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Thread: A Descent into Madness: A Random EU 3 AAR

  1. #61
    Field Marshal blsteen's Avatar
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    The Chaos and Order bits are hilarious...
    Methinks Daniel is going to find the Swiss in the 1400's a little less tame than he is used to
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  2. #62
    Captain Sethanon's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by CivandEUIII View Post
    Somehow I think I favor Chaos over Lan Zhu from the Tuscany AAR already.
    (no offence to anyone meant, but the Chaos scenes are just n times funnier.)
    But if anyone comes close to Chaos its Lan Zhu! We need him to organize some parties, Middle Kingdom style, to show the NRI what its all about!

  3. #63
    Sergeant SiikFajitas's Avatar
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    I rarely like narrative aar's (I suppose this is what its considered) but this is going down as one of my all time favs. Keep up the good work man

  4. #64
    People's Commissar of the Navy Demi Moderator Avindian's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ashantai View Post
    These two updates have been wickedly funny. Well done!
    Thanks!

    Quote Originally Posted by boom View Post
    Your doing a great job.

    A suggestion for a random event could be, You must start a crusade. (Dow any Religion other than your own)
    Hmmm... I like it! It's on the list!

    Quote Originally Posted by CivandEUIII View Post
    Somehow I think I favor Chaos over Lan Zhu from the Tuscany AAR already.
    (no offence to anyone meant, but the Chaos scenes are just n times funnier.)
    I'm glad you enjoy Chaos; in Lan Zhu's defense, though, he wasn't really intended for comedy (as I got him from Michaelangelo).

    Quote Originally Posted by blsteen View Post
    The Chaos and Order bits are hilarious...
    Methinks Daniel is going to find the Swiss in the 1400's a little less tame than he is used to
    Tame is boring, and I hope that this AAR will not be boring

    Quote Originally Posted by Sethanon View Post
    But if anyone comes close to Chaos its Lan Zhu! We need him to organize some parties, Middle Kingdom style, to show the NRI what its all about!
    A cross over, eh? Maybe... I doubt it, but anything is possible.

    Quote Originally Posted by SiikFajitas View Post
    I rarely like narrative aar's (I suppose this is what its considered) but this is going down as one of my all time favs. Keep up the good work man
    Thanks very much for the kind words!
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  5. #65
    People's Commissar of the Navy Demi Moderator Avindian's Avatar
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    Switzerland: When having God on your side just isn't enough


    When Daniel Carlson awoke, he looked about and found himself in one of the nicest rooms he'd ever been in. That was certainly a change from nearly being boiled alive. He stood up, looked in the mirror, and reached for his electric razor before remembering it wasn't there. The blond hair was also new to him. He started to freak out before he recalled that he was in Switzerland, and that probably meant blending in with the natives.

    You're finally up, sleepy head. C'mon, you've got a big day ahead of you.

    "Right. Who am I supposed to be?"

    Syndic Gerhard Frisch, the duly-elected leader of Switzerland.

    "That's good, I suppose. Wouldn't my being the leader of Switzerland cause a time paradox or something?"

    Interesting you should ask that. Technically speaking, no.

    "That's reassuring."

    You want details? Fine. See, there are actually three dem--

    "You mean PELFs?"

    Not you too! Demons is what I meant to say. See, we are triplets, Order, me, and Death.

    "I thought you were Death?"

    No, Chaos. My actions do cause a lot of death, but that's just a happy coincidence. Death is an entirely different guy. Legend has it he's unable to speak, as the grave must keep all secrets from the living.

    "Is that so?"

    Nah, he's just a quiet guy. I'd say you'd like him, but given that you'd be dead when you met him, you might not. Anyway, every time anything living dies, Death reads their soul and records everything that ever happened to them. So when you inhabit the body of somebody famous, you have an incredibly detailed record to rely upon. Nobody can lie to Death.

    "Is that one true?"

    Yeah, actually. Makes it hell to play poker with him. Still, he's a pretty okay guy.

    "So what happens when you die?"

    For the first time since Chaos possessed him, the demon was entirely speechless.

    "Well?"

    He won't say.

    "Not even to you?"

    Daniel got the distinct impression that Chaos was grumpy about that, but he shook his head. Or, at least detected the mental impression that the demon inside of him shook his head. Look, this will get awfully long if I have to keep explaining it, so just mentally add that bit when I say Chaos did something overtly physical. Okay? Great.

    Death has always fiercely maintained that nobody can know the answer to that question until they die. Since I will never die, it is the one thing I can never know.

    "That's okay, there's lots of things I'll never know."

    Chaos growled in irritation. No, you meat sack, this is different. The only reason humans and other living things can't know everything is because your lives are so short. I can't know because... well... it's just the rules, I guess. And you have no idea how much I hate following the rules.

    "What would happen if you somehow found out? All living things would be destroyed or something?"

    Daniel was surprised -- and terrified -- at Chaos' answer. The entire universe would cease to exist. If any creature knew exactly what was to come upon death, there would be no purpose to life, and it's too good a secret not to get out. Here's the really weird part: Death himself doesn't know what happens when you die. He gets the souls shortly after death, sure, but something happens between death and, well, Death, and something happens after Death records everything and judges you and stuff. But nobody knows what.

    "Wow. So I will know something, eventually, that you never will?"

    Technically, yes. However, whatever happens to you after you're done with Death, you will never know, because he blanks your soul after recording it.

    "Couldn't he just not blank the soul?"

    You're full of annoying questions today, Danny boy. Like a damned toddler. No. Unlike Order or me, Death has no free will; he can only perform his function and nothing more. Order and I have full access to the archives of the dead, but other than that we never see him. Order and I could, theoretically, entirely switch places, if not for our natures. Death doesn't have that luxury.

    "Sounds sad, if you ask me."

    I never thought I'd ever say this, lightweight, but I have to agree with you. Poor guy's never even gotten laid. Even Order gets some action now and again, and until I met you, he was the dullest guy I'd ever known.

    "Why do you always insult me?"

    It's never an insult to tell the truth, turkey. Anyway, you've got a job to do, Oh Great and Powerful Syndic. Just to be childish, Chaos put extra emphasis on the second syllable of the honorific.

    Daniel either didn't notice or pretended not to. If you're ever possessed by a demon (and I hope you aren't), the best thing to do is to ignore it. Just an FYI.

    He took a look, instead, at some important documents on his new home for ten years.







    "So, we've got a powerful friend, Bohemia and a strong economy. This should go much better than Assam."

    Not so fast, chicken pot pie. You're not allowed to fully finance your soldiers. Only 50% pay.

    "Wait, what?! Says who?"

    A lightning blast to the temporal lobe answered the question for him.

    Question my authority again, slug brain, and I'll take away something important. Like the control of your bowels.

    Daniel, wise beyond his years, said nothing and reviewed the finances again.

    "We've got 5000 soldiers, but the capacity to have 4000 more. Since you'll probably force me into a war I don't want to fight, and you're crippling my ability to fight it, I ought to build that up. Nice touch, by the way, telling me I can build a navy with no ports."

    Chaos grinned. I knew you'd like that.

    "I'll invest in more advanced land technology, then. What's your mission for Switzerland?"

    I'll throw you a bone, Cindy. Get it? It's short for Syndic! Anyway, you were supposed to subjugate Wurrtemburg, but you don't have a valid CB, so all you have to do is improve relations with Savoy.

    "That's not too bad. I'll send them some of our cash. This note says we just got a pile of new ducats from a bunch of priests. Kind of them."



    Great work, moron. Now here's your real mission.



    "Hah! 10 prestige is nothing. I'll just do some royal m--. Crap."

    Chaos' evil laughter resounded around his skull.

    That's right! No pacifism for these Swiss cheeses. It'll be war! Glorious war!
    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Daniel's foreign minister -- Jacques something or other -- entered with the report of the day's activity.

    "Honored Syndic, you asked who our mighty republic might do battle with?"

    "Er, yes, Jacques. I did."

    "There are only two foes. The Ottoman Empire, who we can't reach but would get a prestige bonus from fighting, since there's a crusade on, and Milan, who's been excommunicated by the Pope."

    "Then Jacques, make preparations to declare war on --"

    Daniel blacked out for a moment; when he returned, Jacques looked very pale, but nodded while he trembled and left.

    Trying to take the easy way out, you wuss? You'll fight Milan and you'll like it.

    "But they're allied to Austria and Burgundy! And Bohemia won't help!"

    You big baby, want some cheese with that wine? I hear both are good here.

    "Look, fine, whatever, I'll attack Milan, but can I least wait until Bohemia is willing to participate?"

    Chaos rolled his eyes, sighed, and mumbled acceptance.
    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Declared war on Milan yet?

    "For the last time, no! I will do it when I am ready and not before!"

    Ooo, somebody's getting a little sassy. I like it. Still, watch your tone, junior.

    Daniel sighed.

    So what have you been doing?

    "I built some churches. Also, I gave the people of Switzerland more freedom, which destabilized the country."

    Stirring up some trouble, eh? You may win me over yet!

    "I didn't do that intentionally. I also got re-elected."



    Good for you, sport. Wouldn't do to have you lose the election.

    "I'm a 9 in Administration, so I'm sure that helped."

    Actually, you need to check the fine print. See, the voting laws have very specific property guidelines. It's so arcane, that there's in fact only one voter in the whole country.

    "Who's that?"

    You.

    "Oh. What if the old leader dies?"

    You can't die. Are you thick or something?

    "I meant as a general principle."

    Who cares?

    Daniel sighed again. He was doing that a lot these days.

    "I commissioned five paintings, which convinced a nice philosopher to live in Switzerland."



    Why? So you can try to get the 10 prestige in peace time? Nice try, slick, but it'll take too long. You have until 1414 to declare war or I'll do for it you. And I'll disband the army first.

    "Fine."
    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Daniel regretted hiring the new philosopher. Instead of raising Switzerland's prestige, he kept going on and on about how oppressive the Syndic was. Even though Switzerland was a republic and there was virtually no Centralization.



    He did this again a couple of years later.

    Ungrateful jerk, isn't he?

    "Yeah! I gave him a good job, give him a nice salary, and how does he thank me? By stirring up trouble!"

    Daniel gasped in horror.

    "Oh my God. Now I sound like you!"

    Hee hee hee. You really are a treasure, little buddy.

    "Anyway, your war is coming soon. Jacques told me Bohemia is totally okay with us declaring war this time, so I'm sending along the declaration today."

    Finally!



    "I think 9000 Swiss troops versus 12,000 Milanese troops is winnable given my home terrain."

    Oh, you poor, poor fool. I'd feel bad for you if I didn't enjoy watching you fail.

    Daniel was puzzled. "Why would I fail? Sure, Austria honored the call, but so did Bohemia. They're the Emperor! My victory is assured! And see, a bunch of people are sending me money to fight!"



    What makes you think they're betting on you to win? Wouldn't troops be way more valuable than money?

    "Well yes, of course, but... This isn't going to be pleasant, is it?"

    I wouldn't bet on it. Hah! Bet! See what I did there?

    Daniel groaned, both from the horrible pun and the near certainty that defeat was nigh.
    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    For whatever reason, the people of Switzerland insisted that their loyal Syndic lead the forces into battle, despite Daniel having all the dexterity of a drunk penguin falling down a hill. The results were predictable.

    1414:



    Not so easy, is it? You've lost your first battle, Chur has fallen to the Austrians, and Aquelia has invaded Schwyz.

    "Bohemia will save us!"

    1415:

    "We won! Our first of many glorious battles!"



    Yeah, but Schwyz has fallen, and your attempts to scorch the earth aren't slowing them down as much as you like.

    "Bohemia will save us!"

    You didn't read the map attached to your victory, did you?

    "No, why? Should I have?"

    Er, no, of course not. Carry on, brave leader!

    August 1415:

    "We've recovered Schwyz and our stability is restored! We won another battle at Chur against an Austrian regiment! Switzerland will soon be free from foreigner occupation! With the help of Bohemia we cannot possibly fail!"

    Chaos began to snicker.

    "What?"

    The snickering grew louder.

    "What is it, you accursed demon?"

    Chaos couldn't contain himself. He burst into laughter.

    "I don't like it when you laugh. It means something bad is about to happen."

    A figure appeared at the tent flap. The soldier saluted.

    "Syndic, Bohemia has surrendered to Austrian forces. They send word -- 'Sorry we couldn't be more help. Oh well, best of luck. We'll get them next time! Toodles! Bohemia.'"

    Daniel found it very hard to reply when Chaos was guffawing uncontrollably, deafening his thoughts.


    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    1415:

    Daniel was tired. He won the election again, with 100% of the vote, although he seriously thought about voting for another guy who wasn't possessed by a demon. Of course, Chaos would have just taken over and made him vote for himself, so the nightmare continued.

    "At least it can't get any worse."

    Look at the casualty sheets!



    Genoa is saving your bacon right now, or you'd have Austria AND Milan collapsing on you. Also, all the electors are now voting for Austria to become Emperor.

    "I hate my life. For every battle I win, I lose three. At least it can't get any worse."

    1416:

    "Thank God for Genoa. At least we're only fighting Austria right now!"

    The telltale snicker and appearance of a soldier at the flap of his tent created another pit in his stomach.

    "Let me guess, soldier. Genoa surrendered?"

    "Yes sir. They got off easily, though. They just had to break their alliance with us, release Zaporozhie and Corsica, and pay a small fee."

    "How are efforts to sign a peace treaty with Austria?"

    "They keep insisting they don't have any ink to sign it with."

    "So send them some ink!"

    "The only worthwhile ink, they say, is the blood of their enemies."

    Daniel sighed. "Well, keep fighting the good fight."

    As the soldier left, an engineer walked in.

    "Syndic! This man can improve our fortifications in Zurich!"

    Daniel leapt to his feet. "Wonderful news! Give him whatever he needs! At last, some luck!"



    May 1416:

    "It's gotten awfully quiet out there. Where are my soldiers?"

    Daniel left his tent for the first time in a few days, and noticed that the parade ground looked a little emptier than normal.

    "Where is everybody?! I know we've lost some battles, but did everybody go home?"

    Not exactly, General Jerk. Look at these casualty reports.





    "They're all gone?! Were they killed?"

    Nope. They deserted and joined the Austrian army. You really shouldn't have been so stingy with their salaries.

    "But that's your fault!"

    How many times do I have to mention that we're in the same body and that that tactic will only end up badly for you? Blaming it on a demon?

    "So I have no army and my lands are rapidly surrendering."

    That's the size of it.

    "And the Austrians won't talk surrender?"

    Nope. Especially since you convinced a whole bunch of countries to sign alliances and attack the Austrians.

    "I did?! Wait a minute, I blacked out for about an hour a couple of days ago. That was you."

    For once, Daniel had the intelligence not to frame it as a question. Chaos had him look at the alliances he'd signed.



    1417:

    "Whew! Modena and Holland are both out of the war, and we got 50 ducats from them! We might make it out alive yet!"

    Who are you talking to?

    "Well, you, I guess."

    News flash. Neither one of us is going to die, no matter how much you deserve it.

    "I guess you're right. Maybe we'll still win?"

    Nope. In fact, you've just paid 658 ducats for peace.

    "Was that you again?"

    Unfortunately not. See, when you're fully occupied, your people pay any price for peace.

    "I see. How much is in the treasury?"

    -219 ducats.

    "Did I hear you say negative 219 ducats?"

    The people aren't very good at math.

    "What about Austria?"

    Oh, that was just Aquelia and Augsburg. We're still at war with Austria.

    "What do they want?"

    423 ducats that we can't pay. Oh, and Tuscany asked us to go to war with Pisa. You were busy, so I accepted on your behalf. No, no need to thank me.

    "I hate you so much."
    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    1418:

    "We are finally at peace. We're fiscally insolvent, have no armies, and no friends except for Mantua, but we're at peace now."



    Don't forget that you can't possibly get your 10 prestige in 2 years without winning a war.

    "Yes, thanks. I'd almost forgotten."

    Glad I could help!
    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    It was January 1, 1420. Time to leave. Daniel had thought that he'd do better in Switzerland, and he had, in a way. He hadn't lost any land.

    Unfortunately, Swiss peasants were rampaging through the countryside, there were smugglers on top of that. He'd still gotten re-elected, but it was unsurprisingly close.

    Ready for your next trip?

    "Do I have a choice?"

    Of course not.

    "What happens to Frisch?"

    He'll found an American restaurant called Big Boy's.

    "I love that place, but what about in the meantime?"

    Oh. Well, he'll kind of get his body back, but I'll doctor it so he thinks that he's the colossal screw up that's cost his people; he won't even know he was gone.

    "I hope he's able to recover. Where are we going next?"

    We're going to scenic Constantinople and the Byzantine Empire. I think you'll grow to like Constantinople.

    "Why's that?"

    It's pretty much all you've got.
    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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    Or not, I guess. Failure can be pretty entertaining.
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  6. #66
    Lost in Time Ashantai's Avatar
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    I love this! Now, to Byzantium!

    This AAR is unique and awesome. Well done.
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  7. #67
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    Poor Byzantium! I understand that Chaos hates the Romans, as they did make a damned good law code and a few more things considered "orderly", but placing a tax accountant as the emperor is going a bit too far... on the other hand he isn't worse then a fair amount of previous emperors...

  8. #68
    People's Commissar of the Navy Demi Moderator Avindian's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ashantai View Post
    I love this! Now, to Byzantium!

    This AAR is unique and awesome. Well done.
    Thanks for the kind words!

    Quote Originally Posted by Memento Mori View Post
    Poor Byzantium! I understand that Chaos hates the Romans, as they did make a damned good law code and a few more things considered "orderly", but placing a tax accountant as the emperor is going a bit too far... on the other hand he isn't worse then a fair amount of previous emperors...
    Poor Byzantium may be right. I've had success with Byzantium in the past, so it's not totally out of the question that I won't screw up, which is better than I can say about the first two countries.
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  9. #69
    Major Michaelangelo's Avatar
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    You make the best narrative AARs. I'm loving the humour in this one.

  10. #70
    This is one of the few narrative AARs that I like, good job.

  11. #71
    Second Lieutenant Rendap's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by LAAT501legion View Post
    This is one of the few narrative AARs that I like, good job.
    Now go survive for 10 more years and ensure that the Byzantines thrives.

    Under Ottoman Rule that is...
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  12. #72
    Modern Psycho-General CivandEUIII's Avatar
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    Noo switzerland...
    I feel strangely sorry for them now. Nevermind my location.

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  13. #73
    Indefatigable Psychotic tamius23's Avatar
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    I forgot to subscribe! I'm reading.

    Let's hope you can drive Byzantium into the ground. I like seeing it fail.

  14. #74
    People's Commissar of the Navy Demi Moderator Avindian's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Michaelangelo View Post
    You make the best narrative AARs. I'm loving the humour in this one.
    Quote Originally Posted by LAAT501legion View Post
    This is one of the few narrative AARs that I like, good job.
    Thanks very much!

    Quote Originally Posted by Rendap View Post
    Now go survive for 10 more years and ensure that the Byzantines thrives.

    Under Ottoman Rule that is...
    Wow; I like how everybody is perversely wishing for me to fail

    Quote Originally Posted by CivandEUIII View Post
    Noo switzerland...
    I feel strangely sorry for them now. Nevermind my location.
    They could be worse. I'll try to check in on the countries I've played in the past from time to time, to see how they do.

    Quote Originally Posted by tamius23 View Post
    I forgot to subscribe! I'm reading.

    Let's hope you can drive Byzantium into the ground. I like seeing it fail.
    It's okay, I'll let it slide this one time. It honestly wouldn't take much to fail -- Byzantium is an OPM at this point -- but I actually am trying not to fail; I've just been in really bad positions thus far.
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  15. #75
    Second Lieutenant Rendap's Avatar
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    I'm not hoping for you to fail - I'm hoping that those jumped up Eastern Romans to fail. You just happen to be there...
    Armageddon was yesterday - Today we have a serious problem!
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  16. #76
    custom luser title gela1212's Avatar
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    This is one of the few AARs that I've laughed at. Very good.



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  17. #77
    People's Commissar of the Navy Demi Moderator Avindian's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Rendap View Post
    I'm not hoping for you to fail - I'm hoping that those jumped up Eastern Romans to fail. You just happen to be there...
    Very good point.

    Quote Originally Posted by gela1212 View Post
    This is one of the few AARs that I've laughed at. Very good.
    Thanks very much!
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  18. #78
    Modern Psycho-General CivandEUIII's Avatar
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    look, you have to see it like this, if you don't destroy BYZ then Tuscany will never see the point in forming Rome again!

    Also hugely relieved this did not end with the report "The Three Mountains achievement broken. Steps to reproduce: ..." - Rufo
    "I pity the fool who has to fill out 272 years of Indian history." - Cuthuthulu
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  19. #79
    People's Commissar of the Navy Demi Moderator Avindian's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by CivandEUIII View Post
    look, you have to see it like this, if you don't destroy BYZ then Tuscany will never see the point in forming Rome again!
    But, Tuscany destroyed Byzantium, so if I don't succeed... oh, dear. I hate these time traveling paradoxes.
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  20. #80
    Modern Psycho-General CivandEUIII's Avatar
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    So if you do not succeed tuscany will never form Italy but if you do succeed Tuscany won't form Italy either because Byzantium is too large.

    Also hugely relieved this did not end with the report "The Three Mountains achievement broken. Steps to reproduce: ..." - Rufo
    "I pity the fool who has to fill out 272 years of Indian history." - Cuthuthulu
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