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Looking forward to what Ming will bring, Daniel as a Eunuch maybe?
Since Daniel has Chaos's powers, he gets to pick his own appearance. If he voluntarily chose to be a concubine or eunuch, well, that would say a lot about Daniel, wouldn't it?
Wait... if Daniel has Chaos powers, can he appear as Chaos' true form (the one which can depopulate China just with it's look?)
...Daniel should do that against the Oirats.
"YOU CUT MY HEAD OFF? WELL TASTE THIS *the entire Oirat Khanate dies*"
"YOU CUT MY HEAD OFF? WELL TASTE THIS *the entire Oirat Khanate dies*"
So...
if Daniel has all Chaos powers then he should be able to look at Chaos' true form without going insane :unsure:
and then....change it to a fluffy bunny!
It would be worth the shocks just for the laugh that Order and Death would have for eternity.
if Daniel has all Chaos powers then he should be able to look at Chaos' true form without going insane :unsure:
and then....change it to a fluffy bunny!
It would be worth the shocks just for the laugh that Order and Death would have for eternity.
I think he would go as a Manchurian tax controller called Lan Zhu.
I'm still going for concubine...I think Daniel is a bit weird.
Lan Zhu +1
So...
if Daniel has all Chaos powers then he should be able to look at Chaos' true form without going insane :unsure:
and then....change it to a fluffy bunny!
It would be worth the shocks just for the laugh that Order and Death would have for eternity.
Great reference to Lan Zhu!
I'm going to start working on the update now, so we can put the speculation to rest.
Ming: The power of role reversal
Daniel Carlson found teleportation to be much easier when he controlled it, which was one of Chaos's many powers that he'd absorbed as a result of Order's kindness. It wasn't as many powers as he'd hoped, but as Order explained, certain powers were impossible to control without Chaos's years of experience. He couldn't create new LELFs, assume Chaos's true form, control where they were going, or time travel. However, his list of actual abilities was quite significant.
Assume any form he wanted
Immortality
Telepathy
Mind control
Channel energy in any form he saw fit
Kill any living thing any way he wanted to
Destroy any inanimate object in any way
Summon any creature or object temporarily
Order had set a few other ground rules, including "no blowing up the Earth", but they were all fairly reasonable. When Daniel and Chaos materialized in Ming, Daniel took the opportunity to choose his form. He produced a mirror and smiled.
Okay, seriously?! You have unlimited power, can literally be any person you've ever wanted to be, and choose to be... yourself?
"Well, if you look closely, I'm slightly taller."
Chaos screamed. This is going to be absolute torture.
Daniel grinned evilly. "I'm sorry you feel that. EAT 500,000 VOLTS, YOU INSUFFERABLE JERK!" For the first time in his existence, Chaos knew pain.
He didn't like it. Not one bit. I'll be good. Chaos whimpered.
Daniel examined the map of Ming.
Daniel's smile grew very wide when he looked at the factions. "Excellent! The bureaucrats are in power. Those are people I can understand. This will be our best adventure yet, Chaos!"
Chaos grumbled and groused, but didn't say anything. Daniel zapped him again just for good measure.
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Daniel leaned inward as he waited for the punchline to the joke.
"And he says, 'Of course not, darling! It was only 6.75485806%, not 7.45069403%!'"
As Daniel and his bureaucrats burst into laughter, Chaos could barely restrain himself. Okay, Danny boy, this is pure Hell. You understand? Hell! And I've actually been to Hell! It's great, it has blackjack tables, prostitutes, you name it. It's even got an open bar!
Daniel shivered. "It sounds terrible. Anyway, I have no time for you, demon. I am busy running my mighty Empire!"
At exactly that moment, one of the palace boys ran in screaming. "Honored Emperor, Light of Heaven, rebels have arisen! We must mobilize our forces."
Daniel nodded grimly. "We must do what we must."
That was the first of many rebellions; -2 stability in an Empire the size of Ming is nothing to mess around with.
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By 1551, Daniel was living the dream, as he saw it. He was surrounded by beautiful women, waited on hand and foot.
Chaos was doing his best to not get shocked, and usually failing. Look, Danny, I don't get it. You have more concubines than there are grains of sand, and what do you do? You teach them math!
"Math? Are you insane?! I would never teach math to a concubine."
Oh, that's a relief, for a minute --
"I am teaching them the fundamentals of tax preparation. There is nothing more desirable in a woman than her ability to understand how to itemize deductions!"
Chaos actually burst out sobbing. You have incalculable power, the ability to break people to your will, and you waste it on spreading your inane tax code? At least sleep with one them, for crying out loud!
Daniel was offended. "Sleep with a woman to whom I am not married? Don't be absurd."
Chaos's mouth opened, then closed, then opened again, then closed again, but no words came out.
Daniel called for his chief aide, a Manchurian named Lan Zhuang. "Mr. Lan, could you tell me how our colonists are doing in the Kazakh lands?"
Lan Zhuang looked confused. "Emperor, we cannot colonize the Kazakh lands."
"Why not?"
"Do you not recall what it takes to explore in Ming?"
Daniel looked furtively. "Let's say I've had a little too much to drink."
Lan Zhuang shrugged. "First you go to navigation school, then you learn modern languages, then you get castrated, then you hire a crew, then you plan your route, and finally, you set up a colony."
Daniel's eyes unfocused for a moment. "What was the third one again?"
"Hire a crew."
"No, that was fourth."
Lan Zhuang blushed. "I am so sorry, sir! You get castrated."
Daniel coughed. "Um. Why?"
His aide chuckled. "Fertile men are only interested in colonizing females, Emperor. We need men of strength and character to handle such difficult work!"
"I see. So, no colonizing then?"
"Not unless the Eunuchs take over, sir. I'm afraid that seems quite unlikely."
Daniel tapped his fingers on the arm of his throne. "Can we encourage them somehow? It seems kind of pointless to fight wars, killing good taxpayers, and not getting additional taxpayers in return."
"You could embrace your reputation as a maniacal psychopath, sir. For some reason that will also make us more stable!"
"Then let's do that."
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In the end, no matter what Daniel tried, the Bureaucrats firmly controlled the Celestial Empire. He asked Chaos for advice, but Chaos was too busy sulking about his latest electrocution. Even for Daniel, life got boring. There were rebellions, attacks by hordes (except for his loyal vassal, the Oirat Horde), then more rebellions, and occasionally people cheating on examinations. An excited Eunuch told him he'd discovered a way to transmute gold into lead; Daniel tried to convince him that that wasn't the least bit valuable, but he looked so happy that Daniel congratulated him anyways.
The one positive thing Daniel's actions had done was earn the Mandate of Heaven, which seemed nice until he lost it again.
Chaos told him that history said that the Emperor died on June 15, 1555. Daniel "died", then appointed himself regent. To prevent people from thinking he was the same person, he wore a t-shirt that said "Not the Emperor." This fooled a surprising number of people. Even back then, the Chinese had a saying: "He who wears a shirt dipped in tea will have the strength of a thousand lotuses." Nobody knew what that meant, but they did have the saying.
"You know what, Chaos? I'm actually getting bored. It's rebellions and hordes all day and every day. I thought it would be fun running a big Empire, but it isn't."
Sorry, champ. You've hit upon one of the few things I -- well, you -- can't do. We can't ignore the parameters of the game. Well, we could, if we modded it, but modding is cheating, and I'm not a cheater.
"You cheat all the time!"
Well, sure, I cheat, who doesn't cheat, but I don't lie.
"You lied less than a minute ago!"
Okay, I lie, and I cheat, but I don't feed the bears at the zoo. Well, okay, I do that too.
"And what's this about a game anyway?"
Chaos sighed. You want the truth? Fine. Your life, indeed all of our lives, are part of a computer game. Some jerk types what happens in the game, makes up some bad jokes, and people read it for some reason. You don't even exist. You're a fictional character! I'm a fictional character! THE WHOLE FREAKING SYSTEM'S OUT OF ORDER! Wait, sorry, wrong reference.
"How do I know you aren't lying?"
Because I'm telling you I'm not lying.
"But wouldn't a LIAR say he isn't lying?"
So would somebody telling the truth.
"A truthful person wouldn't have to say he isn't lying, because he always told the truth. Thus, the expectation would always be that he was lying. Unless, of course, he said that he was lying, which would clearly have to be a lie, since he only tells the truth. But then again..."
You know what? I give up. It's time to move on anyways.
Before Chaos and Daniel prepared to leave, Order interrupted them.
Mr. Carlson, so you don't try something you can't do, I wanted to let you know it's still random where you end up. Other than that, enjoy Chaos's powers.
"Okay. Thanks, Order!"
Yeah, thanks, Odor. FOR NOTHING! AH HA HA HA HAH ---- BLEARGH!!!
Daniel smiled. Just the amount of time he saved in hearing Chaos laugh stupidly made the whole thing worth it.
Of course, they were going to Bali next, which was an OPM, so he had a feeling that he'd hear Chaos laugh some more.
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I really tried to work Lan Zhu into this, but we're about 100 years early from an NRI perspective. Still, I hope you enjoyed it. Maneuvering the factions in Ming is surprisingly hard!
Oh, and Daniel was obviously not a eunuch
That was amazingly funny! He has dozens of concubines...so he teaches them the tax code! Oh my...that's wonderful. Your best update yet...and that's stiff competition!
Best. Joke. Ever.
I really enjoyed that update, especially the bits about the concubines, the "Not the Emperor" T-shirt and above all, Chaos getting chocked for a change.
Oh god that is awesome.
Nice update, and nice job getting Lan Zhu in in some strange way
It was surprisingly enjoyable to read about Chaos getting zapped. Daniel is certainly changing though. Sure, he still teaches beautiful women tax code, but he also gets bored!
Character growth! : )
Character growth! : )
Thanks very much!
I was going to use paint to draw two stick figures, one with the shirt, and one with out. Then it hit me: I have all of the artistic ability of a salmon. A salmon that's in the process of being eaten by a bear.
Oh god that is awesome.
Nice update, and nice job getting Lan Zhu in in some strange way
Thanks!
I seriously considered ending Daniel having Chaos's powers, but I think it's got some more legs on it yet. I think it's pretty impressive that he stayed so similar for over 150 years!
You cannot possibly have worse drawing skills than me!
So, what's going to happen in Bali? apart from no tax officers
here is a simple drawing in paint I did after you said you have no skills.... took me 5 minutes
here is a simple drawing in paint I did after you said you have no skills.... took me 5 minutes
Brilliant!