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Thread: A Descent into Madness: A Random EU 3 AAR

  1. #41
    Colonel Memento Mori's Avatar
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    I would not want to live in a world in which chaos had spent 421 years in the head of a tax office employee ...

    Really like the aar, and I can only imagine the shock Order will go through when he learns that the whole world changed even with a random person being in a far-away Assam... I hope you will introduce him as another character sometime in the future

    And I can't imagine that Danny is so good with law, but did not see the loophole Chaos placed in his agreement ("You will be left before the deadly accident, with all memories erased")

  2. #42
    People's Commissar of the Navy Demi Moderator Avindian's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ashantai View Post
    I think this is one of the greatest updates ever in an AAR. It was brilliantly funny, very interesting, and great characters! A+!
    Quote Originally Posted by gela1212 View Post
    I agree with Ashantai! Fantastic stuff.
    Thanks for the kind words! It may just be that I finished the series with the Ninth Doctor, but I couldn't help but hear Christopher Eccleston say "Fan-tast-ic!"

    Quote Originally Posted by Memento Mori View Post
    I would not want to live in a world in which chaos had spent 421 years in the head of a tax office employee ...

    Really like the aar, and I can only imagine the shock Order will go through when he learns that the whole world changed even with a random person being in a far-away Assam... I hope you will introduce him as another character sometime in the future

    And I can't imagine that Danny is so good with law, but did not see the loophole Chaos placed in his agreement ("You will be left before the deadly accident, with all memories erased")
    As a minor spoiler, yes, Order will be making an appearance in this AAR. To be fair to poor Daniel, he is a tax lawyer/accountant. You seem to be suggesting that Chaos intends to drop him right in front of the bus before he goes splat. How dare you impugn his sense of honor?!
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  3. #43
    Modern Psycho-General CivandEUIII's Avatar
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    You know, so you don't look batty
    this line made me laugh so hard.

    Also hugely relieved this did not end with the report "The Three Mountains achievement broken. Steps to reproduce: ..." - Rufo
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  4. #44
    People's Commissar of the Navy Demi Moderator Avindian's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by CivandEUIII View Post
    this line made me laugh so hard.
    Glad you liked it!
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  5. #45
    Captain Sethanon's Avatar
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    My compliments on this first update. If this is what its going to be like for the next 400 years I am a happy man!

  6. #46
    People's Commissar of the Navy Demi Moderator Avindian's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sethanon View Post
    My compliments on this first update. If this is what its going to be like for the next 400 years I am a happy man!
    Thanks! I'll certainly do my best!
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  7. #47
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    Interesting that chaos is running around south asia in the head of a tax lawyering accountant. Time for Order to drop an asteroid on his ass.
    I was Sir blsteen, Knight of the Eastern West... in :One Last HurRAAh: A Milanese Empire Interactive AAR:

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  8. #48
    People's Commissar of the Navy Demi Moderator Avindian's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by blsteen View Post
    Interesting that chaos is running around south asia in the head of a tax lawyering accountant. Time for Order to drop an asteroid on his ass.
    That would make for a very short AAR, though

    Working on part two of Assam now!
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  9. #49
    People's Commissar of the Navy Demi Moderator Avindian's Avatar
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    Assam, part 2: Surely things can only go better from here?


    When last we left Chaos and Daniel, dear readers, Daniel found himself the new King of Assam. Well, the Regent for the King of Assam. It's not the most glamorous position in the world -- it might actually be the least -- but it is, uh, well, let's just continue on, shall we?
    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Daniel had been Regent for two weeks, and already he was in trouble. The Pretender's forces seemed to have no problems with his loyal troops.



    Loss after loss caused Daniel to fall more and more into a depression. He'd taken to curling up and weeping after breakfast, pausing only for lunch, dinner, and occasional trips to the restroom. Once he discovered he didn't have to stop weeping at any of those times either, he was completely unbearable, not to mention his incredibly salty food went untouched.

    Look, Danny, it's just your first time running a country, right? It's like the first time you engineer the destruction of an entire civilization. You're bothered for a moment that you're done with the fun part, but then you realize, hey, there are way more civilizations to destroy!

    "You think I'm going to destroy their civilization?! And here I was just upset that I'd lost a few battles!"

    Well, needless to say, Daniel was completely useless at that point. Chaos took over Daniel's body, but even he couldn't win any battles. By December of 1405, the rebels were running rampant over Assam. The demon briefly considered just calling forth a fireball to incinerate his enemies, which would have been good for a few laughs but would probably cost him the bet.

    The worst part was that nothing else exciting was happening. Taungu got overrun by Ming, which delighted Chaos but barely registered with the increasingly catatonic Daniel.



    Chaos, strangely enough, found himself reviewing the finances of the Kingdom, and realized that a grave error had been made.

    Uh, Danny?

    There was no response.

    Daniel?

    Still nothing. Chaos checked his watch (yes, he's a demon and has a watch. What of it?) and realized that the ten years was almost up. He had to pull out the big guns.

    DANIEL! WAKE UP YOU SNIVELING, USELESS PILE OF PUKE!

    That got a brief look up, then Daniel returned to the fetal position. Chaos sighed, and knew that the bet was almost lost already. He had nothing else for it; he had to ask for help. He snapped his fingers, and a moment later, a new voice answered.

    Surrendering so soon, Chaos?

    Shut it, Order. Look, this pathetic meat bag is completely useless. Can I have a new one?

    The conversation, surprisingly, jostled Daniel back into consciousness. "Wait, now there are two of you? How many demons are going to fit into my head?"

    Order was insulted. I'll have you know, Mr. Carlson, I am no demon. I am one of the fundamental forces of the Universe. Show me some respect!

    "Isn't Chaos fundamental too?"

    Well, yes.

    "He calls himself a demon; if you're the same sort of thing, why aren't you also a demon?"

    He's got a point, Order-me-up-a-side-of-fries.

    Order sighed. Fine, call me a demon if you must. I'm actually a Perfect Ethereal Life Form, or PELF.

    "So you eat cats?"

    No, idiot. That's ALF.

    "Oh, right. Sorry for interrupting."

    No harm done.

    Say, big guy, can we talk alone? Without the meat bag?

    I suppose so. We're going to borrow your head for a minute, Mr. Carlson.

    Daniel Carlson had experienced some of the oddest feelings any human being ever had. Not being privy to a conversation in his own head was the new all-time champ. He distracted himself by examining the financial records that Chaos had been looking at. Ten minutes later, their conversation was over.

    Mr. Carlson, in the interest of fairness, I've decided to give Chaos here a little more leeway in dealing with you. You've really got no one to blame but yourself. Anyways, he is authorized to use electric shocks directly on your brain any time you refuse to participate in our wager. Have no fear, though, I will monitor him closely to make sure he behaves himself.

    "Aren't you supposed to be Order? The forces of truth and good and beauty, and all that?"

    Truth, Good, and Beauty are perfectly capable of speaking for themselves. In any case, a bet, as they say, is a bet, and the only way we can fairly determine a winner is by giving an incentive to cooperate. You want the bet to be fair, don't you?

    "Well, I guess so, but --"

    Splendid! I'm off to the bar now. Have a good time, lads!

    At that point, Daniel felt a presence leave his head, another new and wholly unpleasant experience. Not as unpleasant as Chaos' sick laughter, however.

    Right, Danny boy, no more moping around. You will run this country or I'll run 50,000 Volts through your skull. Got it?

    "Won't that kill m -- AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!:

    That's for calling me a liar. If I say you can't die, you can't die. Now, did you read those documents?

    Daniel, extremely dizzy from the pain, replied affirmatively.

    Notice anything wrong?

    "No, taxes all seem to be in order, we're fiscally solvent and in prime position to pay off our loans."

    Chaos rolled his eyes. Birdbrain, look at the army's pay!

    Daniel blinked for a moment. "Oh. Whoops."

    Whoops is right, dunderhead. You've got them with no pay!

    "Sorry about that. I'd better pay them, then."

    Yes. You'd better.

    Just at that moment, one of the Regent's servants walked in. "Er, my liege, the rebels seem to have vanished."

    "Beg pardon?"

    "Vanished, Sire. Gone. Not there any more."

    "What happened?"

    "I think they got bored and went home. We also got a little more stable, we're at +2, so maybe that had something to do with it?"

    "+2 what?"

    Just nod and agree. I'll explain later.

    Daniel did as he was told. "Very well, you are dismissed, then."

    The servant bowed and left.
    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    It was May 1407, and Assam had rebalanced itself. The Kingdom of Shan had signed an alliance, and turning some offices into quick cash helped Daniel pay off the Kingdom's loans.



    Even Chaos was more polite than usual. He was down to fifteen insults a day, which was a new low. He'd been especially quiet. Daniel, never having dealt with small children, did not know how ominous that actually was.

    Hiya Daniel. How's it hanging?

    "Er, just fine. Thank you for asking."

    Right. So, remember when you met that Sutamla Baruah guy, and you blacked out for a moment, but I told you it was just aftershocks from the lightning blast?

    "I do."

    I lied. I actually flipped him off, punched him out, and slept with his wife.

    "Of course you did."

    So, yeah, now he's got an army and he wants your head.



    "My head?"

    Well, duh. It's not like you aren't partially responsible.

    "But I didn't do anything!"

    Tell him you're possessed by a demon, who's manipulating you for a bet. Maybe he'll break down from laughter.

    Daniel sighed. "I suppose you're right. Let's get our brave, now well paid troops, into the field."
    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    It was March 9, 1410. Daniel's troops, with no general and in bad terrain, failed just as miserably as they had when they were paid less. Chaos crowed at Daniel's ineptitude. Daniel kept politely reminding him that the ten years were up -- had been up since October 1409 -- but Chaos, being a demon, responded to polite requests like a college student did to "Last Call!" -- he pretended he didn't hear them.

    After the battle of Brahmaputra, Daniel finally found a moment to get Chaos' attention.



    "Er, Chaos, I really think we must be going."

    Like the first three hundred and eleven times, there was no response.

    "Chaos?"

    312.

    "Chaos?!"

    313.

    Daniel knew he had only one way of getting the demon's attention, and he was fairly sure that he (Daniel) would like it far less than Chaos did.

    He hit himself over the head with a rock.

    Hey, Danny boy, can't a demon get some sleep?

    "Demons don't sleep."

    Not with that racket. So what's up, pup?

    "It's time to go. Been more than ten years, actually."

    Why, so it has! Time sure flies when you're having fun, eh? It'll take me about an hour to transport us to our next destination. I should warn you, this will probably hurt you more than it will hurt me, seeing how I can't really feel pain.

    "I guessed as much. Where are we going?"

    Zapotec. You'll love it, it's part of what you know as Mexico and Central America. Maybe we'll get to participate in a human sacrifice! I've always wanted to but never found the time.

    "If it's all the same to you, I'd rather avoid that."

    You have no spirit of adventure. Anyway, we're off!
    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Only two iterations this time; the result was 16, 26, 1, which spells P Z A. The nearest tag is ZAP, hence, Zapotec.

    I am not, however, revealing the results of the random event draw. That will have to wait until next time!

    Author's Note: I found out that for some reason, EU 3 didn't actually turn off inflation like it was supposed to. I edited it in the save game -- no harm done, since we're only 10 years in, and the AI can't screw up inflation THAT badly in ten years, right?

    Right?!

    Also, I've had to re-roll the random event, so to speak. I'm all for Chaos (really I am!), but the draw was 3, which would have forced me to declare war either on Maya (my ally) or Aztec (just finished a war with them, apparently). Since I'm a 2PM as it is, and I'd like to be in Zapotec longer than ten minutes, I'm re-rolling. I got a 9, which is meaningless, since boat technology does not exist for the Zapotec. I got a 3 again (man, RANDOM.ORG wants me to die!). I finally got 5, for our friend the Comet. So that will be the first thing you see when I update later this week (or probably early next week).
    Last edited by Avindian; 08-11-2011 at 07:31.
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  10. #50
    Captain Sethanon's Avatar
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    And thus our Assam adventure comes to an unfortunate ending. I hope Zapotec does better.
    Im not sure what to comment on the 10 year period with a weird country like Assam, maybe next country will give us more information.

  11. #51
    People's Commissar of the Navy Demi Moderator Avindian's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sethanon View Post
    And thus our Assam adventure comes to an unfortunate ending. I hope Zapotec does better.
    Im not sure what to comment on the 10 year period with a weird country like Assam, maybe next country will give us more information.
    Well, it won't be Zapotec Zapotec is Maya's vassal, and since it's a 2PM, the only thing I can do is get annexed. So yeah, I'm going to reroll the country (good thing I saved!).

    EDIT: I'm going to change the way I roll results. I've just been through 28 (!) iterations and gotten one usable result, Champagne, which is not a usable country in 1410. So I'll make it simpler.

    There are 338 tags in EU 3; I'll just pick five random numbers between 1 and 338; the first usable result will be the country I pick. So, for this roll, I got 311 (Tunisia -- unsurprisingly gone already, eaten by Castille), 44 (Bali -- doesn't exist yet), 161 (Lancaster, doesn't exist), 296 (Syria, doesn't exist) and finally, 295 (Switzerland), which is independent and therefore eligible! I'm going to clarify this on the first page for any new readers. The random event roll was 8; that means army maintenance can't go over 50%

    EDIT TO THE EDIT: Grrrr!! The game gave me a generic subjugate mission, but of course the mission times out the CB after 120 months -- or ten years -- so I've got the mission but not the CB. I'd love to have the CB, but I might end up having to cancel this mission. Any help would be greatly appreciated; I fear the only person that this AAR will see descend into madness is me!
    Last edited by Avindian; 08-11-2011 at 08:27.
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  12. #52
    People's Commissar of the Navy Demi Moderator Avindian's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Avindian View Post

    EDIT TO THE EDIT: Grrrr!! The game gave me a generic subjugate mission, but of course the mission times out the CB after 120 months -- or ten years -- so I've got the mission but not the CB. I'd love to have the CB, but I might end up having to cancel this mission. Any help would be greatly appreciated; I fear the only person that this AAR will see descend into madness is me!
    I could still use a hand with this! Also, I'm preparing a little mini-interlude to tide you over until I have time to make proper updates. Should be up in a couple of hours.
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  13. #53
    Captain Sethanon's Avatar
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    I don't know really, but I dont think you can get that CB back anyway. So I'd say abandon it just for fun's sake. Having stupid missions isnt fun but madness!!

  14. #54
    People's Commissar of the Navy Demi Moderator Avindian's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sethanon View Post
    I don't know really, but I dont think you can get that CB back anyway. So I'd say abandon it just for fun's sake. Having stupid missions isnt fun but madness!!
    Sage words. I may abandon it and give myself the prestige back, since after all, it isn't my fault.

    I'm going to work on the interlude now!
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  15. #55
    Jalayirid Caliph mayorqw's Avatar
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    I knew deep own it probably was Douglas Adams! Splendid.
    Order-me-a-side-of-fries is fantastic! And we need more PELFs!
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  16. #56
    People's Commissar of the Navy Demi Moderator Avindian's Avatar
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    Interlude: A brief trip to Zapotec


    Daniel Carlson woke up in Mexico with no idea what was going on. Granted, many Americans have occasionally woken up in Mexico with no explanations as to why or how they'd gotten there, but most of them are not also hurtled back four hundred years in the past, so I think we can forgive him his disorientation.

    Anyways, when Daniel came to, he looked around. He found himself quickly surrounded by a group of natives, most of whom looked very angry and carried very pointy spears. Thinking quickly, he used his high school Spanish to ask where he was.

    Of course, given that the natives of Zapotec in 1410 had never heard of Spain, could not find it on a map, and certainly didn't speak it, he just sounded like he was babbling. The natives logically concluded that he was possessed by a demon and prepared to sacrifice him to their gods. Ironically, at that moment, Daniel was not possessed by a demon at all, as Chaos was somewhere else entirely.
    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Hey Order. Buy me a drink?

    Since you'll be paying for it, why not?

    Thanks. You won't believe the day I've had.

    What's wrong?

    Well, we were initially going to Zapotec, but it turned out they'd already surrendered to Aztec and Maya -- they have two provinces and are Maya's vassal. So the author of the AAR came up with a whole new system for picking a new country, and now we're going to Switzerland.

    Switzerland is nice.

    Yeah, that's what I thought, too. I just wish the author would make up his mind.

    I can see how that would be irritating. Another drink?

    Don't mind if I do.

    The two passed some time, exchanging stories about the past, including the time that infinitely replicating versions of Chaos ended up cancelling each other out, which was why Chaos wasn't allowed to time travel as frequently any more.

    Say, Chaos, you're still trying to win the bet, right?

    You know it, loser. I never give in!

    Where's your charge?

    I left him in Zapotec, he can cool his heels there for a few days.

    You left him there?

    He's got food! I'm not completely heartless.

    Do you remember what the Zapotec did?

    Uh, it's kind of a blur... ate, slept, partied, procreated, the same stuff as other humans, right?

    Order sighed. Human sacrifice?

    Oh yeah! Human sacrifice! It's been a while since I've seen one of those!

    I think you're missing the point. What about your charge?

    Oh, sure. I'd bring him along too. I'm not a monster.

    Order resisted the urge to strangle his counterpart, which was very difficult since neither were corporeal. Let me walk you through this. Your vessel, Daniel Carlson, is a what?

    Soul sucking bore.

    Species?

    Human.

    And the Zapotec sacrifice what?

    Hum -- Oh, I see where you're going with this. Don't worry though, he'll talk his way out of it.

    How likely is it that Mr. Carlson knows Zapotec?

    Chaos paused and thought for a moment. Not very likely.

    Is he immortal when you aren't with him?

    Chaos's eyes widened. Oh, [expletive deleted].

    With that, the demon vanished. Order chuckled and returned to his drink. He'd always thought of Chaos as his little brother, although they were exactly the same age. He knew technically they should be in an eternal struggle, but the truth was that they'd made their peace with one another. After all, society without Order would be anarchy, but society without Chaos would be stagnant. Even Chaos didn't like total anarchy, because constant change is actually a form of order.

    So, the two just made bets from time to time. This one was probably their biggest, though -- Chaos had won the last by creating the platypus and proving that something truly absurd evolutionarily was still viable, thus earning him 30 days to totally run amok. The stakes were higher this time, especially since, despite the fact he couldn't get drunk, Order still liked tossing back a few hundred every couple of days. He always appeared differently in each bar, but he was a noble sort and made sure to see that his bar tab was always unified. Essentially, his bar tab was actually higher than the collected monetary supply of every country in every dimension in every time, but that didn't mean he didn't intend on paying it.
    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Daniel Carlson had blacked out again. He hoped not from the agony of being sacrificed, but when he came to, he felt something familiar.

    Sorry about that, little buddy.

    "They'd already flayed me alive and were preparing to cut off my head! I'm not sure sorry cuts it."

    Hey, I'll make it up to you. I put you into the body of the Syndic of Switzerland, so there's no more mucking about with convincing people to listen to you. I must say it's quite a nice improvement over the last one too.

    "That's a nice gesture, but you still owe me one."

    Fair enough.

    "So we're in Switzerland now?"

    That we are. But don't worry about that for now. You probably should get some sleep.

    "Fair enough."

    Chaos whispered, with an evil laugh, You'll need it.
    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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  17. #57
    People's Commissar of the Navy Demi Moderator Avindian's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by mayorqw View Post
    I knew deep own it probably was Douglas Adams! Splendid.
    Order-me-a-side-of-fries is fantastic! And we need more PELFs!
    Thanks! I don't know how many more I'll create, it might get confusing, but I'll definitely consider it
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  18. #58
    Lost in Time Ashantai's Avatar
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    These two updates have been wickedly funny. Well done!
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  19. #59
    Major boom's Avatar
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    Your doing a great job.

    A suggestion for a random event could be, You must start a crusade. (Dow any Religion other than your own)

  20. #60
    Modern Psycho-General CivandEUIII's Avatar
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    Somehow I think I favor Chaos over Lan Zhu from the Tuscany AAR already.
    (no offence to anyone meant, but the Chaos scenes are just n times funnier.)

    Also hugely relieved this did not end with the report "The Three Mountains achievement broken. Steps to reproduce: ..." - Rufo
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    "
    (Wouldnt Hitler look much friendlier with curls and that silly mustache shaved off?)" - podcat

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