, 1673" for the destruction of the navy in the pool.
Death walked in as they were showing the results for three more battles.
Looks good for Daniel's team, eh Chaos?
Shut up.
Order's a better guide than you ever were.
Yeah well, in the immortal words of noted philosopher Philip J. Fry, your face is as dumb as a butt!
Death rolled his eyes. You watch too much TV.
It's all I have to do now; I'd cleared my schedule for this bet.
I'd promised Order he'd have until 1700. The good news for you is that we're going to 20 year periods at that point.
All right! Chaos pumped his fist in celebration.
By 1674, it looked Daniel had already won, but appearances could be deceiving.
Another victory at Trebizon. Hey wait, where did that army come from?
I think Magdeburg hid in Armenia, which is Milan's territory.
Why didn't the skintube chase them?
I dunno. Seems odd that Order would have missed that.
Missed what?
Chaos and Death turned around to see Order standing there. Um, Odor, why aren't you with the meatbag?
Mr. Carlson insisted he could handle things on his own.
What is he this time?
I made him head of the regency council this time. I felt really bad for the whole Danish business a while back.
What's up with that, idiot?
Look, Chaos, I'm not as into interfering with mortals as you. I'm out of practice.
I'll practice you!
Order simply sided and turned to Death. How's Mr. Carlson doing now?
There's a second landing at Georgia. They've only got 3 regiments, but they've also got cannon, and they're sieging territories too quickly.
There we go -- a big win over Hamburg in Georgia!
Yes, but Magdeburg still holds Alania and Kartli. Even with Trebizon liberated, that's a lot of cash off of his table.
All three watched silently as Daniel took another serious beating in a so-called 'victory.'
The sound of a glass breaking announced that one of the patron's had lost a double or nothing bet; by the ancient rules of Bill's, that meant he lost three planets and a binary star system.
Tough break for that guy.
He was up on the day, but he couldn't let it go.
Kenny Rogers was right. You have to know when to fold them.
All three sat in contemplation of his ancient wisdom. By August 1675, it looked Daniel had finally rid himself of Magdeburg's troops.
All that remained was to regain his territory in Alania and Kartli. Then, of course, Magdeburg invaded at Trebizon. Again.
I regret leaving Mr. Carlson; he must be getting very frustrated.
Hey, he's been a dumb human his whole life. I bet he's gotten used to it.
Order glared. I meant at having to play whack-a-mole with the Magdeburg army.
Oh, right. Sorry. Of course, Chaos's apology had all the sincerity of the car salesman who "inadvertently" forgot about the nagging problems in a used car.
Look at that! It looks like Daniel finally did it! Death pointed to the screen, which read "June 10, 1677." Daniel had already retaken Alania and Kartli, and now he'd defeated Magdeburg yet again.
Not so fast, brother. Chaos saw the revolt of Qarabaghian nationalists and Georgian peasants. Georgia's war exhaustion from all of their "victories" was nearly lethal; it was at 19.45/19.
By December 5, 1678, the rebels had been vanquished and all territory retaken, but Castille had also defeated Imereti's rebels, meaning they would not get a free province. At the end of the month, Algiers surrendered a province and Daniel finally was able to negotiate a peace.
As Milan held Abkhazia, that was a wise move. Unfortunately for the poor gambler, it meant that Georgia was considered "a loss", as Daniel could not gain any new territory thanks to the regency council. With no real recourse, he charged at one of Bill's other bouncers -- a specially trained bear, equipped with chainsaws for hands, lasers that shot out of its eyes, and a flamethrower mounted in his chest -- with predictable results. Daniel reached 1682 without incident and arrived at Bill's a few moments later.
"Hello, Order. Thanks for letting me take that one."
We were all pulling for you, Mr. Carlson.
I wasn't.
Everybody ignored him. "Where are we going next?"
Our first return engagement; we're going back to Ethiopia!
At the sound of Ethiopia, Chaos ran screaming from the room. All that was left behind was a small mass of hair on his bar stool.
The remains of his beard.
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I thought seriously about ignoring Ethiopia, since I didn't really want to repeat, but I prefer to stick to the rules whenever possible, and they are at war, albeit a war they've pretty much already won.
AI Georgia lost 2 provinces and gained 4...I'm terrible at this game lol.
anyway hurray for Ethiopia will Daniel be an owl this time?
anyway hurray for Ethiopia will Daniel be an owl this time?
hmm, Magdeburgs been quite an annoyance to Daniel in the past few updates, it'd be interesting to see what happens if RNG picks Magdeburg
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Ethiopia again?
Wonderful!
maybe Daniel should ask for a souvenir, so he doesn't have to be afraid of Chaos anymore.
Wonderful!
maybe Daniel should ask for a souvenir, so he doesn't have to be afraid of Chaos anymore.
Not everyone agrees with you, apparently
See above.
AI Georgia lost 2 provinces and gained 4...I'm terrible at this game lol.
anyway hurray for Ethiopia will Daniel be an owl this time?
Haven't decided yet; haven't even played yet.
hmm, Magdeburgs been quite an annoyance to Daniel in the past few updates, it'd be interesting to see what happens if RNG picks Magdeburg
Magdeburg is quickly becoming the only other player in Germany, apart from Bohemia.
I see Chaos is still afraid of the High Chief, even if he should be dead by now!
I'm not entirely sure how I'll work it in, although the High Chief is most certainly dead. This is Order, now, since we confirmed Chaos will be back in 1700 (along with 20 year updates instead of 10.)
Ethiopia? Could be interesting to see the difference...
Will we see a state of the world in 1700?
Will we see a state of the world in 1700?
Ethiopia? Could be interesting to see the difference...
Will we see a state of the world in 1700?
I'll probably throw in a couple of maps for sure. If there's something you're dying to see, let me know and if I've got spots for screenshots, I'll put them in.
I think so too.
Well, even though I'm on spring break (yay!) I have lots of papers to grade (boo!). I'd like to say there'll be an update this week, but I'm making no promises at this point.
I have to say that I am really enjoying reading this AAR and I'm looking forward to the return to Ethiopia. Also, was that a reference to the film Wargames in the Flanders update?
Welcome to the Forums!
Good eye, that was indeed a reference to Wargames.I should update here, almost certainly, by Tuesday.
Most excellent, I'm sure that Daniel will find Ethiopia more taxing this time aroundWelcome to the Forums!
I should update here, almost certainly, by Tuesday.
Most excellent, I'm sure that Daniel will find Ethiopia more taxing this time around
Oh, he does. He does. ::nods::
Without spoiling the surprise, we have yet another return engagement after Ethiopia, according to the RNG. I know Tanzhang was quite firmly against return engagements, but the rest of you seemed in favor. That being true, I want to get everybody's opinion on it before I update and reveal the name of said country. Return engagements or no?
I'm also having trouble thinking of good jokes, so I'm going to have to delay the update in any case
For me it is perfectly fine with return engagements/re-visits. It will be fun to see how they are doing after a couple of years. BTW, I hope you end in Mataram.
For me it is perfectly fine with return engagements/re-visits. It will be fun to see how they are doing after a couple of years. BTW, I hope you end in Mataram.
This, also...
I HOPE YOU HAVE MORE RELIGION CHANGE BAD-THINGS. So you can use my mod... and I can become a famous modder. >_>
