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I've never had Persian waffles before, what do they taste like?
Ethiopia should be more fun, after all they have enough money for a proper sign.
Ethiopia should be more fun, after all they have enough money for a proper sign.
Very good question. I assume that waffles, like mathematics and possibly love, are universal.
Ethiopia will be more fun, definitely, as they are not bankrupt.
so if I buy waffles at Darius' and no Jihad do I get my money back?
Epic update, Ethiopia should be interesting.
I also like the fact that every single country Daniel has been to has gone insane and declared the throne heir to itself.
Epic update, Ethiopia should be interesting.
I also like the fact that every single country Daniel has been to has gone insane and declared the throne heir to itself.
so if I buy waffles at Darius' and no Jihad do I get my money back?
Epic update, Ethiopia should be interesting.
I also like the fact that every single country Daniel has been to has gone insane and declared the throne heir to itself.
The Jihad is separate from the waffles business.
I though the Khan was very sane.
I agree. The Khan did what was best for his country. In between attempting to lose it in poker matches.
W-w-whaaaa?
Damn, my financial plan in ruins
Also, I was referring to countries, not specific rulers.
Yes. Or rather, trying to win not being Khan.
W-w-whaaaa?
Damn, my financial plan in ruins
Also, I was referring to countries, not specific rulers.
Ah; that is very true.
Ethiopia: The Ethiopia Method
Ready to be Great Spirit Badger again?
"There aren't many pagan nations left; I'd be a fool to say no."
Well, you're still a fool, but you've been badgered!
Daniel zipped off to the high shaman's temple. The shaman looked down at the small woodland creature. "May I help you?"
"I am the Great Spirit Badger! I am here to guide your realm to greatness!" The shaman blinked, unmoved. "You must worship me, for I am your god!"
"We have many gods; what makes you so great?"
Daniel tried to puff up and roar as best he could. "DO NOT BLASPHEME OR I SHALL UNLEASH MY HOLY VENGEANCE! BOW BEFORE ME"
The shaman picked up his ceremonial staff and struck Daniel right on the noggin. "Forgive my lack of faith, but you appear quite mortal to me."
Daniel gnashed his teeth, which only earned him another thwack on the head. "Stop doing that!"
"If you are truly the Great Spirit Badger, you will stop me."
He's got you there, champ.
Daniel leapt for the shaman's throat and was struck betwixt the eyes a third time. "He's good with that staff."
Yes, he is. Do you want my help?
"Please."
All right then. Leave everything to me.
With Chaos taking over, the timber of Daniel's voice changed considerably. YOU HAVE ANGERED ME FOR THE LAST TIME, WORM! ACKNOWLEDGE MY SUPERIORITY OR I SHALL UNLEASH A SPELL OF UNSPEAKABLE POWER!
The shaman wound up and hit the Chaos badger so hard he slid across the room. ON YOUR HEAD BE IT! KILL_HEIR ETH!
The regency council ran in screaming. "The Heir is dead, High Shaman! What shall we do?"
YOU WILL ALL ACKNOWLEDGE THE GREAT SPIRIT BADGER AS YOUR UNHOLY MASTER!
"Chaos, holy master!"
OH. RIGHT. EXCUSE ME. HOLY MASTER!
The council badgered the shaman (sorry) into accepting the Great Spirit Badger's guidance.
Now that's how you strike terror into the hearts of men! It's all yours, meat bag. Don't say I never gave you nothing.
"That's a triple negative."
So is your stupid face.
On the one hand, Daniel was pleased that the Ethiopians had accepted his rule so readily, and had even chuckled a bit when Chaos felt the pain of being slammed across the room. On the other hand, even Chaos's insults were getting less and less worrisome. Was something changing for Daniel? Was he becoming immune to criticism, and thus a better person? Or was he developing a darker side?
Nah, he's just too wimpy to fight back.
Oh, okay.
Yeah, character development is for losers.
All right then. So, anyway, Daniel is in power now, but there's a regency. Let's just move on.
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The Great Spirit Badger trotted alongside the shaman. "Shaman, why are your soldiers so ineffective?"
The shaman made as if to grab his staff, but remembered the consequences last time and decided to just answer the question. "We defeated the rebels and retook our land. What's ineffective about that?"
"Your casualties are horrendous! How can you call that a victory?"
"It doesn't matter how many people you lose, just that you don't lose."
Now that's a philosophy I can get behind!
"That's a very callous way of looking at things." The shaman shrugged. As Daniel was about to criticize the shaman further, he noticed that every person who was supposedly dead walking back to camp. "But... how?"
The shaman grinned. "Part of Ethiopian army training is training yourself to appear dead after the most minor of flesh wounds. Then, when the enemy grows overconfident, you crush them."
Daniel nodded approvingly. "I have looked over many tribes, shaman, and you are by far the most intelligent tribe I've ever worked with. Would you like to be the new High Chief?"
The shaman thought for a moment. "I would be honored to take such a title. I accept."
"Then by my power as Great Spirit Badger, I name you High Chief Ba'eda II."
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Things were peaceful until 1623. Then, a noted explorer of Ethiopia founded the colony of Ogaden, which gave them a border with Iraq for the first time.
High Chief Ba'eda II pounded his staff on the ground, calling for silence. "My tribespeople, we must strike soon! The infidels of Iraq are busy with the infidels of Castille. After they finish tearing each other apart, we shall bring them to their knees!"
That was a good speech.
"It was, wasn't it?"
I'd suspect him of being a LELF, but he's much too smart.
"I thought you were all high and mighty?"
Chaos was offended. I am a PELF, not a LELF. Learn the distinction, idiot. The only beings that ever existed that even approach me are Death and Odor.
"Why do you always insult Order, but never Death?"
Chaos shivered. That dude is seriously creepy. Plus, he's the only person I've never won a bet from. That commands respect.
"I've never heard you say nice things about any one before."
That's because I hang out with you, birdbrain.
"Badger brain."
For once, Chaos was speechless. Daniel chalked that up as an even more impressive victory than his progress thus far in Ethiopia.
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It was another three years, but by February 1626, Castille and Iraq had signed a peace treaty -- understandably, not in Iraq's favor -- and the High Chief made his move, declaring war on Iraq.
The Battle of Ifat -- more like YOU fat, fatty! AH HAH HAH HAH HAH -- ahem, Ifat, went poorly, yet once again, Ethiopia claimed a victory.
"High Chief, that's nearly 100 to 1 casualties."
"Yes, well, they have muskets and we have spears. What do you expect? You know, Great Spirit Badger, you really haven't done much since you killed the heir."
"I've kept your economy running!"
"Yes, but we were fine before you got here."
"I keep your people inspired!"
"No, victory keeps them inspired. You keep them terrified. There's a difference."
"Wait a minute, that wasn't me! I didn't kill the badger, that was Chaos!" As soon as Daniel completed the sentence, he knew he'd put his foot in his mouth.
Good move, dunce. All right, High Chief, it's like this. We're leaving in 1629. Do what he says until then, and I won't turn your brain into pudding.
"I will not be threatened, Demon."
I approve of your courage, Chief, but don't push it. I've slain entire civilizations without so much as a thought. Let's keep this civil. The High Chief threatened to golf the Great Spirit Badger into the Red Sea. Chaos caught him this time, however, and ripped the staff out of his hand, snapping it in half. All right, meat bag. Pudding time! Yet as Chaos pushed on the High Chief's brain, he found a surprising amount of resistance. Normally, a slight nudge would break somebody's mind open like a walnut. Not this time. With quiet satisfaction, the High Chief nodded once and turned away.
"Chaos... what happened?"
I... don't know. I don't know.
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A stunning victory over Iraq resulted in two new provinces being added to Ethiopia.
When the Mamluks declared war in 1629, the High Chief got them to back down in what was little more than a staring contest.
Daniel was actually worried; Chaos had been silent at this point for years. He still felt the demon's presence in his brain, but that was all. When 1630 rolled around and it was time to leave, Daniel went to say goodbye to the High Chief.
The Chief smiled, but warily. "I know you are no god, Great Spirit Badger. I don't know what you are, but you are not a god. I would keep the demon in check, were I you. Only my shaman's training kept him at bay, and only barely."
Daniel thanked the Chief and turned to leave. Chaos snarled savagely. I wouldn't be so sure you're going to survive, human.
"Chaos, what did you do that for? I liked the high chief!"
Listen, mortal, I'll only tell you this once. You and your fellow vermin are like candles to be snuffed out, when and how I want. That anybody has the gall to resist me is bad enough, but to have the ability to resist me is very, very wrong.
"That sounds like pride."
Chaos scoffed. You know, I won't say you're wrong. But it's more than pride. One of the only things that keeps the world -- indeed, time itself -- spinning is my interference. I keep civilizations from stagnating. I make sure no ideology is ever too strong or too entrenched. I give power to idiots and take it from geniuses because sometimes humans, no matter how smart or capable, can't handle power. Do you know what would happen without me?
"I don't."
Neither do I, but I can guess. Without change, life will cease to exist. Rocks can live for thousands of years, even millions, with relatively no change. Living creatures are not rocks, but neither are they gases, to flow freely and endlessly.
"So that's why you set Castille against him?"
Yes. He must learn that immunity to change is a flaw, not an asset, for to resist me is to resist change. I will have a long talk with my brothers on this.
"I... think I understand."
But do you know something? I want him fail. I need him to fail. And yet, I may weep when he does. For something special will have been destroyed.
Daniel asked Chaos where they were going next. His one word response was Portugal.
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The darker tone of this update -- particularly the ending -- is not a permanent thing, so please don't be frightened off by it.
EDIT: Oh, and the power that's controlling Mexico? It's the Dutch, not the Aztec. There sure is egg on my face!
TBH, I didn't really like that last update. For a start, Ethiopia isn't Pagan! Hopefully Portugal will be an improvement.
Somehow, in this game, it is. I'm as surprised as you are. I, of course, know that Ethiopia converted to Orthodox Christian sometime in the 12th or 13th century
Portugal?
Hey, the RNG was nice to you! That's not allowed!
Well, seeing how Portugal is a 2PM and has no colonies (Castille colonized the Azores), it wasn't too nice.
I'm with Daniel, the High priest seemed a nice chap.
And wait...
the high priest knew what Daniel was...
so...
Mind = Blown
first an archbishop, now a high priest... which religion's next?
And wait...
the high priest knew what Daniel was...
so...
Mind = Blown
first an archbishop, now a high priest... which religion's next?
An Imam? Uh...Monk?
Looks like the shaman went "Like a boss" route, not for long tough
Looks like the shaman went "Like a boss" route, not for long tough
Well, the High Chief knew that Daniel was wrong, but he didn't know who he was.
An Imam? Uh...Monk?
Looks like the shaman went "Like a boss" route, not for long tough
Not sure I follow you here -- what do you mean by "like a boss"?
Should update again on Tuesday; maybe Wednesday. With no colonies, I'm stunned that Portugal has survived this long; I fear Daniel and Chaos will see that come to an end.