A Descent into Madness: A Random EU 3 AAR

[Rendap]

This sounds absolutely crazy!

Subbed.

[Avindian]

here we go

Thanks for the list of events; very nice!

This writing style reminds me of something, though it's fuzzy at the moment.
It goes without saying this is most excellent! Go Chaos!

Thanks for the kind words! There's a bunch of writing styles that I admire -- the all time favorite is probably Douglas Adams, which there's a hint of here, but it's hard to narrow down one specific author.

Oh, I have an idea for a possible random event, maybe something like having to keep the treasury slider at maximum for the entire duration of the turn, or activating an event that gives you a bit of inflation until you hit a nice amount gained (10-15 points or so).

That's a good idea; I'll add it to the list! (The max treasury slider idea.)

That's amazingly funny. Nicely done!

Gold Rush...wasn't the one I meant. I meant Monetary Reforms one we all hate. Sorry.

Oh yeah... that one I fear every day (shudders); it's on the list!

Ooooh, Nice idea, very original I'll definitely follow this!

Here's an idea - Obsessive Compulsion: one finance slider must be kept max for the entire turn.

That's a neat idea; great idea!

This should be fun! Go Chaos!
10 years is a short time to do something useful though, so I wonder.
-hopes for some weird african or indian tribe to be the first country-

It is kind of short, I have to admit, but the goal is to keep poor Daniel moving throughout the world.

Question for you loyal readers: mechanically, is it smarter to save, quit, switch countries, and reload, or just use the tag change cheat? I'd like to avoid weirdness if at all possible.

[Fenrir 1576]

I've heard that tag switching can muddle up the AI in some instances, so for the sake of keeping things from being too zany (wait, isn't that the point?) you should probably save, quit, and reload.

[CivandEUIII]

I've heard that tag switching can muddle up the AI in some instances, so for the sake of keeping things from being too zany (wait, isn't that the point?) you should probably save, quit, and reload.

that's too dull. that's what the main character would do.

[il_loco]

I will definitely follow this. One addition to an event: Must change government to the one with the biggest stability hit ie. the most drastic change. And two event suggestion one harsh, the other mild: If available, loss of legitimacy by half and as a mild event, instant death/sacking of all advisors.

Two more: Insult all neighbors, cancel at least one royal marriage.

[Memento Mori]

-hopes for some weird african or indian tribe to be the first country-

Well, you must hope for the aar to end quickly then (unless you mean Indian Indian or Northern Islamic African country as opposed to the American Indians or sub-Saharan Africans ) because these strange life forms do not have many neighbours and once all of them are done for the aar would be over.

[Sethanon]

Well, you must hope for the aar to end quickly then (unless you mean Indian Indian or Northern Islamic African country as opposed to the American Indians or sub-Saharan Africans ) because these strange life forms do not have many neighbours and once all of them are done for the aar would be over.

I meant the latter, however if I read the first post correctly the next country he plays doesn't have to be a neighbour of the former. So Im not worried about the AAR ending too soon!

[SouthernKing]

Chaos is an interesting entity sometimes.

[Avindian]

I've heard that tag switching can muddle up the AI in some instances, so for the sake of keeping things from being too zany (wait, isn't that the point?) you should probably save, quit, and reload.

that's too dull. that's what the main character would do.

I was initially concerned about crashes; if it's weird stuff for the AI, then I'm all for it!

I will definitely follow this. One addition to an event: Must change government to the one with the biggest stability hit ie. the most drastic change. And two event suggestion one harsh, the other mild: If available, loss of legitimacy by half and as a mild event, instant death/sacking of all advisors.

Two more: Insult all neighbors, cancel at least one royal marriage.

Glad to have you aboard, although with your name, I should not be too surprised. The instant death/sacking of all advisors will be added to the list; I'm not sure how to pull off the legitimacy trick (although you did give me an idea for an infamy generating event!)

Well, you must hope for the aar to end quickly then (unless you mean Indian Indian or Northern Islamic African country as opposed to the American Indians or sub-Saharan Africans ) because these strange life forms do not have many neighbours and once all of them are done for the aar would be over.

I meant the latter, however if I read the first post correctly the next country he plays doesn't have to be a neighbour of the former. So Im not worried about the AAR ending too soon!

Sethanon has it right; the country choice will be entirely random. Order (that is, I) may intervene if it's too dull, but I'd rather let that be as random as possible.

Chaos is an interesting entity sometimes.

I certainly hope so!

I'm going to update NRI now, then I'll play my first country (which I still don't know yet); keep suggesting random events, since I want at least 20 to keep things spicy!

[Avindian]

This sounds absolutely crazy!

Subbed.

Sorry I missed your comment, but glad to have you along!

[Avindian]

Our first country will be (drum roll please!) .... Assam!

I got 19, 19, 1, for ASS (apparently the random number generator is very opinionated), after 10 iterations. So you don't think I'm tricking you, here were the other results. If you can find another country in here, just by rearranging the letters in a group, let me know and we'll automatically add it to the list.

KOF
11 15 6

BCG

7 3 2

NVN

14 22 14

LNK 

12 14 11

BIG

2 9 7

H S D

8 19 4

F K N

6 11 14

K M P
11 13 16

K M D
11 13 4

S S A
19 19 1

And our random catastrophe is... #15, or instant death for our poor heir.

I'm going to start playing now, expect an update tomorrow or Monday.

[Duke of Britain]

When youre going to change countries, don't use tag change, or else your old country won't be controlled by the AI, and your new will be controlled by both you and the AI!

[Derahan]

Assam is an interesting choice...never played it myself though, will be fun to see how this ends up

[Avindian]

When youre going to change countries, don't use tag change, or else your old country won't be controlled by the AI, and your new will be controlled by both you and the AI!

Then I will definitely save and reload; thanks for the heads up.

Assam is an interesting choice...never played it myself though, will be fun to see how this ends up

I didn't even know where it was until I loaded the game; that probably reflects poorly on me though.

A question: is 10 years too short? Should I make it 15 or 20 years per country? I'm done with Assam, and should have the first of probably two updates for it up tonight, so this would apply to the next country I end up with.

Pro: Knowing I only have ten years to make an impact makes me much more aggressive and frantic than I otherwise would be.
Con: This isn't necessarily a good thing

Let me know what you think; I'll try to get the first update up tonight!

Also, I noticed that I still got inflation despite setting inflation to "none"; does that only apply to AI countries?

[Sethanon]

I'd say, give it a test run with 2 countries for 10 years. If it feels too short try 15 or 20 years. Then we should be fine for the rest of the campaign.

[gela1212]

See, at first I was like "Hmm, interesting title, might read this later," and then I was like "Eh, I'll read it now," and then I saw the name of the author and I was like "AVINDIAN. Must devour words."

Er. Anyway, subscribed.

[Avindian]

I'd say, give it a test run with 2 countries for 10 years. If it feels too short try 15 or 20 years. Then we should be fine for the rest of the campaign.

That's a very sensible approach; I think I'll take you up on it!

See, at first I was like "Hmm, interesting title, might read this later," and then I was like "Eh, I'll read it now," and then I saw the name of the author and I was like "AVINDIAN. Must devour words."

Er. Anyway, subscribed.

High praise indeed, coming from you!

[Avindian]

Assam, part 1

Welcome to Assam, Danny boy.

"Er, thank you. And what exactly is an Assam?"

Here, look at this. Don't worry, it's invisible and only you and the readers can see it. You know, so you don't look batty.



"Looks like a nice little country. And they seem to be fiscally solvent, too. That's always important."

Fiscally solvent? That's your first comment?! Well, just for that, I'm going to make your life a little more... fun.

"What's that? ... Wait a minute, my clothes weren't bloody before."

::evil laughter::



"But... I didn't kill him? It seems I would remember that."

Well, technically, I killed him. However, legally, I'm not sure the King will recognize the distinction. They're animists -- maybe you can convince them the Great Spirit Badger is unhappy with them or something.

"Why on Earth would you kill him?"

::sigh:: I'm Chaos, dummy. I live for carnage. Also, if you're too boring, I can take over your body. Did I forget to mention that?

"You did."

Oh well, not my problem. You're in the driver's seat now!

Of course, just at that very moment, the King approached Daniel, seeing his son violently and brutally slaughtered at the former tax accountant's feet.

"Did you kill my son, stranger?"

Oh, this should be good.

Daniel thought as quickly as he could. "I am... er... the Great Spirit Badger! You have dishonored me, and I have punished you. If you do not do exactly as I say, well... there will be consequences! Terrible consequences."

The King stopped for a moment and cocked his head. A very strange expression crossed his face.

I don't think he bought it, Danny.

"Stranger, you are clearly insane, and are therefore not liable for your actions. Great Spirit Badger, indeed. Do you take us for fools?"

"No, sir. I'm just, well, possessed by an evil demon and have been forced to act against my better nature."

Hey, I resent that! True Chaos requires acts of kindness and evil!

The King nodded sadly. "Stranger, you may come along. Please do me the courtesy of washing off my son's blood before you enter the castle."

Daniel vigorously nodded. "Oh, absolutely, kind sir. It wouldn't do to get your lovely castle dirty."

"See that you don't."

Once the King left to rejoin his caravan, Daniel addressed Chaos.

"That was a lucky break. I'm surprised he wasn't more worked up about his son."

Danno, luck had nothing to do with it. I was so delighted by your response that I altered his mind to welcome you instead of having your head severed.

"You can control minds?"

Of course I can. I'm Chaos! There's nothing I can't do. Well, there is one thing, but that's more a matter of 'Court-ordered not to' than 'can't.' You understand.

"I suppose. Can I have a little more information about this country we're supposed to be running?"

Oh, certainly, Danarama. Here you go.





"Right. Wait a minute, what's this about attacking Tibet?"

Just a suggestion. A very strongly worded suggestion that resisting might force me to snap your mind like a twig.

"We've only got 1000 soldiers; attacking Tibet seems like suicide. What if we attacked someone else instead?"

Hmm... Ming?

"I was thinking of Manipur."

Coward. All right, this once, I'll let you off the hook. Next time you get a mission from me though, you'd better damn well do it. Or else!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Arriving at the palace a few days later, Daniel and Chaos find it a little underwhelming.

"Aren't palaces supposed to be majestic? This one looks pretty plain."

It is a small country. Do you think palaces grow on trees?

"Well, many of them are made out of wood..."

All right, smart guy. Next crack out of you and I'll give you uncontrollable diarrhea.

"Fair enough."

The King met them at the front door, clad in battle garb. "Ah, the stranger. I am sorry I cannot be a better host, but I have to go fight our enemies. Make yourself comfortable."

Daniel bowed. "It is honor to be your guest, sir. Will we be staying in the palace?", gesturing at the small hut in front of them.

The King had that strange look come over his face again. "That hut, my new friend, is for our chickens. You can stay there if you wish, but the palace is another day's journey up the road."

Hah hah hah! Got you good, Danny.

"Oh, of course. I knew that, I was just making a joke."

"Not a very good one."

"Right. Sorry about that. So where are you off to?"

The King sighed. "Apparently, our new ally, Gondwana, has gotten us in a war with our neighbor to the west, Bengal, and as befits our tradition, I am leading our army into battle personally."





"Good luck then, my liege. May you return safely!"

The King grunted and left.

This should be fun, Danny boy. We have the run of the country while His Idiocy is off fighting!

"Did you have something to do with all this?"

Why, I am insulted, Daniel Carlson. ... Insulted that you have to ask!

The sound of delirious laughter occurring in his own head felt very, very wrong. Still, Daniel had survived, in a foreign country, in a foreign time. That was actually a little encouraging.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Daniel and his inner demon (pun intended) didn't see the King again until April of 1400. The initial invasion had gone very well, and with his soldiers occupying the realm of Koch, he took a little time out for himself.







That randy old goat got lucky! Good for him! It's been eons since I've had any.

"Aren't you an incorporeal demon? How exactly can you, you know?"

What, have sex? The same way porcupines do. Very carefully!

Again, more raucous laughter. Daniel tried to ignore it, with limited success. He decided to change the subject.

"So why exactly are you here, in me, anyway?"

That sobered up Chaos. Well, as I said, I lost a bet. Order and I have had this, well, conflict since the beginning of time itself. At first, it was epic, with lots of explosions, the lives of the unborn screaming for mercy, interdimensional travel, a few good beers, and so forth. But when two immortal beings fight, they can't really hurt each other. So we have to fight by proxy. That's where you come in.

"So I'm fighting for Order?" Daniel immediately regretted that, as a fresh torrent of laughter spilled through his skull.

You should be a comedian. You can't possibly fight me, for anybody, because once I'm inside you've already lost. There's no exorcisms or banishments or anything like that. Save that for the movies.

"You mean I'll never be rid of you?"

Now you're just being hurtful. We're pals, Dan the man! I'm frankly wounded that you've grown to dislike me so quickly.

"Perish the thought."

Well, Mr. Grumpy, no, I will set you free in 1821, Scout's honor. You are a proxy, but you're actually my proxy, not Order's. The bet is simple. I have 421 years -- less now -- to disrupt history and time the best I can. Order thinks Time is self-healing; I think it isn't. We've both had a score to settle with that broad ever since that one night --

"I'm sure the memories are touching, but what has this to do with me?"

Spoilsport. Well, to be blunt, you are the least important person in the history of time and space. Your presence, by itself, will have absolutely no impact on anything. That way it's scientific and stuff. You aren't a variable because you have absolutely no personality, except what I give you. Frankly, if I could, I would just manifest and do everything myself, but well, my sheer existence would drive a person mad just upon looking at me, so that's hardly fair.

"I do have feelings, you know."

Who cares? Anyway, if I win, and I break the space-time continuum for this version of reality, I get unrestricted access to any reality I want for as long as I want. If I lose, I have to pay Order's bar tab.

"That sounds disproportionate to me."

I know, right? That's what I told him! My own reality is hardly worth paying even one-tenth of his bar tab. The man likes his whiskey.

"And what happens to me?"

I'm sure we could get you some whiskey, if that's what you're after.

"Thanks, but I meant after the 421 years."

Oh, right. We'll probably put you right back in your old life before the bus hit you. You'll be completely unharmed, and I'll scrub your memories so the impact of living for four hundred years doesn't permanently derange you. I'll even throw in a promotion for you.

"That's surprisingly nice of you."

I know, I'm great, right?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Daniel had been in the past for just over a year -- it was December of 1400. The war with Bengal was over, despite some setbacks for the King.



Daniel had actually hoped that Assam seized some land and annexed it, since he genuinely wanted his newly adopted country to do well, and to leave it a little better once he left. Despite inflicting a number of enemy casualties, the King had proven to fundamentally be a coward, and ran off the moment his personal safety was threatened. To soothe his wounded ego, the King surrounded himself with a court of new advisors, funded by some wealthy aristocrats.



So far, Daniel had hardly intervened in daily life. He did convince the aristocrats to finance the kingdom's economy for a couple of years, which 100 ducats did nicely. The gesture actually made Chaos throw up, which is quite possibly the most unnerving thing a demon can do entirely within your own head. As punishment, Daniel (really Chaos) offered to watch and clean the young heir to the throne every day for two months.

Daniel suspected that Chaos was angry because the war was over. Bengal had surrendered a province to Gondwana, and that was that. Chaos mumbled something about people in the 14th and 15th century having no passion, hoping for more destruction in the next country, and in general the unfairness of being saddled with a loser like Daniel. Chaos finally confronted Daniel.

Hey, moron, why did you convince the aristocrats to pay off the king for failing?

"Why, is there something wrong helping others?"

Of course not. That's the problem! I only win the bet if there's chaos and destruction, not good will. Don't you want me to win?

"Not especially, no."

You ungrateful little brat! I give you immortality, the ability to influence others, and teleportation, and all you can say is 'not especially, no'? I'm trying to make your miserable life interesting, to elevate your consciousness! Don't you want to live, to experience everything a meat bag like you can possibly experience?

"Not especially, no."

GRAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHH!

Daniel paid for that one. Chaos forced him to climb the Himalayas and threw him off, repeatedly, for three solid days. The pain was excruciating, Daniel had completely lost the use of one arm and one leg, and perhaps worst of all, Daniel's brain was so badly damaged that he could only remember the last fifteen audits he'd done.

Still, it seemed worth it to have shut Chaos up for 72 hours.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
After the Himalayan ordeal, Daniel actually felt a little sorry for Chaos. Well, as much as you can feel sorry for a demon. The tax accountant knew that Chaos wanted a new war really badly, and so he gave him one. A war against Manipur, the small country to the south.



Chaos was delighted at the news, which immediately made Daniel regret his decision. In fact, he was now sorry he'd ever felt sorry. Instead of weeks of silence, grumping, and misery, he had weeks of laughter and insults. He much preferred the former, but he was afraid he'd never get an opportunity again.

"It's been months. Can you tell me what's so darned funny?"

Ha hah hah hah hah!

"Please?"

Chaos laughed for another forty-five minutes, then took just a moment to explain between laughs.

"Can... you... read... a... map... you... simian... dolt?!"

Daniel, with horror, consulted the battle reports. After an initial success, Assam suffered defeat after defeat.







In fact, all he'd managed to do was get the entire army slaughtered twice. One of his decisions -- reducing the army's maintenance costs -- had backfired in an awful way. Assam was now completely occupied, and at the mercy of the invaders.

See, Danny, Assam's allies were either held by rebels or miles away; Manipur's were right on the border! You expected to fight off three countries with 2000 troops?

"Well, I did hire mercenaries."

Oh, you sure did. That dunderhead King threw them away too! What a maroon! And you wanted to help these fools? Look, since you've done so much more to destroy this kingdom than I ever could, I'm willing to teleport us out right now, in 1402, instead of making you wait.

Daniel set his jaw and shook his head. A meaningless gesture, since Chaos couldn't see it, but it was a nice effort.

"No, I shall stick it out. You underestimate these brave people; I am certain they will prevail, in the end."

This only caused fresh peals of laughter and gave Daniel a splitting headache.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
By October of 1402, it was all over. Assam had first capitulated to Pegu, then Ceylon.





Daniel was humiliated. He'd actually set the country back years. The poor King had absolutely no idea what Hindus were, and was mortified when he was told that he could no longer sacrifice cows to the Great Bovine Spirit in the sky. Perhaps worst of all, he'd taken out 50 ducats in loans for financial stability.

Chaos wasn't helping. He'd gone from laughter to genuine concern, which was actually much much worse for Daniel. Chaos was worried that Daniel would do something like decapitate himself, which of course wouldn't kill him, but would wreck the body he was in, and the procedure for jumping bodies and countries was exhausting, even for the demon Chaos.

Come on, champ. Don't get so down! If it makes you feel any better, the thousands of lives you wasted needlessly have given me a leg up on my bet.

"It does not."

What I can do to help? I can get you money, power, fame, women, ... men? Help me out here.

"No, thank you."

There must be something you want. You like helping people, right? We could do some of that. I'll even restrain my gag reflex for you.

Daniel sighed. "You're missing the point. It's the guilt. I've never so much as hurt a fly, and now I'm responsible for the death of thousands of humans."

So? It isn't like there aren't plenty more where that came from. Don't be so depressed. You know, I could completely erase your capacity for guilt.

"Really? You can do that?"

Sure! I can change any human emotion. Oh, wait. Not yours. Damn.

Daniel started for a moment. "Wait, you can't adjust my emotions?"

He actually felt Chaos sulk for a moment. You're my vessel. For the bet to be legitimate, I can't cheat, and that means I can't alter you in any way, apart from the immortality and the rest of that. So you have complete free will when I don't seize control of your body, and I only get to do that so often. Other people, no problem, but not you.

"That's... good to know."

Yeah? You know, I know all kinds of stuff you might be interested in. Ever wonder what happened to Kennedy?

"Kind of. Was that you?"

Well, I can't take all the credit. See...

As Daniel heard what really happened, he completely forgot about his depression.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It was nearing his five year anniversary in the past. Daniel had already learned quite a bit from Chaos. Naturally, Chaos had wanted to talk about wars, killing, riots, and destruction, but the demon had also witnessed thousands of years of tax policy. Daniel's greatest fantasy was to write his own tax code, and Chaos was only too happy to oblige. Well, happy might be a strong word. More like, Chaos obliged because it distracted Daniel from his overbearing guilt, and did so with a minimum of complaining and insults.

"And what if the properties were zoned residential, but used for a commercial purpose?"

Seriously, Danny boy? We've spent the past year talking about zoning law. Don't you want to know how many people you can kill with an ax before dulling a blade? The answer might surprise you!

"That's too gruesome for me. Look, I'll compromise -- why don't you tell me what would happen if a professional executioner conducted business in his home?"

Well, I guess it would depend on... Look! A knock at the door!

"Oh, drat. I guess I'll see who it is."

It was the king's uncle and wife. The King was dead, and his son was too young to rule.

"I'm so sorry to hear that, but what can I do?"

The uncle nervously replied. "Well, he left instructions in his will. You are the new King of Assam until the son is old enough to rule."

"I see. I shall do my best, then."

"Oh, and by the way? His cousin is really mad about that, and he's sworn to see you torn limb from limb. He's headed this way with an army."

Daniel gulped. Chaos grinned.

The next five years or so were going to be terrible/fun, depending on whom you asked.


----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I initially had 20 screenshots for this update, but I came to a revelation. This AAR, unlike my others, isn't actually about the gameplay -- it's about the characters. So I'm going to be much less detailed with specific events; less about individual battles and so forth. It will be as much about the characters as humanly (or perhaps demonly) possible.

Next update should be later on next week. Until then, try not to get too crazy!

[Ashantai]

I think this is one of the greatest updates ever in an AAR. It was brilliantly funny, very interesting, and great characters! A+!

[gela1212]

I agree with Ashantai! Fantastic stuff.