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Another half-baked episode of Descent into Madness! :D :p

Heh. At first I was offended, then I got the joke ;)

I'll probably update again Tuesday; NRI is currently in the queue to be updated next.
 
Flanders: In a war between lions, the lion always wins. Unless he doesn't.

Daniel Carlson checked the nearest calendar; ah, yes. 1672. Time to leave. But it was more than that. It was time to reflect on one of his greatest experiments. A journal. Order had recommended it as a way to keep his sanity while he traveled throughout the ages. Daniel had asked if that was cheating. Order replied that it probably was. With no further comment from Order, Daniel thought it best to look on. He opened his journal and began to read.

The journal of Daniel Carlson
Please, if you don't mind, don't read this.
Unless, of course, the journal fell open as you picked it up by mistake. Maybe to clean or something? In which case, it's okay to read this page, but please read no further.
Actually, come to think of it, this might make a gripping book someday, and I'd hate to prevent anybody who spent their hard-earned cash to purchase this book or check it out from their local library from reading it. So, in fact, if you do find this, go ahead and read it. In fact, I insist.
Unless you're Chaos.
.
.
Seriously. Chaos, if you're reading this, you can go and -- wait, that wouldn't be family appropriate. I think you all know what I mean, especially Chaos. So Chaos, put it down. I mean it. The consequences will be harsh if you don't.

February 1, 1662

7:00 AM: I woke up somewhere on the North Sea called Flanders. I'm a human again, which is positively delightful, as being a danish for ten years is no easy task. However, I appear to be female. More specifically, a female fruit merchant. Since I agree that one needs plenty of vitamin C in one's diet, this seems a perfectly respectable occupation. I attempted to communicate with my fellow Flanders; after they all seemed puzzled at my form of address, Order quickly corrected me. It appears that true men of Flanders do not call each other "neighborinos." I appear to have mistaken the country from a cartoon gentleman. How embarrassing. This is the Flanders I am in; note the lack of mustaches.

flandersmapecon.jpg


I am very pleased with a scintillating economic record. Of course, it looks even better with no army, but Order unfortunately insisted. He told me the native language was Flemish. After spitting on several men, only one of whom seemed to enjoy it, he quickly, again, corrected my misapprehension. Flemish, or so I am told, has nothing to with phlegm. With that little faux pas out of the way, I've made many new friends today. My honeydews have gotten plenty of attention.

7:45 AM: It turns out that the lads commenting on my "Nice melons" were not referring to fruit. I have duly noted this and will not let it happen again.

7:46 AM: They are nice, though.

10:30 AM: After a couple of hours of selling fruit for no discernible reason, as I don't really need income, Order gives me my mission.

missionzj.jpg


That's a tall order. Vlaandern belongs to Liege; Liege has 95,000 soldiers. I have zero. I don't like those odds. Still, the only way to get done what I need to get done is to gain the trust of the King. In exchange for a quick feel of my melons, a kindly old man showed me the way to the palace.

10:31 AM: Not those melons, you pervert.

10:32 AM: You know what? That was unfair of me. You might not have been thinking that at all. I apologize.

10:33 AM: Order reminds me that most readers probably did think I meant those rivers, so I retract my earlier apology.

4:00 PM: I meet the King, Jan III. I shared my plans for a well-managed portfolio for Flanders and her people, assuring the maximum level of yield with absolutely no risk. Jan III told me that if I gave him an hour with my melons, he'd make me Queen and I could do whatever wanted.

4:01 PM: No, this time, I did mean those melons, I'm afraid.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
November 11, 1662

I have been Queen for nine months. At first, I thought the King was an insensitive jerk and a total incompetent, until I got to know him closer. Then I learned that he also possesses extreme levels of flatulence.

Order tells me that I should include jokes like the one immediately above, that it will make my book more entertaining to read. He knows best. At the same time I must clarify that the King's traits, both physical and mental, really are abhorrent. There's no humor in that. There is in this, however.

One time, when I was at the accounting firm, a colleague was bragging about he'd done quite well for himself by lying effectively and getting out of an audit. The boss, shocked by such impropriety, ordered a new audit immediately, only to find out later that the colleague was bragging about convincing a car dealer not to sell him an Audi, and that audits had nothing to do with it. Unfortunately, the audit went through anyway, and it turned out he owed over $500,000 in back taxes and was embezzling from the company, so he was sent to prison. You know, in retrospect, that probably wasn't that funny for him. Or me, since I had to take over his clients.

Order has changed his mind about including jokes now, for some reason.

The relevant event du jour is that Flanders is now defender of the Reformed Faith.

defenderofthefaith.jpg

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
May 22, 1664

My dear husband King Jan has decided to declare war on Holland.

wartime.jpg


Bohemia has no intention of honoring the alliance; you might consider that the Netherlands did to be unfortunate, but at this stage, the Netherlands are located entirely within Mexico. They are not a serious threat. Unlike audits. Audits are very serious.

Order thought it would spice up the journal if I included my carnal relations with the King. However, it turned out that he had no idea how humans mated, and when I described it to him, he vomited all over the place. Given that he is purely a spirit in my head, I cannot stress enough how unpleasant that sensation actually was. Say, that's quite a witty one-liner! "Vomit is the body's audit." It has the double benefit of rhyming as well, so it's sure to be a successful catchphrase.

Order has decided that from now on he's going to write the journal entries. He's such a nice fellow, always offering to take up the more mundane tasks for me.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
July 4, 1664

Good afternoon, dear readers. I, of course, am the PELF Order, and I have decided to help Mr. Carlson keep his journal. I can't promise my telling will be any more exciting than Mr. Carlson's, but it should be a great deal more readable, I should think. Today there was a battle in Antwerp.

antwerpen.jpg


Mr. Carlson insists I tell you all that the last ruler of Flanders was such a fool that he let a foreign power -- Baden -- monopolize his CoT. Foolish indeed.

I should probably write a few words about the battle. Um. Lots of humans died, but more humans from Holland did. This is called a "victory." Go team, I suppose.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
October 31, 1664

King Jan III has decided to lead his particular humans into battle against the other humans personally.

kingincharge.jpg


The King taking the field was my idea, I must admit. That meant less... um... you know. Great! Now I'm thinking about it again!

[The next couple of sentences are unreadable, for some reason.]

attle of Zeeland.

zeeland.jpg


I'm going to let Mr. Carlson write here again; it will probably make the journal easier to read.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
July 29, 1665

6:00 PM: Flanders is victorious!

hollandisdead.jpg


The King wanted me to help him celebrate by displaying my melons. I informed him that, as Queen, I no longer had the desire to sell fruit any longer. He lecherously indicated he was not talking about fruit. I indicated that I was talking about fruit, and that if we were going to have any sort of productive conversation, we should agree on what precisely we meant by melons. The King stated he was "no longer in the mood" and that he would just "visit one of the castle maids." I informed him that it was highly unlikely that she would be a produce grower.

6:01 PM: Oh.

6:05 PM: I wonder if Order would consent to making sure I'm not female in the future. It would prevent further misunderstandings of this nature, I'm sure.

6:06 PM: Order said no. Well, I tried.

7:30 PM: I'm genuinely worried about Order; he gets sick an awful lot these days. The King was visiting with one of his minds in the chamber next to mine. I'm not sure what Order was so worried about. The King seemed quite pleased by what I'm certain was a very satisfying game of chess.

7:31 PM: Oh, again.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
April 28, 1666

Netherlands won't give up; the King wanted to take his entire army and invade, but when I told him he would have to swim across the Atlantic Ocean to get there, he changed his mind. An uncommonly wise move on his part, I'm sure.
We have made the city of Antwerp a commercial paradise; we have a March (for defense), extensive shipbuilding facilities, and key government buildings to ensure effective administration. With money flowing into our coffers at very reasonable levels, I have no doubt we will easily pass any audits asked of us.

[Note from Order: Mr. Carlson, there are no audits in the 17th century.]

That... can't be. No... audits? A world without audits? But how can you make sure everybody pays their fair share of taxes? Where's the accountability?

[Note from Order: Mr. Carlson, you're thrown into prison or beheaded for not paying the proper amount of taxes.]

Oh. You know, I like that. Very reasonable, swift justice. Regardless, today is significant for our great victory over the Dutch navy.

coastofholland.jpg


It really wasn't all that difficult, since this navy had to travel across the Atlantic with no bases; given our superior numbers of War Galleons, victory was all but assured, I'd say. We even captured one of their frigates. A truly remarkable day all around.

You know, I wonder if the King would let me conduct an audit or two?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
May 18, 1667

The Netherlands finally came to their senses and accepted a white peace. That's today's only bit of good news. I attended my first audit the other day; it was certainly exciting, as the noble in question begged for forgiveness and insisted that he would pay his back taxes as soon as he could. The King ordered the noble beheaded, which seems quite an efficient way to ensure regular enforcement of the tax laws. Unfortunately, the King seemed confused when I asked to see the audit paperwork. I reassured him that I approved of his judgment, but I was curious to see what their tax forms looked like. The King told me there were no tax forms; the Minister of Finance was responsible for making sure the proper amount was collected, but not who paid it.

[The next three pages are doodles in Order's handwriting; it seems that the shock of judgment with no bureaucracy caused Daniel to faint. The doodles are Tic-Tac-Toe games, every single one of them tied. The only legible remark is the following: "How interesting. It looks Tic-Tac-Toe is virtually unwinnable unless your opponent is vastly inferior. The only way to win may, in fact, be not to play. It's not nice and decisive, like thermonuclear war."]
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
July 21, 1671

Liege attacked us!

liegewar.jpg


It's upsetting because Liege has many friends and we have none, like my colleague who is currently serving a five year stretch in a maximum security prison. It's not the same colleague as before; this one robbed a liquor store and severely wounded the owner. He's one of those who join accounting firms because they like to hurt people. If you're thinking that my colleague might have some "friends" in the style of a gritty crime drama's prison population, my colleague is just a terrible person that nobody likes. Nobody even likes him enough for, you know, that. He can't be a prison rat because the warden doesn't like him either. His cell doesn't have a single cockroach, because they all think he's disgusting and unpleasant to be around.

Where was I? Yes, we have no allies. Given that Liege alone has nearly 10 times as many troops as we do, I doubt this will end well.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
January, 1672

Well, we survived. Liege won, as you might expect.

antwerpen2b.jpg


However, the peace deal was relatively mild; we lost our new province, but kept everything else.

liegewins.jpg


The remainder of my time has gone without incident. No references to fresh produce, no unpleasantness within my own head. Just good, clean, 17th century living.

It looks like our next destination is Georgia. Not the state, the country. Don't worry, I was confused too.

I am also Jerky McJerk, the jerkiest jerk who ever lived. Jerk jerk jerk jerk jerk jerk. You might say I'm made of dried meat; call me Beef Jerk-y. I'm Caribbean, like Jerk-ed chicken.

[Chaos closed the journal chuckling. That'll show the twerp who's boss!]
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This is purely experimental; if you like it, I might use the journal format again. Georgia is already in a fairly serious war, so we should have some good times there.
 
It was awesome! All these audit jokes and huh, a king got married, because he wanted to eat fruit? :huh:

And it was even better, because yesterday I started writing a diary as well :rofl: (seriously, I even dug out from somewhere an ink pen for this occasion, which remembers the Cold War)

I guess this form should not be abused, but once in a while it would be fun! Especially while Chaos takes over again...
 
It was awesome! All these audit jokes and huh, a king got married, because he wanted to eat fruit? :huh:

And it was even better, because yesterday I started writing a diary as well :rofl: (seriously, I even dug out from somewhere an ink pen for this occasion, which remembers the Cold War)

I guess this form should not be abused, but once in a while it would be fun! Especially while Chaos takes over again...

Thanks for the feedback!
 
Poor Danielle. She'll get used to it EVENTUAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLYYYYYYYY.
 
That... Liege... I-I think I'l have a little lie-dow *faints*
*recovers*
Ah, nice update though, very funny, and some very wise observations on tic-tac-toe.
 
Go team, I suppose.
:rofl:
Nice to see Order has the appropriate response for the (current) home team.
Apparently in other timelines, thermonuclear war can be decisive. Interesting. I wonder exactly what decisive means in megatons and megadeaths...Thomas Power might be proud.
Also nice to see that Daniel...lla whatever can still be shocked by the procedures of the 17th century especially surrounding tax collection and uhm enforcement.
Georgia...well at least Atlanta won't get burned on Daniel's watch! (Yes, I know its the other one...)
 
Poor Danielle. She'll get used to it EVENTUAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLYYYYYYYY.

He does seem to get used to an awful lot.

That... Liege... I-I think I'l have a little lie-dow *faints*
*recovers*
Ah, nice update though, very funny, and some very wise observations on tic-tac-toe.

Thanks for the comments! I'm surprised by uber-Liege as much as you; given that there's no France either, Western Europe is definitely... weird.

Go team, I suppose.
:rofl:
Nice to see Order has the appropriate response for the (current) home team.
Apparently in other timelines, thermonuclear war can be decisive. Interesting. I wonder exactly what decisive means in megatons and megadeaths...Thomas Power might be proud.
Also nice to see that Daniel...lla whatever can still be shocked by the procedures of the 17th century especially surrounding tax collection and uhm enforcement.
Georgia...well at least Atlanta won't get burned on Daniel's watch! (Yes, I know its the other one...)

I didn't say it would be a decisive victory for anybody. ;)
 
Thanks for the comments! I'm surprised by uber-Liege as much as you; given that there's no France either, Western Europe is definitely... weird.
No France?
*faints again*
 
I liked the diary format, but as someone else said, the more you use it, the less funny it likely will be. I am also impressed by uber-Liege, but I guess that's the kind of thing that happens when France gets inherited by Bohemia.
 
No France?
*faints again*

You might want to get that looked at ;)

I liked the diary format, but as someone else said, the more you use it, the less funny it likely will be. I am also impressed by uber-Liege, but I guess that's the kind of thing that happens when France gets inherited by Bohemia.

Yeah... this is not your granddaddy's Europe, that's for sure!

Lol at the audit part hope you succeed with georgia.

Thanks!
 
Too bad Danielle's a once in 50 years thing. I'd laugh if some sort of fuck up occurred and he was stuck as it for several nations.

But Avindian, promise me you'll have a Danielle segment in the Vicky2 one. Victorian-style clothing is such a pain, lol.
 
Too bad Danielle's a once in 50 years thing. I'd laugh if some sort of fuck up occurred and he was stuck as it for several nations.

But Avindian, promise me you'll have a Danielle segment in the Vicky2 one. Victorian-style clothing is such a pain, lol.

That's a very good idea; I almost certainly will!
 
*sprays hot drink all over keyboard* (if I had one right now :p)

That... is... Liege??

Wow.

Agree with others on the journal format, it's great - nice as a change of pace too - but don't overuse it.
 
*sprays hot drink all over keyboard* (if I had one right now :p)

That... is... Liege??

Wow.

Agree with others on the journal format, it's great - nice as a change of pace too - but don't overuse it.

Disclaimer: The author of this AAR is not responsible for any damage to computer peripherals, loss of beverages, or repairing nasal damage from having soda shoot out of your nose. ;)
 
That's a very good idea; I almost certainly will!

Awesome, because sometimes I do lolita (Japanese phenomenon where girls dress in cute Victorian-style clothing), and it's kinda annoying in some cases. lmao.

Also, when will Daniel visit Japan? Ungh.
 
Awesome, because sometimes I do lolita (Japanese phenomenon where girls dress in cute Victorian-style clothing), and it's kinda annoying in some cases. lmao.

Also, when will Daniel visit Japan? Ungh.

I can't say; maybe never. Your first sentence both confuses and frightens me. :huh: