The Queen Mother's Diaries: A Ming AAR

gabor said:

I guess an Attack of Killer Peaches is inevitable.

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I'm really keen to capture Paris then I can use the title of the 'Peaches that ate Paris' in homage to one of the worse films of all time ...

Stuyvesant said:

Pardon my ignorance, but regarding that 'spawn of the devil' comment: was that Wanli himself, or rather the recently- enthroned emperor?

The Queen Mother's version of events surrounding Wanli's demise is a bit suspicious, but on the other hand, if anyone could turn the humble peach into a lethal weapon, it would be her.

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It related to Wanli, which since I'd so subtly suggested that Harry was the wee mites true parent was wonderfully appropriate.

re his death, i think you can assume she's largely telling the truth, but remember there have been complaints at just what is she crossbreeding her peaches with ... Monsanto have nothing on the QM

aldriq said:

And those stab hits keen on coming... now along with extra infamy ones – not nice.

Of course, between poison in the peach punch and a lethal gravity peach punch on the head the QM had to choose the most subtle...

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well exactly, coating the peaches with poison or spiking the drinks is so ... well so Roman really, this AAR has a higher standard of regicide techniques.

Ashantai said:

Killed by peach! How terrible!

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Its not something that happens to everyone ... just a lot of Ming emperors who displease the QM

morningSIDEr said:

Noting how lethal they seem to be, I'll never walk under a peach tree again! Oh and I'll also keep well away from Queen Mothers and peach punch as well.

Wanli did pretty well in the end, apart from attempting to break the infamy limit with one of his last acts that is. Hopefully Xuande can do even better and somehow find a way to deal with the Queen Mother.

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Xuande is a sort of enthusiastic labrador puppy of emperors, a lot happens but most of it totally random and some of it downright destructive.

ywhtptgtfo said:

I glanced through the beginning and my impression is that the narrative is a bit obscure and not at all Asian-like (I am Chinese myself). However, that's a valiant effort to bring some Asian atmosphere into a Ming game even though the Jade or Yellow Emperor would've been a better narrator. :/

Just wait till you find out the Queen Mother is actually Yekaterina II of Russia - She'd probably invite Wanli the Emperor to her bed as a reward.

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ywhtptgtfo said:

Yes, but not in a way I can totally appreciate. I am a bit sensitive to stereotypical portrayal of Chinese history and elements.

The spam of "... not as much as an idiot as his son... " in every other post by Xi Wang Mu (Queen Mother of the West) especially got my eyes rolling because women in China (especially goddesses) are not corny like that. :/

This is not to say the OP didn't put in a lot of good effort...

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Well I'm not reaching for realism with this AAR. Best to see it as a pretty standard game play setting out how I dealt with the faction system in vanilla EU3 wrapped up in a rather nonsensical surrounding dialogue. As you may have spotted there is a shortage of battle and campaign reports wich as Malurous indicates is very much intended. So she's a product of my own need to find a voice that allows me to comment on the in-game events and provide a foil for Harry.

Malurous said:

Love the peacock-chariot mental image.

And what a great time, infamy-wise, for a DIP 4 ruler.

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for some reason, most of my emperors have low diplomacy stats, so I daren't with one of the good ones let my infamy go over 29 (which is the limit with a 4). Its quite a constraint once the Europeans arrive as I can't risk lots of ongoing wars against all of them at once.

1459-1466, Xuande loses an argument with a peach

26 November 1459



Oh how nice, glad to see the storks managed their delivery on time, after all Xuande is so undiplomatic that it was hard to see him managing ... oh

(H – the things I do to keep this dynasty going, well this one had better work out better than Wanli)


21 January 1460

Its nice to see that Xuande has a caring sharing side, he told me secretly he really doesn't like those boring bureaucrats



1 March 1460

The boring bureaucrats are back ... I've been evicted from the Palace again



5 June 1460



Xuande is an uncultured brute ... I hatched my first peacock in that temple.

2 August 1460



Hah, and he thinks I am interested in this? Where are the plans to come and release me from my bondage (especially as the peacock has swallowed the key?) ... I will have words with him when we next meet ... if I can slip out the chains that is.

(H – you do have an eventful life over there don't you?)

3 October 1460



The man is impossible, he just will not listen to my wise advice ... I am off to a well deserved rest in my secret beach hut, they can just do without me for some time

24 August 1462

Can I have no peace ... more Chinese tourists heading for my beaches ... or is it to steal my peaches?



1 October 1462



My farewell beach party went wrong. Chinese tourists arrived just as the barbecue was lit and in the panic one of the peacocks fell in. Serve Xuande right for disturbing me ... I mean I find him very disturbing

(H - you know, you'd think I was the master of eternal flames and all that, but even I've never managed to send a flaming peacock across half of China)

9 March 1463



Despite losing my beach hut in the unfortunate fire, its time to do a happy dance ... more people want to worship me, this is what the world should be like

15 March 1463



Me and Xuande are the best of friends again. He has agreed to rebuild my beach hut.

11 October 1464



Yeah, another happy dance, Xuande has agreed to give my new fireproof beach house proper protection

(H – you'd think with all these dances that she'd actually learn to dance, its like watching a rhino do the tango)

23 June 1465



Went back to see my old palace. So bleak and empty. Nipped out to recruit a few servants to cheer the place up.

2 April 1466



Met Xuande to discuss child care arrangements for Tianqe. Suggested he comes to stay with me to improve his education.

Xuande was so rude.

It was really unfortunate when he choked on the peach stone.

(H – she's getting the hang of this diary writing, murder, war, intrigue and undercooked peacocks, this will be a best seller after all)

morningSIDEr said:

Definetly one of my favourite updates yet. With fiery peacocks being mistaken for comets, people disappearing so as to act as servents in the QM's palace (I still think 265 will prove too few), more tourist mishaps and questions as to poor Tianqi's parentage (what exactly did Harry get up to in order to produce this heir?), really great stuff.

I am however once again sincerely glad this AAR is not X-rated, this quite enough information!

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It seemed to come together rather well, a lot of small useful events to hang the narrative off and the QM able to complain an awful lot

Malurous said:

Gotta agree with morningSIDEr - and Harry apparently - great update!

Seeing that you'll have that regency council for a while, what are the stats (A/D/M)?

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Cover that in the next post, but I generally get good Regency Councils but for some reason they tend to favour the Temple faction which is economically disastrous as you need a large standing army, first to fend off the nomads and do some damage in SE Asia, later on for the large wars with India and to able to handle the Europeans.

Stuyvesant said:

Aargh, first a mention of 'bondage' and then there's a peacock involved... Disturbing images burned into my brain that will not die...

Oh wait, morningSIDEr already covered that.

The Queen Mother seems to be getting less reticient about expressing her opinions (and acting on her preferences/dislikes). Murder by peach stone sounds a little less dramatic (or implausible) as the previous Emperor's demise, but hey, it got the job done.

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Well I didn't claim she was bonded to the peacock? But yes, I think she's entered a slightly more militant phase, though still punctuated with large scale sulks in her renovated beach hut

gabor said:

What a relief QM is NOT looking after the child-emperor!

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I'm afraid she is ...

aldriq said:

I see, Caligula was clearly an amateur compared with the QM...

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Indeed, who needs to make a horse a senator when you have cross-bred peacocks to hand, and an inventive eye for how to use peaches as disposable murder weapons

Ashantai said:

I loved this update. Death by peach stone sounds nasty though!

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Glad you did ... yes, as with a few of the images in that update, prob best left not fully explored ... which brings us nicely to:

1466-1473, Tianqi's lively childhood and other events

21 August 1466



Tianqi was sent to bed without his supper, he really must learn not to argue with his playmates when
he is the Emperor


12 October 1466



Bad news, the peakraken sunk ... must test out the waterproofing more carefully next time

23 September 1467



Sigh, some neighbours are such a bore ... I mean it was only a small party and we went to bed quite early

8 October 1467



Some people ... I mean, yes we forget to clean up afterwards but this is so over the top .... they have no sense of proportion

19 September 1468



Some people take a lot of convincing ... but we all agreed in the end, its my beach hut and I can have late night parties with no one interfering

14 October 1468



Am I not the one ... with Tianqi in my care its amazing how fast his lessons are going

[H – this, somehow, is what is worrying me, sigh, better get involved again ... is there no peace for the wicked?]

17 December 1468



Oh this is impossible, I mean we all agreed last time that it was my beach house and that I could have parties there

[H – look take it from an expert, there are parties, even rowdy parties, then there are the sort of things you get up to, no wonder the neighbours are complaining]

14 October 1470



Demands, demands, bah, ruling China is so tedious, I think its time for a well deserved break

16 October 1470



Good, thats the beach house issue resolved, now I do need a proper holiday

2 June 1471



Oh, these people are so boring, now they want me to prove I own the beach house ... I'm busy, why don't they just leave me alone?

19 August 1472



Oh, Tianqi can be so tiresome, all this bickering. He's been sent to bed with no suppers and told to write out a 100 times ... "I must not test the scissors used for trimming the peacock's nails on my class mates" I start to wonder just what sort of ruler he will be

18 October 1472



He is becoming a real pest, I think I need extra guards, even the peacocks are scared of him, I mean him on that three wheeled chariot, he almost had me down the stairs

[H – ah, thats my boy]

If this carries on, he's back to Nanking and will no longer receive my personalised education ... as if I care

Ashantai said:

Peakraken...that is terrifying to think about!

The Queen Mother is getting more and more fed up with things. I wonder what happens should she ever snap?

Great update!

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the beast gets loose at a later date and starts eating Chinese ships (sort of like a non-atomic Godzilla) & yes, she does seem to be getting closer to the edge.

morningSIDEr said:

Wonderful to see a marshal suffering in an AAR involving Harry! Although the lucky fellow was only insulted rather than injured, as is more commonly the case, in the 'Court Bickering' event. It certainly seems that the QM knows how to throw a party going by this update, even Harry warning her about them! As for poor Tianqi, he seems to be struggling whilst left to the tender mercies of the QM's personal care, such a relief then that Harry is able to look after him. Oh wait.

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aye, its just a pity that EU3 doesn't have the endless stream of injured marshalls, all that happens is they get insulted or die. I think you'll be pleased that Tianqi starts to show how much he has learnt from his mentors fairly soon

Malurous said:

The peakraken sounds scary indeed.

Loved how you covered the invention of courthouses in your narrative.

As far as the game goes, it's nice that you were able to make Champa a bit weaker.

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I want to get into those rich provinces in N India, but to do that, esp with India fairly united, means I need to sort out both an access route (via Assam) and clean up other distractions. I don't want to take too many low value provinces, so in SE Asia I'm trying to break the powerful states up and then start making the remnants into vassals and in Central Asia, as in the next post, I want to reduce my borders with the nomads (& weaken them) so I can leave very few forces on that sector. Its just a case of being relatively slow and having to be very opportunistic but it slowly comes together.

Stuyvesant said:

I see I'm not the only one whose imagination was fired (haunted?) by the improbable peakraken.

I'm not too worried about Tianqi - the reference to his 'three wheeled chariot' and the stairs... Let me rephrase that: I'm extremely worried about Tianqi, but not so much about what the Queen Mother might do to him - rather more about what wee lickle Tianqi might unleash upon the greater world as he grows in stature and power.

Nice reference, sir, well played.

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I do like a good film reference if I can manage it. The Godfather appears in the next episode ... & while she never quite perfects the peakraken, it will appear in many posts to come

Alfredian said:

Going back one post I liked the description "its like watching a rhino do the tango". I can picture the QM like an aging aunt (who doesn't get out much) at about 22.30 at a wedding reception.

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I had more the image of the sort of 'dancing' that goes on at a Scottish wedding around 3am when everyone is too bladdered to remember any of the more complex stuff ... or of Patsy's private disco in an old episode of Ab Fab (which will confuse any non-UK readers)

1472-1474, Tianqi grows up and several class mates get the chop

9 November 1472

I am annoyed, no-one ever tells me what is going on. Come back from my summer holidays to the castle and find the place overrun with Chinese.



2 February 1473



I keep on telling them, ships are a waste of time, what we need is to concentrate on breeding waterproof seapeacocks

6 March 1473



I keep on telling Tianqi not to play with those scissors in class. At this rate China will run out of manpower ... and Eunuchs ... yuck, I mean who ever went to a wild party with a Eunuch?

18 March 1473



Just too many Chinese near the Palace at the moment. Went for a quiet evening in at the beach hut. Some people ... just too sensitive for their own good.

11 July 1473



Thats better, have just completed the extension to the beach hut. Now that should keep out any nosey neighbours.

2 March 1474




The beach volley ball got rather out of hand, some people are such bad losers, and they are just jealous of my new extension



2 September 1474



I warned Tianqi to be careful with the scissors, now all the bureaucrats have turned into Eunuchs ... & the army is still using rubber spears, this country is going to the dogs

(H – ah, the fruit never falls far from the tree ... I was coming over all warm and paternal & realised I was just sitting on a particularly hot vent)

19 October 1474



When Tianqi is in power, he's promised me we will return to the old ways, next servant who spills the soup will be in the soup.

21 November 1474



morning - oh, happy dance, I'm almost back in China

(H – I hear she has the builders in to replace the holes in the floor, do wish someone would tell her she just can't dance)

afternoon – why are they in Pose (or even why are they posing?), they will not liberate my castle if they expand in that direction

26 November 1474

I found a peacock's head in my bed this morning ... the rest of the peacock seems to have wandered off ... this maybe bad news?



(H – or just a particularly wild party? ... but whow, thats an impressively quick production of an heir)