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Thread: A Descent into Madness: A Random EU 3 AAR

  1. #261
    Lost in Time Ashantai's Avatar
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    This is great! I love your explanation for why things happen in your universe.

    I echo the question above; do we meet Death at some point?
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  2. #262
    Well, I'm sure we'll all meet death. Eventually.

  3. #263
    People's Commissar of the Navy Demi Moderator Avindian's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by LAAT501legion View Post
    Let's hope the next update is better and contains more death and destruction.
    I will do my best.

    Quote Originally Posted by tamius23 View Post
    Lots of puns à la "he put two halves together to make a whole, climbed through the hole, shouted until he was hoarse, and rode off on the horse".

    Will we be meeting Death at some point?
    I only counted two And re: Death, see more below.

    Quote Originally Posted by mayorqw View Post
    That update was great. I really love it when you gives 'answers' on this mind boggling universe
    I find that the best answers come when I've not had much sleep!

    Quote Originally Posted by catman1776 View Post
    I've never had a "Boring War" just an uneventful one where I overran the enemy and annexed.OFC im always going for the annex.
    It was boring because Aquelia dragged me into three different wars against countries I couldn't reach. So I used the Irish Alliance Doctrine, as safferli has all brilliantly shown us

    Quote Originally Posted by Tanzhang (譚張) View Post
    Hooray! Time for Daniel to go clubbing!
    Quote Originally Posted by catman1776 View Post
    is this supposed to be some kind of pun based on where he is? :P
    I didn't get it either until I saw Tanzhang's quote below.

    Quote Originally Posted by Clophiroth View Post
    I have discovered this AAR... And I love it! By far, the best AAR that I have read! n.n Following you!
    Thanks for the kind words, and welcome aboard!

    Quote Originally Posted by Tanzhang (譚張) View Post
    Not so much a pun as a reference to another AAR set where he's going.
    I would be most curious to see this AAR. I think I've read it (maybe?), but I'd like to check it out all the same. Maybe it has tips on not failing!

    Quote Originally Posted by Westenholz View Post
    "Daniel's head crashed into his palm. A waiter replaced the tree sitting next to Daniel with a new one."

    Had me groaning and laughing at the same time... I must say this is entertaining beyond measure, and the regularity with which these updates are made makes it even beter.
    Normally I hate puns -- my friend tortures me with them all the time -- but at 4:30 AM (CST) I thought they were hilarious.

    Quote Originally Posted by Brougal View Post
    so, will he be a club ?

    edit: someone made that joke allready
    Who knows?

    Quote Originally Posted by Ashantai View Post
    This is great! I love your explanation for why things happen in your universe.

    I echo the question above; do we meet Death at some point?
    Quote Originally Posted by Omen View Post
    Well, I'm sure we'll all meet death. Eventually.
    Omen, of course, has the "right" answer. As far as meeting him as a distinct character? I don't know. In some past update, I recall saying he couldn't talk, and I think he'd be kind of boring anyway.

    Although, that would make him a perfect companion for Daniel...
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  4. #264
    Hmmm. I'm still thinking 'rockstar' Dan. :P

  5. #265
    People's Commissar of the Navy Demi Moderator Avindian's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Edgewise View Post
    Hmmm. I'm still thinking 'rockstar' Dan. :P
    Patience, my friend; after all, we aren't even in 1500 yet!
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  6. #266
    Second Lieutenant Brougal's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Avindian View Post
    I would be most curious to see this AAR. I think I've read it (maybe?), but I'd like to check it out all the same. Maybe it has tips on not failing!
    http://forum.paradoxplaza.com/forum/...-of-the-Sahara

    There you go

  7. #267
    Lt. General NapoleonComple's Avatar
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    You know, this would make a fantastic novel.

  8. #268
    Death might be boring as a person, but damn he can be appear bad-ass :3
    ...
    Umm, my point is; I would not mind meeting death... Not, not like in the vid, God no. Eh, reading about him. In your AAR... Yeah, that's what I meant.

    But I see your point. Would've been really cool if death was featured but I can somewhat agree that the general idea of death isn't that he's the most... Humoristic character and as your AAR is all about humour he'd be a bad fit.


    Still, shame


    (Love the updates though!)
    War, it's faaaaantastic.

  9. #269
    People's Commissar of the Navy Demi Moderator Avindian's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Brougal View Post
    I had read that one, as it turns out, but it's been a long time. Good stuff!

    Quote Originally Posted by NapoleonComple View Post
    You know, this would make a fantastic novel.
    Thanks!

    Quote Originally Posted by adamclason View Post
    Death might be boring as a person, but damn he can be appear bad-ass :3
    ...
    Umm, my point is; I would not mind meeting death... Not, not like in the vid, God no. Eh, reading about him. In your AAR... Yeah, that's what I meant.

    But I see your point. Would've been really cool if death was featured but I can somewhat agree that the general idea of death isn't that he's the most... Humoristic character and as your AAR is all about humour he'd be a bad fit.


    Still, shame


    (Love the updates though!)
    I've not officially decided yet on whether he'll show up or not. If he does, it'll just be a cameo every now and again.

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  10. #270
    First Lieutenant I8Strudel's Avatar
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    Hm... I was kinda hoping we'd get to see some of Chaos' rampaging in Württemburg, but I guess "learning" more about the back-story with Order was cool (maybe we'll find out about Württemburg in the next part?). Can't wait to see what ridiculousness goes on in Kanem Bornu!

  11. #271
    Death, boring? Naaah. I did not get the impression, that he could not talk, rather that he felt nothing was worth saying, big difference. One could play around with the clichés and have him play chess with Daniel at the end of the road á la Seventh Seal. That should have some comedy value if executed properly, but could also seem incredibly tired... Anyhow I fail to see, how some morbid humor would not fit the tone of a random AAR, which by definition should not have any set tone.

    But Avindian is clearly the far superior writer, so I will trust his judgement in this.

  12. #272
    People's Commissar of the Navy Demi Moderator Avindian's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by I8Strudel View Post
    Hm... I was kinda hoping we'd get to see some of Chaos' rampaging in Württemburg, but I guess "learning" more about the back-story with Order was cool (maybe we'll find out about Württemburg in the next part?). Can't wait to see what ridiculousness goes on in Kanem Bornu!
    Apart from Chaos singlehandedly depopulating the country, or at least trying to? You didn't miss much

    Quote Originally Posted by Willum View Post
    Death, boring? Naaah. I did not get the impression, that he could not talk, rather that he felt nothing was worth saying, big difference. One could play around with the clichés and have him play chess with Daniel at the end of the road á la Seventh Seal. That should have some comedy value if executed properly, but could also seem incredibly tired... Anyhow I fail to see, how some morbid humor would not fit the tone of a random AAR, which by definition should not have any set tone.

    But Avindian is clearly the far superior writer, so I will trust his judgement in this.
    You've got a fairly good argument here. I honestly had no idea he had such a following! I'll have to give it some serious thought.
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  13. #273
    Lt. General generalolaf's Avatar
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    Let me guess, he's unnecessarily evasive about some of your questions?

    "From time to time."

    He's like that. He'll never lie to you. Most of the time. Unless he really wants to. Or it's a day ending in 'y'. But about really big questions? It's hard for him to lie about those, and so he tends to dodge the question or change the subject.
    Permission to put that in my signature? With proper credit of course
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  14. #274
    People's Commissar of the Navy Demi Moderator Avindian's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by generalolaf View Post
    Permission to put that in my signature? With proper credit of course
    Permission granted! I'm honored.
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  15. #275
    Second Lieutenant Rendap's Avatar
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    Another great update - Yet 1 flaw!

    The country was not annexed!
    Armageddon was yesterday - Today we have a serious problem!
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  16. #276
    People's Commissar of the Navy Demi Moderator Avindian's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Rendap View Post
    Another great update - Yet 1 flaw!

    The country was not annexed!
    Then you'll be really unhappy with the next update
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  17. #277
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    *pokes* Wheres the next update? Ive looked but I don't see it D:

  18. #278
    People's Commissar of the Navy Demi Moderator Avindian's Avatar
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    Kanem Bornu: When pachyderms collide!


    If the normal teleportation was nerve-wracking, being transported from the bar was far worse. Just before leaving, Daniel asked Order how bad it would be.

    Well, it's like being drunk.

    "What's wrong with that?"

    Ask a glass of water.

    (Author's note: Fifty million points to anybody who can name the source for this joke; an additional fifty million to anybody who knows where I got the Honest John's reference in the last update as well.)

    (Clarification to the note: Points have no monetary value and cannot be bartered for any good or service.)

    (Further clarification: Well, I can't stop you from trying I guess. If you do find some sort of good you can acquire with my points, please do let me know.)

    (Clarification to the clarification: Of course, I won't give you anything for them.)

    Upon awakening in Kanem Bornu (henceforth KB -- no connection to kilobytes or Kaybee Toys), Daniel realized that, if anything, Order was being charitable.

    Welcome back! How did you like the bar?

    "It was pretty similar to every other bar I've been in."

    Chaos shrugged. Yeah, I suppose you're right. What did you think of Bill?

    "Actually, I've met far more dodgy bartenders, if you want to be honest."

    I rarely do.

    "So what did you do in Württemburg while I was gone?"

    Chaos laughed evilly. Oh, I did plenty. It was like a great big party, with a few human piñatas thrown in for fun. Do you how much candy you can get from a human?

    Daniel looked confused. "Um... humans have candy in them?"

    These did. You've never heard such complaining. I thought you liked candy?

    "Maybe they were diabetic. Most people do like eating candy."

    Chaos's eyes went wide. Oh! You eat it? That explains a lot.

    "What did you do with -- You know what? I don't want to know."

    It's your funeral, Danny. So, what do you think of the new form?

    "I don't know, I can't feel much of anything."

    Yeah -- teleportation through time and space will do that to you. Anyway, the readAARs really wanted you to be a club.

    "Why did you say 'readers' that way? And why a club?"

    Another AAR. Never mind. Anyway, you'll be pleased to know that the African tribesmen of KB have evolved to the point where mere clubs are far beyond them. You, my friend, are a far more elegant weapon.

    "A lightsaber?"

    Not that elegant. However, you are the very pinnacle of African technology. You, Steely Dan, are a spear.

    "A spear?!"

    What's the matter, didn't you get the "point"? Needless to say, Chaos's cackling took a few hours to subside, while Daniel came to grips with being a weapon. This was surprisingly easy. After all, he'd been a goat in the past.

    (Author's note: I have no particular problem with goats. I don't like goat's milk, but other than that, nothing against them. Then again, I've never been a goat. So maybe he's got a point. Who can say? If any goats are reading this right now, and you wish to communicate the pros and cons of being a goat, I'm sure we'd love to hear it.)

    Oh! I almost forgot! My restrictions on mind control have been lifted too.

    "Lovely."

    Isn't it?

    "Let's get this over with."

    Right. Here's your map and your personal mission. No catastrophe this time, but this is your last freebie.





    "This is by far the biggest country I've ever had."

    Kind of sad, isn't it?

    "Maybe I'll be able to do something with KB. I'm supposed to convert Katsina to what?"

    Islam. In this timeline, the people of Kanem Bornu have adopted the teachings of Islam.

    "Let's send a missionary out. After that, I need to think for a minute."

    After flopping around for a bit, using a supreme effort of will, Daniel lifted himself up against a tree and buried the flat end in some dirt, propping himself up at an angle while he considered his next move.

    Of course, his next move was considered for him, when a wandering tribesman from Benin tripped and embedded himself on the business end of Daniel.

    Daniel sighed. "Not again."


    -----------------------------------------------------------------------------
    The Tribal Council looked at King 'Ali I Terap with some suspicion.

    "Um, far be it for me to question your will, sire, but why exactly are we at war again?"

    The King drew himself up to his full height, using his shiny new yet still bloody spear to support him. That might have been impressive had the King been more than five feet foot tall.

    "Um... it's in the Koran?"

    A snort from his tallest advisor was followed by, "You can't read, doofus. How do you know what's in the Koran?"

    "I know what's in you, you ungrateful cretin!" Daniel was hurtled through the air and impaled the insolent one. He sighed again. This was happening a lot lately.

    The other members of the Council looked around. One of the smartest helped the others get spared and not speared. "Sire! I noticed their flag is a different color than ours, yet still depicts an elephant."

    The King's eyes grew wide. "You're right! The heretics! I shall spear them all! Spear them but good! For the Great Spirit Elephant!"

    The chief imam whispered in the King's ear.

    "Er, sorry. Allah! Allah the Elephant!"

    The imam was about to correct the King, but realized it was probably a waste of time and would most likely end with a spear in his gut.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    March 21, 1474. The date of Daniel's greatest victory. He was largely directly responsible for it, as the King had found few problems that spears could not solve. Since the spear was embedded with the power of a human and a demon, it also never got dull and flew with unerring accuracy.

    "Hey, Chaos, does this make me a mass murderer?"

    In the most literal sense yes, but don't worry, your body count is much lower than mine. Plus, it isn't like you had much choice. Don't let it worry your ugly little head.

    "How many people have you killed, anyway?"

    Directly or indirectly?

    "Let's say directly."

    Chaos counted in his head for a few moments. In this universe or all of them?

    "Does it matter?"

    I suppose not. As an approximation, a scientific approximation you understand, a whole lot.

    Daniel decided to drop the subject. "So what did we get out of this peace deal?"

    Ifni and Dendi. We could have annexed the whole country if you didn't get cold feet.



    "Hey, the last thing we need right now is to be neighbors with Castille."

    Maybe. At least the King had a good time at the party after the fall of Dendi.



    "I just bet there were more casualties at the party than at the actual siege."

    Probably. Whoever told the King that spear-catching was the newest sport should probably get punished, somehow.

    "Then again, he's probably already caught a spear."

    Chaos brightened. Yeah! You're right! After a pause, Chaos's eyes narrowed. When did you become so nonchalant about violence?

    "It's the purpose of a spear."

    It's the what of a spear?

    "Purpose."

    Say it!

    "No! You can't make me!"

    SAY IT!

    "No--- aaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Fine! It's the point of a spear!"

    When he could sneak it in between fits of uproarious laughter, Chaos said Oh yeah, and I can shock you again whenever I want. You must have asked Order some of those impertinent questions of yours.

    Daniel said nothing in return, unless sizzling counts. You know, I suppose it doesn't. So then he didn't say anything.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    By February 1475, and the end of KB's second war, Daniel was completely exhausted. When 'Ali wasn't slaughtering other tribes with his spear -- Mali and Songhai the latest victims -- he was putting down rebellions or trying to start the Kanem Bornu Professional Spear Juggling League. The KBPSJL had a very short life span, as all the participants were killed in the first match. 'Ali had hoped Mali would keep their alliance with KB, not least because their names rhymed, but unfortunately, the people of Mali did not find that rhyming was a sufficient reason to dishonor their protection of Songhai.



    "I have to ask, is he so crazy because of you?"

    Actually, no. For the first time, I've actually had to restrain a human from killing. That's kind of scary, if you think about it.

    Daniel gasped. "He wanted to kill more?"

    Oh yeah. Coupled with his short statue, his psychopathy practically feeds itself. That's some Napoleonic complex.

    "Actually Napoleon was perfectly average for his time, if not a bit above average. GAAAAAAAHHHHH WHY DO YOU KEEP SHOCKING ME GAAAAAHHHHH?!"

    If I want to be corrected, Encyclopedia Bri-Dan-nica, then I'll just look into my own voluminous brain.

    "At least -- ow! -- I was able to convince him to sign a white peace."



    It took you about two hours, despite the fact that Mali has nearly four times as soldiers as Kanem Bornu.



    "The Battle of Gao didn't help."



    What eventually got him to stop?

    "I told him that he was signing an order form for more spears."

    Good thinking.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------
    The weird thing was, once 'Ali I died, the people had discovered an enthusiasm for spears, and cursed his son, 'Ali II for not impaling nearly as many as his father.



    This despite having to fight off thousands of his own people just to secure the throne for himself.



    "I bet they're most angry that Mali went and annexed Songhai instead of KB. 'Ali I told so many tales of the glittering forests of spears that awaited them in Gao that when his son couldn't deliver, they turned on him."

    Maybe. Hey, do you know the official gum of Kanem Bornu?

    Daniel paused for a moment, and after getting the expected 50,000 volts, gritted out "Spear-mint." The endless puns were actually more painful than the electric shocks, although they were close.

    "Since you've shocked me a bunch of times, have I built up enough good will to ask a question and get an honest answer?"

    Is the question, 'Would you shock me some more?'

    "It is not."

    Then I make no promises.

    "Is all the stuff we're doing affecting my own timeline?"

    The answer Daniel received was surprisingly short and informative. No. Taken aback, Daniel asked, "Why?" After another 50,000 volts, Chaos properly answered the question.

    You asked Order and me a question once. 'Do we have a boss?' Technically, the answer is "no." However, there are some things even we can't mess with. Time is one of them.

    "Is Time a PELF too?"

    Nope. It just works a certain way.

    "I don't get it." Expecting another shock, Daniel cringed, but was more surprised when another thoughtful answer was his reward.

    Imagine an extremely powerful river that only flows one way. You can get out of the river and get in somewhere else, but you'll still be carried forward. Time is like that river.

    "Okay."

    Now, if you change something in the past -- say, if we end up wiping out Austria entirely -- you place a dam in the river. For a few moments, the river diverts its course. But then the sheer force just builds up and blows through the dam.

    "That makes sense."

    The small rivulet that formed as a result of the dam is a parallel universe. The 'original universe' -- which is of course relative -- just continues on as if the dam never happened. The only person who is conscious that something ought to be different is the person that built the dam -- you, in this example.

    Daniel was surprised. "What happens to the person who built the dam?"

    Most of the time, nothing. You can quite easily hold two different ideas in your head, even about the same topic or object. Orwell called it "doublethink", only it's part of being human. There's nothing necessarily wrong about it. However, it what you did is such a shock to your brain, like killing yourself in the past, then the solution is even simpler.

    "Which is?"

    You go completely insane. I'm fine, because in this example, I'm not quite in the river; I'm flying above it. I can go where I want, and I can see what the river did, is doing, and might do in the future with no effect. Mortal life of any kind -- and some immortals, to be honest -- can't handle it. Going back in time and killing your father isn't a problem -- in the parallel timeline, he dies, and either you're never born or you have a different father. It's only if you create an infinite regression that you can really hurt yourself, and you'll create a whole bunch of parallel universes at the same time. The more personally relevant to your particular timeline, the more dangerous.

    "Is there any way to avoid it?"

    Chaos snorted. You could, I don't know, not do those things. It's pretty obvious, or it should be to you, what you shouldn't do. But some people are too tempted to mess with things they shouldn't, and so as a point of safety, we will not visit your particular part of Earth during your lifetime. You could be in your hometown in 1900 or 2100 and be fine, or be in Tasmania in 2011 and be fine, but your hometown in 2011 is off limits.

    Daniel had a lot to think about. He even forgot to ask Chaos where they were going next.

    Of course, Chaos told him anyway, being the swell fellow he was. Oh, by the way, it's back to Germany for us. This time, Mainz.
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Normally, I take great pains to distance myself from the opinions of my characters. Chaos's description of time travel, however, is one of my pet theories. I don't know if we'll ever do it or not -- I'm not willing to bet against anything when human innovation and creativity is at stake -- but I honestly don't think the infamous movie paradoxes would be a problem.

    Of course, you can also feel free to pretend I never wrote that and just go back and re-read the funny parts

    EDIT: I almost forgot! I wanted to show you Kanem Bornu before the jump to Mainz. The Tribal Succession Crisis is pretty much over at this point, unless the AI does something nutty like disband the army or something.

    http://img233.imageshack.us/img233/2796/kbending.jpg

    Also, Castille inherited Hungary.

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  19. #279
    People's Commissar of the Navy Demi Moderator Avindian's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by catman1776 View Post
    *pokes* Wheres the next update? Ive looked but I don't see it D:
    About an hour too early
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  20. #280
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    Quote Originally Posted by Avindian View Post
    About an hour too early
    yay for update! yay for derpy puns!



    Quote Originally Posted by Avindian View Post
    What eventually got him to stop?

    "I told him that he was signing an order form for more spears."

    Good thinking.
    xD nice...

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