A Descent into Madness: A Random EU 3 AAR

[Sethanon]

Haha, excellent update. The bar scenes are good fun to read.
I do indeed hope that there will be a very big nation to play as soon, these OPM's get quite limited sometimes.

[Tanzhang (譚張)]

Haha, excellent update. The bar scenes are good fun to read.
I do indeed hope that there will be a very big nation to play as soon, these OPM's get quite limited sometimes.

One would think the further you get into the game the less OPMs there would be.

[Avindian]

The provinces are conveniently arranged in the history/provinces folder, with all sea provinces between them in one block.

Though a problem I can see is that a lot of the provinces are uncolonised, with no owner.

You're probably right; for now, I'll stick to country changes.

Excellent update as always. I guess if you keep playing like that eventually there will be no more OPMs for Daniel/Chaos to ruin and eventually one AI-country will do a WC due to their incompetence/bad luck

Haha, excellent update. The bar scenes are good fun to read.
I do indeed hope that there will be a very big nation to play as soon, these OPM's get quite limited sometimes.

One would think the further you get into the game the less OPMs there would be.

Tanzhang has it right; the number of OPMs will decrease over time.

[CivandEUIII]

Tanzhang has it right; the number of OPMs will decrease over time.

... especially with Chaos and Daniel kicking around.
Have you ever actually lasted the whole ten-year term yet?
(also note how Pommerania beat the other German minor in boring)
*hopes for the ULM tag to appear*

[Tanzhang (譚張)]

*hopes for the ULM tag to appear*

Could that bring some Glory for Daniel?

[CivandEUIII]

Could that bring some Glory for Daniel?

possibly. Then again, we're talking Daniel here.

[Avindian]

... especially with Chaos and Daniel kicking around.
Have you ever actually lasted the whole ten-year term yet?
(also note how Pommerania beat the other German minor in boring)
*hopes for the ULM tag to appear*

I've gone the full ten years a few times; take a look at the table of contents.

Could that bring some Glory for Daniel?

possibly. Then again, we're talking Daniel here.

I would certainly love to play as Ulm. , I have the feeling it wouldn't last very long, though.

[Sakura_F]

Going back to the Table of Contents...

18 -- Crusade! (DOW nearest non-religion country)
19 -- Must sell wealthiest non-capital province to biggest rival.
20 -- Must change religion

I'd love to see 18 and 20 happen... 19... lol.

[Avindian]

Going back to the Table of Contents...

18 -- Crusade! (DOW nearest non-religion country)
19 -- Must sell wealthiest non-capital province to biggest rival.
20 -- Must change religion

I'd love to see 18 and 20 happen... 19... lol.

I've actually gotten 18 a couple of times, but early on, so there was nobody to declare war on. 19 and 20 I just added

[Avindian]

I know you're all eager for the next update (hopefully tonight!), but if you're impatient, why not stop by and see my new HOI 3 AAR? It's interactive!

We-the-People-A-USA-Interactive-FTM-AAR

[Avindian]

Mazovia: In which Daniel outsmarts Chaos

(Author's note: Rather than find new ways to show missions and maps for each country within the update, I'll just post them here at the beginning from now on.)





Daniel's return to Europe was met by an uncomfortably familiar feeling; something was missing. He looked in the mirror of his admittedly swank but slightly effeminate bedroom.

"I'm a woman again. And an elderly one too!"

You're the King's mother. According to Death's records, she was the real power in Mazovia.

"Well, that's a small blessing." Daniel reached in his pocket for a snack and found an odd note.

Dear Mr. Carlson,

Don't worry, Chaos can't read this note. I feel badly for your continued failures, so I've decided to give you a clue. I've also given you a little privacy from now on; you can now think without Chaos hearing it, if you want to. Chaos doesn't know this yet, and if he finds out, I'll have to undo it, but for now, Chaos won't be able to hear your thoughts.

Here's your clue. Remember who you're dealing with.

Yours,

Order

PS: Do you remember where I put my wallet? I had it just before you left, and the bartender is getting a little uneasy.

PPS: Why am I asking you in a note you can't possibly answer?

PPPS: I found my wallet.

PPPPS: Why did I bother writing the first two postscripts? Or this one? Maybe I'm getting a little too old for this.

Daniel thought for a moment. He snapped his fingers. Chaos frowned, What'd you do that for? Did you finally realize how unbelievably dull you are and you're going to ask me to make you cool?

Daniel smiled. "Chaos, I have a quandary for you."

Chaos still felt very suspicious, but couldn't help but ask Daniel to go on.

"If the same thing happens over and over again, and is static, that's an Order kind of thing, right?"

That does sound like Odor, doesn't it?

"So you'd be honor bound to do anything you could to break the status quo?"

I wouldn't call it honor, but yeah, I guess I would have to break the monotony.

"I've been failing a lot."

Chaos took a few moments to work that one out. Very clever! You may be ugly, smelly, boring, prudish, lame, and stupid, but you're not stupid.

"You said stupid twice."

There was a slight emphasis difference.

"I didn't notice it."

Well, that's because I think you're only a little less stupid.

"I concede the point. Do you concede mine?"

After a few moments of pouting, Chaos grunted and agreed. Yes, meat bag, I do. In order to break your streak of failures, and thus create chaos, I actually have to help you this time. Plus, Mazovia surviving into the seventeenth century would be pretty chaotic.

For Daniel, those words were music to his ears. Of course, if you've been paying attention (and I can't honestly say I have), since Chaos didn't verbalize said words, Daniel's ears weren't involved.

Of course, I still have to inflict something bad on you, too, just for the sake of keeping my promises. So I sent your whole army home. Also, Lithuania has a mission to vassalize Masovia.


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Janusz IV knocked gently on his mother's door.

"Mother? You wanted to see me?"

It took Daniel a moment or two to remember that he, was in fact, the King's mother.

"Um, yes, dear. I'd like to talk to you about your kingdom."

Janusz IV groaned. "Mother, why must you constantly interfere in my life?"

"Because I know what's best for you. Have you been eating your vegetables?"

Janusz rolled his eyes and threw a small tantrum. "I don't like vegetables! They're yucky!"

"Don't you talk back to me! You may be King of Mazovia but I'm still your mother!" Daniel/Danielle cuffed him on the ear to emphasize her point.

Janusz sulked in the corner. "Yes, Mother."

You really have this nagging mother thing down cold; are you sure you're actually a man?

"Now, until you finish your vegetables, no... uh... playing around with your Kingdom. I'll take over things for you until then."

"But Mother, I've never eaten vegetables!"

"Then you have a lot of catching up to do. Get started, Mister. And wash behind your ears!"

Janusz stomped off in a huff.

"There, that ought to buy us a few years. Why don't you build us a new army, Chaos?"

Yes'm.
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It was January of 1528. Although not much had happened in the intervening years, Daniel was pretty pleased nonetheless. He had 7000 soldiers, and briefly considered declaring war on Poland before Chaos talked him out of it; after all, while Austria had no way to get to Mazovia, Bohemia did, and Bohemia was Poland's guarantor.

Why not attack Ostpreussen? The dumb Lithuanians couldn't reach Prussia's northern provinces because they didn't have a way to get there, but you do with the access treaty with Riga.

"That's a very good idea, but what if Bohemia intervenes anyway? Prussia's in their sphere."



Live a little, you coward, for once in your life!

Daniel considered the benefits and nodded. It would indeed be war! He drew in his breath, and in that way only mothers can, belted out her son's name.

Janusz IV entered the chamber as quickly as possible. "Yes, Mother?"

"Have you eaten your vegetables yet?"

"I've been eating nothing but vegetables for the past seven years. I'm starting to feel a little sick."

"Very well, you've been a good boy. You can have a little meat tonight."

"Gee, thanks, Ma!"

"You're welcome dear. Now be Mommy's little angel and declare war on Prussia!"

Janusz IV looked puzzled. "Are you sure that's a good idea?"

"Mother knows best."

"Well... okay. I'll have it done."

"Good boy! Oh, and stop disowning your relatives, or I'll ground you for the next twenty years!"

He hasn't got twenty years!

Janusz looked at the floor. "Yes, Mother. Sorry, Mother."


-------------------------------------------------------------------------
By November 1529, virtually everything had gone perfectly. Bohemia stayed out of the war, thanks to a stern note from Daniel.



Riga even paid Mazovia to continue the war, mostly because of Daniel's homemade pie. When Meissen signed a Personal Union with Prussia, Daniel responded.

Dear Meissen,

Now, my boy was playing with Prussia first. You leave it be. It's important to share! If you misbehave, you won't get a slice of pie and I'll tell your mother.

Be good,

Janusz's mother

A clerk walked in as Daniel was baking a fresh blueberry pie. "Oh, hello dear, would you like a slice of pie?"

The clerk smiled sadly. "No thank you, ma'am. I am sorry to say your son is dead."

Daniel burst into tears. "My boy! My precious baby boy! Who will run the kingdom now?"

"Uh, your grandson? Janusz V?"



Daniel continued to cry. Even Chaos was a little worried. Uh, Danny, you know he isn't actually your kid, right?

"Oh, be silent you heartless monster! Let me grieve!"

Chaos was so afraid of the new matronly Daniel that he immediately listened.

"Thank you for telling me, lad. You can run along home now. Please tell my grandson to come here."

"Yes ma'am."

Janusz V entered and smelled the pie. "Mmm, can I have a slice, Grandmother?"

"Not until you've led your armies to victory, Janusz."

"Not even a little taste?"

Daniel smiled. "Well, you can take a slice with you."

Janusz V brightened up. "Okay! Say, Grandma, which end of the pike do I point at the bad guys?"

Daniel sighed. "The pointy end, remember?"

"Oh yeah! Thanks Grandma!"
-----------------------------------------------------------
Despite a few accidental self-inflicted pike wounds and a few upset tummies from eating too much pie, the army of Mazovia succeeded in spite of its commander.





When Mazovia annexed Prussia, the celebration was massive; people cheered through the streets while Daniel patched up Janusz V's latest pike wound, this one through his foot, from putting the wrong end down.

"There you go, little one. All better. Now go outside and play with your friends." Janusz V ran off giggling.



Uh... it's December of 1531. Time to move on.

"Okay. Where are we going next?"

Well, I was going to give you another OPM, but your pie is pretty good... so how about Great Britain?

"That's lovely of you, dear. Have some ice cream!"

That sure is swell of you!
-------------------------------
That's right -- our first really awesome country! And I didn't mess with the RNG or anything.

[Ashantai]

Great Britain! Oh boy...awesome!

Mazovia did pretty well! Is this the first step to success for Daniel?

[Avindian]

Great Britain! Oh boy...awesome!

Mazovia did pretty well! Is this the first step to success for Daniel?

Possibly!

To whet your appetites, Great Britain will begin the update at war already, with Castille, in order to form a PU over Bavaria. Crazy stuff!

[Memento Mori]

Chaos sure loves the new borders of Mazovia!

And reading "Janusz's mother" made my eyeballs asplode! Good thing I have extra.

I hope Daniel will fase some nasty random event in GB...

War with Castille?! My wish was granted before I even posted

[Omen]

I must say, I liked seeing Daniel succeed. That was a great update, it made me laugh and entertained the whole way.

[blsteen]

GB...
too bad Order didn't save his tip for this round.
Well, civil war seems to be a popular current topic for British AAR's so this should be right up Chaos' embed...ment.

[Tanzhang (譚張)]

That's one Chaotic border, if you don't mind me saying so. Mazovia might just be the start a of a string of successes for Daniel, now that he's got Great Britain to rule. Go Daniel!

[Avindian]

Chaos sure loves the new borders of Mazovia!

And reading "Janusz's mother" made my eyeballs asplode! Good thing I have extra.

I hope Daniel will fase some nasty random event in GB...

War with Castille?! My wish was granted before I even posted

I've always said it's handy to keep a few extra eyeballs handy. To make matters even more interesting, Castille somehow got Meath and have been carving up Ireland with surprisingly little British interference thus far.

I must say, I liked seeing Daniel succeed. That was a great update, it made me laugh and entertained the whole way.

I liked it too; I think this is the first time one of the AI countries didn't join a war against me!

GB...
too bad Order didn't save his tip for this round.
Well, civil war seems to be a popular current topic for British AAR's so this should be right up Chaos' embed...ment.

Didn't quite follow you there.

That's one Chaotic border, if you don't mind me saying so. Mazovia might just be the start a of a string of successes for Daniel, now that he's got Great Britain to rule. Go Daniel!

It would be nice to see at least a brief string of successes! I'm curious to see how much staying power Mazovia has; Poland would seem a logical target for expansion in the future, but it's caught between two tough customers in Lithuania and Bohemia.

[CivandEUIII]

Great Britain?
God save the Daniel!

[tamius23]

Good - an update with copious amounts of pie!