Ryukyu: Daniel is expected?!
Welcome to Ryukyu, Daniel-san. For once, that actually makes sense!
"Thanks, Chaos."
You're in luck. I've made you a badger!
"Why is that lucky?"
Remember Assam? Well, these guys actually do believe in the Great Spirit Badger. So you're actually a talking badger.
"I suppose that's something."
Something got you down, champ?
Daniel sighed. "It's the constant failure."
Cheer up, buddy! I'm succeeding. You can be happy for me!
"Can't I succeed?"
Chaos scoffed.
Of course not, meat head. If you succeed -- thus providing order and stability to a region that didn't otherwise have it -- I fail. Your specific purpose is only to give me a vessel with which to influence the world. Unfortunately, I have to let you have free will, or I'd just have every country declare war on every other country. The bet is that I, Chaos, acting through you, personality bereft robot, break a world so badly that I cause a rift in space and time. If I win, I get to use all of my talents to destroy an entire universe in any way I'd like. If I lose, I pay Order's bar tab.
"Then why not pick a powerful country and let me run it into the ground?"
Because I'm Chaos, stupid. There has to be some randomness involved or it's no fun.
"Sometimes, you don't make any sense."
Chaos blushed.
Why, thank you!
They approached the ruling palace, which was oddly enough unpainted wood. Even the sign over the door said "This Space for Rent." Daniel tapped on the door with a forepaw, and the shaman answered.
"Behold, ye mortal, for I am the Great Spi--"
"You're late."
Even Chaos was dumbfounded by that one.
"You didn't let me finish, I was about to say that I --"
"Am the Great Spirit Badger. Yes, I know. Pleased to meet you. Now, do you want to come in or not?"
"Uh, sure."
"Here's a map of the kingdom and our economy."
Here's your mission.
Daniel asked Chaos what was going on; Chaos shrugged, which scared Daniel more than anything else he'd seen thus far.
"My Lord? The Badger is here."
An exasperated "Finally!" was heard from the throne room. Of course, I use term very loosely. It was less a throne than a log, and less a room than two walls, a roof, and half of a floor.
Daniel-san, Spirit Badger and very confused accountant/tax lawyer, saw Ei I Chin, the ruler of Ryukyu.
"What took you so long?"
"Um..."
Ei I Chin had the look of a man that was tired of explaining something, but had to explain it yet again. "We of Ryukyu are gifted -- cursed, more likely -- with the ability to see our fates. This is true in every possible universe. Around 1399 or so -- it's always that year for some reason -- we become aware of our impending doom. Sure, in a few isolated universes we succeed gloriously. Some times we even conquer the world! But for the most part destruction is our fate. Within ten years of every Game we are snuffed out. It is almost law."
Daniel was about ready to concede his sanity then and there. "Game?"
The King's eyes narrowed. "Surely the Great Spirit Badger knows of the Games?"
"I'm, uh, new."
"I see... In any event, we are doomed to non-existence in nearly every possible reality. In other realities, they put up spirited defenses. In this one, I chose to simply plan for the eventual defeat of our country."
He jerked his thumb towards a pile of banners, some of which said "Greetings Invaders!", "Make Yourselves at Home!", and Chaos's favorite, "I, For One, Welcome Our New Overlords."
(Apologies to Kent Brockman.)
"Isn't that kind of bleak?"
Ei shrugged. "Why spend money and time building structures that will get knocked over anyways?"
Daniel couldn't counter that one, so he tried another tactic. "But you seem to be doing so well! You have some of the best technology in the entire world."
"We had to do something while we waited for our inevitable doom."
"So perhaps your visions are wrong?"
Ei I Chan looked at Daniel like he'd grown a fourth head. "The visions... wrong?"
"Sure!"
"Everything I've ever known suggests you're mistaken, but then, you
are the Great Spirit Badger... perhaps you're right. What do you recommend, O Badger of the Sky?"
Daniel quickly scanned the map and chose a weak target. "Let us attack...
"Brunei!"
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It was not the most thrilling of wars, especially since the entire Ryukyu army -- 2000 brave soldiers -- could not fit on the mighty fleet of four ships. Ei ordered a cog built, but it took over 200 days to finish, probably because the shipyards were only staffed by three old men, a young boy, and a man who swore up and down he was a naval hero when he wasn't just swearing from his copious intake of alcohol.
Daniel stepped out to see the progress before the brave soldiers debarked for Brunei.
Ei bowed to Daniel. "Great Badger, you have inspired us with hope. I will personally lead our men into battle. Would you like to come, O Spirit?"
"I am so confident in your success that I do not feel the need to intervene personally, Ei, Lord of the Ryukyu. In fact, I should intervene on the sides of your enemies, just to make the fight fair!"
With a huge smile, Ei bowed one last time and boarded the ship.
The Ei that returned four months later had a very different attitude.
"I do not wish to question your spiritual wisdom, Great Badger, but could you perhaps explain why hundreds of my men are dead and we had to flee?"
Daniel knew he was on shaky ground. "Uh, you know what they say, if at first you don't succeed, try, try again!"
Ei took a moment to puzzle that one out. "And what if we are defeated again?"
"You keep trying until you do!"
"I see. Will you honor us with your presence this time?"
"The Great Spirit Badger helps those who help themselves!" He quickly ran off before Ei could ask any more questions.
You're on top of your game, Daniel-san.
"Why did they lose, anyhow? Shouldn't the Brunei jungles have given them better terrain?"
Chaos shrugged.
Who knows? Maybe the other guys were actually trying to win instead of relying upon an ethereal quadruped.
Daniel nodded. "Is there anything I can to do to help him?"
Chaos laughed.
You're a badger. What are you going to do, bite the enemy army on the ankle?
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It was New Year's Day, 1500. While Ei Chin looked after his new army, Daniel scampered along beside him.
"3,000 troops this time?"
"Indeed. We've also built another ship to carry us to Brunei. You're sure we'll win this time?"
"Before I got here, noble Ei, you were ready to surrender. It is your faith and courage that determine whether you shall win."
You're getting pretty good at the meaningless platitudes.
Ei nodded. "I have received this offer of peace from Brunei; should I accept it?"
Daniel blacked out for a few moments. When he awakened, Ei was running with a furious growl towards the ships.
"What just happened?"
I helped you out some.
"They look pretty mad."
I told them 'White Peace' was Brunei's way of saying that his... equipment was inferior.
"Why did you take over?"
I was getting bored. There just aren't any good puns to be made from Ryukyu or Brunei.
"Poor guy."
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By November 1501, Ei returned. Instead of returning with the head of the Sultan of Brunei on a pike, he returned with no soldiers. He was crying.
"O, Badger of Eternity, what are we to do? We won two great victories, but the Unbelievers simply kept going! My entire army has been routed!"
Daniel's remark, an unhelpful, "Oh dear! That's no good at all!" did nothing to relieve Ei's misery.
"You are the incarnation of one of our mightiest gods! Can you not smite them down?"
Ooo, this should be good.
"Well, you see, the planets have to be in alignment, and, uh, Mars especially needs to be in the tenth house..."
Ei came to a horrifying realization. "Are you... not the Great Spirit Badger at all?"
Daniel looked nervously about. "Why, Ei, don't be absurd! Of course I'm the Great Spirit Badger!"
Ei sat down with a thud. "This whole time... you're just a simple talking badger!"
Chaos whined,
I would hardly call a talking badger simple. That's pretty hard, you know!
"Now, see here, King of Ryukyu, you must try again!"
Screaming children interrupted Daniel's brilliant inspirational speech. "The men from Brunei! They are coming to kill us all!"
Ei started crying again. "I've been fooled! I never should have trusted you! I even had the palace carpenter finish the floor! I planned on ordering a third wall! But you... you gave me nothing but false hope! YEEEEAAARRRGGGHHHH!"
As the King ran at the badger, his second-in-command stopped him. "Sire! I must order you to abdicate on charges of blasphemy and insanity!"
"Mighty Badger Who Knows and Sees All, I apologize for Ei. This was obviously a test of our faith. We shall now accept their offer of White Peace! They'll listen to reason, right?"
When Daniel fidgeted, the new King started to grow a little concerned himself. "Should I get the banners?"
"It couldn't hurt."
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As the Sultan of Brunei loudly proclaimed to an audience of a few assorted livestock that he was now Lord and Master of all Ryukyu, Daniel watched from a fair distance away.
Being a God wasn't easy, was it?
"You're telling me! At least when I was a spear, I was useful."
It's usually not good to pretend to be a god unless you can back it up. Like this, for example.
After a zap to Daniel's brain, Chaos sighed with contentment at the American's shrieks of agony. After a few minutes, Daniel regained consciousness.
Oh, and we're staying in Asia. We're going to join the Oirat Horde.
"That doesn't sound so bad."
Not as bad as this!
Chaos cackled as he zapped Daniel again, this time three times as hard. Daniel faded to black.
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As a special New Year's bonus, here's a map of the world in 1503, shortly after I jump to the Oirat Horde but before Ryukyu gets annexed.