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Thread: A Descent into Madness: A Random EU 3 AAR

  1. #541
    People's Commissar of the Navy Demi Moderator Avindian's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Tanzhang (譚張) View Post
    From a story point of view I think the Victorian age is far more limiting than the late Medieval era: you couldn't have things like witch burning and the Great Spirit Badger unless you stuck with Uncivs. Nevertheless Avindian, I'm sure you could think of something to make a Victorian sequel interesting for us readers.
    Quote Originally Posted by CivandEUIII View Post
    Like mentioned before, a bureaucrat like Daniel will head off to a colony.
    So nothing changes
    Quote Originally Posted by Tanzhang (譚張) View Post
    You couldn't run a country from a colony though, could you?
    Quote Originally Posted by CivandEUIII View Post
    *desperately* B-b-but you can run the colonies, can't you?
    I think industrializing a country would be right in Daniel's bailiwick, but you're right about having a little less freedom for story purposes, unless I go with ridiculous stereotypes or something.

    Also, and this completely blew my mind.

    Bali survived. For the ten years. And got bigger!

    You'll see what happens tomorrow night when I update again.
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  2. #542
    People's Commissar of the Navy Demi Moderator Avindian's Avatar
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    Bali: In the long run, we're all dead*


    *Apologies to John Maynard Keynes.





    Most men, given the kind of power that Daniel Carlson possessed, would go mad and be corrupted almost instantly. Not Daniel. Well, he did get corrupted almost instantly, but his idea of "mad" and our idea of "mad" are quite different. We might think, "Go mad with power? Let's blow up planets, force people into hilarious but awkward positions, and make the populations of every known world hang on our every whim!"

    No? That's just me? Okay, fine.

    Still, Daniel's idea of "mad" is less impressive. His idea of "mad" is "Let's wait until April 1 to turn in our tax forms! No, that's silly talk. Better turn it in January 2nd like always. But the post office won't be open! Well, okay, that's asking for trouble. What if something happens? You need to get a receipt. I know! We'll use black ink instead of blue ink! HAH! That's insanity, my friends!"

    By the time Daniel and Chaos arrived in Bali, Chaos was fuming. The one power Daniel had abused was shocking Chaos. A small victory for Chaos, to be sure, as Daniel would never have intentionally hurt somebody prior to their adventures, but a victory largely at Chaos's expense: his least favorite kind of victory. Chaos's one hope was that, being an OPM, they wouldn't be in Bali very long.

    He had not counted on Daniel. The tax accountant, summoning all of his creativity, made a drastic change. Instead of settling for his traditional blue sport coat, white dress shirt, blue trousers, black shoes, and yellow tie, he chose a blue sport coat, white dress shirt, blue trousers, black shoes, yellow tie... and a hat!


    Hat! Not pictured: Daniel Carlson

    (Note: This is literally the first hat I found in Google images after searching for "hat!", from a site that apparently specializes in stock images of hats. It is also, apparently, a woman's hat.)

    Can I ask you something, Danny?

    "I don't see why not."

    Are you trying to be the most boring person in the universe or is it just a gift? Please, don't shock me, it's an honest question.

    Daniel shrugged. "It's the way I was taught to live my life. Every day exactly the same for maximum efficiency."

    Have you ever fallen in love?

    "Nope."

    Ever gambled?

    "Heavens no!"

    Kissed a girl?

    "Does my mother count?"

    Chaos gagged. That's wrong on... so many levels. You know what? My curiosity is satisfied.

    "Glad I could help. So, expand the army of Bali, eh? That should be easy. Looks like we're in fine financial shape too!"



    Let's try a little conquest, then, tough guy! Look, Majapahit has all of our cores, it should be no problem.

    Daniel grinned. "Oh no, demon! You'll not catch me this time. I'm going to colonize these empty provinces instead."



    (Gameplay note: I can't stress this enough. Stability is the best currency for an OPM. Always take the stab hit, particularly when the NI you're replacing is of little current value, like Battlefield Commissions.)

    Colonization. I guess I should stop being so surprised that you'd choose the most boring possible way to expand your empire. You do realize it will take you a year to get even one colonist?

    "Slow and steady wins the race."

    Chaos groaned. This isn't slow and steady. This isn't even a race. I've seen brick walls move faster than you! And not just when I blow them up or throw people into them.
    -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    August 1, 1563. Daniel and Chaos finished their 578th game of chess. Daniel lost every time. You might think that Daniel loved chess, studied every Grandmaster's every win, that it might be his one non-tax related hobby. You'd be right. However, Chaos had a hobby too. Cheating. Hence, Daniel's record of 0-578.

    Can we please play something else?

    Daniel blinked. "Look, the way we always played games in my house, we played until everybody won. In fact, there was one time we played a game of Monopoly for a year and a half until Grandpa won."

    A year and a half of playing one game? How did Grandpa finally win?

    "He didn't. He actually died the year before, only nobody noticed."

    There was a corpse, in your house, for an entire year, and nobody noticed?

    "Of course not! We visited him in the nursing home. You know, now that you mention it, that nursing home never quite seemed legitimate."

    Chaos rolled his eyes. Look, peabrain, I know you're the boss and everything, but can we PLEASE get some action?

    "Patience, Chaos. We have two colonists and 17 ducats. All we need is a couple more years of income!"

    Chaos pulled his ultimate weapon. GuywhowantstodeclarewaronMajaphitsayswhat?

    "What?"

    Exactly!


    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------
    The glorious war between Bali and Majaphit would be remembered for years by military historians. It is remembered in the same way that the Ford Pinto, the Titanic, and the Hindenburg are remembered; as object lessons in what not to do. (Those lessons? Don't expose the fuel tank, make sure you have enough lifeboats, and, well, building zeppelins is a waste of time.)

    (Postscript: I am aware there are multiple issues with my oblique and snarky criticism of all three situations. If you didn't want snark, you're in the wrong AAR.)

    Surprisingly, the person failing dramatically was not Daniel. Don't get me wrong, the Balinese army failed very dramatically.







    (I honestly thought the jungle terrain would help; unfortunately, even in 1563, a five-fire general is nothing to sneeze at.)

    However, the army of Majaphit wasn't very good at sieges. I don't mean that they assaulted and failed. I mean the literal concept seemed to escape them.





    For two years, the army marched back and forth. There was literally nothing impeding certain doom for Bali; Daniel had no desire to send more men to senseless deaths. Chaos had the desire, but not the ability. Later historians unearthed evidence that a Lithuanian general led the army, which certainly makes a lot of sentence. Finally, perhaps because somebody finally remembered the word for "halt!", a white peace was signed.


    -----------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Chaos looked accusingly at Daniel. All right, genius, you got your colony. Now let's do something!



    "I'm not ready yet. I want to colonize Priangan too."

    But it isn't fiscally sound! You'll go bankrupt, Bali can't possibly support both colonies! Chaos recoiled in horror. Damn it! I sound like you!

    Daniel immediately looked worried. "You're right! I had no idea how much these colonies would cost. I'll shut down colony growth right now."

    Chaos sighed. Too late, a private company has now burdened you with two colonies you can't afford.


    This is literally the only time I've ever been mad that this event happened

    "Send the army to protect our investments!"

    And... you've just lost half of it, since you decided not to pay them. They aren't even throwing rocks; they're making really unconvincing "rock throwing" noises.

    Daniel dredged up the worst curse he'd ever uttered. "Drat!"

    And... now it's 1570. You took out a whole bunch of loans to keep the colonies afloat, so Bali will probably go bankrupt in another two years. On the plus side, you're down to only one colony, and you finally successfully defeated an army of natives. Can I please have my powers back now?

    Daniel shook his head vigorously. "You'll zap me as soon as you get them back, or find new ways in which to kill me!"

    Chaos was taken aback. You make me sound like some kind of incredibly vindictive monster!

    "You are."

    Chaos laughed. Oh yeah, you're right. Yeah, no fooling you. I will roast you like a chicken the next chance I get.

    Okay, you two, Death and I are getting bored. So here's what we'll do. Chaos, you get your powers back, but you are no longer allowed to intentionally or unintentionally harm Daniel in any way. Daniel, you'll keep the mind control and immortality. Also, you're given immunity from teleportation sickness.

    Chaos cheered, but quickly soured when his celebratory shock failed. I was hoping Odor was kidding. Oh well, meatbag. We're off again, this time to Wallachia, and yes, it's another OPM.
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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  3. #543
    Field Marshal blsteen's Avatar
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    Survival.
    When you said survival, I had hoped the might of Bali had beaten Maj into the ground.
    Oh well off to the Balkans
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  4. #544
    Dwarven Skald generalolaf's Avatar
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    Could be an interesting change though... now that we have Bali with Colonial Ventures, someone might actually form Malaya

    Excellent update
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  5. #545
    Lost in Time Ashantai's Avatar
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    Love it! Rock throwing noises.

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  6. #546
    Argentina Delenda Est Tanzhang (譚張)'s Avatar
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    Oh well, meatbag. We're off again, this time to Wallachia
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  7. #547
    Oh Daniel.

    Hopefully he'll have a peaceful time in calm, peaceful Wallachia. There he'll learn to come to a point of commonality with nature and . . . bleed a lot I guess. Impaling galore!

  8. #548
    Modern Psycho-General CivandEUIII's Avatar
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    Wallachia?
    Time to raise...
    *puts on sunglasses*
    the stakes.
    YEAAAAAHHHH

    Also hugely relieved this did not end with the report "The Three Mountains achievement broken. Steps to reproduce: ..." - Rufo
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  9. #549
    People's Commissar of the Navy Demi Moderator Avindian's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by blsteen View Post
    Survival.
    When you said survival, I had hoped the might of Bali had beaten Maj into the ground.
    Oh well off to the Balkans
    I did too; no such luck.

    Quote Originally Posted by generalolaf View Post
    Could be an interesting change though... now that we have Bali with Colonial Ventures, someone might actually form Malaya

    Excellent update
    Quote Originally Posted by Ashantai View Post
    Love it! Rock throwing noises.

    Wallacia!
    Thanks to both of you for the kind words!

    Quote Originally Posted by Tanzhang (譚張) View Post
    *Imitates M. Bison* Yes! Yes! *does happy dance*
    Quote Originally Posted by Omen View Post
    Oh Daniel.

    Hopefully he'll have a peaceful time in calm, peaceful Wallachia. There he'll learn to come to a point of commonality with nature and . . . bleed a lot I guess. Impaling galore!
    Quote Originally Posted by CivandEUIII View Post
    Wallachia?
    Time to raise...
    *puts on sunglasses*
    the stakes.
    YEAAAAAHHHH
    You lot sure do enjoy your impaling. I guess I'll have to give you what you want!
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  10. #550
    Major Vrael_1492's Avatar
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    This should be an easy equation

    Wallachia=(Bloodthirstiness * enemies) divided by (trees/carpenters)=Numbers of death by spikes
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  11. #551
    Hah!
    I wonder if Daniel and Chaos will find any vampires

  12. #552
    People's Commissar of the Navy Demi Moderator Avindian's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Vrael_1492 View Post
    This should be an easy equation

    Wallachia=(Bloodthirstiness * enemies) divided by (trees/carpenters)=Numbers of death by spikes
    Do you really need a carpenter to make a spike?

    Quote Originally Posted by Duke of Britain View Post
    Hah!
    I wonder if Daniel and Chaos will find any vampires
    If there are, you can damn well bet there won't be any sissy Twilight vampires.
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  13. #553
    Second Lieutenant arosenberger14's Avatar
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    Is it just me or does Chaos resemble a certain beloved droid?




    Also, Wallachia, wooden stake capitol of the world!
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  14. #554
    People's Commissar of the Navy Demi Moderator Avindian's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by arosenberger14 View Post
    Is it just me or does Chaos resemble a certain beloved droid?




    Also, Wallachia, wooden stake capitol of the world!
    I'd be lying if I said some of Chaos's personality wasn't based on said droid He is my favorite character in any Bioware RPG I can think of, and I've played most of them.
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  15. #555
    Major Vrael_1492's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Avindian View Post
    Do you really need a carpenter to make a spike?
    Not really I guess. It just gave the equation more sense!
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  16. #556
    People's Commissar of the Navy Demi Moderator Avindian's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Vrael_1492 View Post
    Not really I guess. It just gave the equation more sense!
    Very true, and I can't resist a quality math joke.

    In order for me to get caught up in NRI, so I can finish playing it, I'm going to temporarily put this AAR on hold. The next update will be sometime early next week.
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  17. #557
    Let's just hope Danny doesn't make them think he's a witch...
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    http://forum.paradoxplaza.com/forum/...amp-Taxes-AAR. A new AAR: HAIL BASILIEA RHOMAION!! ALL HAIL THE HELIX FOSSIL!!! A PPA MEIOU&Taxes AAR. Will it fail? Probably.

  18. #558
    Lost in Time Ashantai's Avatar
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    Statement: I am looking forward to more.

    A Blessing and a Curse: EUIV Narrative AAR! In Progress
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    The Eternal Exile: Nation Hopping AAR with a mix of narrative and game-play. On Hold. | WINNER EU - Narrative for AARland Choice AwAARds 2011 Q1!

    Winner: AAR Showcase 29/11/2011 | Winner: Character Writer of the Week 19/1/2012 | Winner: Fan of the Week 20/9/2010 and 20/8/2012 | I was Character Writer of the Week 13/12/2010

  19. #559
    People's Commissar of the Navy Demi Moderator Avindian's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by EU3NOOB View Post
    Let's just hope Danny doesn't make them think he's a witch...
    We can only hope...

    Quote Originally Posted by Ashantai View Post
    Statement: I am looking forward to more.

    Indeed
    AARland Awards TsAAR -- Q2 ACAs here! Crusader Kings II|Europa Universalis IV|Victoria II|Hearts of Iron 3|Darkest Hour

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    If I use this color, I am speaking as a Demi-Mod. If you have any questions, please PM me directly. Forum Rules|Interactive AARs|AARland Rules #1|AARland Rules #2

  20. #560
    Modern Psycho-General CivandEUIII's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Avindian View Post
    Do you really need a carpenter to make a spike?



    If there are, you can damn well bet there won't be any sissy Twilight vampires.
    I know! Make Daniel a bloodthirsty vampire who is a carpenter by day?

    Also hugely relieved this did not end with the report "The Three Mountains achievement broken. Steps to reproduce: ..." - Rufo
    "I pity the fool who has to fill out 272 years of Indian history." - Cuthuthulu
    "
    (Wouldnt Hitler look much friendlier with curls and that silly mustache shaved off?)" - podcat

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